The wheel ever turning
03.14.06 (2:05 pm) [edit]
Even though I know that the experiences we have in life are cyclic in nature, that we effortlessly flow from one inner state to another, not even knowing when it happens; how, or why, I am still caught of guard when the change comes. The outer edge of the wheel surely turns, slowly for some, more rapidly for others, but turn it does and I guess it will stop only when the wheel stops in death.
I sometimes tell myself if only I could always feel emotionally centered, be reflective without effort, letting nothing from the ‘outside’ brother me, then life would be wonderful and I would have arrived. I suppose this sounds good on paper but in real life I suppose it would be quite miserable and yes boring. I have been to places where it is a perpetual spring, with sunny balmy days, and cool nights; the only problem being after awhile it becomes just background noise, something just there that I take for granted, becoming invisible.
Struggle seems to be important for us; we need the hot to understand the cool, warm, and cold. We need pleasure to understand the different levels of pain. The experience of love, in order to feel the other emotions, both positive, and negative, that also flow from this state These varied experiences cause us both joy and suffering. They also force us at times to make decisions about how we are to react, to pause and rethink on how we handle things, to make conscious choices on how to proceed, in other words we grow from our ability to learn and make choices.
When I am in a scattered state I have to ‘fight’ to remain centered, focused. I have to choose this, even if at the time it is not very comforting. It is easy to be loving towards others when I feel filled with love, but when the wheel turns and emotions are depleted or even cold then it is another matter to ‘choose’ to love and to act accordingly. If I fail, well again I have to choose on how to deal with it. The harder way is to be self forgiving, get up and continue on my way.
My heart can feel hard, dry and empty, but it is then that I am called upon to open up this heart of stone to God’s love and grace that never changes. The only instability present is within me, with my unstable inner states; now this now that, in an unceasing parade of images.
It is the center of the wheel that never moves, is quiet, and simply observes what is going on; it is there I am called to dwell, so as not to get over identified with these passing states. While real, they are also illusions, since while in the midst of them I can be fooled into thinking that they are real and that they will last forever, or if not that, then they are based on reality, and it is ok to judge the ‘real world’ by these passing states. It is like falling into a very large spider web, hard to get out of once entered into.
God is real, God’s grace is true, and the healing that comes from a relationship with infinite love is the only real stable place that can be worked from. The ever shifting inner weather pattern, our inner life, which is our human lot, is not a stable or secure place to build any kind of foundation on. All things pass, our youth, our loved ones, our jobs, our lives, what we think and feel, but God is eternal, and it is in God that we experience all things, which is really simply put Love.
So I continue to inch forward, four steps forward and three back, sometimes slower than that, but I respond to Whom calls me.