belief (?)

belief (?)

Sometimes I wonder what it is that I desire?   I like to say that God has always been central in my live but as I get older I sometimes wonder.  Is my faith just a habit (?), something that I just “have”, something that I take for granted?  Faith is a “knowing” but it is the something that cannot be proven or shown to someone who does not have it.  Do I know that there is an after life (?), well no, I believe there is one but to say I know for a fact that we somehow survive death somehow in a way that I cannot comprehend would be false, unless of course I was one of those who had some sort of experience that proved to them that they will indeed survive death.  My faith in God is deep, sort of part of my bones…….is DNA responsible for this (?), why is it that some cannot believe in God and others like me cannot not believe in God.  My faith is like my breathing, in and out, something normal but not always easy; sort of like breathing, at least for me.

My path towards the Beloved is more like four steps forwards and five steps back, slow and winding but nevertheless moving forward, or called by grace to move forward.  I am still dragging a heavy load after me, things I need to divest myself of and but find it very hard to do; things I hold on to like a life raft I guess.  No matter how much I want to, there are parts of me that I can’t seem to just let go of and allow my life to be truly free in my faith walk.  God seems to draw close when I am at my lowest, drawing me back to the path with an infinite patience that almost brings me to tears.

This morning I was thinking about my relationship with God and I suddenly had this picture in my mind of me kneeling before the light in total surrender, this causedmy heart to cry out for the freedom that I desire, but feel chained down unable to fly at this time.  Held back by a chain or by a mere thread is still being held back. 

God simply “is” and I share in the “is-ness” as a gift of God’s love for me; we all share in that and it is together that we will all make that journey back to God, in the embrace of a love that none can conceive or even begin to comprehend.  I have no idea what infinite love is or unconditional love for that matter but I believe that that is the love that God has for each one of us.  I am beginning to understand that my failures are just as important as my successes in my spiritual life, what is important is to simply to keep moving forward no matter what my mind, feelings or emotions tell me to the contrary.

Some atheist thinks that faith is a cop out, but from my experience it is the exact opposite.  It is not a path of surety but of hoping against hope and not giving up no matter how dark the path gets or how many dead ends I seem to run into.  Perhaps the closer we get to the light the more of our brokenness is shown to us.  Perhaps that is what leads us to have compassion for others and a lessening of the need to judge or condemn since self knowledge leads us to understand others.  To make the choice (and I could do it) that God does not exist and this life is all there is would not be a hard thing for me to do, it would be freeing.  I don’t find my faith a burden but my faith leads me to understand that I am responsible for my life and that death is not some escape into oblivion.  We are eternal and we must all face what we do and have down.  I think this is necessary for us to be able to see other as truly another self, and whatever I do to others I do to myself.  God will bring us to love no matter the price or pain that we encounter along the way; God with us means just that, we have a companion who dwells in the depths of our heats and whose love will pursue for all eternity and will not let us rest till we surrender into true freedom.  Perhaps hell is a state of making a choice to close oneself off from God for eternity, a choice that is free.  I hope no one makes that choice and that is my most fervent prayer.

So the bottom is I believe in God but don’t know for sure that God exist.  Faith is not surety but a hope that is often strengthened by experience.  I cannot not believe in God and I feel that is a grace, but this has led me to understand that atheist simply cannot believe.  For those who don’t have faith  is something that I don’t need to judge in anyway but to give them the respect that they deserve as fellow travelers in life…… moving towards death and perhaps something beyond.  Life is for the living and I have only good will for all, since it is a rough ride for all of us.

I think we argue about the God question with arguments that we use “after” we come to some sort of decision about the existence or non-existence of the God.

Peace

mitch

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