charlie

charlie

Took Charlie for his follow up visit to the radiation center, to check to see if this treatment cured his skin cancer on the top of his head, which was causing him a great deal of trouble.  The office is one of the best I have been to because a great deal of consideration is shown to those who have to wait.  On my first visit with Charlie we had to wait till the early afternoon and they offered to buy us lunch (!), I was really surprised at that and pleased that they would be sensitive to Charlie’s needs since he is in his 90’s.

It was a good day for him, he was in a good mood and very peaceful with a smile for everyone.  When Charlie is good he is very good and well you all know the other side of the little ditty.  When he is “good” it is truly a delight to be around him.  He has a very genteel personality, soft spoken with one of the most beautiful smiles you would ever want to see.   It did me good to see him in a peaceful mood since he often is not.  He told me that he can’t seem to forget anything, or to forgive either, and it really bothers him that he is like that.  He once showed me a little booklet he wrote about his brother, the only brother in the family he was close to.  I was amazed at how well he wrote, and told him that he wrote like a professional writer.  It saddened me that because of his hard life he was never able to reach his potential as a writer or artist.  He was a master carpenter and I guess that gave him some real pleasure when he was younger.

I promised to take him to “Krystal” for their hamburgers, which he loves.  It is not on his diet but I worked it out with the charge nurse and she said that it would be ok.  It is good to be able to give some joy into his life, probably did more for me than for him.  In the past I have lost it with Charlie and have said some nasty things that I regret and I feel that this somehow makes some small amends for that. 

Over all he has been a good teacher for me.  He has let me learn my limits on how much I can take.  Has taught me to slow down when I am angry and measure what I have to say, and to also make jumps for his personality problems that can cause some to go crazy.  I have learned that underneath that is a really loving and caring person, who really does not know or understand what he does to make others so angry with him.  I guess he is trapped in a cycle of reacting that he can’t do anything about; but I can at least try to make his life a little easier for him.

I was talking to some of those I work with and one of  them started in on Charlie, and I made some remarks that I guess defended him in a way.  The remarks were true but they did not see the whole picture, at least in my opinion.  After my remarks another person there named James ask me this question; well then what is Charles true self?  My answer was, I think Charles true self was when he was not fearful, angry or just being defensive.  Such emotions only constrict our ability to be present to others; it is when he is relaxed, peaceful and even joyful, that he opens up like a flower to the sun, and  that I think is when get a glimpse of who he really is.  So I can honestly say that I do love him and hope that I can be with him in his last moments, to help him make the transition into the arms of a loving God.

There is a reason we are told not to judge others, we simply can’t, don’t know enough or see deep enough, can’t see into the depths of another’s heart.  I suppose that is why God being love is merciful to us all since being all knowing can see into the deepest depths of the heart.

I know how hard it is for me to stay on course, how easy it is to lose it, how I need support and forgiveness of those around me.  So why should I think Charlie and I are not a lot alike?

May all out hearts expand to include all others and that we may pray that we all will be one with the Father of lights and love.

Peace

Mitch