I sometimes wonder
06.15.05 (6:35 pm) [edit]I am not sure I should post this since it is more like a “stream of consciousness” kind of thing….but what the hell here it is anyway.
Peace
Mitch
I sometimes wonder about the emotions that I experience and how real they really are. The reason I am saying this is because I know how easy it is for my emotions to be manipulated by movies, music, books and yes commercials. I found myself near tears by the “I want to buy the world a Coke commercial” for god’s sake; what does that mean?
I tend to be accepting of others, very seldom meet someone whom I don’t like and am drawn to intelligent thoughtful people who like to read broadly. I am put off by people who are narrow since they tend to back away from me when they see how I think and look at the world that is so very different from theirs. It is easy for me to incorporate other people’s world views and I find it painful when those I befriend can’t incorporate me into their lives. Communication is hard and the older I get the less I try to dialogue with those I know will misunderstand my position on certain topics. I am not saying this because I think I am more intelligent than others since I am a man of only average intelligence, no rocket scientist here; however average intelligence is not something to look down on since average people are capable of great things, if only the fear of change and differences can be overcome and real listening can arise. I love differences and the more different a person is from me the more I enjoy being around them and learning from them.
Perhaps it is from growing up in a large family, I am the 3rd of 11 children, all still alive, except for Michael who died at birth in 1958, never saw him. Mom told me about his death but it did not affect me in any way; though I am sure my mother carried the sorrow of his loss to her grave. Having so many brothers and sister is like getting a doctorate in psychology since I had to deal with each of them on a daily basis, fighting, laughing and just plain working with. Also being 3rd I guess it has developed some leadership abilities in me. I don’t crave leadership but I tend to be put in some kind of leadership position no matter were I work and seem to be good at it; I think one reason for this is I tend not to fear authority but have an ingrained arrogance that makes me think I know better than they do; I don’t trust those in authority but am not rebellious I just try to work around them if the need arises. Now this can be a bad trait if not dealt with in an intelligent manner since authority issues arises from the unconscious and can cause a lot of trouble. However if those in power do something that I think is unfair I will put my foot forward and demand to be heard and usually I am listened to; perhaps it is because they know I will not stop until they do listen. After I say my peace then I let them make their own decisions. Also those I speak up for have to carry on themselves in trying to fight for justice in their own lives. I have very little use for passive aggressive types who will not at least try to find a better way to deal with life in general.
Well I am good at feeling anger, empathy, compassion and caring but have trouble in allowing strong feeling of love and sorrow arise to the surface. They are so powerful I don’t know how to handle them. I know why this is true and have written about in my blog called “early times” . I take care of myself and have a very hard time in asking for help from others, another trait that is not all that helpful to me since sometimes I do need help on an emotional and spiritual level; in the past this has caused me some harm. Not all pain is conductive to growth or health.
People have told me that I have an impersonal side to my personality, what they mean by this is the fact that I treat everyone the “same” and this bothers some people. They feel that I can’t really love unless there are other that I hate; a strange notion for me but not for some of my friends. For instance I will not take sides; if two friends have a disagreement I refuse to take sides, their relationship has nothing to do with the one I have with both of them. I have lost some friends over this but I will not take sides and treat the other in a manner that is unjust and I guess unloving.
I guess one reason that I went into care giving is to slowly get in touch with the ability to not only care or have compassion or empathy but to really love. The longer I am in care giving my ability to love on a deep personal level is growing and that is what I want. Love brings a depth to life that I did not know existed when I was younger…and yes it brings pain but I am not afraid of that it only shows that I am alive; besides we are supposed to wear ourselves out in loving and serving others. I don’t want to die looking like I am 35; I want to be old and tired looking when my time from loving service to others. Of course I have a long way to go in this regard; I will always have a long way to go. I tend to grow in a very slow manner with a lot if zigzags along the way.
People are so precious and Christ is found in those with whom I have the hardest time seeing that precious quality. Christ is truly in the least and for each of us that “least” would represent something different.
Oh yes…..I find myself missing my brother Michael very much as I get older…..another mystery for me, but I am glad that I am feeling this at last.
Peace
mitch