Passing
12.04.08 (6:54 pm) [edit]
Passing
Philip died today at approximately 12:30 PM. It has been a long haul with him, he has outlived almost two generations of residents in our facility, and so it is going to be awhile before his passing can be gotten used to. There is always a gap when someone goes. Also a sense of sadness as well as relief, now that it is over for the one suffering, especially if it was long and drawn out. It can’t be helped, for being such complex beings we can experience more than one thing at a time.
Some people make a quick exit out of this life, others take a long time and Philip; well he took a really long time. So there was plenty of time to get attached to him, to his gentleness, his quiet compassionate smile, and yes his bad days as well; for they all make up a whole. Such is the intimacy that comes with being a caregiver, a give and take that forges a deep bond between both of them. I remember one night, about three years ago, when Philip was very anxious and afraid. So I went down to see what was going on. As soon as he heard my voice he said: “Mark, thank God!” He did not remember the CNA’s taking care of him, for his short term memory was gone. However he knew me from before his Alzheimer’s began to take its toll on him. So even if he did not remember me much of the time, he did remember my voice. I touched deeply that he was in such fear and confusion, but made me thankful that I was there than evening.
People differ of course. Philip before he became extremely ill was what you would call an anxious person, introverted and could drive me to distraction at times by his constantly mulling over things, trapped in a cycle of anxious concern, which he could not break out of. One thing about his Alzheimer’s, it took that away. Though he had his bad days (who doesn’t), yet for the most part that constant anxiety left him, so most days he was actually peaceful and happy.
Last night before I left, I put some ointment on his lips and wiped his face with a cool cloth. He opened his eyes for a moment and then closed them. I bent over and kissed him on the forehead and felt quite a bit of sorrow surfacing, so I left the room for awhile to be by myself. I still don’t feel comfortable about exhibiting strong tender emotions in public. A weakness I know, perhaps before it is my turn to die, I will mature enough to be able to have the inner strength to do that.
I came in early the next morning and sat with him for a few hours, prayed, and as usual was in awe of the process that was going on in front of me. A man, 90 years of age, who lived a long life, with yes much suffering like the rest of us, was ending his pilgrimage here in this soul forging universe. I never get used to it, the deep mystery of who we are, and even deeper, what we are, also our relationship with God and God’s infinite love for each of us; at least that is what I have learned from my relationship with Christ my Lord.
Well he is gone now, and others are weakening. Leo has not eaten much today, and he is starting to have trouble drinking, though we can still coax him. He is quite young actually, 71 I think, so his Alzheimer’s is especially tragic, at least from the perspective of those who care for him. Yet he laughs, shows affection, and at times tries to communicate with us, so there is life, love and community for him. Tonight Clarence had trouble breathing, for his going to dialysis can bring on deep fatigue that causes him some anxiety. We put him on a concentrator, and I reminded him to breathe deep and slowly for awhile, that will help calm him down. Also his pul-sox was 98%, which also helped him to relax. So I guess it is unending, but I still love taking care of these men, who are on the last mile or miles of their lives. The whole crew loves taking care of their needs also, we are a community taking care of another community; I guess that makes us one. Rose for instance pretty much stayed here the whole time the dying process was going on, so I guess like me she has trouble sleeping when one of her charges is dying.
They are great teachers those we take care of and they show us great courage, patience and reservoirs of faith each day. Caregivers are also taken care of by those with whom we minister to, it is a two way street, for we are all brothers and sisters on the way.
posted by: Ladyg (reply)
post date: 12.04.08 (4:10 pm)
Sorrow to hear of his passing, may he rest in peace.
posted by: mitchdolittle (reply)
post date: 12.05.08 (8:13 am)
Thank you friend.
peace
mark