The Embrace
09.30.05 (9:03 am) [edit]| The embrace is total, separation unknown. Joy, peace, sorrow, despair; do nothing to lessen the loving presence the Father bestows. He knows our depths, the why's, and the why not. Compassion infinite, love unending, seeking only to heal, to lift up, to bring us into the deepest center; the fiery love stronger than death or hell. Love knows all, so there is nothing to hide or fear. | |||
Lunch with a friend
09.30.05 (3:34 am) [edit]Went to lunch the other day with a friend, it was on Wednesday, my usual day off and I often spend some time with him. We went to lunch and as I was going thru the menu, looking over the items, I realized that my eating habits are slowly changing; completely on their own, without any desire on my part to really change them. As I was looking down the menu I saw all the items that in the past I would have ordered but did not want them. When I got to the salad section, I stopped, looked, liked, and ordered, a chicken salad with lots of healthy items mixed in. I would like to take credit for having some kind of discipline, but nope I can’t, I just wanted salad. I am finding that during the day that I am starting to crave fruits, and don’t want as may of the other things that I would normally eat all the time when snacking. One of my main weaknesses is coffee and any kind of pastry, and that is also slowly going. It is not that I am trying to lose weight, I decided a few years ago not to get on that particular band wagon, diet, gain, diet, gain; many of you know what I mean by that, the yo yo effect. It gives the myth of Sisyphus a whole new meaning. No I just try to keep my weight just were it is at, and am able to do that; between 196 and 200 pounds. Not the best weight, I could be 175, but I know that I am not going to go thru the hoops to achieve that, not worth the effort, besides when I got there I would go back up. I know myself in this regard, better to just try to keep at an even keel. However if my eating habits continue to change (on their own) then perhaps I will start to loose a little weight, but I am not going to try. I will leave that up to those people who keep the diet industry rich.
Across from an older woman came in with one of those ear phones on, which I noticed, and then went back to talking with my friend. As the time progressed I noticed that the ear phone, was from time to time, blinking a blue light. I found that interesting, and had an irrational impulse to go over and ask her to please take the phone out of her ear since the blue blinking was starting to bug me a bit. It was not that bad, but I found it interesting. The next few years will most likely bring all kinds of other devices that blink and whistle that we will need to wear. Who knows perhaps we can get color coordinated blinks to go with our hair, clothes or whatever. Yes it will be interesting. Not that I am against the new technologies, I love them, in fact I guess I will be wearing something like that in the near future. If only I can get the colors together, not go good at that, my friends tell me that I look like I get my clothes at Good Will, which I think is fine, I like Good Will stores. Besides what is wrong with your basic blue, grey and black ensemble…..right?
Peace
mitch
Stark fear
09.29.05 (12:42 pm) [edit]Angst
It sn
Dr
Non-im
Of st
Unn
P
Promising only de
The f
Nothing left behind.
No t
Nothing to fight,
Just
Se
Such is the price
For existence,
Th
Harder than I thought
09.28.05 (3:47 pm) [edit]Sometimes writing is hard.
It makes one self conscious,
In ways not wanted.
Nervous, anxious,
The sharing is deeper than you first thought.
Healing, yes but transparent.
Others see into more than I write,
perhaps what they see is true?
Do I write for myself or for them?
I did not feel drawn to writing when younger.
Why now?
It is important I know
To let others see my inner self
Often hid behind good humor,
Real yes, but also a mask,
Keeping others at bay.
Time to start slowly taking the mask off;
Writing is the doorway
Into that larger world.
Everything worth doing
Starts with some fear overcome,
Anxiety faced,
And a decision made.
A death is needed in order to be reborn.
Diving into the light
09.27.05 (11:07 pm) [edit]After a long slow decline
you peacefully let go,
your body old,
worn out,
weak,
born into a larger world;
a bigger womb
that perhaps you again
must out grow.
Slowly rising into the dark light,
infinite,
other,
totally unknowable.
Diving into the mystery,
that will draw you for eternity;
deeper, and deeper,
into the center.
So go in peace friend
your life was long
healing awaits you
in the arms of a loving God
and you are a child again, filled with wonder
Gotta love him
09.27.05 (12:39 pm) [edit]We have found that the body length pillows, the kind that you can buy at Wal-Mart are really handy to have around for the people that we take care of. They are about as long as the bed, so we like to place them along the bed railings, it protects some of them from hitting the rails with their arms and legs. Also it discourages trying to get out, a problem we have with a couple of the guys.
Phillip who is in the last stages of Alzheimer’s, is bedridden, since he can no longer sit up in a chair. He goes thru periods of either being too relaxed, or he gets very rigid and can’t move, with accompanying pain from the stiffness; in any case, both states make it difficult, and even dangerous to sit him up. Also to put him in a busy environment, only makes him agitated, which also leads to aggressive behavior that is very difficult to deal with. So we keep him in his room, play the music that he likes, and one by one spend time with him.
He likes the pillows, he will sometimes grab one and fold it in two, and then hug it, he can do this for quite awhile. Or if he is in the mood he will throw them over the railing; everything goes over, pillows, sheet, stuff bears if he has one on the bed, and sometimes his briefs, all in a neat pile on the floor; if he wants a little more action, they are scattered all over the room.
Last night he had the pillow covering his face and watching me with one eye. Hmmmm I thought where is a camera when you want one? He was in a playful mood, so I asked me what he was doing. He answered, well whatever it is, it is better than what you are doing. So I said well what am I doing? He answered, if you don’t know, how do you expect me to tell you? Ok I said, how do you know what you are doing is better than what I am doing? He replied, I just know things he said. In order to save face I responded, well you know I am not as dumb as I look………he put the pillow aside, looked at me thoughtfully, shook his head, and said with deep conviction, I doubt it! So I went over and looked into the mirror, and came to the conclusion that he was right.
Win some and loose some. Gotta love him LOL.
Peace
Mitch
He is letting go
09.25.05 (10:59 pm) [edit]All we are doing now is to try to keep him as comfortable as possible. Turn him, hydrate his skin with lotion, apply a cool compress to his forehead from time to time; he seems to like that, and to simply speak to him and let him know what needs to be done. When you turn someone in his kind of state, it is important that you talk your way thru it, since to suddenly be turned, can cause a great deal of anxiety, and a fear of falling. It is hard even with the talk thru, but you can not imagine the fear that can arise when turned without any warning. Being helpless, and really at the mercy of others, can do that to you.
His respirations are about 30 per minute, high, more like gasping than actual breathing; the breaths are very shallow, in and out very quickly. It is the body’s way of trying to stay alive just a little longer, it does have an intelligence of its own, and survival is its vocation. However he is not uncomfortable, the rapid shallow breaths are keeping his oxygen level high. We just keep his head elevated, and he is mostly resting at this point, and not responding when talked to. This however does not mean that he does not hear us.
I just left him, his breathing pattern suddenly changed, and some apnea entered the picture. Will he die tonight(?); well I have learned never to second guess something like that..... I have seen some amazing rallies, temporary improvements, that don’t last very long, but neverless always surprise me, who knows it may happen this time, but if it does I will really, really, be amazed.
Peace
mitch
I am so connected
09.25.05 (6:41 am) [edit]The hours I keep,
erratic at best;
cell phone keeps me connected.
It rings at all hours,
I am on call,
so I never know
when dreams will be shattered
by the "bing" of my phone.......
even when off duty
I still sleep with one ear open
for the "ding" ;
a blessing and a curse
the cell phone is.
I carry it with me everywhere,
feel naked,
cut off,
isolated,
without it.
I sleep better when I know
it is on silent,
but I can seldom do that.
Technology;
it should make life simpler,
instead we can now do
30 things
when before we could do perhaps 5.
The pace is faster,
the "ding" comes more often
I do more running
and I am connected
"ding"......"ding"....."ding"
Yes who is it
What, yes I can come in to work now
And emergency you say
“ding"......"ding"....."ding"
We always have a choice
09.24.05 (5:54 pm) [edit]We always have a choice,
our actions have roots
that grow in the darkness,
that we can easily hide from ourselves;
that take root,
and one day blossom,
either good fruit,
or bad,
sweet, or bitter,
that either add to life
or take from it,
we either give, or take,
love, or hate,
we are either moving forward
no matter how slowly,
or sliding back,
but no standing still is possible.
We either becomes monsters,
or things of beauty, when it is all said and done,
each is known only by God.
We are told not to judge
for good reason
since we tend to see what we hate in others;
condemnation is then self-judgment.
Self knowledge will take away the compulsion to judge,
to compare, weigh, and find wanting,
since we can't stand to see our own reflection.
Others do not have to carry what we ourselves hate.
Love of self,
leads to a lightness of being,
an overflowing heart,
that heals, and does not wound.
A loving heart,
a sign in the world
of God's own love
in miniature.
As I was sitting
09.23.05 (11:57 pm) [edit]As I w
Actu
Our he
I felt the F
M
So I feel sorrow,
Pe
Mitch
Entertainment?
09.23.05 (5:39 pm) [edit]Entert
I h
I think on
All the news
We
My only hope is to continu
Pe
Mitch
To listen
09.22.05 (4:18 pm) [edit]It is so h
to t
We
we
of not underst
when it is simple
we live in our own world.
It c
perh
No m
isol
in the end seems like
th
Talking to the dying
09.22.05 (10:36 am) [edit]Hello Joe,
can you hear me?
I will now hydrate your skin,
and put lotion on your lips,
it may help you feel more comfortable.
I need to turn you now
don't be afraid
you will not fall.
I know it hurts to be moved,
but necessary;
if we don't your will suffer more.
I will now place a cold compress
on your forehead,
to cool your brow.
It will soon be over,
I know you are weary,
98 years will do that to you.
I will be hear next to you
you are not alone,
nor will you be.
It is lonely,
but you are loved and cared for.
I will now be quiet and let you rest.
I often wonder
09.21.05 (5:50 pm) [edit]I often wonder, when sitting with someone dying, what it is they are going thru. The dying process seems arduous even if there is no pain to deal with. Perhaps it is the silence, the hanging over the void, and the seemingly endless waiting, that gets to me.
I have never been with a young person who was dying; only the old, and they seem in the end to die peacefully, simply letting go, and moving on to whatever awaits them. I guess it must be different with the young, and the middle aged. I suppose it might be more difficult for those in mid-life, since we are the ones who mostly carry positions of responsibility; we are needed, so it might be more difficult to let all of that go and move on.
I remember Joe, when he was just about ready to let go, and we notified his family to come so that they could be with him. There he was taking short incomplete breaths (gasping), his eyes glazed over, almost there, when his family came in, weeping, kissing him; telling him how much they loved him, and would miss him. Well he came back, and twenty minutes later, he was sitting up in bed, laughing, and joking, with his family. Later when we were alone, I asked him if he made some sort of decision to return; he looked at me, smiled a little sadly, and said, yes, but he will be going back soon. It seemed to me that it was a sacrifice for him to return; one he made out of love and concern for his family. Funny thing, the family decided not to be there when he was again dying, since they were worried that the same thing might happen. They knew that he was ready to go. True or not, it showed love and concern on both sides.
He died peacefully a week later. The same thing, his eyes glazed over, short incomplete breaths (gasping), when suddenly, his eyes cleared, he looked at me, smiled, and then went back in, and died 30 minutes later. Like all the others, he also had an arduous waiting period before he finally made his exit, or entrance, to whatever awaited him.
Peace
mitch
He holds on
09.20.05 (11:54 pm) [edit]| He lie's resting, not moving; fighting for his life; a life he loves, and holds on to, life is short, precious, and sacred, life is lived only once, so he holds on, wanting again to move, to eat, to laugh, and yes to pray, here for such a short time no mater how long the years already lived I am at peace he told me when I was with him last though I hang on | |||
We all have it
09.19.05 (4:54 pm) [edit]We all have the darkness,
for some buried, hidden,
covered up deep within the soul,
leading some to believe,
that goodness
lurks in the depths,
only goodness, and light.
The shark swims,
deep, silent, waiting,
to suddenly break
the false peace of the mind,
to rage and attack;
to wake its blind host,
from complacency,
that lured them
into a false peace.
Better to know yourself,
be prepared,
to battle the rage within,
that sleeps within us all
More on Lawrence
09.19.05 (4:23 pm) [edit]There are a lot of variables that are present when dealing with someone who is very ill, and thought to be terminal. As it turns out, Lawrence may have a chance of getting better, but because of his extreme age it will be difficult.
It turns out that Lawrence’s leg wound; that we have been taking care of for a while, became infected, and it was more serious than we thought. Our Nurse, ask the wound doctor, to please take a tissue sample to see how bad the infection was, since it was starting to ooze a green discharge. For some reason, the doctor chose not to do that, hence the possibility that this is what caused the over all breakdown of his system. They did put him on antibiotics when he came home from the hospital, and they are starting to help him somewhat; he is slowly improving, how far that improvement will go is what we are dealing with at this point.
Lawrence has not had any food since last Wednesday, and even before that he was eating very little for a few days prior. So we are watching to see if the impaction will break up; we have given him some medicines that will hopefully help out in this regard. Then we can start a liquid diet, and get some calories in him.
We are going to get some blood test tomorrow, to see how he is doing, and if his kidney is working in cleaning out his body, hopefully it has kicked back in, and working.
I am glad that we kept him on an IV, though it was a veru slow drip, still it kept hydrated enough to keep his body from dehydrating.
Perhaps he will make it to a hundred after all, perhaps not, in any case he is a very strong person and a fighter, though he has told me that he is not afraid to die.
Peace
Mitch
Desperation
09.18.05 (3:13 pm) [edit]I h
in this club,
where the desper
Seen her sitting there,
sc
looking
being needy,
hoping, th
w
She w
men would come,
t
go home with her,
use her, sometimes be
drop her, forget her,
tre
A common theme here
in the club for the desper
She herself w
t
on men, lower down the l
showing her disd
not knowing it w
Still I hurt for her,
in their d
in the h
She knows even before she meets,
wh
it h
the wheel turns,
with her scre
etern
in
contempt,
in
Lawrence
09.18.05 (11:31 am) [edit]On Thursd
He is he
It is odd, sitting ne