talking to myself

shock

05.05.08 (7:28 pm)   [edit]

shock

he almost died
but didn't,
he struggled and survived,
this time,
later,
well probably not,
for in the end
when all is said and done,
we all lose.

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Dancing soull

05.05.08 (6:51 pm)   [edit]

dancing soul

some souls jitterbug,
others waltz,
some do the two step,
others mental heads moshing,
in the end
each an expression of deep spiritual truth,
the depth
known only to God.

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Cycles

05.05.08 (8:37 am)   [edit]

Cycles

I am what you would call a light sleeper, the slightest sound on most nights will awaken me, and I am up, no problem.  However even light sleepers have their times when they are in deep sleep.  So when I got a knock on my door at 11:30 in the evening, I guess I was in deep REM sleep.  For I did awaken but felt like I was drug up from a deep tar pit at light speed; so I felt some shock, a feeling I am sure most can identify with.   So I got up, stumbled to the door and was notified by Bernadette that Philip was not doing well and I needed to come and check.  So I got dressed and hurried to the infirmary.

Phillip has been with us for many years, bed ridden for the last five years, weak, and needs to be in a geriatric chair when he is out of bed.   We try to get him up for a few hours in the morning and then for another three or four hours in the afternoon.   We have to use a lift since it is impossible for him to stand on his own, and his back is stiff, so even if he could be lifted, it would be dangerous for both him and the caregiver to try to seat him.  Most days he is peaceful, gentle, with a beautiful smile, and very easy to deal with.  On a few days he can be in a bad mood, then he can be a little more difficult, but all in all, one of the easiest patients we have on the floor; often finding humor in what goes on around him.

He has always had his cycles, and from time to time he would become very fatigued, and sleep and be unresponsive for a couple of days, but not in a way that caused concern.   Lately his cycle has shortened and his episodes have become more serious.   So I was not surprised at being awaken because he was now in distress.  

Phillip seemed to be struggling, clammy, his skin hot to the touch, though he did not have a fever, and blood pressure that went through the roof.   The pulse ox machine showed that his oxygen was 88.   Bernadette put him on oxygen before she came and woke me.  Though he was in distress it was not extreme.   Yet it was different; I could tell that this could be his final struggle, or just another accelerating turn of the wheel.   He has been with us for so long that it was hard for me to imagine that this could possibly be his last night with us.

It was time for his cleaning, so we did that quickly, got his bed straightened up and put him in a reclining position so he could breathe easier; though at the time he was not struggling much with that problem.  After that we put out the light and I sat with him for awhile to see how things would go.  I waited for another 20 minutes or so checked his oxygen level, it was now 77, and he was still hot to the touch.   I decided to get Fr Francis to come and give him the anointing.   I called him and he was there in short order.   We prayed, and give him the holy oils and Fr Francis blessed him.   He stayed for a few minutes and spoke some gentle kind words to Phillip, then left.

When sitting with someone who may be dying, I find that the hours fly by. I don’t know why this is so but it just happens for me that way.   I prayed some, read the 23^rd psalm, but could not get past the first sentence, “the Lord is my shepherd”, and keep thinking on how for Philip, the Lord is truly his shepherd, for he has always been a devout Christian, a gentle loving man.   I stayed until 6:30 and then went back to my room to try to get a few hours of sleep, but, 30 minutes later I was called back in.   When I arrived he was in a sitting position in his bed and struggling mightily to breathe.  It seemed he was most likely dying, though over the years I have learned never to make a statement  like that, too many times there has been a rally, just part of the cycle.    We have Ativian cream here, so I got some and applied over his wrist after I washed it, and in about 15 minutes he was able to relax a bit and fall asleep.  So I stayed with him for a few more hours.  

Rose the nurse arrived, she is a very compassionate woman, and I doubt this place would run without her knowledge, intelligence, and common sense, when it comes to caring for those who are in the last stages of life.   Before she came to work here she worked in hospice, so she was comfortable in dealing with those who are moving towards their exit from this life.  Her heart is also has big as the world, she seems to love everyone.   Even when not at work she is always visiting or helping her friends, which are many.   I just get tired watching her.   Because he could not drink at this time, he would aspirate, we could not give him his liquid Tylenol for pain, he gets it twice a day for his arthritis, and it was acting up.   We have liquid morphine, so Rose gave him small dose, which helped him and he was able to become more comfortable.

Later that morning he became very emotional, not sad, but smiling and crying.   I talked to him about his sister Ada, and that really got the tears flowing, for he loved her very much.   Though as I reminded him how he used to ask me to spend some time with her, because she was so outgoing, joyful, that he wore him out; for he was very introverted.   He laughed at that and cried some more.   I told him how much I loved his sister, and how we used to go out for a meal once in awhile.   I showed him his family portrait, all gone now except for him and his younger brother who is not 80, Phillip is 90, and he smiled and touched it.  After that he slept for awhile.

So he slowly got better and this morning he was bright, alert, or as alert as someone with Alzheimer’s can be.   Though Neda just informed me that he is now getting hot again, and getting pale, so perhaps we are getting ready for another round, perhaps his last, perhaps not, in any case we will be there for this very gentle, kind, and lovable man.

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silence

05.03.08 (7:31 pm)   [edit]

silence

the true observer,
(separate from inner tribe
yelling, wanting, desiring);
quiet compassion.

in silence waiting
the intense inner struggle
playing again its drama;
yet just that nothing

for all passes but the silence

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Edna

05.03.08 (12:40 pm)   [edit]

Edna

I have known Edna for quite a few years now,
a quiet lady,
classy in her own way,
I often see her at the Wall Mart here in Conyers,
she is a quiet woman for whom I have more than a little respect,
a hard worker,
earnest,
the salt of earth type of person.

Middle class,
been with Wall Mart for over twenty years,
58 years old,
so she is like me getting up in years.

I was at her place of employment this morning;
when there I don’t always expect to see her for it is a super store,
a place one can get lost in.
As I was walking by the households isle
I heard my name being called
and there she was,
smiling,
welcoming.

We talked,
soon I could tell that she was going through quite a bit,
she was feeling isolated,
even betrayed by those she worked for
and yes
her church.
So I just listened.

She is worried about her job,
now being 58 and having worked for Wall Mart for over 20 years,
her salary was more than most,
so she told me that they can’t fire her
but they make things so difficult for people like her,
loyal employees,
that they end up quitting,
she did not understand how they could treat loyal employees so badly.

She was worried about health issues,
her insurance is not as good as she would like,
but she is thankful that she has it,
but it pays very little,
so she is in debt with the hospital which she is paying a bit every month,
for she pays her bills.

Her church also bothers her,
she went into that a bit and again I listened,
really not knowing what to say,
as she talked I felt helpless and was even beginning to take on her hopelessness,
a very bad habit that I have,
for it helps no one with that happens.
So I tried to keep my boundaries up and stayed with her.

What to say?
I suppose I did make the appropriate noises
but they sound so phony,
for we each carry a burden alone,
or so it seems at times.

She finished and she came forward for a hug,
after the embraced I said I would pray for her,
yet it sounded hollow,
though I meant it,
for when in the midst of suffering and worry
that is all that seems real,
yet hopefully things will settle for her,
but like so many she struggles mightily to make it through the day,
making me sad that I could not do more.

So it goes.

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Simple speaking (from my doug eaton blog)

05.02.08 (3:56 pm)   [edit]

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A day out with Luke

05.02.08 (8:34 am)   [edit]

A day out with Luke

Took Luke, who is 96 years old,
to see a good friend yesterday,
I combine trips,
he had a dentist appointment,
and Clair lives 15 miles away,
she loves Luke very much, which is not hard to do,
he is a gentle soul,
always smiling and helps to take care of people 30 years his junior.

I asked him what he wants for lunch,
he thought for a few minutes,
he always looks up to his left when thinking,
smiled,
and said,
baloney sandwiches, with mustard,
something I could agree upon,
I so love baloney.

I asked for hot dogs,
we are both cheap dates that is for sure.
With mashed potatoes and baked beans,
a coke, glass with ice
and I for one am set.

We arrived,
Clair and her grandmother
and the dogs,
treated Luke like he was a rock star,
such a fuss,
while I,
sad to say was ignored,
a 60 year old cannot compete with someone 96,
with enough charm to coax apples off a tree before their time.

There was a very nice Jamaican lady there,
I am such a ditz
I forgot her name,
but herself no,
she was very nice
big smile,
and best of all she let me have some Chicken and rice,
ahhhhhh such memories of my Panama days
when Mandy would bring home the same dish,
it almost tasted the same,
et the whole thing
to my shame,
well no, no shame at all.

Of course more pictures of the baby;
I think the world will one day end,
drowning in pictures of the perfect babies,
shown by proud mom’s and grandmas,
throughout the world;
yes of course the baby is perfect.

We ate,
laughed,
I drank my coke,
ate four hot dogs,
mustard on the bottom of the bun,
then onions,
then yes the hot dog,
baked beans,
sour kraut,
and yes the chicken and rice;
so in the end,
to say I was surfeited is an understatement,
did not even have room of ice cream,
but it was Clair's fault and the nice Jamaican lady,
it is cool to have someone to blame,
yes?

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