Bearing

Bearing

I often wonder what the Pauline saying “carrying each others burdens” really means.  I would suppose each person who is trying to lead a deeply spiritual life will have to face up to this statement and find some way in which to live it.  This is not about judging others, but merely how does one live with others who seem to be a source of either personal pain or a real problem for the many.  It is not easy, for each individual will find that their difficulties are often unique to themselves.      

I think one of the traps that I often fall into, and can cause me a lot of inner problems, is that I can fail to make a distinction with what I call ‘personal constrictions’, in other words, when people are at their worst, it is usually based on some kind of reacting, a defensive stance towards others are the world.  Or, some personality trait that is merely compulsive and can lead to a misrepresentation of self.  For instance, when I get tired (or anxious) I can become hyper, I really mean hyper, bantering, joking, making others laugh to the point were I can, I am sure, be a bit tiring to others.  Well when I am in that warp 2 mode, it is not a true representation of who I really am, just a small part of me, perhaps the least important.  However I am sure others see me only as ‘that’, so I can misrepresent myself and cause problems for others without meaning to.  I would suppose my friends see through this and simply accept it as part of who I am, but also see something deeper that is worth knowing.  I would say that this hyper activity is a ‘constriction&rsquo ; of my personality.  In order to see something different, I guess one would have to take the time to see behind the mask and probe deeper.

In working with the infirm this insight or whatever you want to call it has helped me greatly over the years.  Charles Zell has probably been the best teacher I have had in this regard.  To say he was difficult to work with at times is an understatement.  I guess it is on target to say that he had a personality disorder well beyond the norm.  The way I understand it, people with personality disorders can only see things their way and are incapable of allowing others views in, so it can be a tad frustrating for those who have to deal with them on a regular basis.  However, over the years I saw others sides to Charles that led me to not only grow in respect of his hidden self, but to also develop a genuine fondness and love for him.  When he was relaxed, not threatened, his personality seemed to expand.  When in this mode of being, his way of relating to others was genteel, respectful and laced with dry bits of humor.  So I had to make a choice in deciding who the real Charles was.  I guess both are of ‘him’, yet I came to the conclusion that the more expanded personality was the one I chose to identify him with.  When I did this I was able to deal with his ‘constricted self’ with a bit of humor, which took a lot of pressure off of me.  He also responded to this when he could.  Now I am not saying my relationship with him was all sweetness and light, yet it was better, at least for me when I got this insight about him.  From his perspective I am not sure.  Though when he died, I know he was at peace with me.

When I was away for three weeks, I became part of a small community that came together for a sabbatical, a course that was three months long.  When I arrived they were on the tail end of their journey together, and like one of the people said of the group:  “we are a family here, very respectful of each other” Well I don’t think I made a very good first impression.  I was perhaps anxious about being in a new environment, so yes I went into warp hyper 2 mode and kind of overwhelmed a couple of people there.   I had to back paddle a bit, so it was a good learning experience for me, though I don’t think the damage was ever repaired completely, and understandably so.  They were a quiet group, so here I came with my bantering and joking that could be taken as less that sensitive behavior, since they knew nothing about me.   So it was humbling for me, but also another lesson in trying not to box people in by their compulsive behavior, since I felt boxed in a bit, though it was my fault and not theirs.  They were all very good thoughtful people and it was an honor to meet all of them.  Not the least for the needed lesson that I received from them.  Though as is usual for me, it will take a lifetime for to really get some real handle on it; I can be a bit slow on the whole growth thing.

So I guess like others, I am also in need of being understood by others.  If not I guess both sides loose out.  I would think that most people have some kind of behavioral pattern that can cause them embarrassment, yet perhaps not being able to change it, at least some of the time.  This insight can lead to being kinder and more understanding of others, which can also lead to less personal suffering.   For in truth we al need to “bear each others burden”.

I think in the end, perhaps the biggest cross we have to bear, is ourselves.