As I get older
04.14.07 (7:09 pm) [edit] | |
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My ideas about myself change as I get older. I am not sure they get deeper, but I do know that has I age, some false and perhaps some inflated ideas that I have about myself are changed, or perhaps busted is a better word. The old saying that the truth sets you free, is true; no doubt about that, but it has to be experienced to be believed. Less territory to defend that way, which can get old and tiring pretty quickly, really a waste of time and energy, life is simply too short. A fragile ego is always on the look out for attack.
When I was young, and perhaps to some extent, it is still true; I was careful never to admit weakness, that there might perhaps be something about myself that was not in control. I keep everything in, bottled up, thinking that I could deal with it all by myself……you know be the man sort of thing. Well it did work, sort of. It has made me independent, but even that, as I grow older, am finding it to be an illusion. I could never admit to being fearful for instance, angry yes, for that is again a manly kind of thing, get angry, show them who is the boss, blah, blah, double blah. It is so common that is actually boring to see it in others. On that note, probably boring also for others to experience it in me, it is not a very creative outlet, anger. It can overly focus ones attention, and the over all picture is lost. Don’t get me wrong, anger can be a very positive emotion, it is what gives energy for people to do the right thing, when an injustice is perceived, and then something can be done about it. The only problem with anger, when out of control, is the one having the fit takes on the cloak of infallibility: judge, jury, and executioner. This kind of thing works in the movies, hence its appeal for men, the perfect fantasy, a world were revenge actually works, and everyone lives happily ever after, when the smoke clears and the bodies are cleared away. Line them up, kill them, and peace is restored, to bad it does not work that way. Maybe not, things would probably be worse if it did. I wonder if anyone would be left standing?
My understanding of the Christian concept of sin has also changed as I have grown older. Not saying it is a mature understanding, or even that it is right, but nonetheless there are changes. I suppose one way to look at sin, is that it is a form of imprisonment. Locked up, tied down, unable to fly, to be free. Sort of like being manipulative by ones past, or what others want, or what society tells you what is good and right. Which in the long run, for the most part is usually not right at all, in fact it can be very dangerous. I have the feeling that we are all brain washed. It does not matter what society ones lives in, or what religion one follows, or if none is followed, or believed in. The end is the same, we are simply brain washed. Look around, or better yet look inside. What we believe, our desires, what we work for, give our life for, is often dictated by some authority outside of ourselves. The problem is not the outside authorities, but how we listen, believe, and perhaps do not question. What we believe does not matter either, at least in the pursuit of trying to break away from the group mind, belief systems are helpful, but there comes a time when we need to use our beliefs to delve deeper into the mystery of existence, and not just repeat what we have been told, or to even believe that there is an actual system out there that can give us the one final answer to all our problems. Extremes are bad, be it from the religious side or from the secular. Both become strident in their assertions, belittling, and in the end dehumanizing those who disagree. From that point it does not take much to get into more destructive modes of behavior to try to control others. Ahh the will to power, one of mankind’s most beloved pursuits.
It can be a fearful thing, to realize that perhaps we are supposed to seek, find the path dark and lonely, to fall, to get up, and yes to actually think for ourselves. I am not against authority; I am not fan of those who flaunt their so called independence. People like Howard Sterns come to mind, he is just a man who has gotten stuck in adolescents, spending his life trying to recapture the illusion of freedom he perhaps experienced, or thinks he experienced as a teenager. No I am not talking about that. I am talking about simply being free, not comparing others, just being. Something I am still struggling with, and will perhaps be dead one hour before I even begin to experience what freedom is actually like.
I am a man of my time, hence all of my thoughts are to one extent or another dictated by that, left, right, moderate, it is all the same. Perhaps that struggle is just as important for cultures as it is for the individual. Who knows, in any case, you can think for yourself within any system, for I have met atheist who are idiots as well as believers. Each group has their share of both, hang out with those who can think and discuss. Insight comes from stretching, listening, and perhaps at times debating. The main thing is to not be afraid of the process that comes with intellectual and spiritual growth.
Perhaps my soul is shattered, scattered about, little personalities within, each wanting one thing, and fighting each other about who wins out, with the poor ego trying to keep the brats in order. Sin could be an act of self creation, which is perhaps an illusion also. Perhaps grace is needed, healing, and yes forgiveness, and the ability to forgive ones self.
For me the world is a hall of mirrors, everything is reflected back onto me; projection does that. It is something we do without knowing it. We interrupt everything, and the scale we use, is from our own inner experience. The truths about us, both good, and not so good, and yes perhaps down right evil, is what is revealed to us. They knock on our door by showing themselves to us in the reflection of what is around us. Why fear this, we are known already, totally, everything is in the light, every dark corner seen, and yet we are loved, at least that is my experience with the Eternal, and as a Christian I will use terms that come from that tradition. To not do this has a heavy price, the scapegoat; another hobby mankind seems good at. Christ being “The Scapegoat” par excellence, the ultimate deadly fruit of that twisted ever so common process.
They mystery of Christ is something I have not even begun to understand, and perhaps that is what mystery is about, going deeper and deeper without ever learning everything. The more learned, the more one understands how little one really knows, or understands. Too many easy answers given by religion, which causes no amount of trouble for everyone in the long run and let us not forget the anguish and pain also.
Funny how common it is for people to believe that they are special, God loves them, and saves them, then, turn around and deny that for others. It is not just Christians who do that, it is a common human fault, wonder why we can’t learn from that reality. Life is a mystery, and no holy book will take that away. Finding God is simply being in the moment, seeing who it is before you, dropping comparisons that divide and then either enjoy, help, heal, or in other words love. Ok not easy to do, but at least in the trying, we know when we fail and can do something about it. In order to treat others as you would want to be treated, the first thing is to actually know what you want, another task not so easy. Waking up can be hard work, but in the end it is the only path to freedom, to the acceptance of grace, and the growth in our own oneness as revealed in Christ, and yes in other traditions.