Primitive within

The primitive within

Long ago, I have come to accept that it will always be with me, making itself known whenever;
if there is a trigger I have not found it, unless it is simply feeling at peace, or prayer, or just being. Perhaps it likes to surprise me, catching me unawares, though how one can prepare I have no idea, for this tidal wave of primitive raw, hot, emotion.

I feel it’s faint stomping, then a kind of clanging in my depths, the force of its march growing stronger, until it bursts forth in images of red hot rage, or at times cold, inhuman, without feeling, but great power and yes energy to spare. It rips me from the inside this reptilian experience, without rationality, only the desire to seek out something to play with, hurt, anything to get the energy released. 

Over the years I have developed a certain peace with it, it comes, I groan for a bit, say “O Jesus”, a prayer for sure, and then I observe it, as it rants and raves with color pictures, deeper than can be found in any movie production.  It is young, not quite mindless, but totally non-rational, so I just watch, for you can’t communicate with the irrational, only experience it, ride it out, and not fear it.  Though the unpleasantness never leaves, I simply can’t learn to be comfortable with the feeling. 

I would say it is two or three years old, tops, a raging flood of lava needing to express something…… well I know the cause of this lava flow, though knowledge does not always do away with it, but it does give me a handle of sorts, sort of like having a bridle in hand when riding a bull in the rodeo.  I certainly don’t want to be thrown off.  So over the years, I have learned to embrace it, trying to comfort that two or three year old, angry over something done with no intent to harm.  Perhaps that is what saves me, knowing no ill will was present, just me, so young that I had no way of understanding. 

So I am like all others, with deep secrets, some buried, hidden in a dark cave, quiet but not asleep, with the power to manifest at times.  I am blessed that there is at least one thing that lurks below that I can name, yes very blessed.  We are so complex, deep, mysterious, within each soul is an entire universe, seeking the way, each having their own cross or burden to carry, each with the invisible stigmata, each loved and cherished and pursued, though often hidden, unseen, yet present.

In the darkest night; when most alone, that which loves us draws near, well really one with us, no, we are never alone.  Faith is not weak, it just accepts that there is a lot of grey in life, and infinite love is something that cannot be understood and the whys seldom are answered.