Charles and other things

Charles and other things

Went to the doctor yesterday with one of the men I take care of. His name is Charles who is 92 years old, in a wheel chair and can sometimes be a real crouch, but over all I love spending time with him. At this time he has a skin cancer on the top of his head and I take him in every Thursday for his radiation treatment. The treatment takes about 3 minutes; waiting to get in for the treatment about 2 hours, at times. It is a great office to be in since the Doctor and staff do everything they can to make the visit as pleasant as possible, and the people who are patients do a lot to support each other, so there is a lot of laughter and sharing. There is one woman there named Ann, who is short, plump and a true joy to be around since her humor and good will towards others really make the place shine. I am constantly amazed at the courage and grace that I see in those around me and in their ability to reach out to others and make a difference in their lives.

For some people when tragedy strikes they become bitter and withdrawn and refuse to move beyond that point, making not only their lives even more miserable but also for those around them. While some move beyond it and become a light for others, by their humor, compassion and empathy, that can develop in those who either have a serious illness or have recovered from one. Ann seems to want to bring at least a little joy into peoples lives and I am sure that her goodness does make a difference in the lives that she touches.

People often think that humility is something that makes us meek and quiet and always telling everyone how little or worthless or unworthy we are! That is not humility..... humility is a virture that is based on being able to face the truth about ourselves and to not back away from it. I suppose being sick is quite a test, and also for those who are caregivers since they see both the best and the worst of the one they are taking care of on a daily basis. Yes taking care of someone is a very deep and intimate relationship that can bring healing to both parties because of the need for understanding and forgiveness on both sides, since the strain of caregiving and the stress of being taken care of can stretch both parties to the limit. Once forgiveness and empathy enter a relationship it is hard for that relationship not to deepen and grow, since both parties will have plenty of times to practice it! Empathy allows one to see the other side and by being able to do this makes forgiveness easier than it would be otherwise....well maybe forgiveness is not possible unless humility (self knowledge) come into the picture so understanding is possible. In any case being a caregiver has been a challenge for me and a real blessing.

Charles for instance has had a very hard life and when I learned about it, that knowledge went a long way for my understanding of some of his behavior patterns. One side is a very gentle and kind, almost royal in the way he talks and writes and treats others; because of that he is well loved. It is another story for those who live with him and are his caregivers. He can be a tyrant, and he finds it impossible to admit that he is wrong on any subject or will not take responsibility for just about all of the things that he does that cause pain to others; because of that he has been a good teacher for me. I have had to deal with a lot of anger and power issues with him and so he has been helpful in helping me come to terms with power and control issues, which a lot of caregivers I know, who have told me that they have to go through the same kind of thing. Control freaks for the most part do not make good caregivers since the stress that arises from control issues is a battle that can't be won.....people can't be controlled since they will always find a way around it.

I don't judge people (or at least try not to) by their more unpleasant traits, since I consider negative behavior comes from being fearful and angry, from a place where the personality is constricted so to speak and goes into either a defensive or offensive way of relating to the world and others. It is like one snapshot that does not give justice to the over all person and does not take into account the complexity that he or she is. When Charles is not being defensive or offensive he is like a flower that is open to the sun and he becomes a "subject" of great beauty and wisdom; the flow is open not closed and those around him benefit from his love and often the wisdom that he shares. I have found the more I don't try to limit his negative behavior.....(well we do talk about it that is true).......the better he seems to become and also easier to deal with much more of the time.

I don't know what Ann is like when she is at home with her husband. I bet he sees another side from time to time but I can see a great deal of love in his eyes when he talkes or just jokes with her in the office. I would think for a relationship to be loving after many years of marriage takes a great deal of patience and listening from both sides. Loving marriages or good friendships are not an accident,they become that after some blood, sweat and tears; with a large dose of forgiveness and understanding thrown in for good measure. Any relationship worth having will need to pass through different crisis situations, and by doing this it deepens the humility of each party, and each is accepted at a deeper and deeper level. If this does not happen either the union dies with anger and hurt on both sides, or perhaps it continues on a shallow level with neither party ever really getting to know each other. This is not always bad since relationships like this can serve a real purpose and need in ones life; not every relationship can develop into a deep and trusting friendship nor should it. We can all be many things for each other and be the better for it.

peace

Mitch

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