As I was sitting

As I was sitting

As I was sitting with Lawrence yesterday afternoon, and reading the scriptures, I came upon Jesus saying that we must become like little children, to enter into the kingdom of heaven.

Actually it said the people were bringing infants to be blessed by Jesus.  I looked over at Lawrence, saw him lying there, breathing rapidly, true, but also at peace; eyes closed, praying at times, raising his arms in supplication, then going back into a kind of confusion, at least it seemed that way to me.  He was totally helpless, everything has to be done for him; for a man who all his life, until about 3 years ago, was totally independent, without any need of medication, now reduced to needing everything done for him.  Just like an enfant.  An enfant true, but in reverse, since he is now struggling to be born into a much larger world, into a world that none of us here knows anything about, but can only wait in hope; for some of us, hoping against hope, embracing our doubts right along with our faith, with both seeming to grow side by side, creating a tension that only leads to a deeper trust in God’s presence, though hidden.

Lawrence fought his dwindling, as we all do, but he has come to a peace now, a kind of knowing that it is truly his time to go.  He refuses even a little water, closing his mouth when we try to give him a sip.  He is abandoning himself to the process, letting go, sinking into his faith in a loving and caring God.  Sadness is there, to see such a strong man be reduced to this state, but at the same time, there is a joy, a hope, a confidence that he is moving towards something better, deeper and more lasting than anything he has found here.  His heart longing is about to be fulfilled.  He has stopped fighting, and in hope and faith walking his last mile, seemingly alone, suffering in the depths of his soul, but in reality he is not alone; he is being stripped of all that he does not need to cling to anymore, he is shedding his cocoon, ready to become truly what he is, or called to be.

Our hearts longing is for love.  A love that is wild, fiery, passionate, deep, all consuming; a love that is stronger than death, a love that is given freely by God to us, and only when we accept that do we experience that we have come home, or perhaps we get a small taste of what our true home is really like.  We are made for infinite love, that is why nothing really satisfies, why we seek; what Lawrence has been looking for all of his life.  We are made for more, the paradox perhaps is that we need to die to self to experience it, and the full consummation comes only after we move on, since it cannot be contained in this life.  To experience infinite love would surely kill the body, even as it strengthens the soul.

I felt the Father’s love surrounding Lawrence, gently leading him to his new birth; God as midwife, being with, healing in the midst of suffering, fear and pain, being with us to our journeys end, only to begin another.

Many will say that this is foolish, but I don’t think life can be fully embraced, with all of its pain, suffering and despair, unless we truly believe, in spite of doubts, that we are made for something more. 

So I feel sorrow, joy, fear, hope, tears and laughter all at the same time.  Lawrence is a treasure, a pure soul, beloved by God as we all are appearances to the contrary.  I want to both cry for him, rejoice with him, and I wish I could dance before the Lord to express this, and am frustrated that I can not, the experience is just to deep.

Peace

Mitch

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