I don't know
09.01.05 (2:39 am) [edit]I don't know why I keep looking at the images from New Orleans, and the other areas hit by Katrina; I am drowning in them. At first I felt shock at the devastation, even though I knew from the forecast it was coming. Nothing can really prepare one for the actual aftermath from such a storm. I am starting to feel a low level depression over all the destruction, and death, also from the worry about some friends in the area that I can't reach. One friend has Parkinson's, is bed ridden so if he got caught in a surge he could do nothing to get away. I worry about his wife and children who live in the area.
My doctor friend, Glen, got in contact with another friend, Fr Bernard, and stated that he is on his way to Houston, by Helicopter, taking the most seriously ill to hospitals there. He has most likely lost everything; he lives in Kenner, but at least he is doing something to alleviate the terrible suffering going on down there. He often tells me that he was born to be a doctor, and after experiencing how he works; the sleepless nights, the constant phone, and beeper calls, and yes the faxes; I believe him. He is truly dedicated to helping others, giving more than a hundred percent in his quest to alleviate suffering. A large chunk of his practice is charity; he helps everyone, including me at times. He, is where he is supposed to be, helping the suffering and helpless. He told me once that he even pays the cab fare for some of his patients, who would not otherwise be able to get in to see him. He also pays special attention to the quiet ones, since he says that the outspoken get what they need; yes a very special man of compassion, even among doctors. I know that many doctors and nurses are just as dedicated as he is, doing there best, to take care of those caught up in this tragedy. I just wish there was something I could do besides pray for all of them; the living and the dead. I am not down playing prayer of course, my faith tells me that is important, but doing something is also important. Of course if I was actually there I don't know what I could possibly do.
Peace
Mitch
I did not know
08.31.05 (11:07 am) [edit]I did not know what I had unitl I lost it
it was just there
available
ready to be used,
put aside forgotten
home, friends,
food and water
something always there
now there no more
swallowed up by water
levees broke
strange, always there
also taken for granted
water once a friend
now the enemy
drowning everything
hungry merciless
growing fat on our lives
if only I knew
I had so much to be thankful for
now I am just happy I am alive
with my family
but deep saddness ramains
to haunt me forever
I am trapped
08.30.05 (7:39 am) [edit]People trapped
Water rising
Please help
I don’t want to die
My family is here
The water close and cold
Oh God why did I not leave
This trap is closing
The attic a coffin
Everything feels so close
I want to scream
And not stop
Oh why did I stay
Who would have thought
My home would be my coffin
So many of us
Alone with no one to help
Hopefully not many will have my fate
Oh God have mercy
Peace
Mitch
old companion
08.28.05 (3:20 am) [edit]and what I desire
rage wells up
intense
unthinking
reptilian
ripping my soul
with pain intense
it seeks someone
a scapegoat to lash
I gasp
stumble
by the upsurge
focus,center
pray, stand back
till it passes
an old companion
who has not swallowed me up
yet!
we all struggle with something
Peace
mitch
Late in the waiting room
08.27.05 (3:19 am) [edit]Emilio w
She c
She w
She told me
Her "mee m
We t
People
Pe
Mitch
Meaning?
08.26.05 (2:59 pm) [edit]The word "why?", is a mantra always active in my mind, even if at times I don't advert to it. The ultimate answer to "why?" is slow in coming; perhaps the full answer will never be mine.
Why would the search for meaning evolve at all? Is the search for meaning something that makes sense if survival of the species is the only goal in the process known as evolution?
Without meaning life becomes a nightmare, were all that I love, accomplish, learn, or become, will one day come to nothing; worst of all, also for those that I love, and care about. Maybe I seek meaning because meaning can be found, in fact is meant to be found. Perhaps we are called to meaning, made for it, loved and embraced by it. Perhaps the "search is the hook by which God lures us?
It is our self awareness that points the way. A gift, and a curse at the same time, at least that is how is can be experienced by me. I sometimes get weary of just being aware; at other times it is a great joy, but without a center it can become a living hell. Is life "much ado about nothing", with all my desires and sufferings useless passing phenomena? Or is my life, and the lives of all, ripe with meaning, bestowed by a power greater than myself or ourselves; even if not readily perceived?
Is my search for meaning an indication that I am more than just an accident of nature? How can the concept or the desire for meaning even exist, if there is in fact, no meaning, or reason, for my existence?
If anything, it seems at times, that our constant searching as a species for meaning is a detriment to our survival, for we spend as much time running from the search, as we do in seeking the answer. We are a self-destructive organism. We engage in wars that are irrational; that are in the end self-destructive, only leading to an endless cycle of violence and revenge. We as individuals often live self-destructive life-styles, and do everything to make our lives miserable...while at the same time telling ourselves that we seek happiness. We work our self to death for what in the end is often pointless, useless and empty.
Is the meaningfulness that is often felt by those who love God, an illusion (?), or is it in fact reality? Is faith in God a fantasy that leads away from reality or is it the way to discover what life is all about? Can science give meaning to our lives; can it replace Faith, Philosophy, and Art? Can science as important as it is fill the void that seems to have been placed within us. Can everything we desire, hope for, and love be reduced to being merely brain states, an epiphenomena that in the end points to nothing?
I suppose each of us has to come up with our answer, no one can make it for us.
Peace
Mitch
the waiting room
08.26.05 (4:06 am) [edit]I wait a lot
an inner tension
somthing is coming
that all the waiting points to
a sign
sometimes peaceful
other times screaming
I wait for death
the end of waiting
or is it?
Peace
mitch
Emilio
08.25.05 (2:48 am) [edit]Emilio is one of the men I take care of. He is probably one of the gentlest men you would ever want to meet. Always agreeable, even in the midst of suffering; no small feat in my opinion, and a rare trait to be found in a few, which is understandable, and not really expected in the one suffering from whatever discomfort. Suffering does throw us back onto ourselves, to the point that in some that is all that they can think of. In doing so, they can make life difficult for those around them, even if that is not their intention, or desire.
Caregivers know this and don't take it personal when one of their charges lashes out at them since it is not something personal, but based on someone experiencing deep suffering. Suffering can wear out those who are experiencing it, drag them down; make them depressed, angry and withdrawn.
Emilio has never been that way. He seems incapable of that kind of reaction to his suffering, but tries in every way to work with us in order to be able to work it through. He was a teacher in Cuba when the revolution happened, and was imprisoned for a couple of months by Castro. When he was released he came to Miami and was a teacher and was well known in some circles. He still receives visitors from time to time from Miami.
He seems for the most part at peace about the procedure that he will go through today, though he knows that he will have a few rough days after the operation. He will be in the hospital from 7-10 days, and will need someone with him for the first two or three. They are going to insert a stomach tube through his nose, and there is a tendency for the patient to pull it out because of the confusion brought about by the anesthesia. So I will with him all day today till 8PM. I will be replaced for 12 hours and then go back tomorrow till about 2PM. If he still needs a watcher we will proceed from there. His age could dictate a longer period that he needs to be watched, since his confusion could last longer than it would for a younger person.
I am amazed at his calmness, something I am sure that I would not have if it was me going through this procedure. He is a man of deep faith, prayerful, kind, thoughtful and insightful, so he has a lot of maturity that he is bringing with him to the table. I suppose his whole life has prepared him for this moment. It is no accident that he is this way, his maturity is based on a multitude of small choices over the years, that have led him to be the man he is today. Growing old in a gracefull manner is not an accident, at least in my opinion.
The doctor says that he sees no real problem with the operation. He will not be able to eat or drink for three day, but after that he should be able to eat normally. There is one problem that came up after his pre-op; they found his EKG abnormal. His surgery had to be put off for a couple of days until he saw a heart doctor. He is cleared, but I guess the 95 percent surety is probably a little lower than before, but the doctor is still confident. In any case he has to have the operation since the tumor is growing.
Hopefully Emilio will recover and his gentle spirit will still be experienced by all those who have the honor of knowing him.
Peace
mitch
our doom
08.23.05 (3:56 pm) [edit]we are never satisfied
desiring, hoping
seeking wanting
if only?
my life would be complete
my search over
this person
that thing
money or beauty
all call out to us
leading us on
an endless cycle of seeking
but once owned, desire goes
we seek the hunt
that which cant' be owned
can't be caught
leading us on
in our eternal quest
we thirst, hunger, want
that which can't be ownened
calls us
woos us
wounds us
not allowing us to rest
in false loves
it is our fate
our doom
our glory and pride
we are called to more
to be more
than we can even begin to imagine.
peace
mitch
The Lady in the Red Coat
08.22.05 (3:28 pm) [edit]It is funny how a chance meeting with someone, be it a man or woman, will stay with you for years after the encounter. I think this happens (at least to me) because these people represent some kind of archetypal situation that is common to the human condition; so I react from a deep level that stays with me for a lifetime.
I remember in 1970 I was in the Miami airport, in the Navy, with a lot of time on my hands, with very little money. I had a 9 hour lay over and was just walking around the airport people watching I guess. I guess at that age, I was 20 I did not have the inner resources to just sit and read or simply pray. In any case I walked past a solider who was on the phone, he saw me and waved me over. After he hung up, and were talking, we found that we were waiting for the same plane out. He had an idea to hitch hike to the city to kill time. I thought it was better than hanging around the airport; so off we went.
We got into the city and went into a bar for a drink. While there, we both noticed a man and woman were having an argument over something. I did not pay much attention, and with my new found friend we listened to the Jazz band that was playing. After a couple of hours we decided to hitch hike back to the airport, since it was getting late, and we were worried we might not be able to get a ride back.
We left and were walking towards the Inter-State, when we noticed the woman from the bar. She was very pretty, and dressed in a long red coat that reached down to her ankles. She looked stunned, and was just wandering around the block, which by the way was not in the best part of town. My new found friend and I become worried for her, and went over to see if we could help. We went slowly, so as not to frighten her, since we were strangers. Her face was streaked with tears, and she looked liked she was sucker punched, dazed and not seeming to care that she was in a dangerous part of the city. I asked her if there was anything we could do for her. Call her a cab, or perhaps walk her to her car, if she had one nearby. She just looked at us, and told us that there was nothing we could do for her, and to please leave her alone. She was not rude about it, but just telling us in a very matter of way. I did not want to leave her but really we had no choice, she did not want help.
We continued our journey to the airport, it took us three hours; people even back then were afraid to pick people up.
That woman, her sorrow, her shock, and her not wanting any help has never left me. For years after this event I would often see her face when I was praying, or in meditation. It would come unannounced and I would often pray for her and for all those like her. I think she did represent for me the plight of many people who are used, and put aside, alone, who seek love but never really find it. I often wonder were she is, if she is ok, and more importantly if she found someone who would give her the love that she so desired. One person can be a symbol, a sign that points to the existential plight of mankind, and how we often knowingly or unknowingly or the cause of that plight. A simple act of kindness or cruelty can have repercussions that can last a lifetime. I suppose all of our actions are like seeds that will one day bear fruit either for good or evil.
Peace
Mitch
Reaching out to the porn industry.
08.22.05 (2:26 am) [edit]Below is an interesting article on reaching out to those involved in the porn industry. When I was in the Navy, I did from time to time go to X rated movies, found them enticing, but also came away feeling empty and even more lonely than before I went to see the movie. I don't know if that is a common experience or not. Perhaps it was based on my already developing faith, and my simple knowing that that kind of entertainment was not meant for me. Like most men I am very visual and the images would stay with me for a long time. So to see a porn movie was not just something that took a couple of hours, but was rewound, and played over and over a gain.
Peace
mitch
XXXMinistry
Reaching out to the porn industry.
Reviewed by Greg Taylor
The Gutter:
Where Life's Meant
to be Lived
by Craig Gross
Relevant Books
172 pp., $12.99
Graig Gross's book is about so deeply feeling the work of Christ that pulled us out of our gutters that we re-enter the gutters in order to call others out as well.
Gross says the gutter is "the place where we discover that we need God most." Poverty and immorality are two of its faces, but Gross wants Christians to realize that we've each had gutters we've come from and where we're called to return. His working definition of the gutter is "the place I am least likely or inclined to go because it is a place where people are not like me; they are not Christians." Yet those are the places Jesus calls us to enter.
This is not some ivory-tower incarnation theology written from a spotless church environment. The book tells the story of Gross and Mike Foster, both pastors, who launched a ministry in 2002 called XXXChurch.com, a ministry to porn addicts, by attending a pornography trade show in Las Vegas.
Foster said God spoke to him in the shower one morning and said only one word: porn. Gross was so taken with the idea of a ministry to pornography addicts that he raced to register a website name for the ministry: XXXChurch.com. But they were also racing into a fight against pornography that would lead them to the red-light district in Amsterdam, to a porn rehab center in Kentucky, and into conflict with fellow Christians.
Their wives were cautiously supportive. They also attended the trade show and hung a banner that said, "XXXChurch.com: #1 Christian Porn Site." They handed out postcards saying, "Jesus loves porn stars." And they even enlisted a walking bunny mascot to draw attention. "We're not stupid," said Gross's wife, Jeanette. "Do you think we're going to let our husbands go to a porn trade show without us? Who do you think was in the bunny suit?"
The mainstream media showed overwhelming interest in the story of two pastors taking on the porn industry from the inside and without hatred. But much of the Christian media, such as The 700 Club, was critical. Pat Robertson said Jesus would not go to a porn convention.
Gross says he believes Christian media are scared. "They think we went too far. That we're becoming 'of the world.'"
The book is divided into three sections. "My Gutter" tells the story of the XXXChurch.com ministry.
"His Gutter" explains Christ's radical compassion, call to repentance, and his redemptive work to pull us out of our gutters. "This is the very thing that defines our faith," says Gross, "that we no longer live in our gutters," but modeling Jesus' incarnation, we return to the gutter to fulfill our mission.
What is that mission? The Cross—the "ultimate gutter"—is the model for the last section, "Your Gutter," which argues that "[O]ur mission is to get in the gutter and provide Hope." Gross contends that those in the gutters—the poor in spirit—aren't interested in church. "So it's up to us to take the church to them, and that's why Mike and I were at the porn show. That's why we do everything we do."
While the book is strong on calling Christians into the gutter, it is weak in equipping and training them to go there. A friend of Gross's suggested that he add a chapter about the dangers of entering the gutter, particularly one as insidious as pornography. Gross appreciated the advice but declined, saying that enough voices were talking about staying away and that he didn't want to discourage people from doing what they are called to do.
Yet Gross says he knows the struggles of those working in this ministry, and he's cautious about how far to take the people who work with him. An intern, for instance, had struggled with pornography and finally ripped out his modem. "That's the kind of person I want working with me in this ministry," Gross says. The intern told Gross that he could never go to a porn show. Gross replied, "I'm never gonna take you."
Pornography is reportedly a $13 billion dollar industry, and Foster and Gross have entered a battle as David to pornography's Goliath. Yet, incredibly, one of the major porn filmmakers, Jimmy D., offered to pay for and make a commercial for XXXChurch.com.
They made the commercial with a puppet that urged children to say no to pornography and suggested that if they found magazines in the closet or under the bed with pictures of naked mommies to ask their parents to get rid of them. The commercial aired on some news outlets and as public service announcements. Being the highest-profile thing they'd done at that point, it was also the most controversial. Most Christian media were critical of the ad, of entering erotica conventions, and of partnering with porn filmmakers. "If Jimmy D. became a Christian, more people would like us," Gross said. "But I look at the gutter differently. Gutter residents aren't notches on a Bible or marks on a Christian scorecard—they are real, hurting people, people who are so lost they'll break your heart. Most of the time, it takes more than a gospel browbeating to help them realize their plight."
The website, meanwhile, has had millions of visitors who can download free accountability software called X3. When installed on a computer, X3 sends an e-mail every 14 days to a chosen friend or friends with a list of the websites visited by that computer. The site also features testimonials from porn addicts, prayer and Bible study resources, and an open forum called "The Prayer Wall," with hundreds of thousands of posts from addicts, spouses of addicts, and more recently, porn stars themselves.
Lately, XXXChurch.com has moved into helping those within the porn industry. The ministry has received letters from porn stars wanting to get out. One said she was trying to decide whether to e-mail them or Jerry Springer. Another said that when she found out her 12-year-old daughter was having sex, she knew she had to find other work.
"There's nothing enticing about this [porn] industry," Gross says. "I go to a trade show, and all I see are a bunch of miserable, unhappy people. People looking to fill their lives with this crap that's leaving them empty. I'm happily married. I don't want what they have; they want what I have."
Greg Taylor is managing editor of www.wineskins.org and author of the novel High Places (Leafwood, 2004).
Copyright © 2005 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.
August 2005, Vol. 49, No. 8, Page 71
Mindless Entertainment
08.20.05 (2:54 am) [edit]The A-team is a great series...ok, ok....I know that if you saw one episode you sort of saw them all; plots always the same, sequences pretty much follow the same pattern, but isn't it wonderful! Just think a world were the bad guys get taught a lesson, wrongs are righted, car chases, great wrecks, lots of explosions and gunfire....any yet.....no ones is killed or even hurt; now that is entertainment, mindless true, but sometimes that is the best kind, at least for me. Let the brain rest in a good silly plot, with no harm to anyone.
I love the car wrecks. Three men in a jeep, no seat belts, the jeep hits "something or another", different in each episode; flies up and seems to travel about 500 feet, lands on its top, rolls about six times, and, and, behold the men in the jeep are just stunned....yep a nice world to live in.
Murdock crazy as a loon, always on some inner adventure that leaks out into the collective life of the A-Team....yep fun and perhaps a healthy escape once in awhile, good for the mind if not the soul....well good for the soul also. I think action films are for men, what chocolate is for women.
There are just some days.......
Peace
Mitch
soft night
08.19.05 (4:18 am) [edit]The soft night
L
After
A l
Coffee, strong
L
F
On the be
The soft sound of rolling w
The oce
Going for slow w
The st
You could
Alone pe
W
Pl
Being
Unselfconscious,
I
When
Pe
mitch
The Lady
08.17.05 (9:15 am) [edit]I would like to return to the
I suppose th
We do live in
There is something in me th
When I w
My imperfection
She will
Pe
mitch
A trip to the airport
08.16.05 (4:12 pm) [edit]Went to the airport today. Now the airport is not my favorite place; too crowded, noisy and just too busy for me....always get very tired while I am there. Today however I decided to just people watch, and see what I could get out of it. It was not that busy on the North side of the airport, so I just sat down on one of the carousels and just people watched. The first thing I noticed was a father sitting down with his little daughter standing in front of him; she looked to be about 4 years old. He was talking to her in very serious tones, and I only got a few lines as I walked by; he was giving her a talk on what to do in case she got lost in the airport, what to do and not to do. I could tell that the little girl knew by the tone of her father's voice that this was serious and that she had better listen. I observed from a distance not hearing, would not want to, but was intrigued by how intent both father and daughter were. At first I felt sad that the girl had to learn at such a young age about the dangers of the world today, and how adults cannot be trusted if she did not know them. Then I realized that the world has never been a safe place, and one of the most important things a parent can teach their children is just that; be on guard. That is what fairy tales are all about; Grim Fairy tales are well named indeed, and many of them do not have happy endings. About ten minutes later the little girl was laughing and running around the carousel with her father playfully chasing her. She did know that she was safe with her dad, and the dad was smiling no longer serious, he smiled at me on the third time around the baggage carousel. For a time at least the daughter felt safe, and protected, and both father and daughter were happy about that. Perhaps the daughter will enjoy life more now, since she did lose a certain innocence today. Lose something gain something; a larger world view even with its darker element is better than a naïve one that could lead to harm.
A few minutes later a very beautiful black woman walked by with a very confident air about her. She had a very nice build, and dressed in ways that showed it off, but it was done in a tasteful manner. I then noticed that she did not have any hands, in fact she seemed to have only about half of her forearms. She had some keys on a rubber cord around her upper arm area and did not seem the least bit self conscious or concerned about her unusual appearance. My first gut reaction was pity, which I soon realized that she did not need any of that. It lifted my spirits to see her for I think I often fall into the trap of a condescending type of pity, that is harmful to me, and is of absolutely no use to any one else. Her aura of self confidence seemed to fill the whole area; I wonder if I was the only one who felt it? Probably not, people are sensitive on many levels toward others.
Next a woman came by with two little boys, perhaps a year old at the most, both very small and sleeping in her double walker. I saw her walking around the airport for few times. Then I looked up, and she was carrying one of the of boys, but the other one, very little, skinny, and a little shaky on his feet, was pushing the walker, I could not believe it! He would push it and then kneel down and rest, pull himself up and push again; I laughed and wished that I had a good camera with me. The mother acted as if it was the most common event, but to me it was glorious indeed. Even at that young age the two twins were much different in how they looked and handled their world. Pushing, getting tired, getting up again; a lesson there somewhere.
Ed, the man I was waiting for finally came up and we were on our way. Ed is a good friend of mine, with a great sense of humor, he always has me laughing with one liners, and caustic observations about life; I always enjoy spending time with him. We went to Long Horn Steak house off of Mt Zion road on 75. I don't eat much steak, but once or twice a year I get a hankering for one. I had a very dry white wine, a rib eye filet, and a salmon steak, served with mash potatoes and cooked apples; with a cup of coffee after the meal. All wonderful, the ribeye melted in my mouth, the salmon was delicious and I had good company. To top it off the waitress was also very good, pleasant and seemed to take pride in her work. I think a good worker is a living piece of art, and when we left, I let her know what a great job she did.
Well I am home, tired after a long day. I also took Emilio, one of my charges to the doctor, another story, perhaps tomorrow.
Peace
Mitch
The pool at Fr Gulick
08.15.05 (1:38 pm) [edit]Soon
I remember th
I went down to the sh
I
At the pool there were
Well
A little l
Pe
Mitch
Our Father (some humor)
08.15.05 (2:53 am) [edit]peace
mitch
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------
Our Father Who Art In Heaven.
Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you.
I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
Called ME
You said,
"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am.
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it.
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good,
kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right.
Go on.
Okay, Hallowed be thy name .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"?
It means, it means . . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer.
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense.
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.
I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control,
of everything down here like you have up there.
We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
Yes, I know;
but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper?
You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend your money --
all on yourself.
And what about the kind of books you read?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at church!
Excuse ME.
I thought you were praying
for my will to be done.
If that is to happen,
it will have to start with the ones
who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example.
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups.
Now that you mention it,
I could probably name some others.
So could I.
I haven't thought about it very much until now,
but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.We'll work together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, Lord, if you don't mind,
I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
You need to cut out the bread.
You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty,
and all of a sudden you break in
and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing.
You just might get what you ask for.
Remember,
you called! ME -- and here I am.
It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying. ( . . . pause . . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to
.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.
Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
What about Ann?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories.
She never paid back the money she owes me.
I've sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it.
Well, at least you're honest.
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness
and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her.
Boy, have I got some plans for her.
She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forgive Ann.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin,
will be Ann's problem -- not yours.
You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned
.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . (sigh).
All right . all right . .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad.
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer are you? Go on.
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place
where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory --
What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know.
I want to please you now
I've really made a mess of things.
I want to truly follow you.
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.
Life begins?
08.14.05 (8:42 am) [edit]I was ll nearing 12
When I heard a very strange thing
Rita
Who worked for us
Also a friend
Had her arms around my mum
Saying
Vinita, life begins at 40
My mother looked shell shocked
Not believing
40? Me? Was the look
You yes, but not me!
How did I get here
Middle-aged
My life half over
I am becoming my own mum
I looked up
At these old beings
And snorted
Life begins at 40?
Not at 40
Seemed so ancient to me
Surely life ends at 40
In the waste land of middle age; I shivered
Silly rabbit
Seems like yesterday
Yet so long ago
A different life
Now I am 56
Hmmmmm 40 is young!!!!
One day 56 will be young
If I live
No matter how long I live
The 11 year old going on 12
Will still be there
Wondering
Still not understanding
But learning
That nothing is lost
On the journey
Peace
mitch
trust/fear
08.12.05 (6:00 pm) [edit]Prayer (fear/trust)
When I think about prayer, one of the first things that come to mind is the obstacles that keep me from entering fully into the prayer experience. More often than not my intellectual development will outstrip my emotional growth. For instance on an intellectual level, I can truly believe in the infinite love of God. I can tell myselve that God’s love being infinite, is something that I will never fully understand, since human love, by its very nature is finite, it has boundaries, that if crossed could possibly end love, while with God no such boundaries exist. I can also know that the aspect of my relationship with God that is problematic, is myselve, I am the unstable element. I have emotions, feelings, and issues that can put up road blocks to experiencing fully the loving relationship that God wants to have with me.
My emotional responses, more often than not, are not at the same level as my thought life. I can speak of love and forgiveness; yet on an emotional level, be easily moved to anger, and thoughts of rage, and revenge, which easily surface. This can lead to a great deal of inner turmoil and suffering, which can have a detrimental influence on my prayer life. It is hard to pray when I am in a fight or flight state of mind.
I can also think of God as merely being some kind of super human being, more loving, and forgiving, but in the long run really not much different than I am. In other words I tend to make God into my image and likeness, which again can be hurtful to my prayer life, and my intimacy with God. When I do this I take away from the “otherness” of God, from the infinite nature of His love, and then God can also take on my dark side. When this happens, the love of God is not experienced as infinite, but his anger and wrath are. Since fear and trust cannot exist side by side, trust is lost and my relationships suffers, since intimacy with someone who is not trustworthy is impossible. All that can be done is to placate the one feared. Prayer becomes a way of keeping God at a distance, instead of drawing us deeper into a loving, and trusting relationship.
In order to grow in trust of God, and by that to deepen my prayer life, my emotional reaction to God, that is based on fear, has to be dealt with on a conscious level. What I have learned is that my emotional state is not a true indicator of trust. Any emotional state that keeps me from approaching God has to be resisted but not rejected. It is important for me not to repress these experiences, but to use them as a spring board to grow in trust. In doing this, a real death to an old way of life results, which opens the door to a broader and deeper relationship with God; with that comes greater freedom, since it brings my emotions under the supervision of reason, and faith, which is enriched by grace.
Growth in trust, allows me to fully accept that God knows all that there is to know about me, so there is nothing to hide, in fact it is impossible to hide from God’s loving gaze. When this is accepted then my prayer life deepens, fear is overcome, and true joy that is the fruit of the spirit is allowed to surface. There is nothing that I need to hide, nothing to be feared, nothing in me that cannot be brought before God in prayer; whatever form that takes.
The first epistle of John states that “true love cast out fear”, that is my goal, I cannot truly live a loving life, nor have a deep prayer life when fear has a strangle hold on me.
So in order to have a wholesome prayer life, courage is needed. Courage to face my fears, and my problems whatever they may be, and to trust that the love of God is not in any way affected by it since He sees it all anyway. When something hiding in darkness is brought into the light, it loses its power to influence and control me. The shackles are loosened and drop off, freeing me to fly into the arms of a loving Father.
Edith Stein
08.11.05 (5:57 am) [edit]Homily re Edith Stein – August 9, 2005
(Tuesday Morning)
We reach out for life in many ways, seeking the good, seeking some lasting sense of happiness. We look to others for that. The need for the comfort afforded by friendship is with us at a very early age. And it is hopefully with us our entire lives. To lose a desire for friendship is to close off something irreplaceable in human life. A lot of suffering is caused by turning to other places in the hope of assuaging loneliness. It is said that God seeks us in friendship. Today the church remembers Edith Stein. She was a Carmelite nun, a convert from Judaism, who lost her life in a concentration camp. She was a brilliant woman who longed for the presence of God. Her doctoral dissertation was on empathy – how to inhabit or understand as best as possible the inner life of another person. She would live and deepen her research through a life of prayer, scholarship, the fidelity of friendship. Those who knew her recalled her generosity in the ways of friendship. In the excerpt from her writing given us by Chaminade early this morning, she wrote of the importance of bringing to the events of every day the sight, the love, the ways of God. Christianity gave her the means to befriend all of life – in all its light and darkness. Each day brings with it many calls to a change of heart. I like to think that another way of saying this is that each day is an invitation to befriend God by befriending life. And that means that we are called, each day, to do what we must to best live as brothers and sisters. If there is a mind to God, and if it is possible to find an emphatic entrance to the person that is God, that entrance is through each other. We are not only an image of God. We are as well somehow the doorway. Jesus said that the way to life is narrow, and only a few find it. It is not easy to love each other as brothers and sisters. It is, as Edith Stein wrote, easier to spin in our own orbits. We know that terrible things happen when men and women no longer seek the narrow gate. When the friendship asked by God is denied others, there is bloodshed and loss of life on an unimaginable scale. Unless we live as sisters and brothers, we perish. The gospel is that clear and simple. And, horribly, so are the consequences of not taking it to heart. Something of Edith Stein lives in those who do what they can to befriend God by lowering the walls we erect between ourselves. She is a saint not only because she gave her life. She is as well a saint because she taught us what we can do with our lives, in and through the most ordinary of days. We may not be called to martyrdom, but we are called to laying down our lives for each other so that we might find each other. The gate to each other is empathy – a desire to see deeply into the life of another and to love what one finds. And how near that gate is, if we really want to find it.
--
James Stephen Behrens, O.C.S.O.
All about me?
08.10.05 (4:24 pm) [edit]I h