to be seen

to be seen

07.23.05 (6:15 pm)   [edit]
I remember when I was a teenager, one of my favorite programs on TV was the Carol Brunette show; in fact it is still one of my favorite programs. The humor, from the merely silly, to the truly profound, is still just as fresh and funny as it was when I was 15. One skit touched me very deeply, when I first saw it one Saturday night while watching the show with the family. In the skit Carol was meeting a friend for lunch; once there she begin to tell her friend how people just seemed to not “see” her, it was like she did not exist. Her friend of course told her that she was imagining things and to get over it. Just then the waitress came over to take the order, after she took the order from the friend, Carol started to tell the waitress what she wanted, but she was totally ignored, and the waitress went off. The bus boy came over, and put down a glass of water for the friend, and again she was ignored. She screamed at the bus boy to get his attention; but was not heard. It was like she did not exist for all the other people in the room. Her friend meanwhile was reading the menu, Carol got her attention, and asked her friend if she noticed how she was invisible to everyone in the room. Her friend looked up and said: “Why Carol what a pleasant surprise to see you here”, and went back to her menu, and again forgot she was there. Getting hysterical Carol got up and started screaming at everyone in the room, again no one saw or heard her. So in desperation she tripped the bus boy, who fell and caused untold chaos in the room. Carol then proceeded to scream “ It was me; I bet you all will notice me now”. Well the bus boy got up and started to clean up, and no one knew what happened; Carol was not seen. In the end she ran screaming from the room without anyone seeing, hearing or caring; she did not exist for them.

It was a funny skit; I laughed, but also felt a deep sadness, and fear, while watching it. In fact to this day I still have the same reaction. It is amazing how she could do comedy with the most painful existential themes, and get people laughing at it. Actually all humor really does that, she was just very upfront in some of her skits about the human situation, and was very graphic about the pain and anguish involved. Of course it could just be me, not sure if others will agree with me on this. Have never talked about it with others, so have no way to knowing how others reacted to these skits.

I think most of us can remember times when we felt invisible like that, perhaps at a party or other function; were for some reason we could not insert ourselves in to the consensus reality of the group; sort of felt like oil trying to mix with water. I have observed others go through this, and have tried to help them feel part of the group, but don’t know if I succeeded in this endeavor.

I do remember an experience I had when I was 17. It was a Saturday night, and the group I hung out with, for one reason or another were doing other things. I heard about a party that was going on in the town of Gatun, in a house boat that was owned by the parents of one of the students. So I went, it was a wild party with a lot going on. I arrived, and not one person looked my way or greeted me though I knew most of the people there. I wandered from one part of the boat to the other, and for all practical purposes I simply was not there, sort of a “non-person” or perhaps some earth bound spirit trying to find a place of rest. Ok a little dramatic I know, so bear with me. The event in itself was not important in the overall scheme of my life, but the actual experience still unnerves me when I think of it. So after about an hour I left got into my car and drove off without anyone knowing that I was there.

I like being by myself. I like going to the movies by myself, or at most with one friend. I like going to book stores by myself, traveling by myself, but to this day I have trouble going into a room full of strangers, or with people that I barely know, and just mixing in; which is strange since I have a very outgoing personality, and for the most part am well received by others. Of course my outgoingness is simply a mask, something I learned when young. Give people a certain kind of attention and they will be satisfied and leave you alone on other levels.

I know that I am not unique, many are like me, and perhaps most people are like me, but deal with it better when it comes to social functions. I hate formal gatherings, banquets and parties. I like getting together with two or three friends, sipping wine, and talking about “things” that matter to the three I happen to be with at the time.

I remember a friend I had in High School, you know one of those friendships that happen without anyone really knowing it is a friendship, or in fact has happened. It was perhaps after I was out of High School that I realized what I had with this person. He was a year ahead of me in school, very intelligent and easy to talk to. He had to spend a lot of time at home doing chores; his parents treated him and his brother like they were slaves. I would go over and we would just talk, and the time would fly by so fast, that we would find ourselves talking for four or five hours and it would seem like a few minutes. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about, but do remember the freedom that I felt with this guy. A relationship that was unselfconscious and just simply happened; a gift that at the time I did not consciously appreciate then, but do now. Perhaps I felt like I was seen, and that was enough. I suppose if we met today that would be long gone. It was something that just happened and then died after he graduated and went off to the military.
I think perhaps this guy was very mature for his age, and just had the ability to listen, see, and to accept. Perhaps that is what it was all about after all. Perhaps he was just a very rare and kind individual that I was privileged to be friends with for only a short time; perhaps it was only supposed to last that long. I do think we all serve a purpose in one another’s lives, no matter how small the contribution.

So I try to emulate him, try to give the gift to others that he perhaps unconsciouly gave to me; to simply be seen and listened to.

peace
mitch