Under the illusion

Under the illusion

Under the illusion

I sometimes think that most of my “outer” life is an attempt to not look too closely to what is going on inside of me. I do spend time in prayer and meditation, also I read and study, yet even these activities can be used to avoid going deeper. I am often under the illusion that I know myself, but in the end I only see the surface. To go deeper; well it has taken me 58 years to get where I am at, wherever that is, so I suppose I will die still only experiencing and knowing the upper levels of my soul, spirit, inner life, or whatever name or designation that one wants to call it.

My dreams lately have become very clear, as if something I need to know, but my stupid self has not yet got the message; so there are times (like now) in my life when my dreams, which I already have every night, become even clearer. They are not nightmares, nor are they pleasant, just dreams. Over the years I have come to trust the process, for I have learned that there are reasons why I have to go through some experiences. Sooner or later I will get the message. The soul is always trying to move toward balance, health and self knowledge.

I used to write my dreams down, but I have so many of them that it would take me hours a day to process them that way. What I do, is wait for the ‘big’ dream to come. These tend for some reason to take me to another level. At times the new level is my relationship with God, at others insight into the “why” I do certain things, so waiting is part of it I guess, at others I simply need to laugh at myself. It seems that my own growth comes about not by what I do, but by my simple willingness to be open to change and insight that comes as a pure gift, a grace is probably the best word for me to use, being a Christian and all.

One thing I have learned from experience, which has saved me from some suffering, because I don’t always do it all that well…….that is to simply accept the fact that I am not all together, not in control, and finally the hardest of all I don’t have very many answers, and the last is, while the world does revolve around me, all those pesky people in my life don’t know that truth. So a sense of humor is also good.

The spiritual life is not always what people think it is. A simple reading of John of the Cross would clear that up for many.