Bereft
12.31.07 (4:05 pm) [edit] |  |
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Bereft
Layers upon layers lie within
we are each hidden one from another,
at times a prison where no one understands
and seeking to communicate only makes things worse,
perhaps it is then that compassion is learned
empathy developed,
since the lesson is that we all experience ourselves alone
often bereft of comfort or understanding.
When the cold wind of isolation blows,
the only warmth possible
is the simple understanding from another
that perhaps the chasm cannot be crossed,
no one to blame,
yet in that companionship is found.
Unstable
12.31.07 (8:19 am) [edit] | |
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Unstable
He can change on a dime, you never know when it will happen,
one moment he will be joking with you, laughing, smiling,
then without warning he will lash out, hitting, trying to bite,
screaming and to top it off could throw his plate full of food.
We have some medicines to give him when he gets like this,
once in awhile we gets hints, so we can give it early
bypassing any kind of out burst, that could be dangerous,
sometimes people get hurt in doing their care giving jobs,
so far we have been very lucky.
He is of course not responsible for his actions,
his ups and downs are perhaps getting worse now,
his disease is progressing, and each victim is affected different,
some fade, others actually become happy, and yes,
there are those who can really rage, there is a little in each,
yet one tends to predominate.
I would suppose fear could have much to do with it,
perhaps to suddenly not know where one is,
not recognizing those who are laughing and talking around you,
perhaps not understanding what they are doing
I would imagine engender fear leading to anger,
a form of misguided self protection.
So we watch for signs, and hope for the best,
for we know he is not in control
and at times he remembers and feels shame,
so we have to let him understand that we know,
truthfully, that it is not something he can help,
or control on his own.
So forgiveness is not necessary,
yet at times we have to grace him with it
in order for him to calm down and feel all right.
Humpty Dumpty
12.30.07 (9:49 am) [edit] | |
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Humpty Dumpty
As I look within my sometimes chaotic inner world
faces seem to float to the surface presenting themselves.
One appears with a look of contempt,
another follows and says I am anger,
then yet another visage announces I seek love,
and so it goes a long procession of inner selves,
arrogance,
pride,
humility,
love and yes hate,
saying deal with me or the world will end.
Like children saying give to me now,
only this need or want important,
all others can wait.
It wearies me at times
yet I often feel compassion for these inner selves
fragmented aspects of who I am,
for I at times feel that way
as if I am merely bits and pieces
scattered over the cosmos
unable to piece myself back together again;
Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall.
Yet who or what is it that observes all of this
seeking understanding?
Who is it that sees the many faces or selves surfacing,
indeed who are the ‘selves’ that appear and then sink?
What is it that knows of fragmentation seeking wholeness,
and again,
when this observer is quiet
who is it that observes that silence?
Ever expanding watchers it seems resides within as well
as the floating faces arising from the inner chaos.
Where is God in all of this?
Is separation even possible,
for transcendence and immanence are one,
so if this be true,
am I one?
God is one,
what does that say?
I think I am afraid to say what it means,
for the freedom and love offered too much
for my still fragmented soul.
One day perhaps
I will finally give my ‘fiat’ and open that door,
then that fragmented self will end,
cease,
be no more
swallowed up in the one;
life,
expansion eternal.
Traditions
12.29.07 (5:06 pm) [edit] | |
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Traditions
All my life, my experience of time is like that of so many,
it moves so fast that life is almost a dream,
moments whiz by along with the days, months and years,
and yes now that I am older, decades.
I embrace this with my whole heart; the rapidity,
it comforts me to be able to say, “this to shall pass.
Now this, now that, one continuous chain looping,
events seeming endless but that is an illusion,
for without an ending there would be no time,
no urgency or desire to accomplish anything,
one short life gives color and depth to our days
if we keep the reality of our temporality before us,
then perhaps we will find that we do enjoy life to its fullness.
When young I thought old age was far off,
now my youth seems like a dream causing me to think,
“Did it all really happen”, was I really that callow youth?
Almost a stranger to me now, yet also me, a part of the puzzle,
the complexity that is simply us, all of us without exception, such is our journey.
Aging should be embraced, along with learning and growing in love.
Our energy, it just changes as we mature becoming more inward,
preparing us for our appointment with that hour when we must leave,
go through that dark door into what many believe is light, healing,
an endless growing relationship with the eternal,
something for me beyond comprenshion, though I believe it to be true.
The mystery deepens as the years fly by, my understanding lessens,
yet also my hope and freedom to seek the truth from my heart expands,
not allowing others to tell me, or preach to me, unless I want them to.
I belong to a tradition that feeds me and pushes me towards greater freedom,
yet the roots also remain, for without roots there are only fast growing weeds,
quick to flourish and then quick to die.
Traditions are alive if they stay malleable and true,
a conduit between the past, present and future,
a living vine filled with juice and greenery that seeks its own maturity,
of which I am a small part.
New Years Eve has never been that important to me even when young,
I always stayed in that night, leaving my night life for saner evenings,
never understood the noise and racket, yet I know it is important to many,
and for me that is enough.
Perhaps having New Years Eve gives hope, the coming year will be better,
hope is a good thing, for without it life can become one long grey trip to nowhere,
something I would not wish on anyone, ever.
So Happy New Year everyone and may you all be blessed. I hope and pray that this year will truly be better than the one before…….and if not, well cling to hope, faith, love, and also your traditions that pave a way though the chaos.
remains
12.29.07 (8:54 am) [edit] | |
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remains
in just an instant
encountering divine love
all that was dross fell away
only gold remained
Invisible
12.28.07 (11:17 am) [edit]
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Invisible
Alone she sat sipping her coffee
people around her laughing and joking,
the waiters and waitress doing their dance
moving around the tables,
some jitter bugging
others doing a waltz,
yet all found the isolated figure invisible;
why did I notice her?
I hate the pity I feel
for people deserve much more than that,
besides how dare I judge her lonely or isolated
was I not also alone in the restaurant
invisible to others.
folly
12.27.07 (5:18 pm) [edit] | |
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folly
the heat gone again
trapped in rejections cycle
overwhelmed repetition
ones heart grows afraid
yet love calls us all
some say it is truly grace
others just natures own way
we long for it so
the touch or the look
can a day create or break
no wonder walls are set up
though it is folly
wraith
12.27.07 (4:39 pm) [edit] | |
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wraith
in the simple lab
as I was bringing samples
I saw her sitting silent
bowed over in pain
her skin milky white
it seemed that death had took her
yet her eyes large and oval
watched me silently
later I saw her
coffee in hand sipping slow
I smiled saying good morning
her eyes large, withdrew.
Late arrival
12.26.07 (8:28 am) [edit] | |
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Late arrival
It was late in the Atlanta airport about ten years ago,
well past midnight so few people around,
I was waiting for a friend arriving late,
sitting down reading, or trying to,
I hate airports that time of day,
a tomb of sorts.
As I went to get some coffee
needed a caffeine jolt,
my mind fuzzy,
only wanting to sleep,
a little angry that my friend
was coming in so late.
It was then I noticed the old women sitting in the dark,
well dressed,
well over eighty,
just alone,
stone still out of sight in the gloom.
I got my coffee and came back,
became worried,
no flights coming in for that airline;
not wanting to scare her
I kept an eye on her from a distance,
my concerned mounting as the time crawled by.
She did move a bit,
kept her head down as if afraid she would be noticed,
probably by me,
so I kept quiet.
Time was running out
no sure what to do,
so for the time being I just waited.
My friends plane was coming in,
and I was deciding to call the airport 911
for I could not approach her,
nor could I leave her hidden alone like that,
just then I heard stomping feet,
her family came running,
laughing making apologies for being late
hugged her,
she laughed and returned theirs hugs,
she was happy,
they were happy,
and I was happy,
I was even smiling when my friend came off the plane.
Almost as good as sleep
12.25.07 (6:52 pm) [edit] | |
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Almost as good as sleep
Dark clouds finally descended,
their beauty lending to the peace of my walk,
soft cold rain gently falling ,
hopefully leading to something stronger.
Some sleet in other parts of the city,
giving hope that the drought might be coming to an end,
though the water depth steep,
the end seems near.
The woods wet,
the lack of sunshine helpful in healing the parched earth,
all is quiet,
even the deer seem to be in hiding or perhaps just sleeping,
for I usually see them bounding off with the whites of their tails showing.
I so love winter days, dark and cold,
for low lying clouds
allow for peace to settle for awhile,
my mind at peace
almost as good as sleep,
days such as these.
Do we dare
12.25.07 (12:41 pm) [edit] | |
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We try so hard to limit the Lord
creating him over in our mental landscape
and illusion born of need to control
what is in fact the wildness thing of all.
Divinity,
uncreated,
eternal
and revealed as love incarnate.
Rage and anger we understand,
we all have it,
experienced it,
fear also a friend of sorts
unpleasant but truly known;
but infinite love,
unending,
that can be scary,
something unknown
yet we are called to believe
in infinite's love for each of us.
Do we dare love ourselves,
as we do others?
Our call is just that,
simply love,
unconditional,
truly grace's gift.
spice
12.24.07 (8:45 am) [edit] | |
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Our time is short,
our successes are fleeting,
losing site of what we really want
often ignoring those whom we love.
Taking them for granted
until too late the lesson learned
and we are left alone
our success then loses all meaning
for of itself it is useless.
People are the spice of life
our loved ones the salt and pepper
for without them life can be tasteless.
or,
filled with empty pleasure giving no satisfaction.
Its own reward
12.23.07 (7:55 pm) [edit]
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Its own reward
When we give we draw close to God,
the feeling of expansion we experience
is the joy of being outside of ourselves,
the fruit of living for time in a larger world
when the focus is on others
without thought of reward.
The fruit of love
is simple
it is sweet
it is the ability to love expanded,
love is its own reward
God is love
It will happen
12.23.07 (7:05 pm) [edit] | |
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It will happen
Life seeks a worn path
a way trod by the many
one smooth without much effort
yet tragedy comes.
Then it all begins
chaos enters all seems lost
the darkness enters softly
some do well, not all.
In the balance true
reality is much more
for love and healing present
friends that help to cope
Icon
12.23.07 (11:01 am) [edit]
Icon
Holding the infant gently
the mother looks outward
asking the question calmly:
“Do you understand”
what this is about,
the life offered,
the love taught
the lesson of transcendence
and yes immanence,
for one without the other is absurd.”
it is a revelation of something always true,
Christ one with the human race,
the infinite mind become a child,
each called to give birth to the coming;
the eternal coming of ‘God with us’ “.
Such folks
12.21.07 (3:36 pm) [edit]
Some people have the ability to be honest
to actually learn from life's harsh lessons,
to accept their mistakes
even the deepest and darkest of sins,
to become naked before others
in allowing themto see what they where,
yet also,
in giving hoping to others in what they have now become.
I feel comfortable around such folks,
sages hidden,
poor,
yet I find them rich
filled with compassion and empathy
finding it difficult to condemn or look down on others
since they know their own reflection.
Perhaps one day I will find what they have,
then,
perhaps in time,
I can become a symbol of hope for others also
Soft
12.20.07 (4:34 pm) [edit] | |
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Soft
The deeper the anger
the expression of rage
and isolation sought,
shows for those who can see and forgive
the deeper the need to be seen,
the softer the core.
anxious
12.20.07 (3:57 pm) [edit] | |
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The hours are long
nothing seems to fill the space
though tired hard to settle down
"being" difficult.
Lighten the load (from my doug eaton blog)
12.19.07 (1:54 pm) [edit] | |
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Pain is everywhere,
we all feel it weight
its oppression,
so when possible
lighten the load from those you meet,
it cost nothing to be kind
to hold back a harsh word;
so yes lighten the balance of the worlds pain.
There are really no strangers,
true each unique
yet our inner worlds more alike than not,
we can all be healers,
well perhaps we already are.
Empathy disallows the luxury of anger,
contempt cannot arise
for we slowly learn to see oursleves in others
all brothers and sisters
on a long dark hard road
so yes brighten the way it is not hard
just think
"how do I wish to be treated".
Early morning walk
12.19.07 (1:22 pm) [edit] | |
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early morning walk
wet ground, soggy leaves, cold air
something that I love
The gesture
12.18.07 (6:12 pm) [edit] | |
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The gesture
Simple gestures
made in an unconscious way,
the kind ones
and those perhaps cruel,
or evil,
can have effects
that would astound the one
who preformed the magic
and then went their way
unknowing of the fruit
both bitter and sweet
harvested.
There are those
12.17.07 (7:00 pm) [edit] | |
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There are those
There are those we notice who make a difference in our lives,
what they do is important and affect us in different ways,
we carry them around inside our subjective experiences,
the way we perceive them and yes judge, believed to be real,
perhaps there is truth in what we think, at least in part,
yet why do others at times not agree with our assessment?
Some bring us pleasure, we like them, perhaps love them,
they can become friends, someone we can talk with,
also they have a certain power over us, for relationship
allows access to our inner world, what they do is important
if it relates to us.
Others bring pain, we don’t like them, certainly not love them,
they can become an enemy of sorts, someone we can’t talk to,
they to have a certain power over us,
whether we know it or not;
relationship,
even if negative allows access to our inner domain, so again,
what they do is important if it relates to us.
Again there are those we know in which we are indifferent,
they are just there, we can talk to them,
yet they have no power over us for there is no relationship,
they do not have access to our inner life, and so it goes
what they do is not important even if it relates to us.
We all fit the above categories for others,
some love us,
others find us irritating,
and yes many are indifferent,
none of the above are bad it is just part of being human,
yet those in relationship can cause us joy and pain,
it is the pain that causes problems,
Why?
Everything is taken personally, when it fact this is not true,
others or others, the why’s of what they do hidden,
our thinking we understand them folly,
do we even understand ourselves?
Forgiveness is the only way out,
to accept that others are the way they are,
simple,
and it really has nothing to do with us.
Those who irritate us are not doing it on purpose,
they have their ways, just as I have mine,
if my actions irritate,
it is not my intention,
often if I hurt it is not intentional,
we are not here to please one another,
love, yes,
but each is a mystery never fully understood.
So those we love,
and those we don’t,
each exist apart from my inner domain and judgments.
Isolated worlds
12.16.07 (8:56 am) [edit] | |
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Isolated worlds
From looking into the heart and seeing the inner struggle there
the reality of what hell is comes strongly into the light,
the seeds planted deeply cultivated by each new generation,
splashed upon our TV screens for all the world to see.
Formed by lies our cultures cultivate presenting them as truth,
the innocent young minds twisted by the current prevailing world view,
cultures scapegoat each other their shadow worn by others,
allows hate and contempt to grow with impunity.
Hells are isolated worlds created on lies presented as truth,
the dehumanization allowing cruelty to flourish and grow,
lulling the conscience to slumber and humanity die
one person at a time.
Why?
The question often asked in pain and rage
shaking fist reach up to heaven seeking another scapegoat
on which to hang our responsibility and our sins
and yes our ignorance we don’t have the courage to face.
Mirrors are made for a reason, the reflection serves a purpose,
to look, observe, and change what is reflected back,
allowing our common natures to grow in self knowledge,
empathy and compassion;
the key to escape the maze we have created
by convoluted thinking twisted by fear and hate.
Love and hate reside within, another neighbor violence,
causing havoc and pain around the world,
we stoke our own fire that burns us without mercy,
our wars, racial and religious hatreds feeds the smoke ascending,
our screams rise before a loving and forgiving God
who out love entered our underworld.
So look at the cross and see your soul
carried by God to the plank our pain bearing
the ultimate scapegoat hated and despised
yet only forgiveness and love given in return.
Is God to be feared,
his rage should we flee from?
Or perhaps it is just us we should learn to fear,
for we cannot flee from ourselves
but only eat the bitter fruit grown on the tree of good and evil.
Seeking results than only lead to further suffering
trapped in cycles we cannot seem to stop
tied to the wheel endlessly turning
which only love and self forgiveness can release,
yet we seek it not.
Jesus wept
Live simply
12.15.07 (5:34 pm) [edit] | |
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Live simply
Live simply,
learn to love what you actually have
get only what you really need
and if you want
get it because you desire it
and not told that you should.
Learn to throw away what you don't need
for many trash there lives with keeping what is never used,
sadly,
we live in a world were there can be too much
it can bury one alive,
filling living spaces with clutter
unable to move freely in ones own home,
so decern,
and live simply.
The journey can be dark
12.15.07 (1:49 pm) [edit] 
The journey can be dark
The journey can be dark and cold,often loneliness our only companion,
so we often seek surcease in ways destructive
yet they perhaps keep us alive.
Money, fame and power don't seem to help,
though they can make the journey lighter,
though for some it all ends in tragedy and sorrow
yet such things are sought on life's dark journey.
Beauty and health can desert us on without warning,
what taken for granted lost in an instant,
gone the world becoming a smaller place
as slowly we are backed in corners as the years slide by.
Yet in the end what makes it bearable
is something simple and elegant it presentation,
making us willing to bear all things,
yes to even hope,
and to believe,
yes so simple,
common even yet unique for each,
not mere sentimentality
but rooted in something deeper and lasting
and it is called love.
The journey can be dark
12.15.07 (1:11 pm) [edit]
The journey can be dark
The journey can be dark and cold,often loneliness our only companion,
so we often seek surcease in ways destructive
yet they perhaps keep us alive.
Money, fame and power don't seem to help,
though they can make the journey lighter,
yet for some it all ends in tragedy and sorrow,
still such things are sought on life's dark journey,
even if known the bitter end for the many.
Beauty and health can desert us without warning,
what taken for granted lost in an instant,
gone the world becoming a smaller place
as slowly we are backed in corners as the years slide by.
Yet in the end what makes it bearable
is something simple and elegant in its presentation,
making us willing to bear all things,
yes to even hope,
and to believe,
yes so simple,
common even, yet unique for each,
not mere sentimentality
but rooted in something deeper and lasting
and it is called love.
Night skies
12.14.07 (3:08 pm) [edit] | |
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Night sky
It was about two thirty in the morning when I took my walk,
I often do when I know that I can't go back to sleep,
and I so love the dark and the beauty of the night skies
so walks at that time are second nature for me.
Stars above, clear and close, awake in me a home sickness
or perhaps a longing for I know not what,
then again, perhaps am afraid to look too deeply into the matter.
The silhouettes of the bare branches against the night sky
always a great source of beauty for me,
the lines etched on the horizon truly works of art,
better than any man or woman could sketch
always bring me a sense of rightness of balance
allowing my mind to rest in the simple moment.
This morning I saw five shooting stars
something unusual for me
perhaps I was just more attentive
yet I was thankful for the privilege of seeing it
for it is easy to appreciate something rare,
the common place a different question entirely,
for it is common to take for granted beauty always there.
Perhaps it is only children who truly experience joy
simple happiness with existence,
then it is lost as maturity makes it way to the fore,
hopefully to regain it as the years fly by,
yet then the joy would be deeper,
and the delight more lasting,
for with age comes the knowledge of temporality,
when that learned it is life that is rare,
moments only come once,
so nothing taken for granted.
profit
12.14.07 (10:10 am) [edit] | |
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Profit
What matters
the bottom line
on which our economy works
is money,
responsibility for how it is made
almost non-existent,
sell, buy, sell ,buy, sell, buy,
the sacred mantra entoned
to the gods of commerce.
Each year more profit must be made
more things hoarded
or soon thrown away,
boredom sets in so easily
when too much is taken for granted.
Buy use throw away,
nothing sacred
so much,
and yes I am part of the problem,
for caught up in the web
I find it hard to find freedom,
brainwashed by the constant hum
and noise
of commercials,
spam,
and unwanted phone calls,
buy, buy, buy.
Yet is works doesn't it
Enclosed garden
12.13.07 (6:43 pm) [edit] | |
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Enclosed garden
It is enclosed the garden here,
a fountain situated facing west,
with two fir trees on each side,
the water making beautiful melody
soothing to anyone who takes the time to listen.
The pond filled with plants,
wild actually in their profusion,
the way I like it,
crowded with gold fish
and a few coi,
they being black, white and yellow,
gorgeous.
I sit in one of the chairs along the walk way
and close my eyes
allowing the sounds to calm me
and to perhaps pray for a short time,
afterwards leaving refreshed.
I find the enclosed garden healing
my spirits rise even when I just stroll through
or hurry by,
it is the same
I feel greeted
embraced by it simple beauty.
Warm winter evening
12.13.07 (8:13 am) [edit] | |
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Warm winter evening
The evening warm for a December day,
the air quiet, gentle, comforting in its caress,
the woods piled high with the fall’s bounty
the leaves spreading their decaying perfume ,
frankincense like to my perception.
In one small part of forest
surrounded by small roads on all sides,
contains a beautiful Bamboo crop,
some tall and green
others moving towards yellow,
many fallen and like the leaves
slowly being absorbed into the earth.
Not a sound,
well one,
the lonely song of a Cricket,
a vespers of sorts for the ending of its day,
nothing else,
just peace,
quiet,
no sound.
I walked across the levee
observing both ponds
their water level lower than I have ever seen,
yet enough,
a long way off to being depleted.
Along the sides there are two trees
long since fallen halfway into the water
taking years to die,
now both at rest,
their limbs forming a twisted
though beautiful sculpture
that I always stop and admire.
Then the fields,
grass low,
almost white dormant
also sleeping the winter away.
Some deer grazing,
not finding me a threat
though curious as usual
but not for long;
soon they return to feeding.
Moving my prayer rope slowly though my fingers,
repeating the Holy Name,
my mind quiet
I simply enjoyed my walk.
Hook in me
12.12.07 (8:35 am) [edit] | |
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Hook in me
Emotions flow of their own accord
often times my mind plays it’s own tapes,
movies,
reruns seen often,
all I have to do is sit back and observe,
the length of their life
depending on how the observer reacts,
calmly allowing things to proceed,
or being absorbed by the inner play,
which allows the story to spin out of control
its run longer than need be.
Hook in me,
ring outside,
that is the connection
when the dance begins,
contact with the center lost for a time
and the waves are ridden,
at times drowning in the illusion
of my judgments and projections.
Emotions, feelings, thoughts, inner pictures
rise and fall like waves on the ocean
sometimes wild and furious
at others
calm and placid,
I am slowly learning that both are the same,
passing,
it is the observer who is always present,
for in the depths there is peace,
silence,
and the simple gaze of the beloved on my soul.
The gaze is one of compassion for all,
It’s love not based on need,
or compulsion,
it just is
seeking a return of love
patient in it’s waiting,
so my fears are groundless though they feel real,
yet in the end it is the gaze that wins,
bringing me also to learn to simply gaze
and be
in the deep underlying presence.
At times I get lost in the inner drama
it reflection projected on the world outside
and I walk the maze of my own reflections,
until tired I sense that I am the observer again
and the gaze simply waits, loves, and welcomes
me,
the prodigal son back home.
Fear is useless,
what is needed is trust,
a lesson I am slow in learning,
that love is not earned,
it is pure gift
eternally bestowed,
who can imagine such a thing
though true.
The world is real,
evil and stupidity happen
yet when compassion is lost
the inner connection broken
all that is left is chaos.
I hope
12.12.07 (8:19 am) [edit]
I hope
I hope that in my own little way
in spite of my often pessimistic moods
and thoughts,
with my preoccupation with the underneath,
that I can everyday alleviate the pain in the world,
perhaps only in a small way,
yet to lessen pain is no little thing,
littleness or poverty is no excuse not to try.
So look and reach out when you can,
touch,
and simply be with,
love,
and perhaps a little healing will come,
the hearts weight lessened,
if only for awhile,
what else can we do?
Where it leads
12.11.07 (7:07 pm) [edit] | |
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Where it leads
Love has a power I don’t fully understand;
the experience of being seen
yet still embraced
probes deep into the soul,
in an instant much can be swiped clean
if only it can be accepted.
Why is this so?
Does human love point to something else;
is it a sign along the way
or simply a dead end?
I don’t know at times
yet I experience its power…….
though rare
true love is extraordinary,
its power should not be underestimated
or ignored.
Our songs deal with it,
literature swims and at times drowns
in its depth,
our poetry, prose and stories
are drenched in its influence on our lives.
Our longing for love so deep
it is experienced as a thirst almost infinite,
what is calling us,
is anything?
Each must decide to what love points to,
what it means,
where it leads.
Sleep
12.11.07 (6:49 pm) [edit] | |
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Sleep
I can get very tired,
can barely lift up my head
my eyelids droopy desiring to close,
yet for time I must wait
though my pillow,
bed,
and blanket call me softly.
Being tired is wonderful,
deep sleep promised with dreams of course,
for I always dream,
many of them life changing,
though most just fun,
a few scary ones but not many
for I had my fill of nightmares as a child,
so now sleep is peaceful
and the dreams healing.
Ahhhhhhh sleep.
The fight
12.11.07 (8:25 am) [edit]
The fight
The call can be strong even insistent in its pursuit
yet I often ignore, or perhaps run from the freedom offered,
as if I prefer my chains of petty concerns and fears
to the wide open spaces offered to me by grace,
locked behind a door that I have the key to, often not used.
I am often a stranger to myself,
needing to be re-introduced over and over again,
for when I am foolish enough to think I know myself
I am quickly brought to my knees,
so slow is the journey towards the light.
I am at times overwhelmed by graces patience,
sense I have little understanding of the nature of love,
well infinite love,
something deep, bottomless, inexorable in its wooing,
running me down until I say “enough”,
and perhaps for a time walk the path towards the light,
until the irrational,
the fearful,
the childish once again awakes:
“deal with me” it whines.
So the wheel turns,
will I ever find rest (?),
or perhaps I have it already,
it is just my spirit and soul are still so young;
so mercy is always offered.
I am sure there are many who run the straight path,
disciplined in their progression,
they are called saints,
I am just neurotic,
yet I am not sure I would have any other way,
each different,
yet the same mercy and love offered.
So I stumble forward,
thankful for the grace and love offered,
knowing that we are all on the road together
brothers and sisters,
humanity,
beloved by God, though we stumble and fall,
and are at times consumed by our passions,
of hate and greed.
Perhaps we are all young,
so childish perhaps in different ways,
often times not understanding what we are doing,
or the harsh judgments often dished out towards others,
thinking truth resides in our hearts,
and not in those judged.
Life perhaps about something more,
deeper than what we can ever hope or conceive,
something glorious that we all stumble towards,
with the saints showing us the way.
Inner itch
12.10.07 (7:37 pm) [edit] | |
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Inner itch
What is the gnawing that many feel,
that drives us here and there like mad men and women
as if we are trying to scratch an inner itch
that simply cannot be reached?
Why the self destructive behavior
the thanatos principle in plain view for all to see(?),
our world a place where death is both feared
and longed for,
perhaps thinking peace will be found in nothingness
a hope I feel unfounded.
Also many feel pursued by something,
an inner prompting
feared
as well as longed for,
afraid to respond for it seems to ask for a death of sorts
letting go of what is really destroying yet embraced,
like a drunk with his bottle
cradled in his sleeping arms.
Rest often eludes us,
our desires drain us of life,
we work ourselves to death for what we don't need
but are simply told,
like puppets manipulated by economy
perhaps the only true god after all,
or is it an idol,
the worst one of all?
Overwhelming at times
12.10.07 (10:24 am) [edit]It w
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It was rough last night, cleaning William,
he fought more than usual,
threatened in a colder voice
tried to spit and kick,
so I had to be a little more firm with him,;
how I hate doing that
knowing it is not his fault
he is just confused
yet it has to be done
though at times it seems overwhelming.
After wards I feel terrible
though I know I have done nothing wrong,
it is just the pain and confusion he goes through
that gets to me.
Luckily he does not remember after it is over
but I do.
Unpleasant (from my dougeaton blog)
12.10.07 (10:16 am) [edit]Oftentimes things have to be done that are very unpleasant,
causing emotional pain though nothing wrong is being done,
taking a role that one would rather not take
that perhaps no one else will do,
but it has to be done nonetheless,
sort of like being a parent to someone older;
I hate it,
yet I find myself in that position at times.
It seems that many forgo doing what needs to be done
not for the benefit of the one needing help
but in order to protect themselves from discomfort,
from the upheaval that can come from doing right in spite of it all.
A lot of good is not done for that reason,
understandable,
yet at times I feel contempt for that kind of thing,
perhaps it is just cowardly,
though I do understand
for I at times feel emotionally sick,
but how could I life with myself if it is left undone.
Managable
12.09.07 (4:56 am) [edit]
Manageable
Sometimes hell is really other people,
perhaps I am also a hell for those around me,
since I know that some would rather I be different,
more easily managed
just as I sometimes wish it of others,
manageable,
none of us are,
something I have not learned,
and I suffer for it at times,
wishing that others would do what I cannot
simply change,
so that my universe would be quieter
Bitter fruit
12.09.07 (3:48 am) [edit] | |
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Bitter fruit
I often react strongly when I perceive I am put into a box,
even if it fits I don’t like it much
and will become angry at its injustice,
not always knowing what I should do about it.
Perhaps it fits,
that is what I fight,
or is it an injustice towards me,
if so,
am I learning not to do it with others?
I am a very slow learner,
so hopefully I can spare other this indignity
if I can simply learn a simple lesson
to treat others as I would want to be treated,
and yes to be merciful towards those
who do it to me.
If not,
I will be the one,
who will reap bitter fruit.
I do need others (from my dougeaton blog)
12.08.07 (6:52 pm) [edit] | |
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I do need others
Life as a way of leading me
often down roads I would rather not go,
others I know often the catalyst for new directions
or perhaps insights gleaned,
though I would often rather not go there.
A word said in jest
or perhaps a look or gesture,
will often set me looking for the ‘why’ of it,
which leads to possible change
or perhaps a deeper understanding
of maybe myself
or of the one before me.
Discomfort comes with this often times,
something I would rather forestall or ignore,
yet if I did that
I suppose something even more uncomfortable would follow,
for not to listen is a form of death
slowly isolating and making life hard indeed.
Yes I do need others,
their laughter,
tears,
anger at times also,
it is the spice that makes life palatable.
The hardest task of all
12.08.07 (8:54 am) [edit]
The hardest task of all
I often wonder why I am at times
even though I know it is wrong;
yet I persist like someone picking a wound,
over and over again
in being unfair in my attitude towards others.
Self righteousness really at its root,
when they commit the same faults
or sins that I do,
more willing to look at them
than at myself.
Excuses for me,
condemnation for them,
the log in my eye
hidden by the splinter in theirs.
Perhaps it is a form of self contempt
thinking others better,
freer than me;
better able to change
they just don’t want to
therefore making my life uneasy.
So I switch it around
pretending for a time,
a lie of course,
that I am better,
using them to take the focus off myself,
a poor escape,
for how can one run from the reflection
thrown back?
Until the lesson learned
and the grace received
I will continue to ride this merry go round
for mercy will not allow me off
until love comes to fruition not only for others
but for myself,
the hardest task of all.
The appointment
12.07.07 (7:08 pm) [edit] | |
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The appointment
No matter what we are doing, or where we are at,
there is an element of inner waiting often not averted to,
as if something is moving towards us inexorably.
When young it was hardly noticed or thought about,
though it would be forced upon consciousness when someone’s time had come,
their number called and appointment time arrived,
causing a pause of sorts in our lives, but soon gone.
This waiting can be experienced in many ways,
some pleasant, others not, yet there always;
like an itch seeking our attention and perhaps contemplation,
though I suppose it is something not welcome most times.
The inner silence speaks to us in quiet whispers,
“listen to me, this is important”, yet often the voice ignored,
as the appointment moves forward a little closer
to its meeting point with us.
As the years fly by the voice harder to shut down,
for some fear grows, others a peace of sorts takes root,
many still able to ignore its gentle reminders,
to seek what they are really about, what they are for;
that life has deeper meanings than many suppose.
Some leave early, others late, very late,
yet when the moment comes and the meeting happens
it perhaps seems as if it was always so,
so fleeting the intervening years.
Laughter
12.06.07 (8:32 am) [edit] | |
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Laughter
I pretty much find humor everywhere, people, events, politics, faith;
all have their humorous side for there is much that can be laughed about,
not in cruelty, though humor can be used for that, or in mockery.
Yet for the most part, I believe humor has at its root in compassion,
for we tease, joke, and laugh together about our foibles, a humility of sorts,
being able to laugh at ourselves.
Carl Jung once said: “a person without a sense of humor should not be trusted,”
or something like that, for to be able to laugh with others, about oneself,
has to flow from a certain amount of self knowledge and self acceptance,
sadly lacking in those who cannot join in. There is a brittleness about them,
you have to be very careful what you say, or after saying something funny,
the will respond “what do you mean by that?” thereby making humor useless.
Laughter is truly a great gift, not something to be underrated, for we joke,
laugh with and at times tease those we care for and love. A person can say,
“Yes I am like that aren’t I, and laugh loudly and long”, each in the spotlight for a time,
an honor to be treated that way; if indeed humor is based on acceptance, compassion
and love.
We see ourselves in others, so it is better to be able to laugh than to scorn,
to become playful than to mourn, about what is actually quite funny if truth be told.
Comedians deal with the human condition, making a safe place where laughter,
yes about ourselves can flow, with strangers all looking to the stage, laughing
with tears running down their faces at just what we can all do. Sometimes looking
over at those around them to feel the kinship that comes with the relief of being able
to say, “Yes, we are like that”, but with a joyfulness and yes compassion.
Laughter
12.06.07 (8:30 am) [edit] | |
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Laughter
I pretty much find humor everywhere, people, events, politics, faith;
all have their humorous side for there is much that can be laughed about,
not in cruelty, though humor can be used for that, or in mockery.
Yet for the most part, I believe humor has at its root in compassion,
for we tease, joke, and laugh together about our foibles, a humility of sorts,
being able to laugh at ourselves.
Carl Jung once said: “a person without a sense of humor should not be trusted,”
or something like that, for to be able to laugh with others, about oneself,
has to flow from a certain amount of self knowledge and self acceptance,
sadly lacking in those who cannot join in. There is a brittleness about them,
you have to be very careful what you say, or after saying something funny,
the will respond “what do you mean by that?” thereby making humor useless.
Laughter is truly a great gift, not something to be underrated, for we joke,
laugh with and at times tease those we care for and love. A person can say,
“Yes I am like that aren’t I, and laugh loudly and long”, each in the spotlight for a time,
an honor to be treated that way; if indeed humor is based on acceptance, compassion
and love.
We see ourselves in others, so it is better to be able to laugh than to scorn,
to become playful than to mourn, about what is actually quite funny if truth be told.
Comedians deal with the human condition, making a safe place where laughter,
yes about ourselves can flow, with strangers all looking to the stage, laughing
with tears running down their faces at just what we can all do. Sometimes looking
over at those around them to feel the kinship that comes with the relief of being able
to say, “Yes, we are like that”, but with a joyfulness and yes compassion.
Reaching back
12.05.07 (7:47 am) [edit] | |
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Reach back
At times in all our lives
for reasons perhaps not known,
someone will approach us
afraid,
vulnerable,
their guard let down
perhaps for the first time,
or after many tries but courage lacking,
reaches out seeking something,
when that happens,
reach back
for in allowing ourselves to be loved
and simply being present
we become healers.
We all reach out at times
perhaps not knowing the reason
yet we approach others for friendship
or perhaps just for their company
and when they reach back
we to are healed.
The effect we have on others is hidden,
words have power greater than we know,
the smallest actions
their effect could last for a lifetime
so unknowingly we are all Christ to one another.
So develop compassion and empathy
for those in your life;
Allow clichés to drop,
let boxes to be opened,
see,
look,
and listen to the one before you
see yourself,
also see Christ.
Blessed cold
12.04.07 (12:29 pm) [edit] | |
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Well the cold has finally arrived, at least it is cold for Georgia,
in other parts it would be just mild, yet 30 degrees is nippy,
and I love it, the cold, I can breathe in it, and feel lots of energy,
my mood is often elevated in the clean crisp air filling my lungs.
We even had a bit of fall this year, another plus, and a surprise,
we are after all in a severe drought, the worst in a hundred years;
some leaves turned red, and some a golden orange color,
rare so very much appreciated and admired, yet most trees just brown.
Our Ginkgo's did not have their golden leaves, something I always love,
nor did the leaves fall quickly as they do in most years, many just dead,
stuck to the limbs, not going anywhere, until a big blast carries them away.
I will enjoy the winter months, mild, some freezing, hopefully no snow,
prefer the rain any day, the gently falling of drops, or the pounding,
dark clouds, love it all, so Georgia is a good place for me to live.
Yet another one
12.03.07 (4:39 pm) [edit] | |
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Well I am 59 today,
birthdays don't bother me
though I have never really celebrated them.
My friends like to at times and I go along,
for it is done out of love,
who can find anything wrong with that?
In some way I like the march of years,
so fast,
45, 51, 53 then behold 59,
getting old does not bother me
for I am different now than when I was 30,
I could not fit into the life of my self at that time,
at 70 will I look back and say the same for me now?
Perhaps, hopefully that will be so.
I know so little
and as the years go by
what I am ignorant of grows
until now I am content with trusting,
and as my faith struggles,
deepens,
broadens,
I am at peace with not knowing.
Yet the mystery draws near in grace,
I feel an inner melting,
a oneness that is pure gift from the beloved,
to me a wandering confused man
who even now does not know his right hand from his left,
who is still very much an immature child,
merely playing,
failing,
and starting again,
yet for the divine there is no beginning or end,
I have always been,
and will always be,
hopefully I will be in the eternal's love,
that we Christians know as Jesus
who reveals the love of the Father to us all.
One God,
one body,
where Christ is found in the least,
we are called to that to love all as Christ does,
to not judge
since I can't really judge myself,
well perhaps,
but only on the most superficial level.
For God we are all transparent.
So the years pass,
and I draw closer to the veil being lifted,
for the dark door to open
which I will enter,
if I will it or not.
Our separation
12.02.07 (9:15 am) [edit] | |
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Our separation
She was an old black woman, a grandmother in Africa,
her beautiful skin, black as coal, shining in the Sun,
wearing a beautiful blue robe that brought out her inner light.
Surrounded by her grandchildren she smilingly with pride
placed her hand on each head, naming them with tenderness,
their parent’s dead of Aids that is savaging her country;
a country of orphans, grandparents forced to be their parents,
once again in old age taking up the burden of being mothers and fathers.
“The children are starving” she said, you see the little one in my arms
is crying for food, which is too little to sustain them for long.
She looked up and smiled, laughing, slapping her head and said;
“I only wish to live long enough to pass on my wisdom”.
With that I got up and did some work, and excuse for the images were too much,
also her dignity in the face of her life and suffering, and that of her grandchildren,
literally overwhelmed me. I shut down, feeling bad about what I was doing,
yet it was more than I could handle, so I had to close down...
In the morning on the next day, during my time of prayer, her image flashed before me,
as clear as what I saw on the screen, her smile, her flock, and I took her into my arms
holding her gently, praying for her, wanting to comfort and heal, so I just prayed,
feeling her pressed against me, tightly, her head on my shoulder, a symbol perhaps,
of the suffering of mankind, Christ fleshed out seeking only to live and love her own.
Perhaps I was holding Christ, and it was Christ holding her, one, an illusion our separation,
perhaps in prayer we each become all, standing before Christ who is in all, one,
as Christ is one with the Father. There is much not understood, I see only the faintest glimmer,
the veil is thick, heavy; perhaps it is thinning for me? Or perhaps just another illusion?
Emilio
12.01.07 (6:35 pm) [edit] | |
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Emilio, is Cuban gentleman, in his younger days a teacher, and a philosopher, at least he is to me. He has a way of dealing with life that I respect and admire. He is organized to a fault, but not overly rigid, listens to his doctors and benefits from his not needing to constantly fight authority, which has helped him a great deal now that he is old. He is easy to talk to, listens, and observes, with a very good sense of humor about life. He shows grace and patience, in how his life is slowly becoming more circumspect and adapts cheerfully, and yes he is a man of great faith. Just by watching him, I have leaned how to approach life with the desire not only to understand, but also to adapt as my own years quickly pass by.
People fear old age, yet it is just another process that needs to be passed though, like being a child, an adolescent, middle age and then, yes, what many fear; old age. Working with the elderly has taught me that while it is true it can be very difficult, yet many pass though with great grace and aplomb, with joy and fellowship thrown in.
Thank you
12.01.07 (9:16 am) [edit] | |
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Thank you
Philip’s good days now outnumber the bad,
he is mostly mellow, smiling at everyone
calling each by different names throughout the day,
at times he even gets the names right,
though most of the time we carry some image of his past,
people that he loved now gone, yet for him they are still there.
At night his room is full, family members come in and visit,
perhaps it is a party, yet only he can see them.
Having animated conversations, laughing, pointing,
at times introducing some other invisible to another one,
once in awhile he draws me into the happy times,
wishing to share his family with me.
So I bow to the room, say hi, shake hands and smile,
asking his family how they are doing,
though I get no response.
However sometimes his room does feel full,
charged,
presences that perhaps are there, waiting,
for it is easy to see that he was loved.
He sleeps more now, and yes like us all he has his days,
yet even then his gentleness comes though,
and after the storm he smiles, as if he knows,
that we know, and all is forgiven, which it is:
really nothing to forgive.
Philip, long have you been with us, for you seem in no hurry,
you are welcome for as long as you wish to stay,
your calm smile and compassion that flows from your eyes
still has the power to heal and soothe,
well for me they do, and for that I am thankful.
Your gift is simply allowing us to serve you,
to be able to express our love and concern,
and the need to simply care,
for in caring we are drawn outside of ourselves,
perhaps that is when we draw near to God,
where happiness lies.
Yes your life has meaning,
each stage has its grace,
it teachings,
and you have taught me much.
Thank you