It swallows our despair
01.31.06 (5:24 pm) [edit]
Sufferings build up as life moves on
Others pain as well as our own
If despair is the fruit of this knowledge
All we can do is take care of our own
Those around us who can be helped
Acts of kindness for those we see
Empathy and love the healing balm
Is infinite in our hearts
If channels of God’s love we become
If not channels bitterness is the fruit
Others become a burden
If we think only we can help and none else
God with us means just that
God is one with our inner most being
Experiencing what we experience
We suffer one at a time
One moment at a time
Finite in its duration
God feels all suffering
Throughout time
Nothing lost in His loving gaze
God is other,
Unknown except in our love
Love is the image that we are made in
The pain of God’s love
Leads to compassion not bitterness
To empathy not anger and regret
Answers are easy
To live the mystery most difficult
The greatest act of faith
Life is hard
Life is unfair
Embrace it in God’s love and joy
Despair benefits no one
Faith and love
Is open to all
Understanding comes only in abandonment
The mystery deep
But understood only in love
Love is stronger than death
Deeper than our pain
It swallows our despair
Guy Consolmagno of the Vatican Observatory waxes poetic about the nature of the universe and God.
01.31.06 (5:36 am) [edit]
Guy Consolmagno of the Vatican Observatory waxes poetic about the nature of the universe and God.
While some pit science against faith, a Vatican astronomer contends that science is, in fact, a very Christian pursuit, but that it alone cannot answer all of life's big questions.
Guy Consolmagno of the Vatican Observatory visited the University of Alberta campus on Wednesday to speak about the challenges of reconciling the scientific evidence that predicts a gloomy end to the universe with God's love of the world and the immortality of the soul.
Consolmagno explained the evidence for the Big Bang theory, which is generally accepted as the cause of the universe's creation, to a capacity crowd in the Education Building. The theory generally conceptualizes a universe that began, 10-20 billion years ago from a single point of extremely compressed matter and space that expanded outward. The theory also explains present scientific evidence of an expanding universe, which is being pushed apart by 'dark energy' at an ever-quickening pace.
"Not only does the Big Bang give us an idea of the beginning of the universe, but an ultimate fate," said Consolmagno.
It is hard to say precisely what the universe's end will look like, he added, but "either it will end with a bang, or it'll end with a whimper."
What's more, the Laws of Thermodynamics predict a sudden "heat death" of the universe, when all stars have died and an ever-expanding empty universe fills with expanding radiation.
While the universe may be slated for destruction billions of years from now, Consolmagno doesn't believe this suggests the physical world lacks eternal meaning. Physics cannot explain a great deal about nature, including the existence of the soul, and the world's splendour, he noted.
Van Gogh's work Starry Night is such an example, said Consolmagno.
"I can scientifically tell you all sorts of interesting scientific facts about every dab of paint in the painting. I can tell you the chemicals present, I can tell you why it reflects light in those particular colours, I can measure the wavelengths. Science isn't going to tell you why this is a gorgeous painting," he said.
"That requires the human intellect to interpret those dabs of paint and say, 'Those are stars, this is Van Gogh.' And Van Gogh's paintings are not photographs, it's up to us to take those dabs of colours, those bits of paint, and add our own imagination to complete the picture. In that way, the picture and the painter enter into our soul."
He emphasized that paradoxes exist in the physical world, and that while reconciling God and the universe's end in a single theory cannot be easily done, it doesn't negate the idea of eternal physical life, as indicated in the Bible.
"The best we can do is to speak in poetry. The best we can do is to talk about paradoxes of body that are, at the same time, the same but different from the bodies that we know now," he said.
"It is a paradox, but that doesn't mean that it's unreal, or even unfamiliar. We can understand that, in some sense, the centre of human identity - call it if you want the soul - can maintain a hypothetical existence even in the absence of a particular physical manifestation, in the same way that the idea of a song or a poem can live on even after every copy of it has been destroyed."
While some argue that there's a divide between science and religion, and that good Christians shouldn't pursue science, Consolmagno argues that contemplating the big questions is an inherently Christian activity, since "God loves the world."
"God made this universe, and made us a part of it, and what's more, Christianity says that God so loved the world that he actually incarnated himself into it to become a part of it. If nothing else, that means that this physical world means something to this God. And that's one reason why doing science is a Christian thing to do."
He added that it's also a Jewish and an Islamic thing to do. "Any book that believes in the creation of the universe by a good God is what gives you the motivation to do science."
Source: University of Alberta (By Caitlin Crawshaw)
This news is brought to you by PhysOrg.com
The Sun
01.31.06 (2:56 am) [edit]The fiery orb
alive with explosions vast,
flames leaping miles into space,
deadly in its heat,
yet for us warmth,
life,
growth.....
our only defense
against the cold death,
that in the end
no matter how far away,
awaits our only home
Baby sitting and food
01.30.06 (6:11 pm) [edit]
We had vegetarian pizza last night, one had olives and cheese, the other an assortment of items, pineapple being one of them. I guess I like pineapple, but it is one of those foods, like ice cream, that I like but would not walk across the street for…….however…….since it was on pizza I dug in anyway. Pizzas, pizza, pizza, love it almost as much as sushi. I also love it, much to the disgust of some of my friends, cold the next morning with lots of hot very sweet tea to accompany it; what a treat!
I also love dill pickles with cheddar cheese, well with any kind of cheese actually. When I was in my early teens, I and my brothers used to baby sit. Having so many younger siblings made us good at taking care of little ones, why I even washed out diapers (cloth ones were used during the dark ages) in the toilet, which was a highly desired skill. Well I was at the Clark’s house, one of my favorite places to baby sit, they had lots of soda, comics (something I was addicted to at that young age), and three children that were actually fun to take care of. One night as I was looking thru the fridge, I noticed a large wedge of cheddar cheese, and some Velveeta also, and next to it was a large jar of Kosher Pickles (!), well I made short order of em, down they went. The next day the Clark’s called me up and asked if I ate all the cheese and pickles, and I said yes, sorry about that, but it was one of my favorite food groups, Mrs Clark said “ok” laughed and hung up. So I thought, well they will not have me back, and forgot all about it. They called the next weekend and asked me to stay with their children for the three days, since they had to go to some kind of conference. So I said ok, good money, at least for some one as young as me. I arrived they filled me in, and the last thing they did was walk me to the fridge and showed me a special section they put aside for me. Yep, lots of cheddar, Velveeta, and other cheeses with two jars of Kosher Dill’s just waiting for me to feast upon. Mrs Clark then started laughing, and could not stop, and finally after she got her breathe told me that when she is pregnant she craved cheese and dill’s. Well I assured her that I was not pregnant, and that caused her to laugh some more. I figured I best not tell her about how much I like fried chicken dipped in chocolate. Hey I just love the juxtaposition of flavors that is all, besides lots of people like foods like that.
Now if the Clark’s were great to work with, others were jobs from hell. I remember one night being called to see if would sit for some new clients. I knew them, so said ok, be glad to. When I arrived I first noticed that the house was bare, no TV (!), just one chair and a couch in the living room, and to top it of when I left and went to the fridge, there was only bread and ice water in it! Well I knew that some jobs were better than others, so got my book, something I always took with me just in case, and started reading. A little latter I played some cards with the boy, nice kid, wondered for second if he was really related to the employers from hell. About 10 PM after I put the boy to bed, we played “go fish”, and he won, never was good at cards, but he was only 5 years old! Well I was reading, and felt something crawling inside my shirt, so after a little dance around the room, it dropped out, a big palmetto bug, a juicy black one. Now me and those critters don’t get along, and in Panama if not kept under control could take over a house; you got it, they did not control them and were over run…… why was I not surprised. I looked around and the walls were crawling with them, many were on the floor. I guess after we stopped playing cards, and I was reading, things got quiet enough for them to come out. So with full intent of the will, and I guess a way to strike back at my employers from the dark side; I started too calmly, with wrapped news paper in hand, to start whacking these interlopers. Whack, whack, whackity whack till about 2 AM, I made my rounds. Then I calmly got a broom and swept them up into a nice neat pile in the middle of the room. Soon after that ‘they’ came home. When they came in the front door, they stopped and saw this two foot pile of palmettos in their path. I acted as if nothing was there, gave them a report sans the bugs, got paid and left. For some reason they never called me back. Rejection is so hard to take heh heh heh.
One thing, in Panama at least in the very early 50's, insect control in the home was very important, if not taken seriously you really got overun big time.
I have some more experiences with baby sitting and may write about them a little later.
The water fall
01.30.06 (5:40 am) [edit]
The waterfall roared
Like the challenge of a lion;
The mist caressed my skin,
Embracing me with its coolness…..
The air invigorating
Filled with energy,
Making me feel young, and alive,
Wanting to simply yell,
To laugh like a child,
Doing cartwheels for the fun of it.
Ahhhh the child like spirit…..
Spontaneous in its simplicity
Ready to appear unselfconscious
At the beauty that life affords us.
A gift handed us…..
All we need do
Is see
Accept
And embrace the moment.
Reaching out
01.29.06 (11:57 am) [edit]Yesterday, a friend called me on my cell phone asking me if I could see her for a few minutes, she seemed distressed, so I said that I could see her in 30 minutes in one of our counseling rooms. Her name is Dot (a nickname), and I have been friends with her for about 4 years now, and over that time I have come to respect her very much. She is a very intelligent women, two years younger than me, a grandmother, and also a good writer. She is a very gentle woman, very feminine in the best sense of the word, very easy to talk too and also a good listener. Women to that for me, when with them I seem able to talk on a deeper level, with men it is mostly something we do together, go out, sports etc., but real talking is something hard for me to do. Perhaps Carl Jung is right, women reflect back to us our souls, men on the other hand reflect back our “bull shit”…..joking I think.
So I got over to see her, and I saw at once that she was very upset about something, or perhaps afraid. So we went into one of the counseling rooms and she filled me in on what was bothering her. She has asthma, and it seems to be getting worse, which is a major cause of concern for her. It seems that the day before she had a very bad day, with an asthma attack that forced her to call 911, luckily the fire department got there within 5 minutes and was able to give her immediate help; soon after the ambulance came and rushed her to a nearby hospital. She was lucky that she was able to go home that night. Last time she had an attack she was in the hospital for three days, which is not very pleasant, she hates them.
It is her fear, being alone, with no one near when an attack comes. She felt embarrassed about talking to me about it, calling herself a wimp, but she could not help it. As we talked I shared with her that I also have lung problems, and while my lungs are in better shape than hers, I know what it is like to feel like you can’t get enough air into your lungs. When that happens a cycle of anxiety and fear start which makes the condition worse, and it continues to spiral. For me, since I know that my lungs are not going to shut down, I can for the most part break the cycle and it does not get worse. With her it is a different manner, she has had some bad attacks, so her panic or fear is legitimate and she should be thankful that she has it. Otherwise she would not have called 911. While her emotional response makes the attack worse, even without this reaction it could still be life threatening for her.
Over the years she has told me some about her past, and let me say, that she is anything but a wimp. She has been thru some horrendous experiences; experiences that would have probably broken me, shattered my ego, but she came thru strong and intact, a very gentle kind person. No bitterness with her, just a very kind empathic nature that everyone loves. So I told her that she was not weak, to get over it, she did the right thing.
I made her promise that she would call me if she felt an attack coming one, and if need be I would drive her to the hospital; just use some common sense and don’t wait too long, since for her it could be life threatening. She is also going to get a couple of other people that she can call, that way one would most likely be available if she needed help. Her family lives a couple of hours away, so they are not much help in an extreme emergency.
I think as we get older, we all need more help, and I am glad that she is able to reach out, if not to me to someone else. Men tend not to reach out, I know that I still have trouble doing that, perhaps it is denial for me, but I can be really stoooopid (ibid) about it. Perhaps that is one reason that women live longer than men, they just use more common sense in listening to what their bodies tell them. Over the years I have learned to ignore pain, good most of the time, but there could be a time when it would be very bad, hopefully when the time comes I will know the difference…&hellip ;….yeah stoooopid!!!
The gifted moment
01.29.06 (2:15 am) [edit]The music starts.
Simply seen
01.28.06 (1:16 pm) [edit]People open
Like flowers to the sunlight
When not judged
But are simply seen
Listened to
The flow of communion
Finds no blockage
And the heart comes alive
To know oneself
Limits our judgments
Heals rigidity
Since our struggles
Unique though they are
Bring forth compassion
And healing empathy
For the one seeking to be seen
To cry out
01.27.06 (7:48 pm) [edit]I find some days weary
were bleakness is all I see
were people seem separate,
alien,
other,
and making a connection
is beyond what I can do
or desire.
The inner fire seems to go out
no energy to give or to love;
it is then I cry out
for the fire hidden to return,
to again become a channel
of the grace,
and love,
and gentleness,
of God's love.
It is only in emptiness
that I can cry out to be filled,
and only in pain to discover my wounds,
in need of of the slow healing
that seems HIS way.
Not ready to go
01.27.06 (6:08 am) [edit]Was just getting ready to go for my doctor’s visit yesterday, when I got a call from the head nurse that Edmund might be dying, so I cancelled my appointment and went in to see how he was coming along. When I arrived, his blood pressure was very low, 55/46 so it was no wonder he was unresponsive. He was also showing signs of apnea, breathing for about 15 seconds and then stopping for almost a minute. Edmund has been with us for about 7 years, and his decline has been slow but sure during that interval, though his spirits have always remained high most of the time. We called a priest for him, and he was anointed, and after that, about all that could be done is to wait and see. From past experience we have learned not to be too hasty to announce that someone is definitely dying, since rallies are very common. So I stayed for awhile and prayed with him, holding his hand, just waiting. Slowly his apnea got better, he started to breathe for 30 seconds and stop for the same amount of time, and then suddenly he was ok, got up and went to the bathroom. He is still a little groggy, and this could be a sign that the end is near, only time will tell.
We know not to do anything for him that would extend his life, since he is DNR, but I am glad that he is back for awhile. I have leaned a great deal from him, he has a way of coming out with some pretty wise sayings, some of which have really changed my life. I remember one day about three years ago, I was joking with him and saying that he does not seem to be in any hurry to go to heaven. He looked at me and said “ we are here for such a short time that we should hang on as long as possible ”. I suppose it was the timing, but I was floored by what he said, and it has made me reevaluate many things, not only about my life, but my attitude towards it. Here was a man not afraid of death, but also someone who was in love with life, and who understood how fleeting our lives are no matter how long we live.
Working with the elderly has it perks, and the wisdom that many of them have is one of them. Also age is really only skin deep, we are all young inside, I reckon about 18 years or so. Not in an immature way, but in the soul is young sort of way. I suppose we are just starting out here, this world is a womb that we have to be born out of into a larger world, one that can accommodate the soul that has outgrown its need to be here.
Infatuation
01.26.06 (5:27 pm) [edit]The man and woman sat
silent
ignoring the throng
just looking
admiring the other
unselfconscious of those around them.
The joy sweet
happy perhaps for the first time
reveling in being seen
loved
accepted
to bad it will not last
to earth we must all return
the plateau long
the journey hard
were love is tested
pushed to it limits
beyond infatuation
Just writing
01.26.06 (6:25 am) [edit]Writing for me is an adventure. On my last post I started off with a simple trip to the VA hospital, and then it ended up in a rant of some sort. When I sit down to write sometimes I really don’t know what is going to come out, in fact sometimes emotions arise that were somewhat hidden until I started down the path of writing a particular piece. It seems that as I, and I guess as others write, the mind starts to bring in other parts of the puzzle that makes us all up, and tries to make some sense of the inner chaos that is often how I experience myself. Writing is starting to become a sort of mediation exercise for me, allowing me to find some rest, after what I guess I need to express is out there.
I can remember how it was with the family when I was a young boy. There were many of us (4 girls and 6 boys), and being a talkative and loud tribe, we each had to think fast in order to throw back a good come back, or else to simply back up some point trying to be communicated; to slow down was to be lost in the tide of give and take. Friends used to come over to meet the family and later told me that they could not follow most of what we were talking about, since it was done with such rapidity. I suppose this is a common experience with those from a large family. As I get older though this can become a liability, since when talking with others, this kind of “family speak” can be a hindrance to actual communication. To really listen, especially to someone I don’t know that well, can only be accomplished by me if I slow way down and don’t try to think ahead of the one communicating with me. So writing is helping me do that, I have to slow down a little when I am writing, also go over what I typed before I send it, this is helping me to do that when I am speaking to others.
Like I said above, my family is a loud boisterous group, who likes being in each others company, and we tend to get closer as we age, being separated by large distances actually might help; we don’t take each other for granted. It is funny that when we get together we again act like teenagers with each other, it can be a lot of fun, but sometimes the old arguments come up, which can be fun also, at least most of the time. Oh well ya’all know what families are like.
Like this post, I had no idea what I was gong to write about, I just started and this came up. I like it actually, though perhaps for some it can be boring reading. In any case I am thankful that I started to write late in life. Perhaps if I started when younger I would have nothing to write about.
Convoluted
01.25.06 (7:55 pm) [edit]Convoluted
Drove an older friend of mine to the Veterans Hospital today to get fully integrated into their system, and since it is a very large hospital, with lots of activity, I took along a book to keep myself occupied with the long wait, which is usually the case. When you first go to the VA hospital, and do not know the actual layout of the building, it can be quite bewildering to say the least. The first floor is a warren of hallways, filled with people and signs everywhere; pointing in every direction, to whatever department is being looked for, with the throng intent on carrying out their mission as quickly as possible and going on their way.
Ken had to go up to the 10th floor, which takes care of the Bronze group that is designated for those 75 or older age group. It was for the most part quiet, and the first thing we were told is that Ken has to have a VA card, something he did not have, since it was his first visit. After the receptionist understood his status, she informed us that after our seeing the doctor, Ken needed to get his VA card on his way out. Or to put it more succinctly; get his picture taken, and it will be mailed to him.
The wait was not as long as I thought it would be, and after the initial visit with the nurse for his medical history, we were ushered into another office to await the doctor. The doctor was a very comely looking woman from India, with a very beautiful accent that those familiar with it will agree. The first thing she asked Ken, was if it was alright for me to be present in the room with him, while she asked him the questions needed to get him enrolled. After he gave his permission for me to stay, she began a very rigorous question and answers period, which covered just about everything that could be asked of Ken’s history. She also went over his medication list and again asked many questions about that also. I suppose more time was spent on his medications than on any thing else, very complicated.
She gave him some test, which revealed that he may be having some memory problems, since he failed the “three items” test, which she asked him 5 minutes prior to remember. He did not get one item after the initial 5 minutes were over, correctly. She told him that he could take further test to see if he needed to take come medication to forestall further memory loss, or to simply start taking Aricept, a medication created for that purpose. He said that he would be willing to start the medication right away if necessary. Later it came to their attention after even more test that he may be suffering from some low grade depression and they put him on something for that, and then told him to wait before taking the Aricept, since depression can also cause some memory problems. So we are going to go back together in two months to see how the anti-depressant medication is working.
On the way out Ken seemed at peace with it all, glad that he was getting some help for a possible problem that he may have. He is a quiet man, introverted and while not withdrawn keeps a great deal to himself, but opens up when he is on a trip; a very pleasant man to be with. I took him to “cracker barrel” for brunch, he loves to eat out, especially if someone else is footing the bill……&hell ip;..I don’t mind, since he is really good company.
All in all I am impressed with the VA system, and find that most of the people that I find working there dedicated to their jobs, and really want to help those who come to them for assistance. The doctor told me that they try to be as through as possible, since it keeps them from having further problems in the future. The work load is unbelievable for them, since the Viet Nam vets are starting to come to the hospital in droves on a regular basis, also many veterans from the Gulf War, and also those who have been to Iraq whose numbers are also increasing.
I have a niece that just came back from Iraq, she was over there for almost two years with a medical unit, and she saw some things that have changed her drastically, creating problems that she is trying to deal with. One day she was at a check point, when a Muslim mother, with three children, began approaching a check point. The soldiers ordered them to stop in three languages, but they continued coming. After repeated efforts to get the family to stop, some of the pleas according to my niece were made in tears, for the men did not want to fire, really being children themselves, they were only in their late teens. Well in the end they had to open fire on the family, and the children were killed right off, while the mother died in my niece’s arms shortly afterwards. The whole family was wired with explosives, and in the end everyone lost. The young men were devastated with what they had to do, and my niece was crushed in spirit as the women died in her arms. This war like all wars is a living hell for all those involved, and the lives of those young men as well as my niece will be forever scared by this event. Also the loved ones of the women and her children, who were killed in this one tiny event, in an increasingly bloody war, with no end in sight….. this could on for many years to come. War never did work really, you would think being a so called rational species we would have worked this out long ago; from the looks of it we may never work it out.
I feel for the people who live in that part of the world; I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like for them, to see so much killing and destruction on a regular basis. The vast majority just wants to live life in peace, but it seems that it is denied them. The women, her children and the soldiers are all victims caught in the spider web of war that is being conducted by men on both sides who almost never get their hands dirty or put their lives at risk, nothing new, this has always been the way for the most part. My prayers are for all of them, not just for “my” side, since underneath the different color skin, religion and clothing we are all in fact brothers and sister, who hopefully will one day learn to simply love one another. I can’t rail against my government or against those who are fighting us, it is all so convoluted, subjective and in the end just plain shit. I wish I could rage against one side or the other but that consolation is denied me.
I am not bitter, but the collective wound of war has an effect on all of us, even if not felt or understood directly; for like an undetected cancer it is doing its work. The cure is up to us, but how to do it is beyond me at this time, it seems on one level we know what to do to stop it all, but on the emotional, racial, national level we are lost. Too many walls that have to come down first, walls that in end are illusions, but there none the less and real, because many of us still believe in them, hence their power to influence and control us.
One of my main problems is that I am a political moron; I can’t seem to get my brain wrapped around it. I suppose I tend to think that politicians, both Republican and Democrat, are corrupt, whose only interest is to build up their power base, and are not interested in truth, or for that matter, in what is really best for the country. Everyone has an agenda, their agenda, and their parties’ agenda, comes first…… but I feel the welfare of the country is second or even further down on their list. I suppose our form of government, were the three branches constantly jealously watch each other, works because it is based on the worst of human nature, it leaves nothing to chance. In all the infighting perhaps a balance is kept, were each is kept down by the watch dog approach of the other two branches. The President, the senate and congress do these dances were all they do is circle and watch what the other is doing. I suppose that is why when I vote I vote for which I think is the lesser of two evils.
I feel that if the Democrats won the election we would still be over in Iraq, and it would be the Republicans throwing the rocks at Kerry’s glass house. Of course what do I know, I really am a moron on political issues. Liberal, conservative, left, right, moderate; these are just labels to box and shelve one another, that way no one has to listen, we just become talking heads talking to the air, or only to those who agree with us, what possible good that does I have no idea.
Perhaps the politicians are also caught up in this spider web we have created and simply can’t get out. I guess their must be some politicians who are not compromised but if that is true they must be in the extreme minority.
.
Eternity alone
01.25.06 (9:29 am) [edit]People Seek
01.24.06 (6:09 pm) [edit]People seek
But faith is hard
Not in God necessarily
But in the simple fact of goodness
Of the ability of others to love
For the faith that they are themselves lovable
Faith grows when chances are taken
Some kind of leap has to be made
Self imposed barriers
Walls
Moats
Have to be let go of
Easier to give in
Give up
Despair
No disappointment
No growth
Just safe imprisonment
Better to suffer pain
Abandonment
Fighting the pretension
That false veneer
Of not caring
When in fact the heart is breaking
Run the race
Or crawl
Limp
But just keep hoping
For people are good
And capable of love
We mirror each other
Reflection upon reflection
Each seeking the dream
Of being seen
Accepted
And simply loved
Rite of passage
01.23.06 (10:53 am) [edit]As I contemplate my childhood, and the growing phases I seemed to have gone thru; there are some aspects of my undeveloped personality, that to this day cause me some sorrow when I revisit that time, and relive some of the antics that I participated in and even enjoyed.
It seems that I started off as being a creature that was unselfconsciously cruel in many ways and from my limited experience was not much different from the other boys that grew up with me. I suppose killing other life forms was “fun”, for instance we used to get those GI Joe toy soldiers and light them, then go to some ant nest and then blitz them with the hot plastic, cheering when we hit a target, not even considering that we might be causing unnecessary pain and terror on the denizens of the colony. I remember one incident that I still revisit that causes me real pain, a pain that seems grow as I understand what we did to such a gentle creature. One day in the jungles of Panama a group of us boys, we were between the ages 10-12, came upon a sloth moving slowly towards a tree, we immediately started teasing it, poking it, and having a great time, egging each other on. It then escalated to us getting clubs, or large branches and beating it, and all the creature could do was to slowly move away towards a tree, which it did not make. We beat it to death and after it was over, we thought we did a great thing, we whooped like cave men and then laughing we ran off. So much for children being innocent; well we were innocent of the pain that we caused a helpless and gentle creature, which harmed no one.
I also hunted for awhile, and liked it. The man I hunted with was a nice man, but he was just into killing things. So one day we went out and we saw a group of monkeys, howler monkeys to be exact. He gave me his 22 and told me to shoot one of the monkeys; so I got the gun and tried, and go one, it fell to the ground and when I ran over to it, the first thing I saw was the monkey laying on the ground trying to put leaves in its stomach wound. The sight stopped me in my tracks, as I witnessed a poor suffering animal trying to close its wound, being able to think on what needed to be done. The man I was with just walk over and shot it in the head, and told me I did a good job. Funny I did not feel like it.
I started to change after that event; I stopped hunting, and begin to feel some regret over the cruelty and pain that I had visited upon innocent creatures. I noticed also that most of my friends of the same age going thru the same process, more or less, and the cruelty stopped, at least on that level. I don’t know why little boys go thru this stage of growth when they are little. Perhaps it is necessary, that in going thru this, some degree of empathy is developed when it is learned that great suffering, useless suffering, was visited on poor defenseless creatures who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Today as I get older, I even hate stepping on insects, even roaches if they are not overtaking my home, I suppose I am beginning to understand the richness of life, and how precious it is, no matter how small the creature is. I am not being sentimental here, I know there are times when we have to protect our homes from being overrun by both insects and rats, mice etc, it is just killing for the sake of it that I am learning to foreswear.
I remember one day when I was 14, a man who lived next door, I guess he was in his early 40’s, approached me with a proposition. He would pay me $5, a lot of money in the very early 60’s for a teenager....if I would capture two neighborhood cats, tie their tails together, and then throw them over a clothes line....My reaction was immediate; I yelled at him “are you nuts, what the hell is the matter with you” and stormed off, filled with a vague form of fear, based on the fact that adults existed that seemed to have remained like 10 year olds when it came to their relationship with the life around them, was very disquieting, hence the fear; some people could not be trusted….how many (?), I had no way of knowing. I guess that was a rite’s of passage for me, for I never looked on adults the same again after that. He never approached me again and I gave him a wide berth.
I think we are a violent species and it will take a lot of growth, insight, and fore sight to be able to deal with this. I suppose in the far past we needed to be hard, even cruel in order to survive, but I think that time is over, and hopefully we can slowly climb with God’s help to a way of being in the world that is not so aggressive and destructive, not only towards the world, but also towards our neighbors and in the way we relate with ourselves.
I am not naïve, this is a slow process, it is with me at least. I struggle with my deeply primitive side, and it takes self awareness to be able to stay on top of it, something I also struggle with.
One point, I hope we will at least find a way to treat those animals we use as food in a more humane manner, something that is also growing on me. How we treat animals will also dictate how we treat one another, it is all one.
Laughter
01.22.06 (4:13 pm) [edit]A sense humor
Is something good to have,
Since the best of us
Can be weird from time to time…..
Some are that way always.
We are all like it or not
A source of humor
For those around us,
Sometimes loved for that very reason….
We should also join with aplomb,
In the mirth and laughter
That we can cause unawares…..
Some are a tad weird,
While others are a lot,
Some so much so
That they cannot be measured
Or put into a category.
Yes a sense of humor
Is a great thing
Helpful for the one laughing
And the one being laughed at
If done with affection and understanding
Of our human condition
The inner war
01.22.06 (10:11 am) [edit]Evil dwells within the heart
Deep clinging
Hungry for our assent…..
Goodness lives with the heart
Deeply present
Wanting to share it fullness
Evil devours what it desires
Controls
Beats down
Manipulates
Goodness gives of its fullness
Allows us to be free
Builds up
Lets us choose
Evil is restless in its misery
Seeking a place to rest
Bringing chaos in its wake
To the heart that embraces it fully
Goodness is at peace in its simplicity
Rest is its closest companion
Bringing insight and order
To the heart that seeks
Evil jeers
You are no good
A failure
Give up
Goodness encourages
You are loved
Cherished
So fly!
The old man
01.21.06 (8:11 pm) [edit]The man was old
Bent with age and worry
Wandering without a home;
Unnoticed by those who pass him by.
A man of wisdom,
Of knowledge,
With much to share,
Insights to pass on….
He is ignored,
Laughed at;
Derided by fools
Who have no wisdom,
Or knowledge,
To pass on or share,
Their insight shallow
Not pertaining to life…..
He knows that times change
That he from another time,
But he sees things
Knowing what is coming,
By the lack of foresight
Of those around him…..
Who only live for today
Thinking they are eternal
He was once young
And foolish like them
Thinking he would never grow old,
Or out of touch…..
It just seemed like a day ago
That he was young,
And laughed
At those older and wiser…..
The wheel turns
The same mistakes made
Without its lessons learned,
Or passed on to those who come after,
Who are blind to their own conceit,
That they are wiser,
Better more learned
Than those who came before…..
Love starts
01.21.06 (5:30 am) [edit]Love starts with a roar,
The other a god or goddess;
With light shinning,
The others face aglow,
All they do or say is witty
Profound in it profundity….
Body magnetic
Pulling each toward the other
With children being the fruit
Of the mating dance
Beyond their control
Real love survives
When infatuation dies
The beloved is seen for whom
And what they are……
The other not a god or a goddess,
But the one loved.
Flawed both in body and soul
Still embraced, held, treasured.
The tenderness deeper
It its gentleness,
That even passion cannot hide
The Man and Woman with the sign
01.20.06 (7:13 pm) [edit]When to help, and when not to help (?) is the question. Something that many ponder over, I know that I certainly do. I have a friend who works in a food bank, and she is very dictated to feeding the poor, and she spends much of her time in not only handing out food, but also in looking for places that will donate. She works with her husband who is now retired, and they both give their all in this ministry.
One day she came to me and complained that some of the people who come for food, after they leave, sell it either for alcohol, or drugs, and it was making her rethink if she really wanted to “waste” her time doing this. So we talked about it, and one thing I brought us is some of the people who come out are users, they will simply take advantage of the system, and really there is not much that can be done about it. That is how some people survive, and miserable their lives must truly be. As we talked she came to the conclusion that she just needed to do what she feels called to, and give out the food, not being attached to how “some”, the “few”, will abuse the system or take advantage of her and her husband.
If I decide to help someone, there is always the chance that I will be used, but even then the people are helped in some ways. If I only helped those who deserved it, who were in no way responsible for their plight, then I guess I would not be able to help most people. I know for a fact that the great majority of my problems are self inflicted, and I need help sometimes because of them. Mercy is not mercy if the one receiving, has to somehow “prove” that they truly deserve help, since the criteria used may make it impossible for most to pass the test.
In Atlanta there are many men and woman who wait at stop lights with signs stating that they will “work for food”, or simply say that they need money to get to a certain destination. I know that I can’t give money to all of them, or even to some of them, but only perhaps to one of them each trip. So what I did is come to an understanding with the Lord that I will give money at a certain stop light that I often have to use when coming from the Atlanta, Airport. I find this is a good answerer for me, and gives me some focus and limit to my giving. Sometimes I don’t follow this; I do feel the nudge to give at other lights from time to time.
One day I came to “my light” and saw a man and a woman standing there in the cold rain, it was February, both looked pretty beat up, and perhaps on drugs, but it was cold, and the woman looked really the worse for wear. I stopped and gave them a little more than I normally would, and as soon as they got the money, the man grabbed the woman by her hand, and made a bee line for the Waffle House near the light. So I guess I helped out that time. Even if they were in their position because of choices that they made, they were still hungry, cold and wet, how could I not help them. Again I can’t help all of them, but this one “sacred place” allows to me to help a few.
So I encourage others to perhaps pick out just one light were some help can be given to these people, who are truly children of God, and our brothers and sisters. One good thing about my place is that it is about 15 miles from the city, and I think those who ask for money outside the city limits are most likely in real need.
I have never really went without all my life, but have been the recipient of kindness of strangers and have never forgotten it.
Alice
01.20.06 (6:07 am) [edit]I have a friend named Alice, who has some emotional problems that have made her life very difficult. She has known a lot of abuse in her life, her family being one of the biggest causes. She now lives apart from them in one of the long term motels, a small room with a kitchenette, ok but very cramped. Over the years I have tried to help her as much as I can, and she has pretty much gone thru all of the agencies that can help her, but can no longer; there are so many who need help that they have to limit how much they can give to each person.
She is on a pension, not much, in fact it does not cover her rent, so she spends a lot of time just trying to scrape up money for her motel room. The place she is living in is very strict, or let us say, it has become stricter the last six months. The new manager will not allow anyone to be late in their payments, miss and you are out on the street. I guess the policy is stricter now because of money lost on giving some of the people a chance to make up their rent, also some probably abused it.
I have helped Alice with rent, and she has gone thru a lot of friends also over this issue. When in survival mode, anxious and filled with fear, the tendency is to only think of oneself; understandable, I would probably do that if I was in her place, but it does wear others out and they tend to withdraw. Some days I dread her phone calls, all she talks about is her problems, pretty much the same things over and over again; something I guess she needs to do. I have asked her to call me on Saturdays if she feels the need, but I have only so many minutes on my cell phone.
She is trying to do some substitute teaching, but I am not sure she will be able to handle it. Her emotional state is usually fragile, and pressure tends to push her over the edge, she become frantic, so I am a little worried about her trying to teach, though I certainly have great respect in her wanting to try. She has the qualification for teaching; she has a couple of degrees and is very articulate.
She called me last night frantic; she needs a weeks rent by next Friday or again she will be evicted. I really can’t afford to help her anymore, so I found some numbers for agencies that help people over 55 with rent. I really hope that she can get some help, I am sick over this situation.
We had a talk a about a month ago, and we went over the issue of her going to one of those places were she can stay, but the glitch she has to give them her paycheck, and then they give her a little bit for spending money each week. She tried this, but she could not stand the other people who lived in the apartment building, again because of her emotional state. One thing I brought to her attention is my concern over her constant worry over getting rent money…..this goes on week after week, month after month, and surely it is going to have a very bad influence on her overall health. She is constantly coming down with colds, very bad ones, and I think her immune system is being compromised more and more over this. Could it be worse for her if she went into the apartment complex that will take care of her, at least on the rent issue? In any case she is slowly being back into a corner, and it worries me no end.
Many people have helped her, but she is so needy that after a while they have to back off, since they have problems of their own; who doesn’t, and due to the fact that Alice in her desperation can become demanding, understandable but draining none the less. I have not given up hope, and will continue to try to help, but only so much can be done.
It is hard for me to learn that I can only do so much, but why in such a rich country, were we can spend a billion dollars a day on war; we cannot take care of those who really need help, who try but cannot make it! I don’t have any answerers, just sorrow for all who have fallen thru the cracks.
Out of wack
01.19.06 (2:39 pm) [edit]Anger is often something good
If it is embraced and not feared,
Listened too and not pushed aside,
Or discounted,
A message that something is not right,
Something amiss,
Off center
Out of wack…..
An invitation to talk,
To express,
To become transparent
To those who help to bring it forward.
If not expressed anger goes inward,
Becomes infallible it its judgments,
A case made
With only the judge being present;
The offended one,
With no recourse for the one being judged….
The deeper it is hidden
The stronger the release,
Slow in coming
But as sure as the dawn
It destructive path fore known.
Off center
01.18.06 (4:24 pm) [edit]Had a meeting with the director where I work. I suppose the meeting for the most part went well; at least it did until the evaluation of one of the nurses that I work with came up. He brought up some complaints that have been brought up about her, not really serious, now that I look back, but at the time I got it into my head that Mr Director was being a bit hard on her, and also unfair or unjust. One of my weaknesses, a major one I think, even though I have been working on it for as long as I can remember, is that I can be a bit over protective of the ones I work with. I suppose one reason is that no one knows what we have to deal with on a daily basis, nor some of the pressures, that are not obvious at all to those who just drop by once in awhile.
In any case I got a little hot under the collar; ok, I got very hot, and went into defensive mode big time, and thought that I was giving a very rational presentation of how unfair he, the director was being in his observations. Now he knows me, we are good friends, so he listened, and smiled, knowing that I was just blowing my top, it happens at least twice a year with us, so he knows that I will get my feet on the ground soon….. sometimes it is from his end and then it is my turn to be patient.
Well after I finished, he stated that he was not putting full blame on the nurse in question, and that I was over reacting. So I ask the others at the meeting, thinking that it was obvious that I was right on. Well they all looked at me, sort of frowned and said I was over reacting. So I thought about it, my history, my temperament etc., and said, ok I overreacted, and we went on from there. I did apologies after the meeting, and my friend the director said that I always think it is worse that it is, I did overreact but did not come across as strongly as I think I do. I wonder how many times this has to happen before I learn, perhaps never, keeps me humble I guess. I can be a blowhard when I loss it.
I sometimes wish I was not such a fiery personality; volcanic is the term that I sometimes use to describe myself when I get off center. It does get tiring, but I guess in the end I am my own heaviest cross.
The Pond
01.17.06 (9:13 pm) [edit]The pond was placid,
The moon’s reflection
In ripples shown,
The quiet of a winter’s night,
Silent with the promise of something more,
A presence unseen,
Silence being the words spoken,
Softly inviting communion.
The surrender
01.17.06 (3:10 am) [edit]The Lord calls,
I resist,
Keep busy,
With this and that.
The Lord pursues,
I run,
To that which distracts…..
Afraid to sit still.
The Lord loves.
I accept,
Though my wounds
Heal slowly.
Hopefully one day
I will not need to keep busy,
Will not run to this, and that,
And truly accept the love offered.
Surrender,
Is difficult,
More so
Than people think.
Tom
01.16.06 (5:04 pm) [edit]Did the 3-11 shift last night, had to fill in for one of the workers who could not get into work because of car trouble; funny how much car trouble develops over the weekend. Oh well she is alone with her six year old, and going to school to boot, so I don’t mind. Over all I like this shift, it can be busy, at least for the first four hours, but after 7 it tends to get real quiet. Most of the patients here like to go to bed early, so for the most part things are very quiet. One of the people I take care of is Tom, a man in his early seventies who looks much younger, but has some difficulties that have made him bed bound for the last four years. He has some serious circulation problems in his legs, and in the past he did not take very good care of himself, in this regard; not unusual for a male….. Over all we don’t take very good care of ourselves, at least most of us don’t, there are always exceptions. When we first started taking care of him, his legs looked like a piece of roast beef, large dark sores, with wounds that would go to the bone. We tried taking care of them, but they got worse, so he was put into the hospital for about two months while special care of was given to leg care. After he came home his legs slowly started to heal and now they look normal, though we still have to watch them closely. He also has a permanent staff infection, which while a threat to him if we don’t keep a close watch, is not a problem to anyone else, as long as simple hygiene is observed. He is also struggling with a weight problem, not surprising, being bed ridden does not afford much chance of burning up calories. I have talked to him about this and he is trying to cut back on his already sparse diet. We make sure he gets balanced meals and try to help him to lose weight. One problem is his power chair, if he gets too big for it he will not able to get out of bed; also his weight problem makes it hard for him to breathe, so we have to keep his head up all the time. He is trying, not much else you can ask from anyone. I have a lot of admiration for him. Even though he is limited in his activities his spirits remain high, he keeps himself busy with reading, and has a lot of friends who either call or come to visit him on a regular basis. He is also catholic and likes to make cord rosaries that he gives away to friends who pass them on to others. He has a down to earth sense of humor, and all in all loves life. I know he suffers from his confinement but he does not take it out on others; at least most of the time. Hence my respect, don’t know if I could take it the way he does. In the year 2000 I was laid up for a month with a herniated disk, and believe me it was very difficult for me. I can remember waking up every morning, something I dreaded because of this; and for the first half hour felt a great deal of anxiety, fear, and a feeling of being trapped. The only way out for me was to simply abandon myself to God, to let go, after this I started to feel better, until the next morning. I guess the fear and anxiety just built up over the day and in the morning it was the first thing I felt. So when I see someone able to take this for years on end, my respect is profound. He is rough and ready on the outside, but when you get to know him, you understand that he has a bright soul, has depth, and a great love of others, though he can be rough in the way he shows it. His humor can have some sharp edges to it, but when told that he has gone over some line he listens and does better at least for a while. People ask me why I love to take care of others, well people like Tom is probably one of the main ones, and being 3rd of 11 children also enters the equation. The main reason however is that it gets me outside of myself, gets me away from my introspection, and keeps me busy. I think we are made to give and serve; did not Jesus wash the feet of his apostles?
The mountain was tall,
Capped with snow
With only stone,
And ferocious winds,
The gifts she gave to her lovers;
Who sought to conquer her heights…..
No pity,
Kindness,
Or love,
Or to be found upon these rocks,
No mercy and compassion unknown.
Yet;
The lovers come,
Climb and many die,
Seeking and struggling
To reach her summit,
That only a few can attain.
We seek the impossible,
That which we cannot have,
Own or possess.
What we own we no longer desire,
Such is our plight.
Once owned we look again,
Desiring for something,
To fill our longing for the ‘Other’.
Some days
01.15.06 (12:30 pm) [edit]Some days I feel my age,
Tired, not wanting to do much
A place where even thinking,
Pondering can be a chore.
Seeing things muted
Or even opaque……
But only for a time;
The color returns
Life goes on
And I again for awhile
Feel young once more
In spite of my age
And what the mirror tells me.
Truth be told,
I like being this age,
at this point of my life…..
I am more peaceful
Need less to occupy me,
Like the quiet,
And the alone time that I have;
With my energy now turned inward
Looking for the path
At times hidden,
That I have been on for so long.
Playing hide and seek
With God.
The Ocean
01.14.06 (6:40 pm) [edit]The ocean deep
With its gentle rolling waves,
That makes such a soothing sound
Breaking upon the sand.....
The sight, the sounds, and the smell,
Allowing one to simply be,
To be still,
And perhaps truly listen,
To its hypnotic rhythm.
Underneath, teeming with life,
With species beyond number,
Swimming, fighting, eating, mating,
Seeking to survive,
Unknowing of the vastness,
Of the world that they inhabit,
Nor the cold darkness of it depths,
That some say hold monsters
That only myth speaks of.
Joy
01.13.06 (8:15 pm) [edit]Joy is
Th
Gone,
Lost forever,
Overcome by the sorrows
And tr
It is hidden
Giving us re
Inc
A desire for more life,
The continued seeking
For
Strong
Giving color
We
For those
Building up or te
T
A help or
In the life of others…….
We either grow in love
Or desire to grow tow
Or slowly become cold, h
Tow
It is the love we t
Since love is God’s im
All else is burned
If no love
Wh
We either
Or we cre
The inner way
01.13.06 (7:14 am) [edit]The re
The w
The wounds th
The not giving into desp
Of not believing the inner voice;
Mocking,
Is
Hidden from the eyes of those we love.
The loneliness felt
The seeming
Dr
If believed to be true,
The illusion c
If the struggle is given up,
And we sink into the
The victory
Is not to believe
To not be
As we
Putting the inner voice in its pl
More cour
Though it is unseen by those
To le
Love
They too h
Their wounds, f
To see ourselves in others
To see Christ not only in others
But in ourselves
Is the ro
The wind and rain
01.12.06 (7:26 pm) [edit]Gently moving the wheat,
The soothing wind,
With a rhythm both beautiful in its simplicity,
And seductive in the soft whispers;
Almost kind in its gentleness,
Spoken to those who have the ears to hear
And the heart to enjoy
The intensity of the moment,
Freely given, and accepted.
The dark clouds seeming so close to the earth
Have a fearful beauty
With the entrancing smell of rain,
A promise soon fulfilled,
To the delight of those who are there to see.
We stand with our faces upturned
Breathing deeply
Filled with the joy of just being,
Of being alive and present to this moment,
So blessed, so filled with grace,
That we begin to run
Jumping for joy and laughing
Like the children we used to be.
4th oldest
01.12.06 (10:53 am) [edit]David is my younger brother; is one year and five months my junior, and probably is the one that I have had over the years, the most complicated relationship with. When we were very young, pre-teens to be exact, say from the time I was 10-14 years old, we were close, we did lots of things together, spent lots of time in the jungle, went swimming with the other kids that I hung out with, and just had a lot of fun together, with some fighting in-between, something that brothers and sister do.
That all changed when I started to mature into my teen years. What caused the problem that arose between us was I was a late starter, and my brother wasn’t, so we pretty much grew head to head all the way thru my teen years. So at one time friends, we turned into competitors, with lots of physical aggression between us. We would often fight, and the fights would be prolonged, going on for an hour or more. I suppose that one thing that was to my advantage was that I was calmer when I got angry, and also I tended to not react quite as quickly as he did. I used this to my advantage, and for the most part I guess I came out as the winner, if any kind of winning can be had from such an exercise.
I used to get him into a head lock. I had very long arms at the time, they almost dragged on the floor when I would walk around (well not quite), but I was strong and he quickly hit the floor, and there we lay, me exerting pressure until he got purple, then releasing him a bit so color would return; ask him if he gave up, he would hit me, so the cycle continued for quite a while. The other 6 kids would sit around and watch; they enjoyed it, and would even have snacks while watching. We never did anything to really hurt each other; even at my angriest, I would never for instance hit David in the face that is why I would get him in a head lock, less chance of either of us doing any real damage.
It became so bad, our fighting and competing, that I think I got to the point that I actively disliked him; hate would be to strong of a word. I always knew that I loved him as my brother, but during that time I did not like being around him, something would happen, and BAM, POW, it turned into a B level Batman movie event, we just did our own stunts.
When I became an adult, this feeling did not go away, in lingered and at least on my side a barrier was erected that I did not know how to let down, and really did not want to. So over the years when I would visit my family, my time spent with David was more often than not a chore, but I did spend time with him. I don’t think he ever realized the inner struggle I was still having with him.
I think it was more than just about the fighting, I think there was some jealously also going on. He was better looking than I was, and girls would not be shy in letting me know that, not much fun when you are a teenager. I was insulted that I had a younger brother better looking than me; such was my immature vanity, but I guess normal for a teenager.
In 1996, the year the Olympics was in Atlanta, David wanted to come up for an extended visit with me; actually my father asked me to let him come up, he was having some problems and it would be good for him to see me. Oh yes, he was an alcoholic, and when he drank he could become very mean. So against my better judgment I said ok. On one level I was happy that he was coming, perhaps we could mend things, after all it was over 30 years ago that we were teenagers, time to put it behind me, and perhaps if he was having trouble with me for him to do so also.
So the big day came, I drove to the airport and picked him up. On the way home we stopped off at ‘Little Five Points’, a hippie like area that drew a lot of tourist. We went to a restaurant that specialized in food from Columbia; at least I think it was from that country. Before we got to the restaurant, I did bring up his drinking and said that he could stay with me only if he did not drink. He promised, which I wanted to believe, found it hard, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. During the meal, over good food and laughter, I found the old feelings of closeness returning, the anger that I felt, and the disliked left me, and I found it easy to again feel connected with my brother. When this happened, I talked to David about it, how I felt, that we really reconnected and that hopefully our relationship would improve. I am not sure how it was from his side; I don’t think he carried that weight around with him. In very many ways he is a better person that I am, and I think the area of letting things go is one of them.
He stayed for a month, and it was good, we got along, though from word of mouth I heard that he was drinking; something that did not surprise me. Sadly I waited until I got some concrete proof, since he could look me in the eye and say he was not drinking. Well soon after that I found him drunk outside sleeping his stupor off. The next day I had a talk with him and told him that he had to go, that he knew that I would not tolerate him drinking while he stayed with me. He got very angry and tried to manipulate me into letting him stay, but I would not be moved on this point.
On the way to the airport, I told him that I am not judging him, that we all struggled with addictions, but his specific problem caused too many repercussions in the home, theft being one of them; he did admit to stealing money for alcohol.
He went down to stay with my sisters, who soon had to ask him to leave, he then went up to his ex-wife’s house, they were still friends, and stayed there for awhile. One day she called me and pleaded for me to take him back, I said I can’t. She went on, relating to me how he was become verbally abusive, and was worried about its effect on the children. I told her to call the police the next time it happened, but she was worried about the children. I said just sit the children down, they were in the early teens, and just tell them what you might have to do, they will adapt to it.
A couple of days later, David called me and told me that his wife told him he had to leave. As we talked I decided to be truthful with him, since I was really worried about what was going to become of him. When not drinking you will not find a kinder or more generous man, always ready with a smile, and kind to a fault, and I am serious when stating this. So I told him that he is well loved by the family, his kids, and his ex-wife also, though they are divorced. As we talked, I was able to relate how because of his drinking, he was becoming more and more isolated, and that if he did not try to do something about it he would soon have nowhere to go, since he could not live with anyone; in fact when drinking it could become unbearable. To his credit he did listen and is doing better. I think the main motivating factor is his love of his children, when sober he has a great relationship with them, but when drinking they back off, giving him plenty of space.
Hopefully as he gets older he will be able to quit completely, at least that is my prayer; if not his future could be bleak and lonely. It is a painful situation, but I am glad we again love one another, and we can talk, and laugh together, also that he understands why he cannot drink and be around me.
Life is full of problems that cannot be ‘fixed’, but there is always hope.
A ramble about life
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