Hyper
02.17.06 (3:16 am) [edit]
I have found that balance is one of the hardest things for me to accomplish in life; one of the reasons for this is perhaps this ‘balance’ I am seeking does not exists except in my imagination. It is like standing in the middle of a seesaw; at least that is the picture I get in my mind’s eye. You know you stand in the middle trying to get the seesaw to be still, level, balanced, but all that happens is that it is always moving one way or the other no matter how slight. When I was little, it was one of my favorite things to do. I did get the seesaw to be still, balanced for short periods of time, but then it would start again. The problem was me, I could not stay still long enough, so the game would start again…… you can see I did not need much to keep me entertained. I remember one evening I was doing this and one of the women in the house next to the playground came over and asked me what I was doing? So I tried to explain, and she looked at me kind of funny, shook her head (a very pretty one) and walked away mumbling something like, “this kid has too much time on his hands”…..well she could have been right, but nonetheless I was true to my calling and continued in my quest for balance.
I tend to get a little hyper at times, just asks my friends, when I am by myself, no problem, I am quiet, I read, write, go for walks, you know quiet stuff, but when I get around people I get very animated, joking, laughing, talking…a lot…..and then I get very tired and have to be by myself. Now this is not very balanced is it? I have friends who are quiet all the time and I admire that, perhaps it is because I don’t often do that. People spark me, I like them, it is hard for me to meet someone that I don’t like. It is not a virtue or anything like that, it is simply temperament, I am easy going with a little hyper mixed in. I suppose it is a family thing, we all tend to be like that, just get just get us together in a room and it really lights up. We all have to talk louder and louder just to be heard, and if any one is having beer or wine, well ear plugs are needed. In any case I love being around family.
Study, meditation, prayer, veg-ing out is how I get my energy back and when that happens I am ready to venture out and get exhausted again, an endless cycle. Not that I am complaining, we all have our inner constellation that we have to deal with. Sometimes I wish I was a little more centered when with others; I seem to me more like a otter playing in the water than a rational human being when I am with others, too playful I think I am.
Once in awhile I will be with someone who I don’t react with but still come away exhausted. I remember a few years ago I met this guy at work, he was visiting one of the patients and we started talking for just a few minutes, but when I left him I felt drained, exhausted, and I mean really exhausted. Every time he visited he would ask for me, I would see him for about 15 minutes and then exhaustion. It got to the point that I would not be available when he came around, I would stay in the office, or work somewhere else until he left. One day I was outside and noticed him walking down the driveway, he was about 300 feet down; we have a large parking lot. When I saw him, and was congratulating myself that he did not see me, he stopped (!), turned, saw me and made a bee line towards me…..well I pretended not to see him and went back inside. This has happened a few time in my life and don’t understand it at all. I think it has to do more with me than with him. Perhaps I did not get that spark that allows me to be open to others, and when I am not open the holding back makes me tired. Lucky for me it happens seldom in my life.
I know at work I have learned to be careful about how much energy I expend, I have too much to do, too many people around for me to do that. I still am tired when the day is over. Perhaps working in such an environment is helping to learn to have more control about how I expend my energy, but at this rate I will be 114 before I learn, oh well I have 57 more years to go. By then I think I will start to act my age that will also help; or not.
In any case, I think most people are much more balanced when it comes to how they relate to the outside world, I guess I am always going to be on the seesaw, the little kid trying to get it to say still for awhile but never quite getting it.