hoping against hope
12.25.04 (2:23 pm) [edit]Hope is an elusive state and I think one that has to be based on choice. Faith and Hope are not based on any particular emotional state though that can be present also but it is not something that should be depended upon. Our emotional states come and go and they are for the most part beyond our conscious control. I suppose that some people are hopeful by nature and others are more pessimistic, so the process of arriving at a state where hope is operative at all times, no matter the outward or even the inner circumstance will be arrived at by different means for each person.
I was in a book store on Thursday and was looking at some books when a title of one particular book jumped out at me and grabbed my attention. The title of the book is “Life is a Vapor”; interesting name yes? Also disturbing for me, and the title stayed with me for the last two days. Is life a “vapor”, does it go by so fast that it really seems like “two seconds”, or will it seem like that when it is over and done with. Well when I think back when I was in my early twenties and now in my latter fifties and the time in between…..well it does seem like two seconds. Sometimes that is a comfort to me and at other times it brings forth a sort of horror and the reminder of how temporary I am, and not only me but everything. Nothing can be held on to; everything passes so quickly that life does take on a dream like quality for me. What a joy it is to exist, to be, to be aware that I am aware….. what a gift; a gift with a high price tag. I am aware of my death, hard to really come to terms with, but am cognizant of the fact none the less. I think it was Sartre who said “when we think upon our death we can only do it as an observer”, sort of like watching a movie.
I often feel that I am setting on the edge of a cliff and just waiting. Waiting for what? Well waiting to be able to make that jump into the void, into the unknown. To let go and in trust fall forward into……..what (?)….the arms of a loving God or perhaps into oblivion. Even though I am a man of faith I still have doubts. Sometimes life seems so dark and pointless, we live and then its over and everything in between has no real meaning apart from what I give it; it however does not end there.
For some reason I cannot let go of my faith in God, nor in God’s love for me; not only for me but for all, from the greatest to the least. I suppose it seems foolish to some to believe in God but I find atheism just as foolish I think. I don’t believe because of my desire for an afterlife but out of an intuition that for there to be existence of any kind there has to be “something” whose very essence is existence; whose existence is necessary and eternal, and from that flows all that “stand out” or exist.
To” fall into” is a form of prayer that I have grown into lately, to let go and just fall into the arms of a God that is beyond comprehension, beyond form who is utter ably unknowable but who has revealed “Itself” as love. What is infinite Love? Can I even begin to understand what it means to love on that level? Does it mean that God suffers since from my experience to love means to suffer, to take on the one loved. Just ask any parent what it means to love a child so much that it hurts.
I remember once when I was young that I suddenly got sick for three days. I was well one moment and suddenly I got this high fever and for three days all that I remember was getting hot, the fever breaking, and my mom coming in and changing everything since everything was soaked; this happened every three hours or so. I can also remember that I could sense my mother was suffering way more than I was because of her love for me. So God’s love being much more than any parent’s, must be passionate, intense and will do anything to bring me deeper into its love. I suppose that is why God is not kind. We all must endure life and drink it to the dregs from the cup we have been handed, and I believe that God is not only “with” me but “in” me in a place so deep and intimate that the “me” and the loving “It” seem to disappear.
Parents can often seem cruel to children or teenagers when they do not submit to their tears and pleas since they see a broader picture of life; with God it must be even broader and the mystery deeper. Perhaps we will only know after death the meaning of it all, and while I have trouble believing this on an emotional level on a deeper level of faith, it is stone strong and deeply rooted.
Neither my weakness nor my inconstancy will deter me from this conviction. I think despair is really the easier road to take; to become the cynic is a way of closing myself off from life, and the pain that comes from hoping and loving. The cynic’s and the atheist can laugh at me if they want but I feel that even in spite of the darkness of the path I have the better portion.
Peace
Mitch