talking to myself

How is the infinite measured?
Can its depth be fathomed?
God’s yearning,
Longing,
Is it possible to understand,
Comprehend?

God’s love without conflict,
Open childlike in its purity,
Simply present to the eternal moment,
Seeking the beloved without urgency,
The pursuit steady unrelenting,
The passion fiery beyond human experience,
Hotter than the Sun, yet cooling ointment to the soul

Infinite love is other, of a different order,
Kindly it is not in its presentation,
Ruthless in bringing to fruition that which it seeks;
The desire for union with its creation in love.
Seeking response in like
From the one pursued.

Teasing, love draws us,
Embraces us then steps back
Playing hide and seek,
Leaving the beloved to search in mourning,
Drawing the soul deeper into the darkness,
Into the unending mystery
Of loves being.

In the depths of the human heart
Rest a light so pure,
So bright and ravishing in its beauty,
Hidden from view with good reason,
Lest we be tempted if seen
To fall down in worship the beloved of God.

Whatever you do to the least you do unto me says Christ.
Truly those whom we hate, or despise, ignore, or feel contempt,
Those put on the fringes
Is where the mystery rest.
Are we not all there in someone’s eyes?

Hatred of another human in which the light is hidden,
Is an act of blasphemy.
Rejecting the one loved with infinite care,
A being made for union with God,
Born in God’s mind from eternity
To eternal relationship called.

Rejection of others
Is hatred of self.
An act of self creation based on ignorance,
Leading to isolation, self imposed by demonic pride;
The coldness of eternal separation
Of the love that pursues us.

The flow of life runs at times rapidly,
Years speeding by faster than the wind,
Embracing each other tightly like frightened lovers,
Just holding on for fear of the ending of the moment.

Past events sometimes seem like yesterday
The power of their memory like a wound opened, and bleeding,
Of others filled with longing for things past,
The desire for simpler times,
Knowing all the while the illusion of it all.

Or simply thankful that the past horrors are over,
If still haunted by their effects,
Who like slave drivers still whips us with their memory

At times the rapidity of life is a comfort
Knowing that one day rest will come and perhaps light.
Also fear can be present that all can be lost in an instant
As if we never existed at all.
Becoming a vague memory, mist-like without substance,
For those left behind

“Markey” William yelled at me “Please let me go up to my room”.  I looked at him, trying not to show my frustration, and began yet another dialogue about his whereabouts.    “William”, I said, “This is your home, you have been here for quite awhile, there is nowhere else for you to go”.  He responded, “I know where I am, let me out”, he shouted even louder.  I have had this kind of conversation with William over and over again for quite awhile now; they are just becoming more common.  After a few tries, I took him to the window, and showed him the scenery outside, and asked him if this looked like the place he thought he was at.  He responded “no”, and got that thoughtful look that told me that I was making some headway.  He finally bowed his head, looked at me and said he was sorry.  After letting him know that it is not his fault, he went to bed, and after I gave him his meds he went right to sleep.  Peaceful thank God for the rest of the night. 

I try to put myself in his place.  For instance, I know my age, I am 57 almost 58, I know where I am living, in the state of Georgia, and also the date and year.  So what if someone came up to me and told me that all this was wrong.  What if someone came to me, now while writing at this computer, and told me I had to go to bed, take my meds, and telling me that all the above is wrong.  What if I was told I am really 88, the year is not 2006, but 2036, that I am in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s, and not in Georgia anymore, but some other state; how would I react?  Yes I would react just like William or perhaps something worse if I could not be reasoned with.  Now just think if that happened every day, or perhaps even hourly?   Reliving that over and over again, with the only mercy being, it is experienced as the first time, each time it is lived out.  To be in a world where everyone in it has a different idea than I do about who I am, where I am; and what if I really don’t remember most of the people who are trying to help me.  I really don’t know if William knows who I am some of the time, and I fear that it will only get worse as time moves on.  I guess when his disease moves on, and he no longer remembers, it will perhaps be a mercy.   We try to enter into his world as much as we can, to go along with him in what he believes is the time line he is in, but that is not always possible unfortunately.  Of course the day will come when it will not matter, it will be impossible to reach him, at least on a verbal rational level.  There is still music, and also prayer which always seems possible, no matter how far the disease goes.  At least that is my experience, which is limited of course. 

When I say prayer, I think of Leo.  When I pray the Our Father with him, or the Hail Mary, he prays with me, in cadence only, but he remembers the rhythm and the meaning of the prayer, for he closes his eyes and seems to be centered, and quiet, while the prayer is going on; he is touched on a deep level that brings him peace.  Both Leo and William are devout, so prayer has always had an important part of their inner lives.  For William who belonged to a Jazz band, music also works.

William is also loosing weight, though he still eats without having to be prompted.  His main love is chocolate and coca cola, something that has developed over the last few years.  Hopefully as time moves on he will allow us to give him more milkshakes, which could keep his weight up.    His family has told me that in years past he was not much on sweets, so it is a new development, at least for them.

So time moves on, I am glad that I can accompany both William and Leo on this their final stage of life, hopefully like the others who take care of him we can make some small difference for them.  We have a very good crew here who all care deeply for the patients they are caring for.  It is a blessing to be able to do this, and also humbling, since I know that in their position I would probably not do as well.