I have been interested in God all my life and as far back as I can remember, trying to develop some sort of relationship with this greatest of mysteries.....which is common enough I guess in the over all population. As we age our understanding of God and our inherited traditions can change and deepen or wither and die, I suppose it mostly depends on our earliest experiences were and how we dealt with them. In any case not to move forward is to either slip back or to push off in another direction altogether.
Many people as they get older seem to move away from the "God" question and just live out their lives and follow whatever religious tradition that they grew up in. This can be a very good thing since it gives them a place to work from, and some direction on how they should relate to others, and also insight into the problems that come up that is common in all of our lives....also it needs to be mentioned that their faith gives them, and I guess all of us, a real sense of community and support, which goes a long way in helping deal with the ups and downs of life. So their faith is the background on which they live their lives some on a deeper level than others. However not much reflection is done by most in this group since the questions that they had are answered and nothing more is needed....which can be a good thing if they don't become too narrow and dogmatic in what they hold to be true.
Some grow in becoming deeply rooted in their faith path, through study, and are a great help to those who need to understand certain things about their traditions; these people can be good spiritual directors to those who wish to grow in their relationship with God by using the theology and tools used by their particular faith expression, and can also be a support when they enter the "dark night of the soul" experience and need to move beyond a static idea of God. They are deeply anchored in their faith and through their mediations and prayers grow into very wise and caring people.
Others who study become more "liberal" I guess..... don't have any other word for it.... and they try to incorporate their learning and experiences into their faith tradition. They may be less literal in their interpretation of scripture, become more inclusive in their understanding of how God works in the world, and because of that they my seek support from like minded people from other traditions who think along the same lines as they do. This group is also more open to doubt and use it to deepen their faith, and while it tends to be very broad in scope they still identify themselves with the religion that they grew up in.
Others move away from their religion altogether and become "spiritual" and draw from other systems of spirituality, or become agnostic or atheistic in their understanding of how the world just "is". These people can at times be difficult to dialogue or debate with, since 'some' of them have moved in one of those directions because of their past experiences, which causes them to remain closely chained to their past by their anger or strong negative feelings for the faith of their youth. Funny how anger does that, we would like to flee what angers us but in the end that strong emotion is the deepest kind of intimacy, not much different really from love at least in its binding power. I am not downplaying the pain that these people go through and I hope that those who find themselves in this dilemma will be able to find peace and healing. I suppose most of us carry some wounds from our past association with our faith, so it is easy to have compassion and empathy for those whose wounds go so deep that it has driven them away from their particular childhood religious community.
Now those who take the above path out of true conviction usually are easier to talk to and are more open to dialogue since they do not carry the anger or wounds that keep them bound to their past. The may still be knitted to the faith community of their past in some way but not chained.
Now I know that people cannot be boxed in to simple groups like the above but I think for religious people one of the above may be the main focus on their unique faith journey. I don't think one is better than the other since God's grace is operative and growth happens, just in different ways. The problem comes when the above groups cluster and look down on the others, for it is a common human fault to try to find some way to shine above "those others" who are not following the true path. This is a shame since balance is needed by all and one way of doing that is too simply to listen and learn from on another.
Really all it really boils down to is different personality types and also past experience etc. I don't think we are all that free to choose on how we relate to the world and others (though I think we have the choice to grow in understanding of others or choose not to), so it is useless to denigrate others who are different than I am. It all comes down to being able to ask the right questions and being able to listen in the right spirit, so to speak. Of course this is easier than it sounds and I do fail sometimes, hence the reason for this post, since I am writing about my own issues in some of my post and I suppose this is one of them.
Peace
Mitch
God,religion,tradition,spirituality
11.30.04 (8:28 pm) [edit]8 of Pentacles in the tarot
11.30.04 (4:00 am) [edit]8 of Pentacles
Pentacles in the tarot represents the earth; being grounded and centered, focused and not scattered. I like this suite the best since it is that part of me that is the least developed. I tend not to be aware of my surroundings, not very observant at all, though getting somewhat better at it as I get older....at least in my opinion, however some of my friends may not agree with that statement.
I am sort of a global type thinker, good at seeing the big picture and even good at ideas, but it is in the working things out, the nitty gritty that causes me trouble. I find it tiring to do detail work but also it is very fulfilling and when I actually do it, I feel very good and grounded, centered.
The 8 of pentacles for me is the simple art of learning by doing one thing at a time without any rush and when finished then going on to something else.....now for me that can be a challenge for sure. There is a part of me, the inferior function in Jungian typology that needs to be developed if I am to become a more integrated person and that part is the sensate function which is represented by the pentacles suite in the tarot. I think it is also in the inferior function that we make contact with the divine, or perhaps give the divine an entrance into our lives since it is in weakness that I am often reminded of my need for grace in my life.
In writing I am finding out that I need to spend more time focusing on the details of my writing and trying to learn something about it one thing at a time or one thought at a time. I re-read some of my post in my other blogs "talking to myself" and "debate" and was faced with the fact that I am not a very good writer and need to ground myself more in the present when I write. I was tempted to redo all of them but came to the conclusion that it is better to leave it and then sometime in the future I can compare my old writings with my new and see if there is any change or improvement.
One thing about being grounded and focused is that I need to make writing an end in itself and not worry about how I am coming across since that would again cause me to become unfocused. When I first began to write I had trouble putting down all the thoughts I had on any one subject since I had trouble slowing down enough to simply put one thought at a time and then developing a post; still having trouble but it is much easier and hopefully it will become easier as time goes by.
peace
mitch
First day in school
11.29.04 (4:17 pm) [edit]First of all let me make it clear that I never liked school, for me it was something that I needed to get through on a regular basis knowing that one day there would be an end to it. I was also a lousy student, perhaps it was because I belonged to a large family and the chaos and noise that goes with belonging to such a family did not allow me to develop good study habits. Perhaps I just did not like others telling me what I had to read and learn, so maybe I was rebellious in a quiet sort of way, or again maybe I was just a lazy brat......probably all the above.......but I think it started on my first day of school, so lets go back to 1954 when I began my journey to higher learning.
I was scared, really scared on my first day of school. Luckily my older brother was a year ahead of me, so I had someone to go to school with and was not alone in my sojourn into the broader world outside my home. The school was named "Good Shepherd" and was run of course by nuns who belonged to an order of the same name....the school was small and had only three classrooms on the south side of the hallway. The first and second grades where in the first room, 3 and 4th in the second and well you get the picture;it went to the sixth grade. So my next to the oldest brother was in the same class as I was and my oldest was in the 6th grade in the last room.
I remember my brother introducing me to some of the big kids in the second grade and one of the boys asking if I could run; well let me tell you I was never very good at running. My brother said sure I could run and he turned to me and told me to show them my skills at moving at great speeds.....wanting to make a good impression I started running so hard that my feet hit my butt, now that must count for something right (?), well I don't think I impressed anyone too much but at least I tried. I had the impression that they were under whelmed by my efforts.
The first hour in the class was interesting, we were given our seats and then given our supplies which I thought were cool; pencils, paper all in bright and interesting colors. After that we were all asked to introduce ourselves, so one by one we stood up and gave out our names...well most of us did, but I didn't, I stood up and well just 'stood', I forgot who I was, my name did not raise up to notify my brain which was in a state of shock, so I think sister might have thought that I would be a good candidate for special class or something. She finally coaxed it out of me.... as you can see I was doing a great job at making good first impressions, it is a gift I have, rare no doubt but still a gift. Then we go out to recess and there is when my first day in school sort of plotted my course after that. We were playing kick ball and I went after the ball, running hard with my feet hitting my butt (go figure) and just when I was about to kick the ball I slipped in...ahem....I can't say this delicately....dog shit, it was all over my backside; a good beginning, I felt so blessed.....well I stayed calm, threw the ball back to the team and disappeared for about twenty minutes; the exact time left for recess. I tried to get the stuff off of my pants, I rubbed my butt on the grass (my butt comes into play a lot doesn't it) trying desperately to get the smell and stain off my pants. Luckily no one saw me so I had something to be thankful about. Recess was over and I went back into the class room and quickly sat down in my chair and thought or fervently wished that it was all over....nope......after about 5 minutes someone said that something really smelled and everyone started looking around the room and I joined in looking as well; I was not going to raise my hand and tell everyone what happened now could I? Well I was found out anyway and the sister sent me over to the convent and they gave me some pants to wear while they washed my own. So my first day of school was an interesting day over all, if not much fun, and it took awhile before my beloved classmates let me forget it...... and dear teacher for awhile kind of smiled when I came into the room for the next couple of days, you know the way people smile but are really trying not to laugh; got that from the other sisters also. I bet they had stories to tell each other in the evening about the interesting things that happened to their students. So my school career was marked from the beginning by dog shit and I never got over it. Of course I think it is very funny now, time has a funny way of doing that making embarrassing moments from the past funny in the present.
Peace
Mitch
funny thing about writing
11.29.04 (2:15 pm) [edit]Funny thing about writing, at first it seemed easy then as time moves on, when I try to write, all I experience is sort of a void inside when I sit down and attempt to put my thoughts in order. I don't think this is because there is not a lot of 'stuff' for me to write about; to sort out so to speak, for life is a splendid thing offering me the chance to experience, to grow and learn.... and also to write about it all, well at least some of it..... but because discipline is needed and of course that takes work doesn't it(?), then it takes a certain about of dedication to continue in this endeavor, even if I will be the only one reading what I write. I am not lazy but I have been known to lack discipline in certain areas of my life; perhaps another as just shown up that I need to work on.
I suppose that anything in life that is worthwhile needs discipline to keep it going, and I do mean anything. I am no writer but I find it helpful in my life, therefore in order for it to continue to work for me I need to learn to use my energy in such a way that it will help me to accomplish my desire to 'just' write and nothing else. Not to worry if anyone is reading me or not, but to just do it (!) as they say.
So much of each day seems to be just like the one before. Like at my place of work..... I love my job as a caregiver but there are days when I must push myself to do the best job possible for those that I take care of. If I won't or can't then it would be impossible for me to have any kind of career doing anything in my life. Now just doing nothing and being lazy is really harder, at least for me, than actually working or doing something creative and useful no matter how hard it is to do it, for after all we are all meant to do something, to do our best no matter what the obstacles are that we encounter, large or small.
Many years ago when I was in my mid 20's I worked in construction for a short time. I had a low paying job just cleaning up after the construction crew for 8 hours a day and yes you could call the job boring. One member of my crew spent most of his time trying to get out of work, moving around hiding from the boss etc. Now from my perspective he was making his day a lot harder, would have been easier if he just worked, just did it and went home at the end of the day. Well he was fired in a few days so the problem was taken care of for him, he did not have to work anymore or worry about being caught; he just had to do it for free I guess.
So writing has taken me to a place where I need to slow down a little and take one thing at a time to write about, to delve into and to see what comes out of it for me. So hopefully I will be able to write everyday a small post that will bring me closer to coming to some kind of understanding of myself and my life.
Peace
Mitch
Charles and other things
11.29.04 (3:09 am) [edit]Went to the doctor yesterday with one of the men I take care of. His name is Charles who is 92 years old, in a wheel chair and can sometimes be a real crouch, but over all I love spending time with him. At this time he has a skin cancer on the top of his head and I take him in every Thursday for his radiation treatment. The treatment takes about 3 minutes; waiting to get in for the treatment about 2 hours, at times. It is a great office to be in since the Doctor and staff do everything they can to make the visit as pleasant as possible, and the people who are patients do a lot to support each other, so there is a lot of laughter and sharing. There is one woman there named Ann, who is short, plump and a true joy to be around since her humor and good will towards others really make the place shine. I am constantly amazed at the courage and grace that I see in those around me and in their ability to reach out to others and make a difference in their lives.
For some people when tragedy strikes they become bitter and withdrawn and refuse to move beyond that point, making not only their lives even more miserable but also for those around them. While some move beyond it and become a light for others, by their humor, compassion and empathy, that can develop in those who either have a serious illness or have recovered from one. Ann seems to want to bring at least a little joy into peoples lives and I am sure that her goodness does make a difference in the lives that she touches.
People often think that humility is something that makes us meek and quiet and always telling everyone how little or worthless or unworthy we are! That is not humility..... humility is a virture that is based on being able to face the truth about ourselves and to not back away from it. I suppose being sick is quite a test, and also for those who are caregivers since they see both the best and the worst of the one they are taking care of on a daily basis. Yes taking care of someone is a very deep and intimate relationship that can bring healing to both parties because of the need for understanding and forgiveness on both sides, since the strain of caregiving and the stress of being taken care of can stretch both parties to the limit. Once forgiveness and empathy enter a relationship it is hard for that relationship not to deepen and grow, since both parties will have plenty of times to practice it! Empathy allows one to see the other side and by being able to do this makes forgiveness easier than it would be otherwise....well maybe forgiveness is not possible unless humility (self knowledge) come into the picture so understanding is possible. In any case being a caregiver has been a challenge for me and a real blessing.
Charles for instance has had a very hard life and when I learned about it, that knowledge went a long way for my understanding of some of his behavior patterns. One side is a very gentle and kind, almost royal in the way he talks and writes and treats others; because of that he is well loved. It is another story for those who live with him and are his caregivers. He can be a tyrant, and he finds it impossible to admit that he is wrong on any subject or will not take responsibility for just about all of the things that he does that cause pain to others; because of that he has been a good teacher for me. I have had to deal with a lot of anger and power issues with him and so he has been helpful in helping me come to terms with power and control issues, which a lot of caregivers I know, who have told me that they have to go through the same kind of thing. Control freaks for the most part do not make good caregivers since the stress that arises from control issues is a battle that can't be won.....people can't be controlled since they will always find a way around it.
I don't judge people (or at least try not to) by their more unpleasant traits, since I consider negative behavior comes from being fearful and angry, from a place where the personality is constricted so to speak and goes into either a defensive or offensive way of relating to the world and others. It is like one snapshot that does not give justice to the over all person and does not take into account the complexity that he or she is. When Charles is not being defensive or offensive he is like a flower that is open to the sun and he becomes a "subject" of great beauty and wisdom; the flow is open not closed and those around him benefit from his love and often the wisdom that he shares. I have found the more I don't try to limit his negative behavior.....(well we do talk about it that is true).......the better he seems to become and also easier to deal with much more of the time.
I don't know what Ann is like when she is at home with her husband. I bet he sees another side from time to time but I can see a great deal of love in his eyes when he talkes or just jokes with her in the office. I would think for a relationship to be loving after many years of marriage takes a great deal of patience and listening from both sides. Loving marriages or good friendships are not an accident,they become that after some blood, sweat and tears; with a large dose of forgiveness and understanding thrown in for good measure. Any relationship worth having will need to pass through different crisis situations, and by doing this it deepens the humility of each party, and each is accepted at a deeper and deeper level. If this does not happen either the union dies with anger and hurt on both sides, or perhaps it continues on a shallow level with neither party ever really getting to know each other. This is not always bad since relationships like this can serve a real purpose and need in ones life; not every relationship can develop into a deep and trusting friendship nor should it. We can all be many things for each other and be the better for it.
peace
Mitch
blogRus
11.28.04 (4:19 am) [edit]It is interesting this blogging, I find it exciting to do and the format makes it very easy to deal with; all in all a very good thing. From time to time I hear from people that the internet has caused communication to break down among people and that it is making us more and more isolated and unconnected with each other. I can understand how some may think that way but I do not. What is happening is that we are finding newer and more creative ways to keep in touch with each other, and not only with those in our immediate circle but in an ever widening connection with people all over the world through the internet. This blogging phenomena that is taking place is a good case in point . It is also exciting to know that people will be reading what I write down and some may even come to my blog everyday to see what I have written; I know that I visit certain blogs that I like and get something out off; so our ability to share ideas and thoughts is expanded greatly and I think that we support one another in sharing our thoughts and experiences we are all enriched.
I have joined discussion groups that have helped me immensely in learning to express my thoughts and beliefs to people from different cultures and religious backgrounds. I have debated with people from Russia, China and Israel and also people from many other places, and this exchange has for the most part been very enriching for me. E-mail,I-mail, video mail are great and I can't wait to see how all this develops in the near future.
Yes, I know that there is a down side to all this but that is to be expected since we do not live in perfect world, and even before the net communication was not always that great. At least now we have a much broader choice in deciding with whom we want to communicate. Blogging is good because it is a community that allows us to slowly to get to know each other through our post, and also to be exposed to other thought systems can only lead to tolerance if some openness to learn is present.
Some people will use the net to only be with those who agree with them and not challenge the way they "group-think", well that is their loss and I feel sorry for them since they are cutting themselves off from an expanding community were ideas and experiences can be shared and learned from. I don't think I need to be threatened by others just because they disagree with me, and it is often the case that new insights can be gained by listening to others. The mind is an amazing organ and can incorporate all kinds of information that will only enrich and deepen ones spiritual, intellectual and in some cases ones emotional life.
peace
Mitch
Spoke to a friend
11.27.04 (11:04 am) [edit]Spoke with a friend last night who was really upset about the work situation that he finds himself in. His anger was extreme and he was yelling about his boss, that he was incompetent and how he can't get any help; all salted with certain kinds of colorful illusions that I think most in our culture are acquainted with.
There was truth in what my friend said about his job etc., but while he brought in everything that he thought was the problem; and what he told me was part of the overall situation; but what struck me is he did not bring himself into it. Now I do this myself when I am under stress so I am not judging him; since I was not angry I could stand outside so to speak and be a little more objective about what was going on. My friend is a micro manager, who has to be in on every little thing that goes on; he is afraid to leave the work place since only he knows (or he think he knows) how to really run the shop. His boss has tried to help him but it is rebuffed; has tried to get him help that he could train, but they don't last since they feel that they are treated unfairly ,so they go to work somewhere else were their abilities will be used. In other words my friend is the main incident in this situation but because he is so angry he can't see it.
I see this in my friend because it is in me also. I have been there and it is a hard task to be able to get enough courage and objectivity to deal with the problem and to lessen the load that is being carried. He may not be able to do it and in the process be let go of; sad thing about that is that my friend my never understand his part in it and just have to experience it over and over again. Being a victim is hard work, much easier to try to take responsibility and learn, less pain and also the job can become permanent instead of one of a succession of jobs lost because of personal problems that can't be dealt with on a personal level; to easy to blame everyone else.
I hope that he learns, his present boss is willing to work with him.
peace
Mitch
Justice in the tarot
11.27.04 (3:40 am) [edit]The Justice card in the Tarot shows a woman (Crowley deck) focused holding and a very large sword with both hands, she seems to show us someone who is in deep concentration, weighing options so to speak. She seems to have her eyes closed as if she is looking inward and wants to be objective and fair in her deliberations so that she can give a fair judgment. Justice is impartial and looks at the facts without letting emotional considerations get in the way of her carrying out her duties.
Justice is very important to me, but when it is mixed with anger then there can be real trouble for anyone who gets in my way if I have lost touch with any kind of objectivity about the situation that I am angry about. Anger can be used to give me energy and courage to right a wrong, or it can give me the illusion that I am both judge and jury when it comes to fighting what I perceive to be an injustice either to me or others.
Once when I was angry over a situation I decided to meditate on the Justice card and see if I could get some kind of balance by allowing the symbol to work on my unconscious. During the mediation the Justice card opened her eyes, turned the sword right side up and then got into a fighting pose; she then said to me whose head do you want me to chop off!!!! I replied no ones; she smiled and said yes justice is not about revenge or attacking but about balance in making judgments about someone else, she then returned to her original pose.
Justice is a hard virtrue to develop and I am still working on it after all these years, and hopefully I am getting a little better at it as my live moves on. It is not easy being around someone who is angry all the time, who feel that their anger gives them the right to decide the rightness or the wrongness of any given situation, and people rightly avoid such individuals since they only bring discord and fear into any given problem that needs to be dealt with. Like I said anger can prompt us to deal with injustice but the danger is that even more injustice will be brought into the world if constaint along with self knowledge is not used.
peace
Mitch
they just don't get it
11.26.04 (6:31 pm) [edit]I think one of the reasons debate is so hard to do, and often involves feelings of frustration coming into play, is that often I (and others?) feel misunderstood,or perhaps the person I am debating with comes across as just not getting it...also I have a feeling that this is not uncommon; so I am not unique in this, since I to get reactions from others, who more or less feel the same way about me when debating.
I think the above reactions are based on reality, what is not realistic is my getting frustrated, since that is based on a desire that is impossible to attain; that being my own system of belief, and my reasons for believing it, will be understood on a level that I desire.
I know that I can also come across as being someone who 'just doesn't get it" from those that I am trying to debate with, even with the best of intentions of trying to give my opponent a fair hearing. One way that I know this is that I am simply told, or another that leads me to this conclusion, is after I answer them, they respond that I did not answer their question, or that I even tried to avoid it. I guess I have to come to the realization that sometimes this happens and perhaps it is impossible for either one of us to understand the other; so frustration is avoided by simply excepting that reality.
Some atheist no matter how hard I try to communicate with them, nor how well, will still think me sick with some kind of mental illness, because of my faith. So be it, such is life and we all get it from time to time be we atheist, theist or some belief that is different and totally unique. I know that some theist will give no truck with atheist and have their mind already made up on who and what an atheist is; so I should not be surprised if I run into it with an atheist once in awhile.
Of course I need to learn not to go places where I am not welcomed. Some groups are made just so like minded people can get together and discuss topics in peace, so I can expect to get rough treatment if I go into such an environment. Of course some types love this kind of exchange, and I guess that is why debate groups survive so the fighting and word slinging can go on. I think that most moderates from all angles of the political or religious spectrum, for the most part don't get involved with debate since they just want to be left alone, and really aren't interested. For my part I think I got into this kind of communication genre in order to learn to be able to write more clearly about my beliefs, and I think I still have a long way to go in that regard.
peace
Mitch
:evil: :evil:
Just the rightPhrase
11.26.04 (2:15 pm) [edit]Just the right Phrase
Life is full of little surprises for me, like when an event will happen that on the outside will seem very common and ordinary, but in my inner world cause change; that will cause me to pause and reconsider my life and how I deal or relate to it.
Such an occasion happen to be about four years ago and was brought about by Edmund one of the men that I help to take care of. Edmund is a little man who when in top health probably only weighed about 110 pounds at the most. I had the privilege of knowing him before he came to the home that I work in and I always admired him for his ability to see and also to create beauty out of the simplest objects. He was the kind of person who can get a stick, an acorn and rock and then arrange it in such a way that real beauty is created...... very zen so they say. He was always very quiet and only said what he felt was important; also his humor was of the driest variety and he would always leave them laughing as the saying goes. I speak in the past tense, not because he has died but because his dementia has taken away much of those precious gifts that he shared so generously with those around him, but he is no less loved for that.
One day he gave me a gift by something that he said to me, that like I said above may not seem like much to those who read this, but the influence of his statement is still a powerful force on how I see and live life. It was about four years ago when he still had his wits about him and I joked with him about his not being in a hurry to die since he is really a man of great faith and love of God. He looked at me, smiled that smile that can warm a cool breeze and said "life is so short that we need to hang around as much as possible"; he then told me that he loved his life and while not afraid of death was in no hurry.
For some reason that statement really hit home since it made me understand that life for all its ups and downs is really a great gift that really is very short, and by that fact it should be embraced and lived to the fullest. I am still young enough (56) that I can take my health and vigor for granted and not really appreciate how wonderful it is to exist, to stand out, to be able to perceive and learn and laugh and cry; to love others and to be loved back. True there is suffering and I and I guess we all go through, but that is part of our journey and if I can accept the good in life then why not the "bad" and painful that comes along from time to time.
My faith tells me that God is not 'out there' watching me from a distance, but truly with and in me making the journey with all its ups and downs and twists and turns and asking me to embrace life and those that come into my life; to not be afraid of love or pain when it comes; God is provident but not always protective and the ups and downs of life no matter how painful or confusing are important. So yes why should I be in a hurry to leave this life, I will leave it soon enough. These past 56 years when meditated on seem to have past like a short dream and I suppose the 25 or 35 years that I might have left will surely pass even more swiftly.
Edmund meanwhile warms the hears of those who know him or meet him for the first time by his warm smile that can warm a cool breeze.
peace
Mitch
listening continued
11.26.04 (9:27 am) [edit]listening continued
I find it difficult to sometimes to really listen to what the other side is trying to tell me, about their personal reasons for thinking or believing the way that they do. It seems that if all I am thinking about is my answer and if I am formulating my answer while my partner in debate is talking ; or if what I really want to prove is how smart I am then I am wasting my time and also the time of one I am debating with. I sort of go back and forth with this; some days I am on and others days it seems impossible for me to listen; being tired is part of this but I think 'fear' has something to do with it as well. I think one of the most common delusions is the belief that what I believe is really in some way 'the truth'. I suppose as long as I don't try to communicate with others then I won't be challenged; or if I only deal with those who already agree with me then if I am challenged it may be because of some nuance of what I am saying and not really my belief, so my ego is spared. When someone presents to me a world view that is alien to me, or perhaps I read something of that nature then; I can sometimes go thru a period of feeling unsettled and out of sorts.......I have learned that by simply staying with this feeling or perhaps it is an emotion not sure; I find that I will slowly return to peace but with something new added on. It is not always apparent actually what that add on is but later sometimes much later I will find that while my system of belief is in tact it has changed and grown and I find myself better able to deal with other points of view and find that I can learn from it. Each persons point of view is something that has been worked on; not always on a conscious level ,but by the simple of act of trying to communicate can deepen ones own understanding of what they (I) really believe and lead to appreciation of other points of view. Also doubt can be found out to be a friend since it does cause one to ask other questions or to try to communicate ones beliefs along different routs. I suppose that the way a question is stated is also important. One day a child came in to my place of work and presented me with a question about my faith that was in reality a very simple question but I found I could not answer it. It was something that I was never asked and the way the question was phrased really threw me. The parents stated that the child did that all the time with adults. Language is powerful and the way it is used can lead to friendship and deepening understanding of the thoughts of others or it can build up walls that will be almost impossible to scale. It takes a certain trust to present ones views that are dear to others and that should be respected. peace mitch
listening
11.26.04 (3:05 am) [edit]listening
It amazes me how hard it is for me to listen at times to others; how strong my defenses are when I am not centered and somehow think that I can really influence others to any great degree especially when it comes to personal beliefs. When I am tired or stretched then that is not the time to debate or to even attempt to open up any kind of communication with someone with a different perspective on life. If I don't at least start from the stance that the one I am attempting to dialogue with actually has something to teach me then that is a good reason not to start, why bother since I am stating from a position of a real lack of respect for the sincerity of the one I am debating with. If I have no respect that will come out in the way I respond to any statement that I do not agree with. It would seem to me that the questions asked by someone who does not believe can lead me to try to answer questions or to think along different avenues that I have tried in the past; this could be good and even refreshing. To be able to state my opinion from a position of respect and listening may only be helpful to me since the one I am debating may not return the respect I am showing; well that is his or her problem and not mine, none of my business on how they treat me; my business is on how I treat them and if I fail to do my best then apologies are in order; this also is to my benefit I think. peace mitch
early times
11.25.04 (2:16 pm) [edit]I suppose like most people a lot of my struggles (with my anger for instances) have their roots from my childhood or even from when I was an infant. I do have memories from being in the crib; in fact one of my earliest memories is lying on my stomach and my mother trying to give me a bottle of a juice of some kind; I think it was apple and I kept shoving it back out, it was to sweet for me I guess. I can say that I did not like being little, being picked up and put down somewhere I did not want to be, not allowed to go where I wanted and also just being small; never liked it and I would never want to go back to that....Never.......I seem to get happier as I get older, even with all the aches and pains.
I do struggle with anger and I have a handle on where a lot of it comes from; yep from my 'early times' before I was three years old or perhaps four; well it has to be both since what I am going to write about lasted for about one year; at least that is what my older brother of about 7 years told me. I suppose many people suffer abandonment issues that have their root in early childhood;that really has to happen since parents do have to go away some time either for business or just to get away from the kids ; so no one is at fault. However for the child it can be very painful and traumatic to say the least.
When I was in my two's and enjoying the close relationship that two's have with their mother's ; before the 'me's come on, if you know what I am talking about; parents know for sure of that I have no doubt. Well I suddenly felt that I was torn away from the world of warmth and security and plunged into a cold dark uncaring world with me at the center being very much confused and afraid and yes angry, though the confused and afraid parts had the death grip on me so to speak. It was like I became hyper self-ware in just a matter of moments or perhaps hours when it sunk in on some level that the warm presence was gone and as far as I was concerned gone forever. I was placed into a foster home by my parents for a time, about a year more or less. My parents were having trouble making ends meet and they needed someplace for them to place the children till they got back on their feet; their intention was good but the affect it had on me was anything but. Well maybe some good came from it; the sudden isolation made me hyper-self-aware and I suppose my intuition took quite a leap since I needed some why to survive in this situation. Of course I was not in any real danger but try to tell a two year old that who is suddenly "torn" (at least in my mind) away from all it warmth and security, its god perhaps since my whole survival depended upon mom. Now a year is a long time for someone my age at the time, a year is one third of my life so it seemed like a very long time endless.
My parents would come to visit and bring gifts but I remembered that I would not respond to the advances of my mother I was not that bonded to my father at that young age so I do not really remember him that much, he was just in the background. She would try to coax me with gifts but I would not even look at her, in fact I did not want to experience any of her warmth since I knew that the cold afterwards would be worse, I was adapting and did not want to have to start from zero when mom left with dad. I really remember only one day that was not gloomy and that was the day that I learned to half-tie my shoe laces, my memory is me sitting on the curb in front of the house and the sun was shining and I was happy because I was able to half solve the mystery on how the hell they tied my shoes. I also remember that I would at breakfast always throw my jelly under the picnic table that we used for meals and it would always fall face down; that would drive my foster mother crazy since she never learned who did it. I was being unfair of course but what does a 2 year old know of justice. I have more memories but why bore anyone with them; it was all in grays anyway, all color drained from them, sort of like looking at black and white photo's or watching a black and white old movie.
A few years back when I was in therapy for a short time to find some way to deal with the anger and rage that was beginning to take a toll on me; this period of my life (early times) was dealt with and I spent quite a lot of time discussing it. I really knew that my anger came from that period but talking it over with someone was really helpful and I feel the benefits to this day. One thing that did come out of this is that I found that while I was angry I could not blame my parents. I think part of my anger is that sometimes things happen to us that no one really is responsible for; it is just part of life and we have to find some way to deal with it. I suppose it helped that my parents after they brought us home never did anything like that again, they were always there for us, so that did bring some healing to me even at that young age.
So while I still deal with anger it is not the same as it was in the past. I feel more at home with it and anger is also a positive tool to deal with injustice; it gives me the courage and energy to be able to deal with world in a constructive manner. Undirected anger is not good since it really never deals with anything constructive but in the end only makes others uncomfortable or even afraid and I don't want that.
Anger can be a form of temporary insanity if allowed full rein so for almost all my life I have tried to direct it to constructive instead of destructive goals. The trick is not to be afraid to seek the root of anger and that is the beginning of healing; name it and tame it.....Corny I know but true.
peace
Mitch
Just things ??? Continued
11.25.04 (9:33 am) [edit]just things??? Continued
just things???
As I was thinking about my last post (the one next in line) I had to smile at myself since I fell into one of the habits that I often hate when I either read some article or am hearing a homily.....it is when I feel that the author or speaker should be speaking about him or herself .....starts bringing everyone else in by bringing in the "we's"; you know "we do this" or "we do that" kind of thing. Here I was talking to myself about not seeing what is simply in front of me and I had to bring in just about everybody else in the whole world; I guess I am not too comfortable with my being out of touch with life so often and needed some company. I suppose that is unfair since I am sure that there are many people, perhaps the majority who do a much better job at living fully and being in the moment than I do.
It really is impossible to 'really' judge someone else. I suppose I can look at certain actions that another person does, or perhaps the way that someone speakes or treats others and come up with some kind of judgment on them but it would not be one that would carry much weight at least as far as I can see. Each person carries within themselves years of history that incorporates not only their upbringing but all the joys and sorrows, the betrayals, losses as well as the loves that they have experienced; that is a lot of material to go thru and I suppose I would have to go thru all of it before I could come up with a judgment that just might be close to the truth.
One of the reasons I have so much trouble communicating with others is that my life experiences are so unique and complex (the same as everyone elses) and the way I process that information is what makes it hard at least for me to get my point across; sort of like people can think they are truly communicating but in reality are talking about apples and oranges. That is why people are so wonderful and should be loved and cherished; each is a whole universe of information that only need the right questions to draw much of it out.
Once in the airport I was laid over for four hours and during that time I had the luck of meeting a very nice little old lady who lived in the deep south and lived in a trailer park. We sat and talked for about three of the four hours and I was amazed at her life experiences, her wisdom and the depth of her faith in God. She was not highly educated and was very ordinary looking but when I talked to her I found that there was nothing ordinary about her. When we parted she told me that she never shared that much before and said that it was the questions that I asked her that allowed her to get in touch with her life and what she had learned in a way she had never done before or even knew that she could do it. She had it, and lived it but just never spoke it. Now I guess if I missed the opportunity to really try to get to know her I would be the poorer for it. Just think the world is full of people like her; the richness of her inner life is common in the fact that each person most likely has just as much richness to share as she did, to bad that I often pass others in life and never spend the time needed to ask the right question; or perhaps I don't give others the chance to ask me the right questions either.
Jesus stated that whatever we do to the least we do to him; now that is a very interesting thought and I think I will try to dwell on that in my next post.
peace
mitch
just things
11.25.04 (9:30 am) [edit]just things???
just things???
I have a good friend who has a great love of plants; he has one plant that is his favorite, not because it is the most beautiful but because it will only bloom once every five years or so. When the time comes for it to bloom he will invite over some of his friends who love plants that way he does and they have a party that revolves around the plant and stay up all night to watch it bloom. Now the plant is not all that impessive to look at, it is quite big and mostly white but it is because it only blooms once in a great while that makes it so important to him. It seems the rarer the flower the more he seems to appreciate it along with his friends. He has more beautiful flowers but since they are 'common' (so to speak) they don't catch his attention the way this one flower does.
Rarity, special-ness.....perhaps these mean the same thing as the word sacred since sacred means something set apart or out of the ordinary, something perhaps that is really seen and is experienced as sort of a doorway out of mundane reality. I suppose it is in the seeing that we can experience life in deeply moving and profound ways when we deal with world around us. Now let us go back to the plant that blooms only once in a great while; suppose this same plant bloomed six months out of the year and was very common, in other words cheap so many people could afford it......what happens? Well nothing really as far as the plant is concerned, it still blooms and and has the same flower; the difference is the way it is experienced or looked at. Because it is common it special-ness is bleached out of it and it becomes just a 'common thing'; it loses it ability to transport many people to the realm of having a sacred experience. Why does this have to happen, why is it so easy to take everything for granted that we consider common or everyday? Does this not take away a great deal of joy that we could have if we were aware of the beauty and sacredness of all things in the world; why do we have to lose something that we own before we appreciate it? There is so much joy in being present to what is in front of us, to savor its beauty, its form or taste and texture. To hear music and experience how special it is and not allow its common-place-ness to distract us from the joy that we could receive by just being aware of what music is and where it comes from and most importantly were it can lead us.
Our ability to adapt to our surroundings is a great gift since it allows up to survive the ups and downs of life but the down side is its reducing just about everything to the level of being taken for granted. I suppose the same thing is true of our loved ones; we forgot how unique each person is, we forget that we are here for a short time and that our loved ones may precede us in death. Why wait till they are gone before we start to find real joy in their smiles, humor and talents; life is rare and lasts but a short time but we can often act as if we have all the time in the world; well we don't. So begin to live, open your eyes and rejoice in life, the ups and downs and also rejoice that God is one with you in that joy but also in the pain a suffering we all go thru. The most sacred thing in the world is you and all those other unique people that fill your life be they loved ones or strangers that you meet on a daily basis. I suppose that I am really taking to myself in this since if I did not have trouble experiencing life on that level I would not be writing about it.
peace
mitch