music/emotions/rambling
06.30.05 (6:20 am) [edit]I was driving home from the airport this AM and was listening to the radio; music keeps me focused when I am on the road. I have a broad range of music that I listen to; Rap, Heavy Metal, Country, World music and some classical. I am by no means a high brow when it comes to what I like to listen to. For the most part I like music that is heavy with the bass with a beat that wants me jump on top of my car and dance while I am going down I-75; a nice thought but not very practical by any stretch of the imagination.
I am not one of those people (never have been) were I need to listen to music all the time; I have no use for Ipods and mp3’s since I would simply not use them enough to warrant spending the money for them. However music is still important and I would like to share an example with you all.
My step-mother died last week at the age of 93. She married my Dad in 1984, not quite one year after my mother died at the age of 63 from emphysema; she was a heavy smoker and could not even stop smoking to extend her life. Now my step-mother was the one who introduced my Mom and Dad so in a since she was sort of a “mother” to begin with since I nor my brothers or sisters, would be here if not for her introducing them to each other. So Dad knew her from way back; she was also 7 years older than him when they married but at their age it did not matter at all. She had only one child and married into a family of 10 children and at the time 13 grandchildren (I think) and of course the tribe is even larger now. Not much chance of my family disappearing anytime soon I think. My dad asks me (just before he got married) what if some of my brothers and sisters did not approve of the marriage. I replied we are adults, get married and we will adjust; he did and we did, adjust. It was not hard to do, Niche was a wonderful women and everyone took to her right away, she fit in, which shows what a together person she really was.
Well since she came into our lives so late, and while we all loved her; I called mom and dad every week; her death was not the same as when our birth mother died, we were sad but not over come with mourning, she was 93 after all and ready to go. About three days after she died I was in the car listening to some music and while doing that I started to think back on Niche, you know remembering how she would laugh, how kind and generous she was with others, her love and caring for dad etc. I begin to fell very tender thoughts about her and it was then that I started to mourn for her. It was the music that opened the door for me to able to feel and experience her loss.
Music does get me in touch with a whole world of emotion that I would most likely never feel if there was no music in my life. I am comfortable with the “harder’ emotions; anger, fear etc; but the softer emotions are a whole world that I am still discovering a little at a time. I remember about ten years ago I bought a CD by “Drum Sister” called “Dadawa” and while listening to it felt something on my face; it was tears and I was amazed, I was crying something I have never been able to really do (as an adult). I have always been intrigued on how some people can shed tears; something I have always wanted to do…. and always thought what a relief it would be to be able to do that to just let go. I find it a mystery….crying. As I get older I find that movies and music helps me in this regard and helps to break the bubble that I have placed around my heart. I think this will probably shorten my life but I don’t think there is anything I can do about it but slowly allow myself to feel more on a deeper level. To bad it has to come through secondary causes; perhaps one day they will not be needed.
I often feel like a stallion that needs to be restrained when it comes to some of my emotions, something I have worked with all my life. I can really be a horse’s ass if I allow my anger full reign and could really make others miserable if I gave in to it. In the imitation of Christ it states that it is our temperament that is our greatest cross; that is true for me. I wish I was more of an “earth” person; one who is grounded instead of “fire” it wearies me at times. Of course perhaps it is my inner fire that allows me to feel such joy in music, dancing, movies…..a trade off.
I don’t know how many years I have left to live, but I will never stop trying to be a more loving and compassionate person no matter how many times I fail; like they say two steps forward and one step back. Some times I think it is for me one step forward and five steps back….well there is progress no matter how slow.
I feel God’s grace gently encouraging me, to get up and to focus on the journey, others and yes God.
Peace
mitch