waiting/being seen
06.29.05 (7:16 am) [edit]Sometimes I get the feeling that life is about waiting, sort of like being in the waiting area of the airport. For me the wait sometimes seems long, and a certain fatigue comes into play; as well as boredom at times. I often feel that something is coming, or perhaps it is that I am moving towards an event that will change everything; for good or ill I don’t know. Is it death that I am waiting for (?), or is it a desire for a greater life that has been planted into my heart and soul? At times while I am waiting I get a feeling of homesickness for something “other” than what I am experiencing or have experienced so far in life. At other times when I am either taking care of someone an have a certain connection with them, or with friends I seem to get a foretaste of what I desire above all else. I think that desire is to simply be “seen” for whom and what I am wrinkles and all and still loved and accepted.
One of the reasons, in my opinion, for the loneliness felt in human interaction is our inability to be able to work thru our projections, and transferences with others; I can be so busy interrupting the other and then possibly reacting to that interpretation that I totally miss the one who is in front of me. Carl Jung once said that any relationship that begins with either a strong attraction or repulsion is based on our propensity to project and have the person mirror back to us things that we either don’t want to see, or beautiful attributes or qualities that we have but are not developed. So actual friendship is hard to come by; friendship can only happen when both parties know each other and that there is a calmness in the relationship; urgent need is a big hindrance to any kind of deep abiding union. So friendship and marriage involve hard work after the honeymoon is over.
Sex can also get in the way if entered into to early (my experience only) since the need to copulate will override the need to communicate and get to know one another one a deeper level. The sexual act is so powerful and the tension so great between to people infatuated with other that it totally eclipses the need for other avenues of growth. The sexual tension when gone often levels the relationship out side of sex, to merely hanging out but no real desire to know each other, but only building things up for next encounter in bed. If the relationship is stuck there then both parties end up using each other and when that happens then end is often near. Not always of course since some people like relationships to stay at that level; however I don’t know many who are like that.
We desire to be “seen” and also fear it. I suppose for those who believe in God, one hurdle to be overcome is the knowledge that God already “sees” everything, so nothing is hidden. The problem is allowing ourselves to be “seen” by God consciously, to open up our deepest being to the loving gaze of God, a gaze that is there already but not connected to on a level of conscious relationship. Again what is one to do with “infinite love”; I don’t understand it, it would be more than human love no matter how powerful and the experience of such love may not always be pleasant, especially the way life seems to pan out. God does not project or suffer from transferences with us, God “sees” truly and that is why God can show mercy to all. To understand all is to forgive all. What I desire is already there, it is I who often fail to trust the “see-ing-ness” of God.
I think I wandered a bit with this post but will post it anyway.
Peace
Mitch