The why of it all

The why of it all

Al my life, I have wondered what it is all for. There is a certain absurdity about it all, the sameness, the running around in circles that often make up our lives. So much time taken up in what is in the end quite trivial yet must be done. Often what is important has to be put on the back burner as it where, sometimes kept there permanently. Getting caught up in what we are often told what is important, by parents, teachers, society, popular culture etc. Some of the ideals presented are very good, yet to follow them blindly can lead to a dead end for many.

I think it interesting that in our literature, theater and movies, one theme keeps coming up over and over again, a pointer of sorts, yet in real life it is often looked upon as either secondary, or as just a pursuit to be taken up if time is available. Perhaps we seek things to simply let others know that we are successful, or smart, yet when acquired it often seems empty and useless. I often wonder why happiness is often desired, yet the seeking after it can often lead to such suffering and despair. It can often be seen in the lives of others, yet the same mistake, or the same dead end path, taken by many, and even encouraged by our society.

I would think we need very little to make us happy, yet if we are not happy it may take a great deal to try to fill the void left open and gaping, like an existential wound, deep, dark and bleeding, yet hidden from the sight of others. Perhaps only the desperation showing a little of the pain involved but never fully communicated to others, so the pain is often hidden, misunderstood and condemned.

The inner void can be a cold dark place, and trying to fill it with warmth and light, if looked for in the wrong places, can lead to only more of the same, and for many in the end death. This can be played out in the public eye over and over again yet the lesson never learned, it is like looking at our own self destruction lived out in the lives of others, and copied out by those who perhaps should know better. Yet I should be careful, for I have the seeds within my own soul. I am after part of the culture I live in, immersed it, and struggling to become free of its control.

Perhaps it is the death instinct, the desire for what we also fear the most; the loss of our personal existence, yet also the coflicted desire for it (non-being), that often leads us down paths of self destruction in varying degrees. The rub however is that annihilation is not rest, it is just a ceasing, which I guess is absurd as well.

We have souls, something contested today by many, yet we have them, or perhaps we are them; souls, which need more substantial food that is offered by our often shallow society, in the form of entertainment that is often just a numbing agent used to dull the pain of existence. In the end however it can keep us from also experiencing the deep joy that can come with being in contact with ourselves, our souls. It is easy to give off pious answers, or to make a quote from one scripture or another, yet in the end, if it does not flow from the heart, all such answers are useless to say the least, and can be harmful in the worst circumstances.

We have to think for ourselves, not by a mindless reacting to our own traditions, but by a delving into them. To truly see what they have to offer, to break away from an unthinking cultural mind set which today does not work; there is just too much out there to take in. If we don’t have some sort of ‘place’ to stand from, the information taken in will only cause us to be tossed around like a bottle in a raging sea. There are a lot of fads out there, intellectual fashions that become popular, as well as religious ones, in the public eye for a time for a time, and then are gone. Often the traditions we grow up in have some deep truths to offer, yet they must be mined, sort after, digested and then lived out.

Anger against our past only chains us to it, imprisons is perhaps the better word. By the study of our own culture, religions and values, is the only way to be able to come to some sort of free decision about what path we want to follow, freely without rancor that keeps us chained.

We are educated, this has certain burdens that come with it, and only using our time for entertainment can only in the end lead to frustration, boredom, and an existence filled with horror, if one allows oneself to look inside without the tools to deal with what is found in an adequate manner.

We live in a world where life is short; we are truly flowers of the field, here today and gone tomorrow. This truth can either lead to greater freedom, or numb us with fear, perhaps unconscious, yet that is the worst kind, since its hold is stronger than fear that is known, for then one can come to some sort of decision to work against it or not.

We are called to deep life, yet it seems that our society in many ways wants to keep us from that. There is more to life than looking young and beautiful, or having lots of money, or simply being famous. The lives of those who have the above are often miserable; if their lives are not, it is because they have some deeper meaning that they live for.

We are here for a purpose, and it is the path of each to seek it. Also I experience myself being sought after, perhaps that is what the ‘running from’ is all about, seeking to hide from the pursuer, who wishes to unmask my falsehoods, so that I may have a deeper truer life. The deeper I go, the stronger the root that connects me with reality, the greater my sense of peace that cannot be taken away when life does not go my way; still working on that however. I suppose as I get older this happens more and more. I would think that I am not unique in this regard, though perhaps not all experience life this way and find what I have written disagreeable.