I suppose

I suppose

When I look into my own heart, I often see that the source of much of my suffering is my desire to find some way to control the world around me. People, things, events, it does not matter, for after all does not reality revolve around me? Well I guess in some way that is true. The only problem being is that the same is true for everyone else. Each a god of sorts in universes small, but nonetheless real, with its own history, wounds, angers, loves, and the bottom line, unique interpretations that often do not jive with others.

Some people I seem to be able to understand, to comprehend what they are saying, even if I don’t agree with them, I can make jumps, and they do not in anyway cause me distress. These often become friends. Others on the other hand seem to be from another planet, or perhaps some universe, far, far, away. It seems that their way of relating, reacting, interrupting, is a true mystery to me. Like oil and water. Mix it up with a good shake, and wait, then it separates again. It is usually a two way street, and the best that can be hoped for is a truce of some kind, where mutual respect is achieved, and a smooth relationship can be arrived at. Just let each other be.

I suppose the golden rule can come in handy in times like this. To treat others as I would like to be treated, can fall smoothly from the tongue; pious, deep sounding, but in reality the living it out is very difficult. It can also be wearisome. For I am sure that much of the time, I do not advert to how I would like to be treated, it is in no way conscious. I suppose if you go deep enough, much of it is probably quite infantile. You know the old saying, or really a joke: “treat me like any other great person”, is in fact probably operative in me. Even if the above is infantile, I wonder if it is not a common, if unconscious desire in many. To know this, understand it, and try to live it out with my own day to day interaction with others, would go a long way to smoothing out my life.

I am amazed at how I can at times totally discount the feelings, emotions, and yes thoughts and ideas of others, when if the same was done to me I would be quite angry, or perhaps enraged. I suppose the only saving grace is that the discounting is not done in any malicious way, it is just I am simply not aware, and to react is all I can do. Now this is not an excuse, but there you have it.

I sometimes think that I am not just “Mark”, but in reality a cluster of personalities, some mature, spiritual, others conflicted, and still others, petty, mean, and well, to speak bluntly, simply stupid…… I have no other words for it. I think the only difference between me and someone with multiple personality disorder, is the fact the walls between these different aspects of myself have windows, so they can peek in on each other once in awhile, which only leads to conflict for me, which again can be wearisome.

I suppose the tag to use for this struggle is simply, “The will to power”, control. A struggle doomed to failure, leading only to frustration, alienation, isolation, if not dealt with. Perhaps the world is just a mirror image that goes on in my own soul, and perhaps in the souls of others. I don’t know for sure, for I hope that there are people out there who have a measure of peace with themselves, perhaps they are the hope for the world. I doubt however that many of them go into politics, since they don’t want power in the first place.

Jesus washed the feet of his apostles. God as servant, now perhaps the answer lies in that, to serve. Jesus washing the feet of his followers, is like President Bush going into a Blue Collar bar, seeing that the men and women there are the back bone of this country, and then understanding what it means to be a true leader, a servant, then kneeling down in a spontaneous moment, no cameras, or press, and washing and kissing the feet of those whom he serves. I wonder what would happen, if that ever occurred.

On some level people respond to humble leaders who are servants, it seems simply the way it should be. A humble leader will be followed out of love and respect, and not out of fear and respect, that is so common today. I am not judging, for I do not know how I would respond, if I somehow was in a position of great power, perhaps I would become a monster, becoming the very thing I say I hate. You know how the old saying goes, “We become what we hate”. Yes I think the will to power is strong in me, and it does cause me and others distress at times.