Talk on Resentment, Anger, and Forgiveness
05.27.06 (11:14 am) [edit] Early years (2 years Old) put in foster home Became hyper self aware (still am) No one to depend on Just myself Hyper alert in a dark lonely place This is abandonment Something every child has to face at one time or another Mine came sooner rather than later. Had to be done Rent problems Parents came every weekend I withheld my affection knowing they were leaving again. Became self contained Impersonal towards others Unable to break this As the years stacked up. Even knowing my parents did not mean to abandon Still as a 2 year old that was what it was A lot of rage from that time Not rational, Powerful, That inner fire Can erupt at any time. This is my path Simply dealing with this issue Not letting it consume me nor my life. I am not a victim That would be too easy Leading downward. In thinking of nature I am fire As a force A volcano Slumbering for the most part With magna deep down Hot Wanting to express itself Find relief From the inner pressure. My path not allowing this to control my life Not making others victims of my anger Seeking to not scapegoat anyone Or if I do To apologies Own up to it Then move on. Saw a psychologist at 40 He asked me Mark what can I do for you? Doc I replied I am dying I can feel it My anger My constant companion is destroying my body I have trouble breathing (Still do all these years later). Am always angry Though so far I have been able not to take it out on anyone. I suppress it Try to deal with it in a way that is not destructive to other But perhaps I need help It seems to be hurting me I feel it now that I am older. I am wearing out. Loseing the battle No matter how hard I try. It was a struggle I disassociated at lot Frustrating for both me and the Psychologist In the end he did help me to voice things that I already knew Just needed to word it in front of somebody Who could reflect it back for me. This helped Thought my anger is a constant companion. At times I feel like St Francis and Ghangis Kan Are sitting across from each otherUnable to communicate. At times it shows itself as raw power Erupting from my deepest most hidden part of who I am Or think I am. It is painful Tears my soul Worse than physical pain At times I wonder if I will ever be free of it. Perhaps being fire means just that Dealing with this inner power in a way that is life serving. It is simply my path That I must see to the end. Each person walks this road If not with rage and anger Then it is something else. An inner wound Perhaps hiddenSeeking to be noticed Dealt with Healed. To not deal with it Face it No matter what the road walked Is to invite chaos into life A slow death over many years. To run from the problem Is to only make it worse. Letting go Forgiving Is the only way to break free To allow the heart To be a channel of God’s healing love Not only for myself But also for others. Resentment and hatred Are intimate, Just as profound as love, In the attachment It has for the one hated or resented. Not to forgive is to carry a heavy burden To give power Mostly unasked for To the ones Focused upon |