Clinging

You would think, that with my working with the elderly I would get used to aging and death.  I suppose in a way I am but there are times when I wish old age could be experienced differently by those lucky enough to reach that stage in life.  While it is true that most people spend active lives until the last few months, this is not true for many who seem to live in a limbo like existence for many years.

There are also people that I know who seem to have more soul, light and love than what you would ordinarily find in people; they have a grace about them that actually fills one with joy just to be around them.   Francis X is one of the men I take care of who is one of these people and his sister is the same.  Last night I was able to talk to Francis’s niece and her husband who were visiting him.  After a few minutes of small talk I asked about Francis sister who is really very special to me.  She is 85 years old and just had a stroke and though she has recovered for the most part, there are differences.  She is ok for instance if she is around two or three people but if the number goes up she gets very confused; also she can’t cook the way she was to do in the past.  As we were talking about her I was filled with a certain sadness at her diminishment and how her death is not far down the road.  It is times like this that I wish I could stop time and extend life for these special people, for when they die a light truly goes out in the world.

Having faith may give a certain meaning to our lives and also to our deaths, but it does not take away its “kick”; a kick that can take the breath away and leave one grasping in shock and pain.  This world is beautiful but impermanent, time seems to fold in on itself when I think about not only my life, but the lives of those I loved and have moved on.  Nothing can be grasped at, held or owned, even though we can fool ourselves that in fact we can grasp on to things and owned them, when in fact they own us.  The paradox for me is that joy comes with letting go but that is very hard at times to do.  Sometimes I will grasp on to something or someone even though I know that in the end it is not for my benefit nor for those I am attached to since it is based on a delusion.

Faith is not something for the weak; it is a conscious choice not to give in to cynicism or despair, to believe in the light even if one is only surrounded by darkness, to love even when the experience seems to be the opposite.  “God” is a convenient term we use for something that is unknowable that is not human (though as a Christian I believed the Word did take flesh), and that any revelation of God is just that, for we tend to forget that revelations are limited and not complete.  Even humans never really get to know each other and when we think we do then the relationship is in trouble since listening and openness are lost.

So life is brief, we live a short time, and what am I to do?  Well for me to grow in love is the most important thing, to see the beauty in others and not to (or try not to) box in people in containers that are too small to hold them.  Each person is a deep mystery and when we lose that then the “others” become card board figures that are in our lives to help us live out our own private drama.  Empathy is the way out of that trap.  For me empathy is like a switch in my soul that I can switch on if I am conscious enough of myself at any given time; when this is done a great weight drops off of me since I am freed of the pain and suffering of making myself judge over others.  There is good reason why we are told not to judge, we simply can’t read the heart of another, only God can do that.  However connecting with our common humanity allows us to be merciful and compassionate.

So as I get older I am trying not to cling, since the nature of life is that it is impermanent and also it is our nature to wear out; loved ones wear out and I need to embrace that and find joy in that also.  Pain is always with us but how I suffer is more of a choice based on attitude, faith etc.

Peace

Mitch