Self-conscious

 

I was what you would call a late bloomer.  When I was young, in my teen years, I was what you would call a “geek” I guess. I was a very slow grower, small, skinny, not very strong, not weak either but not as strong as most boys my age.  When I entered my junior year of high school I was just a tad over 5 feet tall, so I was one of the smaller boys in my class.  I did not hate it, but I certainly did not appreciate being so little, so far behind most of the boys in my class in this regard.  I was too small to really get into sports; way too small for football, also did not have enough self confidence to play baseball. Though now that I am older, I know I could have done better if I applied myself. Probably one of the main factors in my early years that caused me some of my issues, not focused enough.

 One problem is that I hated group activities, a weakness of mine that I have never really out grown.  I suppose dancing was a substitute for me, since you can dance no matter your size.  I always had a good sense of rhythm, even as a very small child, mom told me that when the radio was on, I was always able to keep up with the beat.  How I did that I have no idea; probably shook my booty until my diapers fell off.  I was a very good dancer, and still am I guess; though don’t do as much as I did when young.  I suppose I always felt freest when dancing, flying actually, my blood would boil when I got in the “zone” and got my stride going.  It is so effortless to just let the music carry me, up and away!   I would become weightless swimming in the ocean of the melody that surrounded me, surfing on the sounds with no undertow to worry about.

I think one reason I loved dancing so much, is the fact that I could do on the dance floor what my bigger classmates could do on the athletic field; they could just ‘do it’. Allow the body to move on its own, self consciousness was put away, and the love of movement could take over.  At least this is what I think happens.  A few times in the Navy when I played football I would get into this kind of state, and I would flow with the energy generated by the sport, and I would do quite well, but then it would be gone and I would not be able to play that way for long, my self consciousness would take over.  Ya can’t dance and look at your feet at the same time.  The same goes for tennis and ping pong, I seriously suck at these pass times.  I am always thinking on how I am going to hit the ball, while thinking, the ball has passed me by……..such a geek.  The few times that I actually hit the ball right, was usually a fluke, luck, only that.

I suppose one of the reasons I love reading so much is for the same reason.  If I am reading fiction I can lose myself in the story, time seems to disappear when I enter into the world that the author created for awhile.  If I am reading some theology or philosophical literature I enter into the world of ideas, and this expansion also helps me to overcome my truncated understanding of who I am, allows me to be free for a short time in my exploration of reality, and striving to deepen my understanding of it.

 Again a weakness of mine is that if I am told to read something it makes me self conscious, and I have a very hard time doing it.  Perhaps I am afraid of being ‘graded’ or compared with others, or perhaps just stubborn, or a bit of all three. In any case it is something I have not been able to out grow.  I don’t think it is being independent; the exact opposite really. The same goes for writing, if someone asks me to write about something, again it is difficult for the same reason. 

I don’t consider myself a ‘real’ writer.  I am only doing this for a time, to be able to express myself in this kind of medium, and when I no longer need it, I will stop.  For instance the reason I send my ‘stuff’ out, is because I know on some level, it is important for me to do so, sort of like giving birth, of expressing things about me that need to be sent, it gets me outside of myself.  To write something and then to keep it would somehow truncate the process, why I don’t really know, but it is an intuition that I am willing to go with.  Not that I think what I write is important, it is just a stage I need to get thru.  I have friends who are writers, one who has four books to his credit, and for him writing is like breathing, for me it is not like that.  It is spontaneous, a simple expression of me, surprising myself at times with what comes out of, and one day this will be done.

I suppose I am a little too introspective for my own good, and I can sometimes get in my own  way.  I put this in just in case anyone wanted to let me know about that.