Deep memory

Deep memory

Deep memory

The man looked at me silently for a time, just thinking over what I asked him. finally he sighed, looked down at his old worn hands, cracked his knuckles, and said, “are you sure you want to hear what I have to say”, for it is not all goodness and light,
it seems that even in this event, you can’t have one without the other.

So he began

I have told this many times, some believe, others not, for what we believe, no matter what it is, limits us, puts up barriers, and will block out acceptance of truths not agreed upon. I am no different he continued, my experience has just made my beliefs perhaps a little broader than most.

Some people think death the end, a sort of endless sleep, with a do not disturb sign outside the door.

Others

Well they think there is an endless return with perhaps some time off in between life times, some don’t believe this at all, you just come back at once, over and over gain, for myself he said,
I am not sure which is worse; endless sleep without dreams, or the constant coming and going with no rest at all……..Just one lifetime after another.

Still

Many think it is either heaven or hell, no middle ground, with most going to hell, something he said that I thought kind of strange. Hell full, heaven almost empty, could never quite get my mind around that…….so in the end I did not know what happens after death, really not sure now, except for perhaps what happens right after the body drops like mine did.

When I died he continued

I was surprised, it seemed no different the first few moments, I was still me, could not get over it. Then it started, memories I thought gone, forgotten, but there they were, in all of their glory and pain, the good, the bad and yes the ugly. Nothing left out; I got away with nothing, for I was not al good man. I was cruel to my wife, my children, to those who worked under me; I even did some illegal things that I thought I got away with. For I never thought about what happens after death, I just thought it was the end, or at least I lived like it was. I also thought over all I was a good man, for I went to church, gave to charity, and did other things I thought I was supposed to do just to look good in front of my neighbors. For my family knew better than to tell anyone what went on in the privacy of our home.

Ever pain I caused, I felt, every blow I let fall on another, in the end it was me I hit. The pain of my wife I experienced, the emotional harm I did to my children, became mine, those I hurt with my illegal doings came back upon me, pain upon pain. Suffering was what my soul downed in, I screamed, thought I was in hell, wept over what I did, the suffering was indescribable. I curled into a fetal position, trying to escape my life but could not. There was some good, but it was so little that it did little to take away from my self inflicted wounds.

People to me where card board cutouts, not real, just there for me to use, abuse at will; in the end playthings, toys, not real like I was. What I fool I became, created, for what I did to them, truly I did to my self. From this pit of pain, I heard this voice, a voice I did not even care to know when alive. In the end, my soul beat and bloodied from my own actions, an endless round of abuse of others, that in the end was self abuse; lying there, waiting for what I did not know……the voice spoke, gently, lovingly, I could not believe it.

“Father, forgive him, for he did not know what he was doing”.

Looking up I saw a light, you would not understand what I experienced,
there are no words,
love I never thought possible I was filled with, understanding beyond comprehension, of my own deep failures…… compassion, yes even empathy, for the being seemed to have been with me all of my long life of doing harm to others.

I woke up then in the hospital, a different man than what I was that morning I got up to go to work, a new being in fact. For the pain I experienced made me see others in a different light.  After that my life changed, I had a lot to do, many people to see, I sought forgiveness from those I hurt, an army, I had no idea. I received mercy from many, from others no. My children still hate me, but I can only hope that one day that will change. For I understand them, I helped create them, so much of my pain still remains. The soul’s memory is absolute, we get away with nothing, until we learn, and if we don’t, well perhaps that is hell, I do not know.

He then looked down, but when he again faced me, he was smiling and said. I embrace my pain, and seek now only to love others, and yes I fail, but people are no longer cut outs for me, but in reality beings of great worth. So yes the world I live in is different now, and I will continue to grow in love of that being who forgave me, because I did not know what I was doing.

So I left the old man, wondering in what I have heard. For reading about such experiences is different when actually sitting and listening to what was experienced. It gave me hope, for myself and others, that much of what we do is based on not really understanding who the other person before us is; be it a stranger or someone we love or hate.
I need to look deeper.