Good friends

What is life about?

I know so little that is true,
the older I get the less I seem to understand,
suffering is one such event in our lives
that can be a torment for many.

Is life about something,
or just a lot of fuss over nothing important at all.

Are we here for a purpose,
or just an accident more or less,
here one moment and then gone into oblivion
for eternity the next.

If there is something about life
then I believe it is sacred
and everything must be done to help others,
relieve their suffering
and allow them to die with dignity,
according to the dictates of their religious
or philosophical beliefs.

Others can't choose,
we all have the freedom to do what we want,
so to think about what we actually want and believe
is perhaps one of the most important projects in our lives.

We are human,
intelligent, self aware,
capable of complex thinking,
we can reason.

We don't feed, we dine,
we make love and don't just mate,
we don't just growl but talk and write poetry and music,
we seek that which eludes many of us,
so we search,
we are not in a comfortable niche,
we seek to expand and learn,
to grow,
and many of us
believe we have souls
made in God's loving image.

No one has the right to decide when another one dies,
but all have the right to compassionate care
and loving attention.

Jerome
(What is good for the goose, is not good for the gander)

When taking care of the elderly it is quickly learned that each case is unique and what works for one patient, is useless for another.  I suppose this can seem obvious but it is something that has to be learned over and over again.  Some people are more assertive in how they deal with their life, others much more passive.  There is also passive-aggression which is the hardest to deal with.  Then many are a mixture of all the above, which can make taking care of them very interesting and at times frustrating.

Jerome is one of those people who have two speeds:  slow and stop.  He is also highly introverted and can at times be impatient and demanding, though it does not happen very often.  He is one of those people who is just happy to be still all day and either read or watch some DVD’s.  He is at this time bedridden.  We have had therapist come in to help him get stronger, but he will not do anything on his own.  He seems happy being the way he is and so we do the best we can.  We watch his diet; he has diabetes, which can get complicated at times.  He has lost about 40 pounds in the last year and this has an affect on the level of his blood sugar.  We are having some trouble keeping it from going too low.  We cut his meds by three fourths of what it was, but it can still reduce his sugar level too low, which worries me.  Without the small dose his levels get too high, so we juggle it, watch closely and hope for the best.  So far it is working out fine.  We have some glucagon, just in case.

Apart from feeding, cleaning etc, he needs little attention.  His moods are usually good, though when he gets impatient he can be a problem.  I have talked with him about this and it helps a little.  His world is small, just his bed, his books and DVD player, and he likes things to be the same for the most part.  He tends to hoard and I work with that with him.  For instance, on some days, I use disposable plates for his dinner.  He likes to keep them; “I may have use for them someday” he tells me.  So I let him know that he can save them, but when the pile got a little high, say over 20 saved plates, I may get rid of a few of them.  He agreed to that.

About a year ago I had to clean out his room.  There were piles of boxes, each filled with ‘something’ that he thought he may need some day.  So when it became apparent that he was bedridden, I consulted with him and we discussed his ‘things’.  He finally agreed to let me clean out his room.  I know it was hard for him to accept, but he understood that he will not need 95 percent of the ‘things’ he has saved over the years.  There were lots of containers filled with little ‘this and that’s’, some I saved others I threw away.  His tools, which I saved and gave them to the department here who could use them and they were happy to get them…. it seems you can never have too many tools.  It took me about two days to clean out the room.  I saved his books and a few other things, so now his room is neat, sort of.

Because he sits in one position and does like to move, we are paying close attention to his skin health.  We are doing our best to forestall bedsores.  He is having some trouble, but we keep him clean and dry and we let him know when he needs lie flat in bed on his side.  As long as he does this we will be all right.  I had to scare him about getting bed sores.  I showed him a picture and that convinced him to do what we ask.

So with Jerome, unlike others here, it will do no good to push him, but to encourage in ways that we can.  I find it amazing that he is happy just to stay in bed and read and watch DVD’s.  Not sure I would be able to do that without getting very frustrated.  So what would be good and helpful for some, for Jerome would only be harmful and cause him undo stress.

Like the others, I have grown very fond of him and I guess we get along very well.  Even when I have to be strong with him, again which is very seldom, it does not affect our overall relationship.

All I can do are little things

I worked a very long shift on Sunday; William was in a good mood, though quiet.  I got him up without too much trouble.  At times it can be difficult and  it is then that I wish I had a couple of extra sets of arms.  It gets done in any case.  I got him into the sitting room and put up at the table.  He loves coffee, black and we put “thick it” to try to offset any aspiration, which can lead to serious complication like pneumonia.  I made him some waffles and sausage, which he likes and ate most of it.

So I sat next to him and made some wrist rosaries out of black cord.  I am trying to make a hundred of them for the Eucharist congress in June.  It is restful making them, and sitting with William made it even more so.  There was music and he seemed to look up and stop what he was doing to listen to some of the words.  He eats slowly, sort of like a mixture of show and tell and play time, all rolled into one.  I have to watch his drink; there are times when he will just tip it over and his food (?), well he can do all kinds of interesting things with that.  I put a bib on him and then put a cover over his lap.  There are days when about a third of his meal ends up there. 

Luke was also in a good mood.  He ate well and then looked at some newspapers and after a short time, he usually falls asleep in his chair.  I don’t say anything until he starts to lean way over to his left.  So I wake him and he goes off to have a long nap.  He will soon be 101 and is of course slowing down.  At this time of his life, he tends to focus on certain things and then gets anxious.   He was worried about a dental appointment.  He did not know the date, and almost got frantic, until I called Rose our nurse and she let me know the date; not for a week yet.  He is a sweet man, loves to talk and make people laugh, which he is good at. 

I made about 15 wrist rosaries and felt good about that.  Having to make a hundred sounds like a lot, but if I do just six a day that is 42 a week.  I am trying to do more than that, but at least six.  Other people like them and I am happy to give them away….I feel connected to those who wear my prayer ropes around their wrist.  I guess I have been using them for about 20 years and giving them to others, selling a few well for about that long.  I prefer to give them away.

Time seems to really speed up when I am working in our infirmary on a quiet day.  I love that, it makes me wonder about time and just exactly what it is….fat chance I will ever find out.  It is amazing how an hour can seem like a minuet.  At the end of a long day, it seems like a dream of sorts, though of course real.

All I can do is do little things for those I care for.  Make coffee, bath, and feed and try to talk, even if the communication is not based on words exactly, but just being present.  I love the men I take care of and am still not sure how I feel when they die.  I get an empty feeling and then feel a bit scattered inside.  It could be because the last few days of their lives can be a tad exhausting.  The connection is so strong that nothing else seems to matter.  As I walk down the hallways I pass rooms that have had those that I have taken care of, loved, argued with and sat with when dying…..the place can feel haunted, but not in a bad way, it’s just what is.

 

Do it, I dare you

Before you die
face one fear that you never have,
just do it,
you may be surprised.

Speak your mind out loud,
be kind but truthful,
it just may extend your life.

If someone takes advantage of you,
taking you for granted,

well

learn to say no, gently but firmly.
It is your fault after all if people walk all over you.

We create ourselves for others by what we say,
and also by what we don't;

when honest,

the creation of self for another
can be a revelation.

To believe in new beginnings

What we seek most
is often the hardest to accept,
the heart withdraws in fear
when the warmth gets too great,
when the gates are open
and inner fears exposed,
past hurts and betrayals remembered.
so much trust is needed
to believe in new beginnings.

God's love,
the hardest of all for some,
to believe in such a reality
is beyond belief,
do we dare to believe
and allow that love in?

To believe in new beginnings.

To believe in new beginnings

What we seek most
is often the hardest to accept,
the heart withdraws in fear
when the warmth gets too great,
when the gates are open
and inner fears exposed,
past hurts and betrayals remembered.
so much trust is needed
to believe in new beginnings.

God's love,
the hardest of all for some,
to believe in such a reality
is beyond belief,
do we dare to believe
and allow that love in?

To believe in new beginnings.

My child

My son,
my child,
all of my children,
if you only knew,
understood,
my infinite love
your would die of joy.

I hide myself for that reason,
so that you can live out your lives.

All that happens,
be it pain or pleasure,
sadness or joy,
is important,

Know this

I suffer and rejoice with you,
every human being I see as the only one,
experiencing their suffering,
deep pain,
and agony of their deaths,
yes because I love

I feel it all without release,
for I am one with you all.

In the end

They will feel my eternal embrace.

Choices deeply hidden

We can only give what we have.  Choices are made often at such a deep level within the soul, that they may not be understood, or known, to be choices at all.  We are told things about ourselves when young that influences our options…. even if they are often hidden from our conscious minds.   I think most of us have cycles in our lives that can bring great pain and suffering.  Unless it can be understood that we all play a part in our sufferings, that we are not just victims…. it is only then that the slow process of healing can begin.  It is not easy, but easier than being passive and just floating along the current that we find ourselves in.  Taking responsibility for ones life is not about piling up guilt; it is about having the understanding that the path is open, grace available and perhaps life is about just that, facing problems and moving forward.  This takes self-love and respect and yes faith, for the journey for most of us (if not all), is difficult, lonely and hidden from the sight of other.  When this is understood, we can then learn to love and have empathy and compassion for those we live with and meet along the way.  When we grow in love of self, we then can love others from this well of an ever expanding ability to love.  We seek to love and support others, allowing aspects of self concern that keeps us isolated, to dissipate and we begin to find that we are loved in return.  Love freely given and received;  for the reward of love is to simply grow in the ability to love and receive love more….self knowledge frees us from the pain of judging others, which is self wounding and keeps us from union with those around us.

It sounds so easy

It sound easy when stated,
to forgive and love,
have compassion and empathy...

however in reality,

the soul must often sweat blood
and call on God from the depths of inner choas.

A life long journey

What is solid and secure

My line of work will not let me forget,
that the center that we stand on,
that feels so real,
is made of sand that allows all to sink into,
each moment becomes a memory,
racing towards a seeming infinite past,
our moments gone before we actually can experience them,
micro seconds at the speed of light
making all seem like the past.

Dream like our years fly by,
though real they are,
our life filled with meaning
making each tiny free choice important,
as we move towards the time
when we will disappear beneath the sands,
born into a reality more real
and eternal.

What is solid,
secure,
trustworthy against all odds,
is the the "Yes"
that God revealed
in Jesus Christ,
 has for all,
drawing us all into the deepest mystery of all,
that our hearts deepest longings
point us to.

The funeral

Malachy lived for 99 years and ten months.  He had few illnesses, and he only needed full time care for the last week of his life.  He had little suffering, just some terminal agitation that we had meds for.  Before he died he told one of the monks how beautiful the grace of God is and how happy he was.  He also raised up his arms in joy.  This was unusual, for he was a man of few words and slow to respond when asked a question.  He was well loved and helped many people during his long life.  Steve a good friend of his gave a short eulogy for him.  He said one thing that touched me deeply, this is a paraphrase.  "Malachy raised my heart to places I never thought possible".  I think many would say that about Malachy.  His was a life well lived and a man of deep and humble faith.  He will be missed by many. 


What do you say about a life?

There before me the remains rest,
an empty shell once filled with life and warmth,
now at peace seeming to sleep,
the years remembered now perhaps a blur,
except for smiles and laughs so easily loved and cherished,
kindnesses given and received,
the wisdom shared in true humility
and simple patience that was Malchy's gift
given to all who were lucky enough to know and love him.

Luck, skill and surety

From time to time I like to play Spider Solitaire.  It involves both skill and luck.  I can find myself stuck and it seems obvious that I will lose.  Then I keep looking and eventually find a move, and suddenly things begin to fall into place and I win.  I have played games in which it seems like I will win, every card I need seems to pop up when needed, but even if I am very careful, there is one card that I need that is not available and I lose.   Sometimes skill is simply not enough, luck is needed. 

I don’t like casinos, but on a few occasions I have gone to a couple.  I find them too loud and their bright colors disturbing.  I take a certain amount of money in and play it out.  Let’s say 40 dollars.  On one visit, my 40 dollars went up to 300 dollars. I guess I was on a roll. Then that streak ended and I left with 150 dollars.  If I played all of it, then I would have left with nothing, unless I got another streak; which I doubt.  On most of my visits, I go through the allotted money pretty fast and I am out of there in about an hour.  I play the slots, a game of pure chance, no skill needed as far as I can discern.  I remember one time I went by the dollar slot, and just dropped in my coin and won 50 dollars; I played my last dollar and came out ahead….well I would have if I left it at that.  I lost that in about 15 minuets.  A little bit of luck does not go far in a casino.  The last time I was in a casino was about 10 years ago, not sure I will ever go back to one again.

In real life, we may ‘luck out’ in finding a good friend, or someone we would like to spend the rest of our lives with.  To have a good friendship or marriage last, is not based on luck but on hard work. Relationships just don’t grow on their own; they can stagnate very easily and eventually suffer a slow death.  The first glow fades pretty quickly and I would say the majority of relationships die out from not being given the chance to deepen.  Skill of any sort; be it on the job, or with others, takes conscious thought…. to run on automatic can lead to trouble.  Listening, learning from mistakes and being able to make restitution are all needed if real growth is to be accomplished.  

The same goes for the spiritual life.  God’s grace has nothing to do with luck, since it is open to everyone.  It is how we consciously choose to respond that is important.  At the beginning of the spiritual journey we can seem to be filled with peace and delight, but that does not last.  The desert experience takes a certain skill and also the need to confide in others.  To glide along, is to just live on the surface of life and our relationship with the Infinite can be truncated and even die.  Sort of like any worthwhile relationship, a death to a way of life that is self centered and perhaps lonely needs to be worked through.  This often involves facing certain fears and pain from the past that can keep us living a life in the shadows.

Any kind of relationship; be it with the Eternal, or with other people, is impossible if absolute surety is demanded, for that is impossible in this realm that we live in.  Faith and trust are both needed…. without that we can find ourselves in a very small world filled with tight corners. 

Why do we hope?

I was sitting today thinking about the past,
not my past,

no, 

the far past,
thousands of years ago,
so many lives,
lived fully,
over in a flash and mostly forgotten;
it makes me wonder,
what is left for us after we ourselves go?

We to will be looked upon as ancients,
a culture now lost in the sands of antiquity,
their anthropologist poking among our ruins,
our names forgotten,
all of our fears and anxious concerns gone.

I wonder at times why we bother,
perhaps it is because we believe there is more,
or hope there is,
is that not what faith is about,
making a choice to trust and move forward,
believing all this,
our process of living and dying,
actually has meaning?

Even if we know we could be wrong?

Why do we hope?

Maybe we do because we are responding
to an invitation to simply trust.

Those who disagree 

Words can be used in interesting ways.  For instances, it is common to call those who don't agree with us either stubborn or narrow minded, and those who agree with a certain point that is agreed upon,  open minded and intelligent.  Anyone who belongs to another group, be it in politics or religion or some other philosophical school, is often viewed from the observation of the worst in the group disagreeing with us.  Conversely, we tend to judge our own tribe by what is best, often downplaying or overlooking what is unsavory, for it reflects back on the whole group.  I do it all the time, seems very difficult to overcome, or perhaps it is just one of those life long endeavors that most of us seem to be involved in.  We can make others the trash receptacle of our own shadows, thereby freeing ourselves of the bother of inner reflection and growth.

We all mourn in our own way

When someone dies that is known,
when contact was on a daily basis,
their passing can’t be ignored,
for the space once filled
both in the inner and outer world
is now empty and cold.

I mourn in my own way,
no tears,
just an inner quiet calm,
unpleasant,
that is in fact sadness
for one lost.

I don’t think I will ever get used to it,
this inner state,
but it is life after all,
better to mourn
even if I do it poorly,
than to not mourn at all.

Hollowed

The process of dying can be long and arduous
both for the care giver's 
as well for the one nearing his or her end.

There seems to be a waiting,
a silence that is present,
as if the soul is being hollowed out
becoming free of all that holds it back.

So little we understand,
all we can do is go forward in trust,
bearing with whatever comes
and hopefully letting go
with grace when the call comes.

Currency

Loves currency is simply time spent with the one loved,
be it with a friend, wife, or ones children,
and yes with God,
excuses not to give this attention
shows perhaps that the love is not so deeply rooted
as one might suppose.

Though this is not always true of course. 

Envy

If you don't have it yourself,
then don't try to stop others from experiencing its joy.

What grace is?

There is little I understand at all,
our most important questions go unanswered,
we walk in a fog much of the time,
yet I trust that life is about something more,
that what we see and feel and experience
is just the tip of something bigger,
though the road to discovery
is often painful and fraught with pain and sorrow,
yet I see beauty as well and my longings
calling me to go deeper.

Perhaps that is what grace is,
the longing that calls us to keep searching.

Those before us

People are mirrors not always pleasant,
we can only interrupt them
by what we have inside,
our past also we carry with us,
allowing misinformation to be the norm,
long bridges hard to navigate,
though we should not give up the struggle
to see,
listen,
and to understand
those before us.

The more we understand ourselves,
we will see more deeply
into the hearts of others.

A deepening of faith

To fear new input that can change one belief system, especially if it make it deeper and broader, can be frightening and many turn from this.  Anxiety is normal when a world view is being challenged and moved around a bit....by being patient things will settle.  No need to react, just let things sink in.  Our faith needs to deepen as we age.  One way for it to deepen is to understand how little we actually know.  This can take us deeper into our faith and help us to embrace a deeper trust in God's presence and love.  Those who fear doubt, or a deepening of their faith, can come across as angry and rigid, which I believe is a fear of ones own doubt. Doubt is a normal part of faith.  We either study and ponder, or we just walk away.  To ponder is the way to enrich ones life and the lives of others.

 
BRAIN WARS (reviewed on March 15, 2012)A neuropsychologist argues that the time has come for “an expanded model of reality” that takes into account the separation of mind and consciousness from the brain. Beauregard (The Spiritual Brain: A Neuroscientist's Case for the Existence of the Soul, 2008, etc.), an associate researcher at the University of Montreal, cites examples to set the stage for his conviction that “mind and consciousness are not produced by the brain.” He gives examples of the placebo effect and the use of neurofeedback to train the mind to control brain functions, and he rejects efforts to map areas of the brain to mental functions by the use of electrical stimulation and other methods—he deems these to be reductionist. To support his contention of the primacy of mind over matter, Beauregard describes the apparent effectiveness of black magic on victims who believe in the power of spells. More controversial are his contentions about extrasensory perception. He reports examples of out-of-body and near-death experiences, which he interprets as proof of the existence of the soul and its life after death. He also discusses clairvoyance and precognition; he writes, “no current theories in physics, psychology, or neuroscience can explain them convincingly.” In the author’s view, a scientific paradigm shift is on the horizon, and he states what he claims to be definitive proof that under certain conditions “telepathy does occur.” He cites an experiment in which participants in different rooms were shown the same four pictures. One made a selection and the other guessed which one was selected. In one third of the instances, the second participant chose the correct picture, beating the “odds against chance beyond a million billion to one.” He does not entertain the possibility that the experimental design was flawed.
Proponents of the author's new-age beliefs will be intrigued; others will be more skeptical.

Review (Amazon.com)

About the Author

------------------------- ------------------------- ------------------------- -----
Pub Date: May 1st, 2012
ISBN: 978-0-06-207156-9
Page count: 256pp
Publisher: HarperOne
Review Posted Online: March 5th, 2012
Kirkus Reviews Issue: March 15th, 2012
http://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/mario-be auregard/brain-wars/" title="http://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/mario-be auregard/brain-wars/" target="_blank"http://www.kirkusreviews.com/...
 

Seeds

We all plant seeds in the hearts of those we meet. 
They may not come to fruition quickly but may take years. 
We show Christ to others by our compassion and understanding of the human situation. 
We take on the heart of Christ and find ourselves slowly not judging others,
but simply loving and accepting them. 

When we truly experience mercy, it is then we can give it to others. 
We also benefit from the seeds that others, even strangers, 
who plant seeds in our hearts as well.

Fullness of life

When we strive to have a relationship with God, the different shades in how we view the world change.  The more deeply rooted we are in Christ Jesus, the more we feel our hearts changing, as well as our perceptions of those around us.  Be they strangers, friends or family members.  They become walking mysteries, deep, complex and wondrous.  Slowly the realizations bear fruit that we actually do touch Jesus when we interact with those around us.  We learn to see with the eyes of Jesus, love with his heart and our arms and legs becomes his. 

The deeper this insight sinks in, the more we begin to understand that when we pray for others, or just ‘be’ in the presence of God, we sense that we bring all of humanity with us.  None of us goes to heaven alone; we bring each other along, as well as those we have not yet met.  Allowing the heart to expand into this mystery deepens ones experience of life and we find that joy and happiness come unbidden at ever deeper levels.  Even when times are dark, we find that our rootedness in Christ remains.  It is as if God clings to us and not vice versa…..which is in fact true.  All of our responses, no matter how weak at times, or erratic, are in fact a response to an invitation initiated by Christ.  We are the ones pursued. 

The more we looked to Christ Jesus, the more trust we acquire; the deeper is our ability to let go of that  inner cringing, that lessens our ability to enjoy others and life in general.  We are called to fullness of life. A death to a way of life that is self centered and anxious, to a life of forgetfulness of self and deep inner joy and freedom, such is the healing power of grace.

The most important time of all

I am giving a talk today on "life after 50".  I find that as I age, apart from the health issues and the aches and pains that come with it, I am happier than I have ever been.  The less time I seem to have, the more I enjoy life and try to get my value's straight.  Cultural pushes towards happiness, don't seem to work, unless it is a push towards love of others.  Perhaps when we as a culture learn that we are actually pilgrims here, on the way to something else, maybe then more time will be spent in encouraging others to live that reality out.  Aging takes on a different tone then.  We are here for a purpose, so each stage of life is important.   Perhaps old age, the one that seems to be feared by many, may be the most important time of all.

Called forth

We can only start where we are at,
no sense in longing for something else,
each day, no each minute and second,
we start anew, the horizon is always open,
though to believe this or to take advantage of this reality,
is difficult beyond words at times.

The hand of mercy is always stretched out towards us,
even if we can't clasp, we are held gently
by such a love that if we could experience it for a second
we would die.

The darker the times,
the deeper the hope and trust
called forth in faith and hope.

You never know

Some people take a gun to their heads and pull the trigger,
I have such a friend who did this a few days ago,
a man of great intellect and faith,
beat down by the ravages of depression.

He lived through his attempt,
now struggling to get back together,
surrounding by friends and family,
and yes prayers and love.

None of us knows what we will face in the future,
yet I believe he nor anyone else is ever alone,
when the dark waters rise,
and they sink,
when their will is gone,
and rational thought impossible,
it is then that God is near,
though I wish I could understand
what the hell is going on in this dark,
broken, messed up world.

The woman in the nursing home

Her name is Alice,
perhaps in her eighties,
could be older,
she was small and frail,
gentle smile,
kind eyes,
just a loving presence
giving off warmth
to all who pass by.

Others were attracted to her;
her door was always busy with visits,
or with those who just sat to be near her.

I always greeted her
on my way to see Aldo,
she gave me a gentle smile
and I came to love her.

One day I stopped and we talked,
 and I said to her: 

 “You love everyone don’t you?”

She responded without being self conscious:

“Yes that is the truth, I do”.

I responded:

“Your soul is too big for your body”

She laughed and smiled at me,
her eyes saying yes.

It was just a fact with her,
this place where she could accept everyone,
embrace them with her smile
then allow them to simply be.

In a place were many were alone,
she is a simple comfort to them,
it was easy to see,
as they simply sat
outside her door and she just being with them.

.

Stay open

For those who stay open to love,
who strive not to run from the cost,
find in time the path broader
than they thought possible.

The heart expands into the infinite,
an unending journey
that starts in this life;
seeds we are,
planted in death
bearing fruit into eternal life.

The reward for love and trust
is to simply love and trust more more.

Why I stay

People sometimes wonder why Catholics stay in the fold after so many scandals have been committed lately. The pedophiles cover up being the most recent. Well why not ask United States citizens, why they remain Americans citizens when the corruption of our politicians and government is common knowledge? Why do people still believe in the family, when in fact a great deal of harm is often done in family situations?

Perhaps it is because scandals are not allowed to take away from the purpose of the above very human institutions. I will focus on why I remain in the Church. People don’t stay because they overlook the evils done by the church. Those who follow any faith with a heart hungry for God and truth stay because they receive a kind of proof. Their faith simply ‘works’, they receive a response when they search for God. I will not allow the failures of others to drive me away from a path that I see and experience as one of truth. Human weakness and yes evilness is a given. I see it in myself and don’t know how I would react, if a great deal of power were given to me. Perhaps no one of us does. The sacraments, liturgy, devotions and my reading of scriptures are healing realities in my life and in the life of many Catholics. So why leave? The more I learn of my own inner struggles has led me to not be shocked at the failures of others. Though I can be saddened and angered over the pain such failures cause.

Many do leave and I understand that. For some it may be needed. For many however it is based on a lack of understanding on how broken we are as a species. In leaving they are cutting themselves off from a deep rich tradition, that many millions have found healing and life giving. The anger last, so in the end their relationship with the church is still deep, painful and life consuming for many.

My turn

I received quite a surprise this Holy Thursday.  I noticed that my heart rate had been slowing.  I tend to be like a rabbit in many ways.  I use the Rabbit analogy in how I experience myself.  My heart tends to have a fast beat.  My mind races, not so much in lots of directions, but it seems to make lots of jumps and makes too many comparisons for others to keep up with me.  It is not that I am smarter, just run at high speed.  I eat fast and talk, I am told, rapidly.  Even when in top shape in my younger years, my heart rate never went below 70.   The week before Holy Thursday I was very fatigued and found myself breathless if I walked very fast, or attempted to go up stairs.  On Holy Thursday my heart rate was in the 30’s and 40’s.  So I had a John, a good friend drive me into the emergency room at the VA hospital, here in Atlanta. 

Of course with my symptoms I was taken back at once and put in a room so that they could monitor my heart beat.  I was dizzy and slightly nauseous.  I have no complaint about the Atlanta VA.  The doctors come from Emory and they also bring their students in for experience.  They did not know how serious my problem was, or if I needed a Pace Maker or not.  So I was admitted. 

The room I occupied was empty at first but I soon got a room mate.  His name of Eugene and he was a cook at one of the Restaurants at the Atlanta, Airport.  I like cold, he liked hot, so he had the room at 75.  After about an hour of feeling like was going to suffocate, I asked him if I could turn the temperature down a bit.  I exclaimed my intense discomfort n a room that is blowing hot air.  He nicely agreed.  After an hour or so I asked how he was doing.  He said he was fine, but I could tell by his position in bed that he was cold.  I explained to him that I was not using any cover and would be honored if he accepted my blanket.  He said no, but I told him that I will not use it; I find the room just right.  So he agreed and I covered him up. I felt bad about asking him, but once he was covered he slept very well.  I also had the window view and could see a bit of Atlanta’s skyline.  The floor was quiet, though of course we both had to be monitored.  So I can’t say I was able to get any real rest while there.  So many beds, so little rest; not a complaint, the care is needed. 

On the second day it was decided that I would get a Pace Maker.  The lead doctor, after looking at my EKG’s, decided that the stress test that they were going to give me was not productive.  So I as scheduled that day for the operation.  I was happy, because if not that day, I would have to wait until Monday for the procedure.  When I was taken down to have the pace machine installed, I was surprised that I was not nervous.  In the past, the slightest medical procedure would make me tense and anxious.  So I was happy about the change. 

They gave me some medicine to induce twilight sleep, but it did not work very well.  So I remembered the whole thing.  I think the medicine was called ‘Verside?’&nb sp; The only thing it did was to make me slightly more nauseous.  They used a local pain killer around the Pace Maker sight.  There was some pain but it was bearable.  I felt like a lump of dough being kneaded and made a statement to that effect.  They laughed and said they understand for they had to push hard to get the Pace Maker in Place.  It took about 30 minutes and I was taken up to my room.

I did have some problems while there.  My blood pressure became very high after the procedure and I develop a severe headache.  Starting at the neck and then ending up in the top of my head.  I felt like someone thrust an ice pick into the area.  I would slowly build up to an 8 or 9 on the pain scale.  If it ever got to a 10, I think would have got up and ran around the hallways screaming trying to get rid of the pain.  It was constant.  They had some strong painkillers that I could receive every six hours.  The meds worked for four hours.  I would receive two tablets at once.  On the second morning I asked the nurse if I could just take one and then in four hours take the second.  He was kind enough to do that.  However I found that I really hate narcotics.  They make me woozy and depressed.  So I asked to be switched to Tylenol.  A mistake, for I thought I would get two tablets every 4 hours.  Instead I was getting just one every six hours.  So I had a very bad 24 hours.  I was surprised at how afraid I became and how difficult it was to keep my body from bolting.  I knew I was going to be ok, but the chronic pain, without my being able to take my own over the counter pain medicine was difficult to handle.   When the doctor came I explained my problem and she told me that many people come in with Tylenol toxicity, so they were hesitant to give too much.  When I explained my pain and how I could not eat because of that, she became concerned and authorized me to receive two at a time, though only every six hours.   I was thankful that she listened to me.

I was supposed to go home on Sunday, but they said they had to keep me another day because my potassium was too low.  So they hooked me up to an IV and started it.  Later in the afternoon they asked me if it was ok to move me to another room.  My other roommate left earlier in the afternoon.  I said yes of course.  My new room mate was named Spike; he was 68 years old and talkative.  He was a smart man and I enjoyed listening to him. About an hour after getting settled, I was told that I could go home if my potassium level was at a certain level.  So I called Method and asked if he was willing to come and get me.  He said yes.  My level was up and here I am at home.  I felt bad about Spike though and thought I should have stayed another night.  He was there for eight days and he seemed to like my company.  To say I am happy to be home is an understatement.  It is nice; it will take about a week for me to get back to normal.  I like being by myself.  I am not a rabbit then.  I slow down, mind gets settled and I even eat a bit slower.  So solitude is not only good for my soul but for my body as well. 

Holy Thursday

Holy Thursday is when for many Christians, Jesus instituted the Eucharist.  A sacrament that shows the absolute intimacy that God has with his creation, presented to us in sacramental form.  It is a controversial sacrament and many mock it.  For Christians who belong to the Catholic, Anglican and Orthodox traditions, however it is central to their (my) worship and devotion.  Bread and Wine, something ordinary and common, yet it becomes under that form, the Body and Blood of Christ.  It is very un-spiritual and for many and seems unenlightened. Yet it shows for those who believe the oneness and love that God has for us his children.  I can’t explain it really.  The church uses the word “Transubstantiation ”, meaning that the substance is changed but the physical qualities remain the same.  The only way to perhaps understand is to live a Eucharistic life, to experience the healing and power that comes from the devout receiving of this precious sacrament. 

Our faith is all about becoming more human, not less.  It is love and the sacrifice that love demands that makes us human.  It is not power, which seems to be the driving force of most of what goes on in the world and causes so much suffering.  To control, shame, to coerce and punish, is the way that the world acts and the church can often fall into the same traps, which is worse really and only opens itself up to well deserved scorn and derision. 

Jesus also washed the feet of his followers.  An act of great humility and love, showing us something else about God’s love and humility towards his creation (just as the Eucharist does); taking the form of a servant he showed the 12 the meaning of true spiritual leadership.  Jesus tells us it is about service, love, humility…. the will to power has nothing to do with the kingdom of God.  I am neither humble nor as yet a servant, and I am still in the grip of wanting to control and make the universe revolve around me, it is second nature.  I believe that this reality, points out for me, why the death to self is necessary in order to attain the freedom to become free and loving children of God. When I ponder this, I understand the need of the incarnation, death and resurrection of Christ, though the mystery of it all is still far from my understanding.  I just try to live it, fail, but it does not matter, I just get back up.  I am quite good at that, getting back up.

The price

In this world of endings,
there is always a price no matter the course,
love has its demands,
as well as those who do not love.

Death is also impossible to ignore,
for in love we die to that which blocks it,
in un-love we cling to what destroys any other life,
one way is chosen,
the other endured.

Jesus shows us the way of love,
to chose and walk in compassion
for those we met along the way.

What will it be?

To know that choices can be made,
new paths taken,
opens up vistas never seen before.

The Holy Spirit is 'Yes".

Our fears,
doubt's and self-depreciation,
and our resentments,
are the ways that we block these gifts
always open to us.

No, it is not easy,
though easier than not choosing life;
humility is simply knowing ones need of grace.

Those in our lives who love us,
are one manifestation of grace,
it is all around us,
look, learn to see,
and again
trust.

Sounds easy
(Tuesday of Holy Week)

It is normal to lose perspective in just about any human enterprise.  For those on the spiritual path it is no different.  The more important the venture, the more scandalous when failure happens, as it is shown today on how people look at ‘religion’. The Christian religion in general and the Catholic faith in particular and with good reason I believe.  There is a lot to resent and to be enraged over in how those who lead us, fail, and what makes it worse, try to cover it up.  We lose sight of the tree, the one thing in the forest of any spiritual path that is necessary.  In the Christian faith the one thing necessary is this:

To Love the Lord your God with your whole heart, your mind and soul”

….sounds easy I know, but I have yet to achieve it ‘perfectly’.  I can love God with my whole being as far as I am able, hopefully that openness to grace and the mutual relationship that is present, will allow that acclamation of love to deepen a bit each day, hour and minute.  When the relationship I have with God and what that means in how I relate to others is lost, then there is only trouble and failure.  The one thing necessary is lost in secondary imperatives. That in the end become central and spiral off into rigidity, self righteousness and an inability to show the love of Christ to others. 

In Holy Week we are invited to see how Christ Jesus kept the one thing necessary before his eyes at all times, even to his death.  For to keep the first commandment leads by necessity to the second: 

“To love ones neighbor as oneself”.

Jesus did that perfectly and paid the price by refusing to retaliate.  He healed the servant of the High Priest when his ear was cut off in the Garden. He forgave Peter his lack of courage and when he died, he asked the Father to forgive all, saying, “for they know no what they do”.  Yes Jesus shows us what it means to love.  He took on our lives, pains, failures and yes our death.  He shows us what it is to be truly human and that we are truly responsible for others. We are in fact our brothers and sisters keepers.  I can’t say I understand this; it is an ongoing mediation not only for individual Christians, but also for those imparted with authority within the church. 

It’s nature

Love by it’s very nature takes on the burdens of other’s,
not out of compulsion but of simple solidarity,
for to truly love others deeply,
love of self is also necessary, which flows
from the experience of oneness with all,
in living fully the human experience,
of love, hate, fear, failure, pain and yes
the knowledge of death.

Christ calls us to become his heart,
in a world often cold and cruel,
to stop spreading ones pain onto others,
but to learn that pain is common to all,
and we are called to heal one another,
allowing our hearts to expand:
one with the heart of the Father,
revealed in Christ Jesus.

The journey for most
is long, slow, and arduous,
filled with failure,
no matter,
just get up,
and continue;
trust.

Human weaknes

The more we love another, the greater we fear their loss.  I often wonder how the apostles felt when Jesus told them of his impending death.  Jesus was a man of great charisma, depth and yes, love.  Men can love deeply another man who has great leadership abilities, who at the same time comes across as seeing and knowing the men that he leads.  It also brings to light human weakness.  For when the time came, those who said they loved him ran away in fear.  Peter denied him.  Human weakness will always with us.  We can give up in disguest over this, yet Jesus continued, died a horrible death and in the end showed that his forgiveness was always there.  Mercy is given because all is known, nothing hidden from God, we judge because we know little. 

Our journey and Holy Week

The human journey is often a difficult one. With stops along the way, of true joy and hopefully of love, that rejuvenates us.  In the last week of Jesus’ life, he knew what was coming, was distressed, but still believed in his Father's loving presence in his life.  His humanity had to deal with all the anxiety that went along with this journey.  He did not try to escape but went forward in faith.  All of us will have our 'Holy Week' as well, as our Gethsemane, with all of its physical, emotional and mental sufferings and anguish.  Many cry out that the cup be lifted, but it seldom is. When our time comes for the journey towards our ultimate Resurrection to commence, it has to be borne.  All the sufferings of Christ came not from some angry deity, no, it was from his human brothers and sisters.  It is the same for us.  He shows us that being fully human is about keeping oneself open, loving and showing mercy, often to those who can't return it.  It is a difficult journey and like Jesus on his way to Calvary, we will fall, but we can arise and move forward once again.  There is no answer that convinces me of the reason for so much suffering in the world, yet I believe that the life and death of Christ Jesus helps to illuminate this mystery for me.....a bit at a time, it is a life long journey of pondering, learning and making the choice to trust, even when things seem otherwise, and it is easier to despair or to let go of faith.  It is about facing life without seeking to escape what comes to us, but move one step at a time, knowing that we are accompanied by the One who went before us and bears our sufferings with us now.  Such is infinite love, who can understand it?

Palm Sunday

Holy Week for Christians is unique to each.  For some it is a week wherein they renew their faith and try to understand the mystery of Christ on a deeper level.  For others, Holy Week is a time of distress; as if a heavy weight has been placed over their shoulders and all they can do is get through the week.  I fall into the second category and I think it is due to the fact that I know, I will never understand this mystery of Christ death.  Perhaps it shows how goodness is often met in this world.  There is a type of defenselessness in goodness, and the deeper the goodness goes the easier for it to be hunted down and destroyed.  There is a freedom that comes with having a loving heart and that freedom allows love to flourish.  A loving heart is not free to hurt, kill, slander or abuse, or if it does, then it is lessened by that.

A wounded and bitter heart also has a certain freedom, possibly the opposite of the loving heart….I think most of us fall somewhere in the middle.  It is the inner conflict that can cause so much pain, since there is no place for rest.  Those who give in to hate are free in a way, though I believe it is one that leads to a dark inner cell.  There is a type of integration that is experienced when someone gives themselves over to their fears, desires, hatreds and rages.    It may be harder to grow towards a loving heart, for I believe it is a conscious and not an instinctive decision.  I believe that we are called to love and that struggle, at least for me has been going on all my life.  I don’t want to be defenseless, so I continue to be in conflict, when it comes to my allowing grace to work deeper in my fearful, wounded and often angry heart. 
 
Distress

Before his entrance into Jerusalem on that Palm Sunday,
Jesus told how deep his distress was to his followers,
for he knew that goodness often feeds the rage of those wounded,
his loving heart made him defenseless against such tumult.

So he entered, we cheered him, waving palms,
he smiled perhaps sadly and with compassion,
for he knows what is in the hearts of men;
the pain, anger, the desires that can drive us crazy
and the rage against God and existence itself,
so filled with pain and injustice.

How easy it is to turn, to embrace the freedom of rage;
to destroy what is good, most human, and to exalt in violence and injustice,
to be caught up in the mob that flows like a river with ease,
until it flows over that which is sought and hated, at least in the moment,
for often after the horror over and done with,
we wake up as if in a dream, appalled at what was done.

The loving heart is a human heart; perhaps that is why it is feared,
for to understand the hell that is often our inner lives reality,
bears a heavy price to be borne. This reality was seen and understood
by the heart of Christ, wounded in love,
for he has no defense. 

The pain of a narcissist
(we all have a tad)

People can be such a bother.  They just won't do what I want.  All I want is to have a trouble free life, have everything go my way....is that too much to ask?  If only everyone would listen to me, then the world would run smoothly because I would be at the center calling the shots....but no.....everyone has to do what they want!  Why do they get upset with me, I have my reasons, which to my mind eyes are very good ones.  It is funny though, how no one else seems to be as insightful and intelligent as me.  Another burden I to have to carry.   No one will do what I want, unless I go through all kind of hoops to get it....so much work and all I get is guff.  Good grief Charlie Brown.

Light

On days of darkness
when clouds are low,
the winds are chilly,
and I am cold and soaked,
to know that the Sun is still the same
shinning strong above,
alerting me to joy,
that hidden flame,
eternal in duration
that never goes out,
fueled by grace working in secret.

Holding out our hands

You don't know the burdens others carry.... we each have enough that can cause us to stumble and do and say things we later regret.  We all want compassion from others and yes mercy; it is in the giving that is often the problem.  When our hidden sufferings lead to compassion, when we see how healing it is  for us to recieve mercy, compassion and understanding, it is then that forgiveness and holding out our hands to others become easier, though perhaps there will always be resistence.

Holding out our hands

You don't know the burdens others carry.... we each have enough that can cause us to stumble and do and say things we later regret.  We all want compassion from others and yes mercy; it is in the giving that is often the problem.  When our hidden sufferings lead to compassion, when we see how healing it is  for us to recieve mercy, compassion and understanding, it is then that forgiveness and holding out our hands to others become easier, though perhaps there will always be resistence.

To full color and joy

There can be pain in waiting,
times slows down and a numbness,
a lack of inner feeling can arise,
though it can be an inner gnawing
bringing to consciousness
how little we can control the simplest things.

It can be a hellish experience,
seeming to go on forever,
yet wait we must,
really nothing to be done.

Waiting for God is no different;
at least on the surface of things.

Inner restlessness along with the gnawing
and understated pain,
and colors drained or diluted
by shades of gray mixed in….
to seek release apart from waiting
allows the grayness
to become darker,
colder,
more demanding
for escape from an absurd moment,
which is believed and felt to be eternal.

Just sitting,
not fearing the inner tumult
experienced as nothingness,
is to open ones hands,
letting go,
allowing God’s fire
unfelt and unseen,
to bring the grey
and the absurdity,
to full color and joy.

Though in patience
it often has to be endured,
such is the desert experience
common as sand,
yet always new in its sameness. 

To sit in faith and abandonment
is a choice and a deeper commitment
to continue the journey,
made in faith to that which calls us;
a death to the ego grasping,
pretending to be in control.

In the end,

Finding that the void
is filled with light,
healing,
and all the love we seek.

Fully alive

Once a day, try do do something you fear,
be yourself even if you are nervous what others will think......
work towards inner freedom and joy.

The glory of God, is man fully alive
(St. Irenaeus of Lyons)

What makes some to lose faith

Songs that touch the soul,
birds that sing and draw us out,
flowers that bring to mind another world,
pets that allow us  to love without fear,
children that brings smiles on a dark day,
meals with friends that listen and accept us,
wine to make talk easier,
full moons,
rainy and sunny days,
good health,
friends and yes their  love
who are there when health fails,
so many things to be thankful for,
the good things are often over looked,
it is the painful events that stand out
get our attention
and make some lose faith.

Be thankful, give thanks!

When humans fly

Humans fly when they dance,
when the mind is at rest and rhythm speaks,
the blood burns from the beat,
slow or fast is not important,
it is the letting go and allowing the body to move,
to flow and glide,
one with the partner,
time stops,
only the joy remains.

Paradox at the center

The cross is not a sign of contradiction,
it points to truths that are unpalatable,
paradox  at the center of reality,
about life and death,
what love cost and where it leads,
down paths of heart rending pain;
the price of any true love.

God’s immanent presence is too much perhaps,
the cross’s naked truth shows us infinite love,
the cost freely taken and carried
until that revelation of deaths winning
by a slaughter painful and one of shame;
days of darkness, fear and sorrow,
yet it was not the end,
all appearances shown to be false.

For when forgiveness  was granted  to all,
from that place of pain,
then a new beginning was born,
seeds slowly growing,
hampered by man’s fear and weakness;
yet in the end,
the Sun shines after the darkness,
love conquers hate,
allowing our hearts to open to love
of the infinite sort..

 C.J. Lewis argument against God, before his conversion

 My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such violent reaction against it? A man feels wet when he falls into water, because man is not a water animal: a fish would not feel wet. Of course, I could have given up my idea of justice by saying that it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too--for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my private fancies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist--in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless--I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality--namely my idea of justice--was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning."

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity. Harper San Francisco, Zondervan Publishing House, 2001, pp. 38-39.

A saying that changed me

Edmund is a man I have written about before.  He died in 2007, but what he said to me, this unexpected gift has stayed with me and changed some of my persecptions about life.  It may not seem like much to those who read it, but it was the timing, as if I really needed to hear what he had to say.  So one day I was joking with him and said:

"Edmund, you don't seem to be in any hurry to get to heaven"

He looked at me, smiled and replied:

"You know Mark, we are here for such a short time,
I believe that we should hang on for as long as possible.

When he said this I knew it was important for me to ponder and not to forget.  I believe my outlook on life is a balance between faith and doubt and hope and despair.  Life seems more tragic than happy, but I believe that is just part of my personality and I need to ponder the above often.  Yes life is precious and we are here for a short time, no matter how many years we live.  For in the end, we have only now, the same now that will be present when we are called.

Walking the last mile

(an experience at the Atlanta VA)

He walked into the waiting room leaning on his cane, a small man, thin and looked very ill.  With him was a young woman in her early twenties.  He had a beard, well trimmed and in the beginnings of starting to get long.  Unlike mine, which is just long and untrimmed; just the way I like it.  He had a very gentle smile and the young lady with him was very attentive.  We were called back at the same time to get our CT scans.  The bearded man was taken back right away and I was given a very large glass of cold water to drink.  While I was drinking the young woman and I talked.  I found out that he was her grandfather, quite ill and a vet from the Vietnam War.  He was an addict with all the insuring troubles that many addicts have if they live past middle age.  Liver failure, hepatitis C, and Aids, from the use of shared needles.  She spoke of him with a gentle loving voice and told me that he is now off ‘everything’ as she put it.  She seemed happy about that and so did he.  She explained to me; “We know that he only has a couple of more years to live, but we are glad that we can take care of him.  The fact that he is not taking drugs, or drinking, is a real plus for us.”    After her explanation, I was better able to understand why he seemed to smile in such a gentle manner and did not appear to be weighted down by anxiety or fear.  He was surrounded by those who loved him.  He then came back out and they departed.  Before he left he told me that before too long he was going to look like Santa Claus, just like me.  I was so happy for him, that in his last years he was free of the “monkey on his back” and was able to enjoy the comfort and love and yes spiritual healing, offered by those who treasured him.  It also saddened me to think of those who would die alone, separated from anyone to love or to care for them.  To think of a human being dying alone, in some alley, or shelter, with no comfort but a bottle, or one last needle, is heart breaking.  I am not sure life ever has a happy ending, at least from our human perspective, yet to have loved ones there surely makes it less tragic and pain filled.  Death is about being born into a broader reality, or simply slipping into oblivion; in either case, dying is hard business…..let us comfort those on their last mile, for each of us will have to walk it one day. 

Here and now

Gentle self-regard,
is born from the seed of inner struggle,
an inner tension felt like fire
seeking to pull us both ways,
yet in silence and peace
in spite of the inner turmoil,
allows trust to flower and bloom,
taking root in Christ Jesus,
leading to  everlasting love and mercy
that begins here and now.

Here and now

Gentle self-regard,
is born from the seed of inner struggle,
an inner tension felt like fire
seeking to pull us both ways,
yet in silence and peace
in spite of the inner turmoil,
allows trust to flower and bloom,
taking root in Christ Jesus,
leading to  everlasting love and mercy
that begins here and now.

We are called

Years ago I saw a woman with red hair and green eyes,
she was tall and had on a dark green dress,
her long hair sweeping to her shoulders
and oh so graceful as she walked in front of my car,
I stared, awed at such beauty,
she looked over at me, blushed and smiled,
her modesty making her even more alluring,
I was unmade by beauty in that moment,
perhaps a little sight into the wonder of God,
that is experienced in all beauty.

A simple smile,
an old face wrinkled yet filled with gentleness,
eyes laughing spreading grace around,
young children
so fresh and alive, running, jumping and screaming in delight,
middle aged men and women,
burdened with stress from many responsibilities,
jobs, raising children,
yet they continue and do not run a way,
their tired bodies also something of beauty,
for they wear themselves out for those they love.

Tall people and small,
skinny and fat,
each unique, filled with humor
in spite of life's at times heavy burdens.,
and secret sorrows and pains they bear alone.

Yes perhaps God is most met
in the hearts of those who continue no matter what,
who do not give up, even in failure,
but quietly keep the world afloat,
in high positions and low,
no fanfare, just loving service.

Those who don't love, but sink,
become bitter and filled with rage and hate,
those, well, they also show us God,
for are we not the arms of God to comfort,
does not God travel with us to serve,
are we not called to show compassion perhaps to those
who cannot return it......

It is God's love that expands our hearts to heal and serve, 
in ways we perhaps think impossible;
we are called, how do we respond?

Without love all is hollow,
the world plastic, slick, with no warmth,
seeds can only be planted in the human heart
through love if they are to bear good fruit

"So that is what it was like"

We gather as a group in back of the church, waiting for the body to be received.  It is a somber time, the family here, sad, the niece in tears, waiting in silence.  The death of a loved one is never easy, even for those who were not close, still, it is hard to comprehend the ending of a life.  Though not as hard as thinking about ones death.  I have known Ron for forty years, yet soon he will become a memory, then a distant one, though I will never forget him.  I don't think it is possible to forget those that I have taken care of and I am sure that is true for all in the care giving career. There is nothing more intimate than being a caregiver.  You see them at their best and their worst.  Sometimes they get angry or violent even, but it is all understood and forgiven even as it happens.  I also learn from my own failures and struggles how fragile we all can be.

Life is harsh and unrelenting. Slowly for most of us, in rapid sequence for others, we lose everything and then have to be taken care of.  It is our last gift, to allow others to care for us.  Ron loved me and told me so, and I loved him as well.  I see myself in all those I care for, for one day I to will be in their place and I have a feeling that I will spend a great of my time saying to myself:

"So that is what it was like".

Relationship

No relationship is possible, if it has any value or depth at all without some degree of trust.  It can also be said that all relationships that are meaningful will have times of crisis, in which the relationship can either die, or deepen, after a rift has been made.  Those who drop out too quickly, I feel rob themselves of growth in trust of another, which is not only healing, but also enriches life.  With God, it is also about relationship.  Rifts come, sometimes from feeling betrayed by God, perhaps through loss of a loved one, or through personal suffering, or simply put, because of the chaos and pain that is so easily seen in our world.  Again, one can withdraw, perhaps even rejecting the existence of God, or move forward in trust and experience the relationship with God on an ever deeper level.   Those who stay the course are often stymied at the arguments that atheist make about God’s non-existence.  They often sound hollow, at least from a faith perspective and seem to flow from the fact the forgiveness is kept back from God, so any further journey into trust is impossible.  Doubt can be helpful for it causes us to delve deeper in trying to understand, but to reject belief altogether, well one is stuck with ideas of God that are often childish or at the most adolescent.   That may be the reason the atheism makes so little headway in the world.  They have nothing to offer.  I am not saying this out of disrespect for those who do not believe, for it is often a painful choice to make and perhaps many are better with no God at all, than to have the one they have rejected.  Idols fall, if they are not let go of, then we can spend our lives fighting something that really does not exist, for ideas about the infinite or by necessity limited and can imprison if clung to.  That goes for theist as well as atheist.  Believers cause trouble when they also fail to let go of ideas about God that they perhaps do not believe themselves but are afraid to admit.  Fundamentalism can often be (though not always) a flight from doubt, a desiring for answers that perhaps come to easily and lead to just another tribe fighting others clans who are different.  I believe that we are supposed to be kept off balance in this world, to seek, to doubt, to probe and to grow.  One can grow into the mystery or away from it…..I believe it is always a choice.

The fruit we bear

I know I write about time a lot and how fast it goes, but all time does for me is to get faster and faster.  It is strange when those whom I have known for decades are now no more….. well at least as far as being seen and felt goes.  I don't find it depressing, but are we really in a dream (?), though if so, it is still real.  For we love, laugh, touch, help, lift up and yes tear down and hate, scorn and allow others to suffer without a look or thought.  What are we here for?  Some say life is a school, I think I believe that.  However, as important as knowledge is, and I love to study and read…. without the most important lesson, the gift that we are called to accept and then to give; is yes, well.....Love. I think if love is missing, then it is all for nothing.  This causes us some problems (love), since we can’t withdraw into our inner cell without taking everyone with us, in prayer and concern.  As the heart expands, so is out ability to feel for others, which causes pain and at times anguish.  Knowing that we can't save or help everyone is what saves us from burn out and bitterness, for it is then that we seek answers about life.  What we receive may not be easy to except, but in the end, we all have our Gethsemane's. A time of deep suffering and aloneness, in which we learn to say 'yes' to what we don't understand, where all images of God will drop off and we enter the stripping of all that keeps us from the love that seeks us in our life of joy, pleasure, pain and inner suffering.  We are seeds, when we die what we are will bear fruit

The question

There seems to be many who believe that faith is for the weak and less intelligent.  It is often spoken by those who believe that the belief in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny or the same as faith in God.  I find this odd to say the least.  Those who make such claims can come across as either very adolescent in their understanding, or very angry for some reason over the question of God.  Perhaps it is the fanatical atheist who talk this way and the majority or of a more tempered mind set.  In any case, the fanatical atheist more often than not, only add to the number who don't trust atheist in any form.  Which I think is a loss for our culture.  It is the quiet ones who would be the better able to discuss difference rather than throwing insults.  Thoughtful atheist can be a good goad for the faithful, for their insights can be helpful and perhaps liberating.  We often present a God of our own making and then refuse to let go of it.....that is troublesome for everyone.  God is not a object, or a thing, and does not exist in the way that we often think of about existence.  If believers (myself of course included) had a little more humility, then perhaps those atheist who don't like to scream, fight and throw insults, would come out and share and not leave the arena to those who only build walls and cause more alienation to their beliefs.  Atheist have their own versions of the "Westboro Baptist Church" and can cause an increase in antipathy towards all atheist.  None of us like to reduced to stereotypes, but those who make themselves such, make it hard for just about everyone.  Tribalism is alive and well in our species.  It is irrational and only causes trouble.... our history is rife with it and no doubt it will continue into the far future.  Showing contempt for others is the easiest road to travel, it takes no thought or study, but just mindless rantings spoken only to get a reaction with the same exact sentences repeated over and over again........yawn!!!!!!!!!!

Getting used to it

You would think that after being with 40 or so people on their last mile of life... I would somehow get used to their passing.  Not so.  There is always a cold void left, something missing and all I can do is dance around the edges.  My faith says one thing, what I see and experience says another, though faith is never in question, we live in a world of shadows and pain and yes eventual separation.  Faith is in reality a choice.  Life is tragic in many ways, we will all experience it. This  however says nothing about ultimate reality for there are no black and white answers, I just take one step after another and at times, I feel that deep and eternal mystery, in which we will all dive into for an eternal journey, responding to me. I just need to learn to listen, if not, I will miss it. 

When we learn to let go

Goodbyes are hard,
death brings to mind our temporality,
our permanence an illusion
hard to release;
though I believe that we all come to that point
when we learn to let go,
hopefully in trust,
open to the mystery
of life's tragedies and goodbyes.

Longing

We long for what is deep and eternal,
often seeking in ways that only increase our hunger,
our longings are hard task masters
showing no pity,
just pain and frustration
until what is sought is embraced
with all of ones heart,
mind
and soul.

Hope

On the mound high piled with trash,
the throw aways,
all that is broken,
rusted shells of what once was,
amidst all this clutter and chaos
it can be seen,
a red flower seeking the sun,
raising it petals towards life,
growing in spite of all that speaks of death,
decay and endings.

Until it is our turn

It is hard to watch someone suffer,
confused not understanding,
caught in endless thought loops from the past,
thinking I am someone else,
a friend from childhood,
or perhaps from the military,
the mind like a kaleidoscope
endlessly turning with no rest.

Tied in bed,
with nowhere to run,
or turn.

O Lord I wonder why,
but that is ok,
for life goes on,
we all do our best
until it is each ones turn,
to be taken care of
or watched as we hang
between life and death

To love another is to be open to their pain and confusion. Not be afraid of life and the chaos that seems to be part of it all. Our wounds become manifest when we take this road, and in that we become able to be healers of others, we become wounded healers.  Though we need to learn boundaries and our limitations as well. 

Gossip

Gossips are in a great deal of pain, perhaps more than they cause, which is a lot.  To be in the 'gossip' zone all the time takes a great deal of self forgetfulness, though it is not based on focusing on others, it is a lack of being rooted with oneself and looking out to hurt, harm and yes destroy others with whom one is jealous of, or perhaps fears.  It is a destructive road leaving one alone after a time.  For when I am with someone who gossips, I know that it will soon be my turn to have the knife thrust into my back.  I think, most of us, (well I do) fall into gossip from time to time, which is just is very wrong.  It is when I murmur against another that I am the most scattered, angry or afraid of my own inner emptiness and fragmentation.  Perhaps gossip is like taking a drug, might feel ok for a short time, but in the end, there is hell to pay.  The cure for gossip is compassion for self and others.  Self knowledge takes away the 'freedom' to gossip, since we see ourselves and do not need to run from what is there.  We all hate to be the victim of gossip, so perhaps pondering that will keep us from spreading the pain and hurt around.