last post
01.03.09 (5:48 pm) [edit]This is my last post here, if anyone is interested my blog can be see at this addrdess:
http://360.yahoo.com/" title="http://360.yahoo.com/" target="_blank"http://360.yahoo.com/markdohle
Just trying to simplify my life, going to have just one blog. The blog is under my real name, Mark Dohle.Just trying to simplify my life, going to have just one blog. The blog is under my real name, Mark Dohle.
Peace
Mitch
What we are
01.02.09 (6:24 pm) [edit] |  |
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What we are
The “Song of Songs” is a beautiful book of erotic poetry, describing what many find
hard to accept, longings infinite, emotions strong, our beauty alluring
to the eternal, which is presented or revealed to us as a love sick suitor running after the beloved.
Each human an object of desire by the infinite, perhaps the commandment to love ourselves is something needing more thought and meditation, needing to take deep root so that one day when we look at one another we will see with God’s eyes, loving the deep mystery of ourselves and that of those with whom we come in contact with.
Can we truly hate that which the infinite longs for? Perhaps being made in the image of God means that we are each infinitely beautiful, worthy, for if in God’s image made,
then beauty is what we are, for God sees into the depths, we the surface only.
To love one self is perhaps the hardest thing of all, when that hard thing not done, then
the hatred and contempt of others are the easiest evil to fall into. For we live in a world of mirrors, seeing our feared reflection in others, either too bright, leading to false worship and hope in another, or too dark, leading to an increasing cycle of pain, death and ever deepening hatred passed on from generation to generation.
Allowing God’s tender erotic touch to heal, makes the wounded one by such a touch an incarnation of compassion and forgiveness, flowing from a heart filled with love of God and the also for the gift of who one is in God’s sight. Leading to see who all are, in the eyes of the Beloved One.
Humility is reality, to see clearly, accept with patience in some instances and to rejoice
in thankfulness in others. To mourn when needed but to never despair,
leading to empathy for self and others with whom we travel this life,
slowly becoming God’s work of art.
For we are desired by the infinite, eternal, that which has no form, but filled with
love stronger than death that will seek us out until we surrender
to love’s desire.
My own
01.01.09 (8:32 am) [edit] | |
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My own
Inner stories come to light in the within of my mind,
some of them beautiful and joyous causing me to smile,
others,
well they cause my soul to wince so primitive and harsh are they.
The voices whisper to me slyly expounding the joys of aggression and rage,
the sweetness of revenge taken in deep draughts
will make things right in a world gone awry.
Is me,
I know,
this inner voice truly my own,
yet I know the falsity of its wisdom,
for it is in weakness that surcease is sought
in causing others pain so that mine might lessen.
A hard task surely costing inner bleeding,
the calling for help along the cold dark path,
yet the light is never fleeting
nor has it ever left,
for it is the call to come higher
not allowing despair to take root
that is the fruit of unfelt grace.
For the soul of each
enfolded in love beyond all telling
is accompanied along the seeming lightless road.
Peace comes from self knowledge,
quick fixes an illusion,
love the bridge builder
held up with empathy and compassion.
Logos
12.29.08 (6:06 pm) [edit] | |
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Logos
To life we are called, abundance our destiny, yet often in inner poverty trapped,
rigid stances, Thanatos’s grip strong, it’s chains wrapping the soul in a cold embrace,
freezing out hope and the warmth it gives, the tree of life dormant within.
Wintery grey taken for the whole of reality, with only nothingness expected, yet
a seed of truth in that reversed expectation to perhaps one day take root, going deep
to slowly bring forth the fruit of spring allowing life to blossom.
Paths twist and encircle, curl back and coil, yet they are ways nonetheless,
labyrinth like they lead us if we but follow through the chaos and confusion,
to one day arrive at hidden graces agenda.
Stasis achieved then it falls apart, the center seems to shatter, pieces of our lives
strewn in unorganized patterns where no assonance or reason discerned,
yet we trudge forward often not understanding why, as if led it seems,
though in a quiet way with deafening silence,
until the day comes when we become something or someone
we never thought possible, again the chaotic path leading home.
So maze like we seem to ourselves when we travel our path slowly over the years,
unperceived we slowly experience, unfelt, yet it is there, growth in trust in the process of our lives, hidden grace being led; yes we stumble, yet we move, limp or crawl forward,
some even run, or perhaps one day we will all run to our destiny, for is growth
in trust for fools, or is it reality hidden in plain view?
The logos is always at work.
the gaze
12.28.08 (8:29 am) [edit]
the gaze
the heart burns within the human breast
buried often beneath cold’s gripping fear,
the arctic of love’s hiding in false protection
forgetting that nakedness needed for searing healing,
to be clothed again in love’s anointing.
each moment bringing the beloved to the core
placing the fear of being seen in its proper place,
for the beloved clings to us never releasing love’s hold
if only shames false power released.
there is no hiding from our beloved’s gaze
in that is our freedom if the courage there to grasp,
melting the armor of false beliefs imprisoning;
allowing the warmth,
the heat,
of infinite love entering.
the inner shattering of love’s design,
pain beyond bearing,
love beyond all telling
is the purifying fire of love’s passion
that each is the focus of.
infinite within the finite
12.27.08 (8:45 am) [edit] | |
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infinite within the finite
a mystery the human heart,
restless beyond all measure with desire,
the whole universe poor
compared with hunger propelling the inward man,
finite the heart
yet the infinite dwells within,
often hidden
or buried
by longings misread.
dissipation the fruit of chasing the wind,
leading only to great frustration
as the search
often unknown to the seeker
the why of its journey through the desert
seeking living water,
rambling along the back roads for the life sought after.
the mystery only deepens
as the years swiftly pass,
until the call comes often unaccepted
hopefully to find
the deep desires satiated
its journey ending,
yet
just beginning.
for the infinite dwells within the finite.
Beyond all telling
12.26.08 (8:51 am) [edit] | |
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Beyond all telling
The decades fly by with a swiftness incomprehensible,
yet moments can seem unendurable filled with nothingness,
dreamlike our desires and conquest,
soon becoming the distant past as if they never were,
fading memories yet kept alive in nostalgias make over,
broad strokes of pastels gentle colors,
or festering gashes of lurid paint,
causing deep explosions of enduring pain.
So each has their story in our trek through time,
our permanence an illusion sore to contemplate,
leading to either despair or joy,
such is the gift of truth,
for we dissipate soon like the mist before the sun,
fading into nothingness.
We are not objects nor are we made for anything,
our souls can only be satiated by that which does not exist,
we are sought by the unnecessary,
that which is no-thing seeks our returning embrace.
For in silence we hear the call,
our thirst drives us often into valleys of dryness and pain
yet the inner void calls us to loves union;
a consummation beyond all telling,
oneness shattering our petty dreams
drawing us into infinite freedom.
Without surcease
12.25.08 (9:56 am) [edit]
Without surcease
bringing love when it is easier to hate,
mercy when revenge is sweeter,
embracing all in love beyond all telling,
carrying our pains and sorrows
without surcease,
arms open in a world where children
often abused and unloved.
saying “fear not for I am with you”.
dare we believe,
trust enough in a world where love often fails,
to give our own fiat no matter how weak,
to open our hearts to this embrace?
sustenance
12.23.08 (6:50 pm) [edit]
sustenance
knowing that within a week he would pass on,
yet in his suffering he thought of others in pain
seeking sustenance so that they could live,
saying to have a life at all is the greatest gift.
his death?
well it will come within week he said,
but the love I can give
is shared with those who respond
to my plea.
the eyes of Christ showed from his round face,
filled with compassion
and yes a deeply haloed grace.
I wonder,
I hope and pray,
that we will listen
to this child"s
loving plea,
to allow compassion to flower
and the love of the gift of life to spread,
leading to deeper life
for all.
When one suffers we all suffer,
love the only remedy
salted with compassion
soaked in empathy
spread thin so all can partake
of mercy freely given
and received.
This Holy Season
12.22.08 (9:40 am) [edit] | |
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This Holy Season
May the spirit of this holy season fill you,
allowing love to take root deeply in your heart,
healing your soul so that it will be filled with love for all,
giving birth to compassion and empathy for those you meet,
May you spread healing to all you come upon,
dissipating resentment and pain in your wake;
yes your soul pregnant with God’s life
shown to us in the open arms of a Child.
Is there any gift more precious than healing love,
the seed we are called upon to plant,
spreading the healing grace,
freely given,
that we all have received.
Clarence
12.21.08 (1:11 pm) [edit]
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Clarence
Early last week, Clarence, one of those who stay in our infirmary complained of nausea and was having trouble eating. So when went we went in for his dialysis on Tuesday, I asked the Doctor who is there to please check him out before the procedure to see if he was alright. As I was waiting in the front area, the Doctor came out and told me that they would do his dialysis and if needed, send him to the Emergency room by ambulance afterward. So I left, planning to come back in four hours if I was not called.
When I returned at 3 PM, the nurse in charge told me that the Doctor wanted him to go to the ER to try to see what was causing the nausea; trying to stay on the safe side I guess. When we arrived I could see that it was going to be along wait. So we checked in, waited an hour and a half and on seeing that no was called to the triage office I knew there was a problem in the back. I talked to one of the women behind the front desk to ask her how things were going. She notified me that the back was full and there were some ambulances also on the way, so it would be a very long wait for us. She also informed me that quite a few in the back were sick with a virus that was going around. When I heard that, I decided to bring Clarence back to the infirmary, since his immune system was already compromised, there was a good chance he could also pick up the virus. Adding to that the deep level of his fatigue only strengthened my resolve that I really needed to get him out of there.
The next day, Rose called his primary physician to see what needed to be done. So Clarence was put on a clear diet for two days, and on the third day allowed to eat bland food only and was to be brought into the office after his dialysis, Thursday afternoon. After checking him out, he was sent to the hospital for some test, to see what the problem with his stomach was. He was in the hospital for 4 days and the results brought back showed that he had a yeast infection from his use of antibiotics, which he is on quite often. So he was put on a medicine to deal with that and sent home.
Of course being in bed for four days made him much weaker than he was before entering the hospital, which if truth be told, was not that strong in first place. After he was home for a couple of days he started talking about dying, he felt so weak and still had his nausea. So Rose and I talked to him. We encouraged him to get out of bed, go to the front room and to watch the news on TV. He loves CNN and also Fox as well, also channel 11, a local channel. We put him in a lazy boy near the TV and he started to feel a little better, and we got him to keep his liquid consumption up to where it needed to be. He also was able to eat some foods.
He also asked us to please arrange for him to be anointed with Holy Oils, which we did. That evening he was surrounded by the community and the prayers were said and the oils applied, which brought him great comfort. For Catholics it is a healing sacrament as well as for one who is near death, so it was appropriate for him to receive it. As I watched him, sitting in the chair, weak and tired, it made me wonder how it must be to be in that position, death if not immediate, is coming in the near future, perhaps days, weeks or months, maybe a year or two, but not much more than that. Dialysis is a two edge sword, giving life, extending it and at the same time causing many diverse problems for the body to put up with. Many simply stop after awhile and allow nature to take its course. Don’t know which way it will go for Clarence, but in the meantime we will do whatever we can for him in the way of encouragement. He is clear minded so he will call the shots. At this time unless he states other wise we will do whatever is needed to keep him alive in the event of a problem that is life threatened. Unusual for a place like ours, but there or no wrong or right ways for someone who is dealing with end of life issues.
When I stared working with the elderly and the many health problems that most seem to have when they get into their 70 and above, I was quite young. So my charges were 40 or 50 years older than me. Now the divide is closing in, so that now I am only 11 years younger than one of my charges. Luke is 98 so there is still quite a few years between, but with Clarence there is only 25 years, which seems like a lot, but really is not. I guess I feel that way because of the rapidity in which the years pass. It does not frighten me, it just makes me pause and ponder what that means to me.
I am not saying Clarence is always easy taking care of, but I do love and respect him. In fact the bond seems to be stronger with those that can bring out moments of conflict and misunderstanding, for in the end, forgiveness is needed on both sides. Like Clarence I am still a rough piece of art in the making. There is however a certain grace to how he handles things, for he really does have a lot of aliments to deal with. Yet he still seems to enjoy life, though the last couple of weeks have put him under a lot of strain.
I think I will promise him that if he gets better, I will take him out for a nice lunch and he can have a couple of drinks with his meal. The doctor has told me that once in awhile it will be ok and it does Clarence good. He will often when eating out, give me a history of his family, which is really quite interesting, though it can be long and drawn out. Well he does have a very large family.
Clarence
12.21.08 (1:04 pm) [edit]
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Clarence
Early last week, Clarence, one of those who stay in our infirmary complained of nausea and was having trouble eating. So when went we went in for his dialysis on Tuesday, I asked the Doctor who is there to please check him out before the procedure to see if he was alright. As I was waiting in the front area, the Doctor came out and told me that they would do his dialysis and if needed, send him to the Emergency room by ambulance afterward. So I left, planning to come back in four hours if I was not called.
When I returned at 3 PM, the nurse in charge told me that the Doctor wanted him to go to the ER to try to see what was causing the nausea; trying to stay on the safe side I guess. When we arrived I could see that it was going to be along wait. So we checked in, waited an hour and a half and on seeing that no was called to the triage office I knew there was a problem in the back. I talked to one of the women behind the front desk to ask her how things were going. She notified me that the back was full and there were some ambulances also on the way, so it would be a very long wait for us. She also informed me that quite a few in the back were sick with a virus that was going around. When I heard that, I decided to bring Clarence back to the infirmary, since his immune system was already compromised, there was a good chance he could also pick up the virus. Adding to that the deep level of his fatigue only strengthened my resolve that I really needed to get him out of there.
The next day, Rose called his primary physician to see what needed to be done. So Clarence was put on a clear diet for two days, and on the third day allowed to eat bland food only and was to be brought into the office after his dialysis, Thursday afternoon. After checking him out, he was sent to the hospital for some test, to see what the problem with his stomach was. He was in the hospital for 4 days and the results brought back showed that he had a yeast infection from his use of antibiotics, which he is on quite often. So he was put on a medicine to deal with that and sent home.
Of course being in bed for four days made him much weaker than he was before entering the hospital, which if truth be told, was not that strong in first place. After he was home for a couple of days he started talking about dying, he felt so weak and still had his nausea. So Rose and I talked to him. We encouraged him to get out of bed, go to the front room and to watch the news on TV. He loves CNN and also Fox as well, also channel 11, a local channel. We put him in a lazy boy near the TV and he started to feel a little better, and we got him to keep his liquid consumption up to where it needed to be. He also was able to eat some foods.
He also asked us to please arrange for him to be anointed with Holy Oils, which we did. That evening he was surrounded by the community and the prayers were said and the oils applied, which brought him great comfort. For Catholics it is a healing sacrament as well as for one who is near death, so it was appropriate for him to receive it. As I watched him, sitting in the chair, weak and tired, it made me wonder how it must be to be in that position, death if not immediate, is coming in the near future, perhaps days, weeks or months, maybe a year or two, but not much more than that. Dialysis is a two edge sword, giving life, extending it and at the same time causing many diverse problems for the body to put up with. Many simply stop after awhile and allow nature to take its course. Don’t know which way it will go for Clarence, but in the meantime we will do whatever we can for him in the way of encouragement. He is clear minded so he will call the shots. At this time unless he states other wise we will do whatever is needed to keep him alive in the event of a problem that is life threatened. Unusual for a place like ours, but there or no wrong or right ways for someone who is dealing with end of life issues.
When I stared working with the elderly and the many health problems that most seem to have when they get into their 70 and above, I was quite young. So my charges were 40 or 50 years older than me. Now the divide is closing in, so that now I am only 11 years younger than one of my charges. Luke is 98 so there is still quite a few years between, but with Clarence there is only 25 years, which seems like a lot, but really is not. I guess I feel that way because of the rapidity in which the years pass. It does not frighten me, it just makes me pause and ponder what that means to me.
I am not saying Clarence is always easy taking care of, but I do love and respect him. In fact the bond seems to be stronger with those that can bring out moments of conflict and misunderstanding, for in the end, forgiveness is needed on both sides. Like Clarence I am still a rough piece of art in the making. There is however a certain grace to how he handles things, for he really does have a lot of aliments to deal with. Yet he still seems to enjoy life, though the last couple of weeks have put him under a lot of strain.
I think I will promise him that if he gets better, I will take him out for a nice lunch and he can have a couple of drinks with his meal. The doctor has told me that once in awhile it will be ok and it does Clarence good. He will often when eating out, give me a history of his family, which is really quite interesting, though it can be long and drawn out. Well he does have a very large family.
The big book of Near Death Experiences
12.21.08 (9:56 am) [edit]
Order your autographed copy
direct from the author:
Special "Big Book" & DVD offer
"The Big Book of Near-Death Experiences: The Ultimate Guide to What Happens When We Die"
Authors Note: This 450-page book covers every aspect of the near-death phenomenon: the experience, the aftereffects, the implications. It is written in an easy-to-read format for busy people on the go - drawings, cartoons by Spirit Painter and Chuck Vadun, lots of sidebars, snappy headers - with the latest and best in the field. The Sourcebook takes near-death studies from the early days of the "Moody Miracle," through the myths of "the light at the end of the tunnel" and "the religion of the resuscitated," to where it is after 32 years of work. . . with clinical prospective studies in several countries verifying the reality of the experience and its many aspects, and establishing its importance in the study of consciousness itself!
The power of changed lives, the realness of the deceased come back, visitors at death's edge, out-of-body travel, the expansion of faculties normal to us, the awesome presence of Deity and the importance of spirituality - all of this and more are recognized at last as normal to the phenomenon and are no longer automatically associated with hallucinations, oxygen deprivation, the dying brain syndrome, or mental derangement.
The biggest, most complete book ever written on the subject, "Near-Death Experience: The Complete Sourcebook." Be prepared for a surprise when you read the material in this book. We know so much more than we used to, and what we know today about the near-death experience. . . is utterly stunning!
This is the tenth book written by Dr. Atwater about near-death experiences (NDEs) and by far, it is the most comprehensive and most instructive. Not only that, The Big Book of Near-Death Experiences is the best book written by anyone about NDEs.
P.M.H. is a most unique writer because she writes from the inside, having experienced three NDE's herself, and she also writes from the outside, having done extensive research about the subject. Unlike other writers, her research is not just a compilation of the case reports and studies done by other investigations, she has done her own original research. Furthermore, after interviewing thousands of NDE cases, Dr. Atwater then categorized the NDEs into logical and understandable categories. As part of my own book, Searching for Eternity: A Scientist's Spiritual Journey to Overcome Death Anxiety, I investigated NDEs and came to some of the same conclusions arrived at by P.M.H. However, since my book was published in 2000, her subsequent investigations have come up with new and important findings. Instead of just going on about her accomplishments, let me reveal a few of the interesting and revealing findings now.
1. Approximately 15 million people have had NDEs. this is about 12-20% of all those who are close to death. Among children who are at death's door, more than 70% have had a NDE.
2. The fewer drugs a person has taken, the better the chance of having a NDE as drugs impede NDEs.
3. Although the "tunnel" component of the NDE has been discussed widely, it is present in less than 1/3rd of experiencers. Some NDErs describe it to "fit" in or call any darkness a tunnel for the same reason.
4. Many more "hellish" NDEs occur than has previously been known, but because experiencers want to fit into the usual mode, they are either reluctant to describe them or they conveniently forget them.
5. In addition to being close to death, a NDE can occur when a person is in situations of intense physical or emotional danger. They can occur even if the danger is only apparent but is "real" in the person's mind.
6. Animals frequently appear in the near-death scenario; these are usually pets that had previously died.
7. Even though most experiencers have a choice about returning, some who choose to stay are still sent back by the spiritual entity.
8. "Hellish" experiences don't just happen to bad people or fundamentalists; they can happen to anyone.
9. A NDE can occur during birth. P.M.H. found that 50% of those interviewed could remember the circumstances of their birth.
10. Although rare, "greeters" in children's accounts can be real people from their immediate lives. Children can sometimes meet inborn siblings (those previously aborted, miscarried or yet to be conceived).
11. About 1/3rd of the child NDErs had memories of parental occurrences before they were born.
12. Related to my major field of endeavor, stress research, an interesting new finding is that NDErs manage stress very well. They have good coping skills.
13. In 50-79% of the cases, after the event, NDErs have heightened sensibilities (synthesesia) and electrical sensitivity (apparently able to control or affect electrical or electronic equipment.
14. Although it is believed that without sufficient oxygen, the brain can be permanently damaged in 3-5 minutes, some NDErs have had flatline EEGs (no brain activity) for 30 minutes or more.
15. Many who fit the pattern of a childhood crisis that should have evoked a NDE have no memory of one. These have been called nonexperience experiencers.
Aside from these and many more interesting findings, Dr. Atwater has also examined the NDE in relation to religions, various cultures, exceptional human experiences (EHE), after death contacts (ADCs), reincarnation, Shamanism, Kundalini, cosmic consciousness, and even, alien encounters.
Hopefully, I've whetted your appetie to go out and purchase this exceptional book. Of course, you can get it from a library, but because it should be read over and over again to get more insight each time it is read, I suggest you purchase it, especially since it is bargain priced at $18.95.
Donald R. Morse, D.D.S., Ph.D.
Author: "Eternity: A Scientist's Spiritual Journey to Overcome Death Anxiety
Guide to What Happens When We Die
By P.M.H Atwater
I think most people have wondered what happens when we die. P.M.H. Atwater answers this question and more. Atwater shares the stories of several people who have had near-death experiences (NDE's), both from adults and children.
You'll recognize the names of some well known celebrities; she covers the positive and negative results from having visions of heaven and hell, and how lives of those who have glimpsed "the other side" change. Some find it a life altering experience for the better, and others head down a road of self destruction. They all confirm an existence of life after death. Atwater covers the points of other researchers who claim NDE's are nothing more than cases of oxygen deprivation and she also explores various religions and their stand on life after death. She touches on reincarnation and cell memory. Cell memory occurred when a transplant recipient started craving foods they never liked; the food later was determined to be a favorite of the donor.
Atwater really has the ultimate book on near-death experiences. She will answer all your questions, even questions you didn't realize you had. Yes, we survive death as do animals.
Her book is a fascinating adventure in understanding the meaning and purpose of life. Her voice is friendly and easy to understand, and it's reassuring to see some common components in all the near-death experiences, like the dead floating above their bodies, a white light, and being greeted by a calming presence. At least that is the case for those with positive journeys to the other side; visions of half animal-half man demons in hell for others.
Addressing the case of suicide, Atwater discovered even those who attempted to end their own lives "came back with a renewed sense of purpose and self-worth." The problems they were trying to escape remained but they felt empowered to address the problems head on. Some people who had NDE's later suffered from depression. They had a sense of not being worthy of what they experienced.
Children have the highest rate of depression and substance abuse later in life. They often don't have the support system available to adults to work through the resulting emotions, and "because children have such a struggle verbalizing what happens to them under the best of circumstances, their efforts at talking about their near-death experiences are usually quite bewildering and seemingly fanciful."
I enjoyed some of the artwork included in the book. Sketches of angels and guides in a white light were drawn by those who wished to share their experience. This book is not just a glimpse into heaven but also a thoughtful gesture of hope for all of us. It should be required for all who deal with the sick and dying, especially those who work with children. A gift as beautiful as a near-death experience shouldn't result in psychological problems later.
This book explores near-death experiences and challenges readers to open their minds and hearts to those who have a story to tell. A story that may challenge long held beliefs but will offer a sense of hope and purpose in return.
'Ruthie' for "BlogCritic Magazine" April 03, 2008
Everyone is curious about death, which makes The Big Book of Near-Death Experiences of general interest to all; however, it is even more important to the approximately 15 million people in the U. S. alone who have personally had a near-death experience (NDE). P.M.H. Atwater writes not just from book knowledge and extensive research but also from personal experience. Three near-death experiences in 1977 prompted her to begin researching the phenomenon in 1978. As the experiencer of an NDE myself, the book confirmed many of the things I experienced but did not connect with the NDE—breathing anomalies, sensitivity to weather, and hypersensitivity to pharmaceuticals, for example, and the frustrating problem of “blowing out” electronic systems for no apparent reason. Many survivors of NDEs return with these problems, but with benefits as well: heightened awareness, spiritual revelations, clarification of life purpose often including alternative healing careers, and enhancement of psychic abilities. While many NDEs are uplifting, Atwater also goes to the dark side of NDEs—the hellish experiences suffered by some who go beyond and back. The Big Book of Near-Death Experiences is especially valuable for spouses and parents of experiencers as well as medical people. Adults and children experience NDEs differently, and relationships often change for both. After an NDE, divorce and career changes are common. For children, it is even more difficult if they are silenced by well-meaning adults who accuse them of making up stories about what they experienced. Medical people often are taught that NDEs are the result of hypoxia (oxygen deprivation) or drug hallucinations but are baffled when experiencers report everything that was said in the room after their near death. Indeed, NDE experiencers report what happened with remarkable clarity, unlike what would happen under the influence of drugs or oxygen deprivation. The book explains as much as is explainable about NDEs at this point in time, and case studies and sidebars provide additional tidbits of information. Short of having an NDE oneself, The Big Book of Near-Death Experiences is truly “the ultimate guide to what happens when we die.” It may be placed among spiritual, psychology, or medical tomes. Atwater has addressed the International Association for Near Death Studies conferences and has written 15 books, many based on her extensive research into NDEs. In addition to excellent and informative writing and research, the last 43 pages pro-vide a glossary, list of resources, contacts, and websites where readers can go for more information.
Arlene Shovald, Ph.D., Fresh Start Therapies, Salida, Colo. Independent book review - "New Age Retailer" Spring 2008 (March/April) issue
"A heck of a read. Page 129 is especially relevant to any counselor....... the problem of acceptance versus rejection (denial ). Your description of the scenario is like a laser beam cutting succinctly to the heart of the matter. When I try to help others, this is where most failures occur, in my inability to "sell" the idea of acceptance to them, to show them the obvious denial state they have chosen for themselves.
" I never realized the full importance of what you said in one page where hundreds of pages have been written all around the subject while not clarifying near as well as you have. Thank You, PMH and kudos to you."
John Zajic, spiritual healer
This is an amazing book. It is beautifully designed, so that each page pulls you right in. The insert boxes make it easy to learn new things quickly, and the text itself is amazingly comprehensive and easy to read. The author has done extensive research in a field that, as she says, "straddles religion and mysticism, science and biology, consciousness and the supernatural." It is the kind of book you can dip into to gain a lot of information in a short time, or sit down with and stay engrossed for several hours. I highly recommend the book for anyone interested in Near Death Experiences, other altered states of consciousness, and our human evolution in consciousness
Diane Kennedy Pike
Author of Life As A Waking Dream
"I want to compliment you for the achievement that you were able to write this book. It is very complete, and describes the many aspects and theories about the content, cause and after-effects of NDE in a very accessible and sometimes very humorous way. I hope and expect that the book will be a great success."
Dr. Pim von Lommel, M.D.
Author of the forthcoming book “Endless Consciousness: A Scientific Vision on the Near-Death Experience.” This Dutch cardiologist conducted the largest prospective, clinical study of the near-death experience ever done, a study that was published 12-15-01 in "The Lancet" medical journal.
"Dr. Atwater has devoted her life to helping people understand and share their near death experiences. One simple yet profound sentence in this book stood out for me far and above the rest. The thought provoked a response that I could personally relate to my own life. Dr. Atwater said, 'I believe the near death experience is a growth event reserved for people who need an extra shove in life to make needed changes.'
"My own mission revolves around helping others discover their purpose in life. The process of discovering oneís purpose is a life changing event. The end result of a near death experience is an eye opener. It dramatically changes lives!
"I highly recommend you read this book. It will give you information that you need to address the changes you need to make in your life. The wisdom that you will get from this terrific book may help you realize that you are unique in all the world and have a very important mission to fulfill.
"This is a definite 'must read' for anyone who realizes the need for change in their lives.. I applaud Dr. Atwater's contribution to the world."
R. Winn Henderson, M.D.
Author, Public Speaker, Radio Talk Show Host
Wednesdays 5:45 PM EST at www.blountweb.com/wbcr
www.theultimatesecrettohappin ess.com
Overcast
12.20.08 (4:35 pm) [edit] | |
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Overcast
Grey days in succession, sun hidden beneath a solid sky, dark and somber,
no wind, so quiet, it is almost eerie, yet also supremely peaceful,
so warm for winter, I hope for the crisp cold to return;
just another winter day in Georgia.
Ebb and flow
12.20.08 (8:11 am) [edit] | |
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Ebb and flow
There is an ebb and flow of life, something easy for youth to forget, yet perhaps that is important, for being a youngling is a time of experimentation, moving out into the world, seeking to slowly express to the world who one is, to make some kind of mark, or perhaps a stand, a time of ideals, high energy, movement, a body that is more often than not, agile and strong.
Youth however is not the end all of life. Years pass ever more quickly; parents, aunts and uncles die, and even friends ones own age pass on through the dark door called death. So temporality slowly comes into focus as the middle years approach.
Many must face themselves and their failures as they march forward on their pilgrimage.
Failed marriages, careers not as successful as they desired; problems with children and with that comes the insight of ones own culpability that weaves through it all. So the surety of youth is replaced with humility. Freeing for some, a heavy burden for others; each unique how this rocky terrain is traversed. I know of none who are free of this purgation.
Many cling to youth, seeking to fool others in various ways, yet none successful for very long. Surgeries, suctions, long hours seeking to keep the body like that of a 25 year old, can become a hard taskmaster, draining life of the deeper joys that getting older can bring. Youth becoming a nostalgic longing for what never really was, for each age has its joys, suffering and yes pitfalls.
Embracing life as something temporary, that we are pilgrims moving toward our appointment with the dark door can be freeing, for clinging is a useless passion, leading to worthless desperation and it fruit is endless anxiety, even if hidden beneath the mask of endless activity.
Our journey forces inwardness, the seeking after meaning and profound understanding of what our life is about. There is more than one ‘understanding&rsqu o;; some leading to deeper meaning, others perhaps to despair for some, if not many. In end some choice is involved, bits of freedom slowly developed over the long years of right or left turns. Yet the human heart is deep, so judgment is something beyond the each ones capacity, though it is often not known the truth. So silly some judgments, based on narrow misconceptions of others, and yes even about ourselves; for we are told not to judge for a reason…….we suck at it, big time.
I would suppose it is wise to cultivate compassion for oneself and others. If not, only bitterness the possible fruit. Forgiveness flows from understanding, the ability to have empathy for others, though a struggle is always necessary. We seem to live in world of both joy and pleasure on one side and pain and woe on the other, a strange cocktail, yet we each must drink.
Every love must end, someone is usually left behind. Friendships also end, for one is taken and the other left alone. So, many seek the eternal, the love the human heart seems to truly seek. Perhaps that is what our lives are about; preparing the heart for the eternal, everything in between important and necessary, though if you are seeking some deep understanding I am not the one who can provide, except for one thing, I have grown to trust the process of this life and the grace hidden, though real, that envelops it.
Little sayings
12.19.08 (4:50 pm) [edit]
Little sayings
I took Lauren in for a procedure last Tuesday, a simple one that would only take a few minutes to do. He was however a little nervous about it, but it was something that needed checking into. He was having some symptoms that Rose, the head nurse was concerned about. The doctor’s office is very well run and I have been there often with different people. The wait is never long, the staff pleasant, so I was sure that things would go without a hitch. I told Lauren that we would stop off for a late breakfast or an early lunch after he was finished if he so desired and the choice where, was his.
I waited in the front room for about 45 minutes after he went in, when I was called to go back and see him after he was finished. He was lying there, in a twilight slumber when I went in. The first thing he said when he opened his eyes was “Papa Jacks, which is where I want to have lunch, an early one”. I laughed and said ok, you just have to wake up first.
So after he woke up a bit and we received the good news that his results showed no indication of anything serious, we were off. Papa Jacks is a seafood restaurant here in Conyers that is not far from where we were at in the first place. Probably less than a mile, give or take a tenth on either side. It is a nice place, the food good and not expensive, though the sea food is excellent. Vicki is the name of the waitress who runs the floor, and I guess she has been there for the three years that the place has been opened. She has a very pleasant personality and the times that I have been there she was the only one on the floor, doing a more than adequate job. She seems to love her work, and she perked Lauren up a bit.
Lauren ordered a oyster poor boy, and I got a seafood salad with a side order of french fries, which I have a deep, abiding, weakness, for. I guess most people have foods that they like so much, that they wish they didn’t. Well I would walk ten miles for a big plate of fries. Greasy, dry, cold or hot, I will eat them. Yes it is sad, but there you have it. I would not walk across the street for ice cream, but fries, well get me my walking shoes.
So when the food came we started to eat. Lauren told me during the meal in a very gentle voice: “you know, as I get older (he is 79), I get more and more thankful for just being alive and the many blessings that I receive during the day”. He said this with such sincerity that it gave me pause and made me ponder. I guess it is like something that Edmund said (of fond memory) one day to me a few years ago. I was teasing him about hanging on for so long and how he was in no hurry to move one. He looked at me, smiled and said: “we are here for such a short time that it is good to hang on for as long as possible”. So I guess the timing was good, for the simple saying that Lauren spoke seemed tailor made for me, who often does not show gratitude for the gifts that come my during the day. Which by the way, when I look, or take the time to observe, are many.
Later during the meal he was setting with his eyes closed, with a very nice smile on his lips, so I teasingly said to him: “are you praying again?”. He opened one eye, looked at me and said: “no I was sleeping.”, which caused me to laugh.
As we were eating the restaurant started to get busy and Vicki looked like she could use a good pair of roller blades to get around faster; that girl was busy. So it came time for the bill and Lauren wanted to try the home made Velvet Cake they had for dessert. He decided to pass it up because he was not that hungry. So I decided we could share a piece. He loved it, taking his time and drinking his coffee. It was a pleasant time spent with him. Poor Vicki, she was so busy that she forgot our forks, so we ended up using our coffee spoons. She came and was very sorry about the missing forks, but I said that it is ok, not to worry and I will still give her a tip. I said it with a laugh to let her know that I was just joking with her. I tend to have the bad habit of joking with just about everyone and at times I don’t think it is appreciated that much, since not knowing me, some people really don’t know at the time where I am coming from. Hell half the time I don’t even know.
Little sayings from the people in our lives can have a great impact if listened to. It is not that they say anything new, though it is said with deep feeling; no it is the timing for the one who is the benefactor of the words of wisdom, often over looked. Well at least they can be by me. So like Edmund’s saying, Lauren’s will probably stay with me, hopefully for many years, pointing the way cultivating the habit of simply being grateful.
All that matters
12.18.08 (8:28 am) [edit] | |
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All that matters
The heart seeks closure; a point when the search is over, the one sought found. Yet the torture is that it is never fulfilled, though many come into our lives, friends deeply loved and trusted, life long partners in marriages rocky, hard, yet also filled with mutual love and connectedness; still the heart senses to it’s sorrow, the more one loves, often the deepe the inner longing, the deep thirst for union still sought, lost in an inner desert of desire.
People surround us, each beautiful in their own way. Smiles, humor, gentleness, the ability to love and hate, good and bad, we are each a mixture, each beautiful once known and listened to, the effort always worth the struggle needed, growing in patients and fortitude, to understand the mystery of those who stand before us.
So much mystery hidden within each, many do not have the words to express what lies within the inner depths, the pain and joy experienced, the healings and yes the wounds received, often lost in acting out in ways that only lead to deeper pain……until one day someone sees them, listens, and the road to healing starts, though it is a long journey; this life seems set up for that, suffering, leading to healing, or perhaps sadly to despair; each playing their part in life’s little and big dramas, in leading others in one direction or another.
We are all healers, wounded ones for sure, yet called to forgive and uphold those around us, some more than others. Some who come into our lives gives us pleasure and companionship, others bring out the worst, so healers and teachers we are to one another, scraping and stroking, leading to deeper patients and compassion for others and hardest yet; compassion for ourselves.
Our longing for union propels us outward towards others, and yes also inward to the truly Other; unfelt, unseen, without form, yet our longings seems to be infinite, without end, so perhaps it is the infinite that will fulfill us in ways that our mystics tell us. The path steep;
we are all on it I believe, some more conscious than others, yet the seed there slowly taking root over our lives that swiftly pass, making our journey seem at times like a dream,
yet our search points to the reality of it all, the long search each is on, for we seek love,
in the endthat is all that matters.
wisdom
12.15.08 (7:02 pm) [edit] | |
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wisdom
the child has wisdom of a sort,
the adult another,
the bridge that connects,
faith.
perhaps one day
12.15.08 (6:28 pm) [edit]
perhaps one day
deep into the season, the nights getting longer,
for some the pressure builds inheriting the whirlwind,
parties to attend or to prepare,
crowds at the mall with it accompanying din,
money to spend in a breathless rush
the season not always so merry as the greetings insist,
yet we do give mostly out of love,
the spirit of the season still there even if hidden
beneath addictions need to keep the economy going,
perhaps one day simplicity will return,
sanity for a season meant to bring contemplation
for it is
Christ-Mass after all.
So amidst the confusion and running around
stop from time to time to look
at the Light that came into the world,
flooding the world with compassion and love,
for it is through us that God reaches others,
our eyes the eternal looks through,
our arms that he embraces with,
our words that he heals others
for one in the body of Christ
a truth often forgotten
in the hurly burly of life.
Carried
12.14.08 (3:50 pm) [edit]
Carried
I seem to have a lot of jump starts in my life. New beginnings, then a slowly winding down, until a new jolt of some kind is needed for me continue my journey. Old habits slowly regain some of their potency, draining me and at times making it seem that I simply stop, yet I know I don’t, for the desire, no matter how weak it seems, is still there.
Perhaps one of the wonderful things about getting older is that it is possible to look back over long decades past and see that things seem to fall back together again; no matter how chaotic, or dark, things seemed to have been. I guess that is a form of wisdom, this knowing that the ups and downs of life are simply a part of our seeking. The being on the mountain one day and then, at times, suddenly in a dark valley simply stumbling along in the dark, thinking that one lost, is not what it seems. Yes after awhile the lesson is learned. The stumbling is just as important as being on the mountain top. For in the darkness faith grows strong, trust deepens and God’s presence, even if not felt, is known to be journeying along with us pilgrims, the need for consolation lessens as faith matures.
Then there are horrible tragedies’, events so painful that no words are possible to deal with what happened. So many thing can go wrong in our lives, numerous things that we mercifully don’t think about, since nothing can be done to prevent them; just hindsight after it happens, which can only add on a deep sense of false guilt. Lots of pious things can be said, yet in the end, God is present in this unbearable pain and darkness, for God in Christ suffers with us on our journey, such is love, always present; though often giving us courage to bear and not the diminution we really perhaps desire. It call all seem so absurd, so unnecessary, so arbitrary.
We live in a universe, in which random events happen, where chaos seems to have the upper hand and yes when real human evil seems to be winning. Answers are cheap, both believers and also unbelievers are ever ready to throw their two cents in, which at the time one is suffering don’t help much. Suffering is not an intellectual exercise but the immediate confrontation to ones own morality and also helplessness in the face of suffering, evil and yes death. It strips away our dream like existence and wakes us up to the true nature of our lives. In that we face the infinite the eternal. At times screaming out our rage, our hatred and for many, in time, their surrender to the great mystery of our lives, the immanent and transcendent God, in which we live and move and have our being.
It is our souls that are nailed to the cross. Christ carries us, is with us when we are in our deepest despair and suffering, for within his soul, his heart, he carries us all. His death is all of our deaths, his being tortured and mocked; again, he experiences all the hatred and bigotry that we all experience at different times in our lives. Christ carries our wounds, for each life, each soul, each death and all suffering is known by Christ first hand, such is infinite love.
It is a hard love, yet softer and gentler than any we can know. Yet we must drink our chalice to the bottom, such is our life, often filled with imponderables. It is in embracing the darkness, trusting that we move forward. It is also being honest, knowing when to scream and yell and yes even curse the dark empty sky, for that is also part of our being human and it is loved by our infinite Creator, who is there with us in our screaming and in feeling lost a and alone.
God is not Santa Claus, nor is faith for the weak and faint hearted. To give up ones faith, to become indifferent is the escape, the numbing of the soul is not the path we are called to follow. The cross that Christ asks us to carry is simply our life, to embrace it, love it, yes suffer it, but to also experience the joy and love that is also present. So the road dark and hard, yet within the soul there is joy also, deep abiding, in which nothing can take away.
For in the infinite rest our deepest longings, we are all God’s work of art, and to bring us to our infinitely loved future great sorrow and pain for most must be traversed. Do I understand, well no, yet when I ponder Christ on the cross, something happens within my soul, knowing that when I look upon the cross, I see my soul, Christ one with my life, with all lives, no stranger to suffering, in fact he carries all suffering for all times. We suffer one at a time, or for our loved ones, yet Christ experiences the suffering of all.
United
the lover embraces the pain of the beloved,
the deeper the love present,
causes the lover to suffer more,
a loving mother,
or father,
embraces the suffering child
seeking to absorb its pain
yet cannot,
so the parent journeys with the child
united in suffering love.
we call God father,
yet it points to something far greater
than the love of a parent,
though it is the closest we can come to fathom,
for who has understanding of the infinite,
the depth which can never be reached,
who can understand it,
yet we can surrender in faith
and yes deep courage.
Abba Father!
the good
12.13.08 (7:52 pm) [edit]the good
 | |
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the good
for love we are made,
in giving we expand,
clutching brings diminishment,
for in pain we must choose
to seek the good of the beloved
or our own.
to embrace
12.13.08 (2:12 pm) [edit] | |
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to embrace
when pain drives us will someone show compassion
or simply experience being pushed back under?
when the cold of the inner realm paralyzes,
will warmth be given to bring back life,
or will there be no one to embrace
leaving one in the dark inner cold?
at the time of death will there be only loneliness,
fear of the unknown an unwanted guest,
or will companions come forth to help with the journey,
letting us know we are loved and not alone?
when will we learn that we are the arms of Christ,
bestowing healing and love on those who reach out to us,
for in the depths of our heart is the Eternal's hiding place,
its light our loving touch.
until the time, when one by one
ministering will be our need,
to give the gift of allowing others
to embrace us with the arms of Christ.
Nothing can be said
12.12.08 (3:39 pm) [edit]
Nothing can be said
we sat for many moments just being with each other, then,
the mourning woman looked a me with a strained smile, her eyes pools of longing,
stupefied trying to say the words to relieve her inner torment,
yet nothing coming forth at first.
"I miss my daughter so",she finally whispered, so low that I had to lean
in to hear her clearly. "So alive, filled with love of others,
always seeking someone to help, her heart so big,
now her heart is silent in her cold grave, how can I bear it"?
"I visit her grave and I want to scream", she continued, then her tears flowed,
a raging river of pain shed without shame, nor any real relief achieved;
"so much pain for her when she lay dying, so much pain",
the mother moaned, "I almost went insane
for I could not bear the agony for her, she was alone,
and I"
she said looking up
"was there with her in her pain and fear, holding her hand,
kissing her forehead, wiping her hot skin with a cool cloth,
so little I could do, yet I did what I could,
until the end came,
her body still, peaceful, her face serene",
"I was relieved", she wailed into her hands, "glad it was over,
for her, me, for all of us".
"Please" she continue, "no words, just listen, the pain is mine,
I must bear it to the end, for I loved my daughter so,
and I would have it no other way,
I would do it all over again, she was such a light,
once bright now gone"
All I could do is simply sit and pretend to be strong.
There are times when nothing should be said,
it is enough to share the pain,
to simply be with,
for nothing can be said.
a survivor
12.11.08 (7:22 pm) [edit] | |
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a survivor
brown, well perhaps an orange tint to it is it's fur,
an old dog that we feed ,so he has made his home here,
though he seems not to be afraid of us
yet he seems unbound to humans,
we simply fulfill a need for food which he seeks,
yet does not beg.
he has long hair, almost dread lock like, around his head,
with deep set eyes that seem intelligent,
he often sits and just watches us, but will not approach,
nor does he run or seem fearful in any way,
a strange animal with perhaps a difficult life,
perhaps abandoned ,yet a survivor.
my heart goes out to this beautiful creature
no one to really care for him,
so he must sleep in the cold rain
not allowing us to do more.
perhaps he will be with us for a few years
until one day like many animals
he will wander off to die alone;
I wonder if I love him
this simple yet complex creature
of the creator of all?
desired
12.10.08 (6:52 pm) [edit] | |
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desired
love has deep roots,
beyond mere sentiment
though of course it is nice to to emote;
emotions come and go,
first this and then that,
up and down and around.
but love,
true and real love,
well it is stronger than death,
we are made for love,
infinite,
fiery,
eternal,
such is our joy
and the source of our sorrow
and restless yearning,
leading us to
our sins,
both against others
and of course ourselves
desired,
because love is often sought
in places false.
our hearts will be rootless,
thirsty,
longing for that which
seeks us,
clings to us.
Blank stare
12.09.08 (6:08 pm) [edit] | |
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Blank stare
she has been on dialysis for many years, I see her often
when I bring Clarence in for his appointment;
four long hours, three times a week, it is exhausting for him,
and it seems also for Sarah, though she is much older,
90 I think.
much thinner from when I last saw her, her eyes big
looking from beneath her cover, scared, confused,
it was sad for she did not know or remember me at all.
So I reintroduced myself, smiled, and got a blank stare,
as I left I felt sad, for death is near, perhaps very soon,
such a nice lady, soon her pilgrimage will be over,
the world will lose another bright light,
it is the same for all of us,
just passing through, yet a truth often forgotten;
I will miss her very much.
enclosed
12.08.08 (4:28 pm) [edit]
enclosed
secrets abound in the human heart,
shame enclosed behind bars of fear,
yet in the depths of the pain enfolded
sits Christ awaiting our arrival,
for all is known,
forgiven,
so fear is useless
what is needed is faith.
Presenting (a talk)
12.07.08 (10:54 am) [edit] |  | |
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Presenting
I would think one of the most frustrating pastimes, or occupations, is one that deals with trying to explain ones thoughts or beliefs to others. We each have a certain mind set, which in turn will dictate how we will interrupt what others tell us, which is precisely what causes so much misunderstanding, anger and in the end suffering for many.
What are these mind sets? Well even among Christians problems can arise that can cause friction and deep misunderstanding, in ways often almost impossible to overcome. There are Catholics who have a certain understanding of the scriptures as well as tradition, which is not shared with those of a more fundamentalist bent. Also evangelicals, while I feel they fall in the middle of the two former mind sets, can also have trouble communicating; both with Catholics and fundamentalist. So even though good will can be present on all sides, a lot of bridges have to be built, as well as study. Our beliefs can be a two edge sword, since it comes with its own language, and not only that but a very specific interpretation that is not shared by others who may have much in common, yet their will be differences. Just the understanding of what actually “tradition” means, can perhaps show some light on the difficulties present.
So if Christians, who follow the same Lord and use the same scriptures have trouble understanding each other, think of what happens when it could be someone from a mind set that is opposed to ones own. I have had some experience in dialoguing with those of an atheist or agnostic mind set. It is a daunting task one that I tried for awhile but have since stopped. It is almost impossible to find common ground on which to speak or even share. Stereotypical thinking on both sides makes it hard to really listen. Also the fact that the same arguments are used by both sides over and over again dulls the mind and soon there is a corresponding loss of interest. Leaving the field to those who tend to be more fanatical about their opposing views, they call this debate.
So I have come to this conclusion. It is not up to me to change anyone’s mind, though I can still share and not allow myself to get dragged into any kind of useless debate that leads nowhere. It is freeing to realize that all any of us can do is to plant seeds, and have faith that the spirit will do its work. Arguing only hardens the one being argued with, into a defensive stance; well both sides can become defensive, which can only cause harm. For many have ideas about the church and Christianity hard for them to over come. So a gentle loving approach is always called for; respectful, peaceful, and with no worry to actually bring someone over. It is not up to us, but to the Holy Spirit who has a time table that will not fit any of ours.
The church is often maligned, stereotyped, boxed in as a community that is narrow and bigoted, so it is very difficult to be able to deal with this at best, impossible at the worst. However taking a listening stance goes a long way in getting others to listen to what it is you want to share with them. Once opponents become dialoguers and listeners, things can move forward easier which could bear good fruit immediately. Again seeds of understanding are planted.
There is an old saying: “sometimes you’re the fly and sometimes you’re the windshield”, so it is also good to understand that everyone no matter what group they belong to get maligned just as Christians often do. Atheist for instance can be persecuted by Christians with bible bashing, which leads nowhere, but only increases the rightness of narrow misplaced ideas about the Christian faith in general and the Catholic Church in particular. Also some will not want to listen, it is not personal, for who knows the background of some of those who seem to be angry at any mention of God and enraged when Christianity is brought up? Best to leave them in peace, respecting where they are at, praying for them, believing that by being respectful, a connection has been made that the Holy Spirit can work with; again within a time frame that we cannot grasp or be observed by us.
The mercy that we received through sheer grace is open to everyone, so praying for others is just as important as sharing; perhaps the most important. Having a deep prayer life, goes a long way to making any presentation of the faith, come across as something that the presenter is living themselves. When perceived as authentic by the listener also allows respect to take root.
clothed
12.06.08 (5:39 pm) [edit] | |
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clothed
clothed in weak flesh he came
naked born,
helpless ,
held in his mothers arms,
like us in all things,
in joy and suffering,
pleasure and pain,
save sin.
With chains unbound
12.06.08 (8:05 am) [edit] | |
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With chains unbound
You hide,
we seek,
You pursue
we run,
down alleyways of pain
seeking everything,
anything,
leading to emptiness,
the fruit despair.
Yet the one thing necessary,
feared,
the inner confrontation,
love’s intent,
avoided at all cost.
True freedom
with chains unbound
too much to bear,
for flight
demands the release of everything
that keeps us chained.
a seed
12.05.08 (4:30 pm) [edit] | |
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a seed
as nights get longer
and the light fades in winters chill,
some wait in silent expectation
for a new light to dawn;
harbinger of peace
in darkness born,
a child,
so longed for by mankind,
a promise of one day being fulfilled,
a seed taking root
in the heart of mankind.
Passing
12.04.08 (6:54 pm) [edit]
Passing
Philip died today at approximately 12:30 PM. It has been a long haul with him, he has outlived almost two generations of residents in our facility, and so it is going to be awhile before his passing can be gotten used to. There is always a gap when someone goes. Also a sense of sadness as well as relief, now that it is over for the one suffering, especially if it was long and drawn out. It can’t be helped, for being such complex beings we can experience more than one thing at a time.
Some people make a quick exit out of this life, others take a long time and Philip; well he took a really long time. So there was plenty of time to get attached to him, to his gentleness, his quiet compassionate smile, and yes his bad days as well; for they all make up a whole. Such is the intimacy that comes with being a caregiver, a give and take that forges a deep bond between both of them. I remember one night, about three years ago, when Philip was very anxious and afraid. So I went down to see what was going on. As soon as he heard my voice he said: “Mark, thank God!” He did not remember the CNA’s taking care of him, for his short term memory was gone. However he knew me from before his Alzheimer’s began to take its toll on him. So even if he did not remember me much of the time, he did remember my voice. I touched deeply that he was in such fear and confusion, but made me thankful that I was there than evening.
People differ of course. Philip before he became extremely ill was what you would call an anxious person, introverted and could drive me to distraction at times by his constantly mulling over things, trapped in a cycle of anxious concern, which he could not break out of. One thing about his Alzheimer’s, it took that away. Though he had his bad days (who doesn’t), yet for the most part that constant anxiety left him, so most days he was actually peaceful and happy.
Last night before I left, I put some ointment on his lips and wiped his face with a cool cloth. He opened his eyes for a moment and then closed them. I bent over and kissed him on the forehead and felt quite a bit of sorrow surfacing, so I left the room for awhile to be by myself. I still don’t feel comfortable about exhibiting strong tender emotions in public. A weakness I know, perhaps before it is my turn to die, I will mature enough to be able to have the inner strength to do that.
I came in early the next morning and sat with him for a few hours, prayed, and as usual was in awe of the process that was going on in front of me. A man, 90 years of age, who lived a long life, with yes much suffering like the rest of us, was ending his pilgrimage here in this soul forging universe. I never get used to it, the deep mystery of who we are, and even deeper, what we are, also our relationship with God and God’s infinite love for each of us; at least that is what I have learned from my relationship with Christ my Lord.
Well he is gone now, and others are weakening. Leo has not eaten much today, and he is starting to have trouble drinking, though we can still coax him. He is quite young actually, 71 I think, so his Alzheimer’s is especially tragic, at least from the perspective of those who care for him. Yet he laughs, shows affection, and at times tries to communicate with us, so there is life, love and community for him. Tonight Clarence had trouble breathing, for his going to dialysis can bring on deep fatigue that causes him some anxiety. We put him on a concentrator, and I reminded him to breathe deep and slowly for awhile, that will help calm him down. Also his pul-sox was 98%, which also helped him to relax. So I guess it is unending, but I still love taking care of these men, who are on the last mile or miles of their lives. The whole crew loves taking care of their needs also, we are a community taking care of another community; I guess that makes us one. Rose for instance pretty much stayed here the whole time the dying process was going on, so I guess like me she has trouble sleeping when one of her charges is dying.
They are great teachers those we take care of and they show us great courage, patience and reservoirs of faith each day. Caregivers are also taken care of by those with whom we minister to, it is a two way street, for we are all brothers and sisters on the way.
Another wait
12.03.08 (3:01 pm) [edit] | |
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Another wait
Well this may be the time for Philip, though I have learned from past episodes that he could still pull though. Philip is almost 90 and he has been with us for the last 16 years on his slow journey towards his final day. He always gets very weak, unresponsive, almost seems about to die and then rallies and comes back to us. I guess this cycle has gone on for about three years, so it is just a matter of waiting and seeing. We think his pacemaker may have something to do with it, for it will not allow the heart to go below 60 beats a minute, if it does, it will attempt (successfully so far) to shock the heart into restarting, so he is still with us.
I sat with him last night for a couple of hours, just watching him breathe and praying. He was in no pain nor was their any anxiety present. We called the hospice nurse and she came in about 8pm. With hospice, they make sure you have all the medicine (s) you need for comfort, which includes pain and anxiety prescriptions. With Philip I don’t think we will need them much, but it is good to have them just incase. Right now all that we can do is to wet his lips and if we can, the inside of his mouth, and just pray and wait to see what happens.
We just had another death two weeks ago. Emilio was not with us as long as Philip, about 5 years, but he is missed, as I am sure so will Philip. I can remember him before the ravages of his Alzheimer’s finally took over. Yet even then the sweetness of his character never left him. I often call him the Bishop, because when he is up in his chair he has a certain dignity about him, and he does give off a very beautiful smile. For the last few months Rita, Elda, Jean, Bernie and Ann, our CNA”s, have had to feed him which can take some time, either because his appetite has gone down, or he has for forgotten how, but he does eat well when helped.
Rose the head nurse here has been around all night, she is like that, and when one is sick or dying she is always close by. A very dedicated healer in every sense of the word, we are lucky to have her here. Also Neda our LPN, who is also very skillful and loving in her care for those whom fall under her concern. We are truly blessed to have such good nurses on the staff. They also work very well together.
On his desk there is an old picture of his whole family. I guess it was taken in the late 30’s, for they are all very young. The youngest, his name is Ray, seems to be about 12, and the last one besides Philip still living. I talk to him on the phone and keep him updated. He has informed me that there is no one who will be able to come to the funeral. Ray has health problems and the rest who remember him are also too old to make the long trip here.
To take care of our elderly is a true honor, for they have given much during their lives, and deserve attention, given in love and respect.
these many years
12.02.08 (11:56 am) [edit] | |
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these many years
two oldsters one day I saw holding each up on the sidewalk,
slowing taking their steps, no rushing just a walk of leisure,
cold day, warm sun, no wind, jackets and hats,
so they seemed to enjoy their journey,
gentle touching with soft laughs,
their eyes young with love and companionship,
together these many years.
December mornings
12.01.08 (11:57 am) [edit] | |
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December morning
I love December mornings with its grey clouds,
drizzle gently falling,
the sleeping, yes dormant trees
shutting down for winter’s onslaught,
(referring my own mind to winter nights,
cold, wet, cozy beneath a thick quilt,
as foolish as that may sound);
stark branches against the overcast sky
delicate in the lines presented,
a silhouette of great beauty,
so much somber beauty to behold,
and the silence truly a healing balm
for a mind needing rootedness in the moment.
Much enclosed
11.30.08 (12:10 pm) [edit] | |
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Much enclosed
There is much enclosed in the human heart:
Fire,
our longing for union deep,
to be truly seen
were words superfluous
and love absolute.
Ice
for deep depressions and doubt,
the home of inner fears rising from the depths,
anxiety,
over the non existence awaiting us in death.
Sand,
for the inner desert of nothingness,
land marks gone ,
just the step ahead
leading to places unknown,
our only choice is to simply step forward.
Heavy burdend is the heart,
for our world a no man's land
always seeking,
finding,
then losing again going deeper,
as we dive into the mystery
of who we are
and the Transcendent pursuing us.
Pure gift
11.29.08 (7:05 pm) [edit] | |
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Pure gift
The giftedness of life often taking for granted,
until either something lost
or a near miss experienced.
"Thank God", often the expression uttered,
bringing to mind the randomness
that is a part of life in a universe free
and a bringing to mind gratitude
for simply being.
To love is lifes' greatest gift, leading to loss,
inner suffering and emptiness,
yet without love all of life
would be a nothingness too hard to bear.
The good and the bad,
pain and joy,
is part of the mystery of our lives,
something to be lived
in order to be understood.
Blue Heron
11.29.08 (8:50 am) [edit] | |
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Blue Heron
In my walk on this Autumn day I saw a Blue Heron sitting,
on a small island like a throne it seemed to rest
in the comforting sun. Then, it would get up and walk
in a funnily elegant way and then simply sit again, with neck
pulled in, then suddenly standing and spreading it’s wings,
flying with grace almost languidly across the lighted waters, to arrest upon
fallen limbs, adorned with light grey bark. Seeking sustenance, it seemed to patiently
wait, its long beak seeking to come into play, bringing swift death
to its intended prey.
Such beauty all around played out in the silence of an
early afternoon, with grasses browned by the season,
blowing gently in the deeply felt cool breezes, refreshing
like the kiss of God. I left my friend, my feet making
crunching sounds on the gravel beneath, another gift of
beauty, this strange music that I make along with wind, the bird,
and dancing grasses.
I came upon a field open, harvested, beautiful in it’s serenity,
Geese sitting quietly further on watching me with intent, yet I had
no tooth or claw threatening, only good will as they looked, so
I walk slowly by, they unafraid. A clumsier predator they
would ever encounter, I laughed to myself, yet not loud so as
not to astound.
In silence deep, I hear your voice beloved; pure grace like
music it felt, yet not a voice, yet in fact it was, uttered in silence,
causing me to feel such deep inner peace that I was afraid
to break, yet I heard deeply, in deep quietude:
“My thou, my child, I love thee”.
Hatreds plan
11.28.08 (7:41 pm) [edit] | |
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hatreds plans
our hatreds making others contemptible,
so many groups, religions, ideologies,
spewing poison world wide, seducing the young
to become cannon fodder to carry out hatreds plans,
the state or some god it matters not, the fruit the same,
shattered bodies and sorrow spread out, in a world
already overwhelmed by strife.
Does it matter?
11.28.08 (8:07 am) [edit]
What does it matter?
In deep peace and silence, or inner storms blowing,
perhaps I war with my inner demons,
my soul feeling wounded by my poverty;
yet what does it matter Lord?
For my Thou you are ever present,
Your love never changing enfolding us all,
in chaos and inner drought or in plenty,
when you draw near, like the warm sun
on a cold afternoon, what does it matter?
In darkness sure you lead us, cruel in your love,
slowly healing us of pretensions and idols,
for infinite love while at times seeming cruel
is only healing us deeply in ways unseen,
for we are your workmanship, your work of art.
Indeed each a masterpiece, your loving doing,
slowly over long years, for some speedily, yet others
sometimes slow and arduous,
yet it does not matter, for we are your art.
What does it matter?
For Lord it is you who cling to our souls your beloveds, we flounder in our
inner seas, yet asleep you can at times seem, but amidst it all in the chaos and fear,
in our instability you are sure.
In pain and strife, or in joy and plenitude, in mourning or rejoicing,
in our lives like a dream passing we are accompanied,
hidden true you are our Thou,
for my Logos, in you we live and move and have
our being.
Sharing
11.27.08 (11:07 am) [edit] | |
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sharing
in God's image made,
in giving
we live out our calling,
for in sharing,
and generosity,
we communicate deeply
the desire
of infinite love.
Thanks-given
11.26.08 (6:37 pm) [edit] | |
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Thanks- given
surrounded by bounty
thanks is given,
time taken to reflect,
to eat and drink with loved ones,
giving thanks
for gifts received,
mercies granted;
prayer for those who do not have,
for it is a time
for compassionate reflection
and contemplation,
deepening ones capacity
to give to those
in need,
for mercy leads to mercy
ad-infinitum.
For those who seek
11.26.08 (8:13 am) [edit] | |
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For those seeking
Her name was Mary, a quiet woman,
petite, thoughtful, from which silence flowed,
it was like a river, I just like being around her,
something healing about here inner quietude.
“My trust in God was shaken”, she told me
one day, “in Kenya”; she went on, “I saw so much
that my trust in God was for a while disturbed,
healing took some time, but it is mending.”
The path is often dark for those seeking,
for our senses and our mind powerful
though they be, cannot grasp the infinite,
at times only coldness and quiet faith endure.
I only wish I could have talked to her more deeply,
perhaps some light could have been shed for me,
yet our faith leads us on the darkling path
toward a light and love unfathomable.
Yet called and upheld by grace we endure,
for the cross we all bear is real;
God with us in our struggles and failures
calling us “arise and walk”, and yes
mercy calls and we answer,
slowly deepening our faith,
letting go of human pretensions about God,
allowing the purifying fire to heal.
Yet deep within there is joy,
always,
for what we seek is simply that,
infinite joy.
No one sees God
11.25.08 (3:07 pm) [edit]
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Surveying the contemporary religious landscape, the division between atheist and believer seems stark. However, having long struggled to understand the purpose of life and the meaning of suffering, Michael Novak finds the reality of spiritual life far different from the rhetorical war presented by bestselling atheists and the defenders of the faith who oppose them.
In No One Sees God, Novak brilliantly recasts the tired debate pitting faith against reason. Both the atheist and the believer experience the same "dark night" in which God's presence seems absent, he argues, and the conflict between faith and doubt stems not from objective differences, but from divergent attitudes toward the unknown. Drawing from his lifelong passion for philosophy and his personal struggles with belief, he shows that, far from being irrational, the spiritual perspective actually provides the most satisfying answers to the eternal questions of meaning. Faith is a challenge at times, but it nonetheless offers the only fully coherent response to the human experience.
Ultimately, No One Sees God offers believers and unbelievers the opportunity to find common ground by acknowledging the complicated reality of the human struggle with doubt. Novak provides a stirring defense of the Christian worldview, while sidestepping the shrill tone that so often characterizes the discussion of faith, and given the challenges faced in the present age, all who value liberty will find hope in his new way of conversing.
Praise for No One Sees God
"This book is one of the most lyrical and moving reflections on God I have encountered. It is also remarkably generous, both to believers and nonbelievers. Most helpfully it is about how to pray, and how to suffer through the dark night in which answers, and communication, seem absent. A remarkable book by a remarkable man."
--Peggy Noonan, Wall Street Journal columnist, author of John Paul the Great
"Over the years, Michael Novak has explored with great insight the relationship between religion, society, and the individual. Here he engages with the recent intellectual challenges to religion and provides the perspective of a profound believer who knows what it is like to wrestle with doubt."
--Walter Isaacson, CEO of the Aspen Institute, author of Einstein: His Life and Universe
"Intensely personal and yet intellectually wide-ranging, this book shows Michael Novak at his best. No One Sees God conveys a depth, erudition, generosity of spirit, and wisdom that simply transcend anything that the new atheists have to offer."
--Dinesh D'Souza, author of What's So Great About Christianity
"This new book by Michael Novak is one of the most fascinating reflections on the God known through reason that I have ever encountered, the God whom we trust in shadow and in light, in defeat as well as in victory. Many, many readers will recognize in these pages elements of their own experience."
--Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House, author of Rediscovering God in America
"Michael Novak's new book counts as both significant and moving. He deploys logic and love, emotion and erudition, to address the most enduring questions of our existence."
--Michael Medved, nationally syndicated talk-radio host, author of Right Turns
"The word 'dialogical' might have been invented to describe Michael Novak. With great patience and lucidity he engages believers, unbelievers, and those who don't know what they believe in a conversation about the things that matter most."
--Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Editor in Chief of First Things
Bearing
11.25.08 (10:49 am) [edit]
Bearing
I often wonder what the Pauline saying “carrying each others burdens” really means. I would suppose each person who is trying to lead a deeply spiritual life will have to face up to this statement and find some way in which to live it. This is not about judging others, but merely how does one live with others who seem to be a source of either personal pain or a real problem for the many. It is not easy, for each individual will find that their difficulties are often unique to themselves.
I think one of the traps that I often fall into, and can cause me a lot of inner problems, is that I can fail to make a distinction with what I call ‘personal constrictions’, in other words, when people are at their worst, it is usually based on some kind of reacting, a defensive stance towards others are the world. Or, some personality trait that is merely compulsive and can lead to a misrepresentation of self. For instance, when I get tired (or anxious) I can become hyper, I really mean hyper, bantering, joking, making others laugh to the point were I can, I am sure, be a bit tiring to others. Well when I am in that warp 2 mode, it is not a true representation of who I really am, just a small part of me, perhaps the least important. However I am sure others see me only as ‘that’, so I can misrepresent myself and cause problems for others without meaning to. I would suppose my friends see through this and simply accept it as part of who I am, but also see something deeper that is worth knowing. I would say that this hyper activity is a ‘constriction&rsquo ; of my personality. In order to see something different, I guess one would have to take the time to see behind the mask and probe deeper.
In working with the infirm this insight or whatever you want to call it has helped me greatly over the years. Charles Zell has probably been the best teacher I have had in this regard. To say he was difficult to work with at times is an understatement. I guess it is on target to say that he had a personality disorder well beyond the norm. The way I understand it, people with personality disorders can only see things their way and are incapable of allowing others views in, so it can be a tad frustrating for those who have to deal with them on a regular basis. However, over the years I saw others sides to Charles that led me to not only grow in respect of his hidden self, but to also develop a genuine fondness and love for him. When he was relaxed, not threatened, his personality seemed to expand. When in this mode of being, his way of relating to others was genteel, respectful and laced with dry bits of humor. So I had to make a choice in deciding who the real Charles was. I guess both are of ‘him’, yet I came to the conclusion that the more expanded personality was the one I chose to identify him with. When I did this I was able to deal with his ‘constricted self’ with a bit of humor, which took a lot of pressure off of me. He also responded to this when he could. Now I am not saying my relationship with him was all sweetness and light, yet it was better, at least for me when I got this insight about him. From his perspective I am not sure. Though when he died, I know he was at peace with me.
When I was away for three weeks, I became part of a small community that came together for a sabbatical, a course that was three months long. When I arrived they were on the tail end of their journey together, and like one of the people said of the group: “we are a family here, very respectful of each other” Well I don’t think I made a very good first impression. I was perhaps anxious about being in a new environment, so yes I went into warp hyper 2 mode and kind of overwhelmed a couple of people there. I had to back paddle a bit, so it was a good learning experience for me, though I don’t think the damage was ever repaired completely, and understandably so. They were a quiet group, so here I came with my bantering and joking that could be taken as less that sensitive behavior, since they knew nothing about me. So it was humbling for me, but also another lesson in trying not to box people in by their compulsive behavior, since I felt boxed in a bit, though it was my fault and not theirs. They were all very good thoughtful people and it was an honor to meet all of them. Not the least for the needed lesson that I received from them. Though as is usual for me, it will take a lifetime for to really get some real handle on it; I can be a bit slow on the whole growth thing.
So I guess like others, I am also in need of being understood by others. If not I guess both sides loose out. I would think that most people have some kind of behavioral pattern that can cause them embarrassment, yet perhaps not being able to change it, at least some of the time. This insight can lead to being kinder and more understanding of others, which can also lead to less personal suffering. For in truth we al need to “bear each others burden”.
I think in the end, perhaps the biggest cross we have to bear, is ourselves.
Funeral
11.24.08 (4:05 pm) [edit]
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Funeral
Sweet insence filled the air,
clouds gently rising as if to heven,
soft chanting,
comforting melody,
prayers for the departed,
gifts offered,
eurcharist celebrated,
God becoming food
to enrich those left behind,
procession to the grave site,
cloudy cold day,
body lowered,
family and friends scattering dirt;
so are lifes endings,
ritural to comfort those who must continue
until meeting again forever.
Emil
11.23.08 (6:08 pm) [edit] | |
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Emilio
He was always a gentle man,
intelligent,
a teacher for many years,
beloved of many,
some would come along way
just to speak to him for a short time;
he welcomed them all.
With grace he accepted his admonishments
simply shrugging
"what can I do heh",
and then smile,
such a lovely human being,
who embraced life
and with faith accepted what came.
I was away when his time came,
though I was able to talk to him over the phone
the night before he died,
he spirits were good,
he laughed when talking to me,
and I said I love you Emilio
my friend.
So now he waits be lowered into the ground,
his body
at peace,
his soul with God;
you my friend
will be missed.
Yet
11.22.08 (10:31 am) [edit]
Yet
Lord,
It is hard to believe sometimes,
that the love longed for,
the union desired,
when the heart is filled;
is truly something real.
Yet
It is true I have doubts often,
yet I choose to press forward in faith,
that your promise holds true;
a light in an oft cold world
filled with pain and yes despair.
Yet
There is also love between people,
family and community,
support in time of sorrow
and affirmation in time of joy,
holding one another up
bearing each others burdens,
for it is not good to be alone.
Yet
Even in the deepest loneliness
Lord you are there,
often hidden yet your presence known,
grace upon grace in secret planted,
the heart like a flower slowly opens
to your infinite love and compassion.
Yet
The mystery stills remains,
for who can understand you Lord,
infinite love incarnate
who can stand such a thing,
yet longed for by all in the depths,
hidden by pain
yet the light shines through,
for love cannot be denied,
it’s pursuit sure
seducing the soul with soft touches
until it succumbs to your ardent advances.
EMDR
11.21.08 (11:22 am) [edit]
EMDR
When I was young, I had a way that helped me to deal with painful situations. In my head I created a long hallway that really went on forever. It was a memory storage vault. It was a dark place, but when troubled I would drag the memory there and throw it into the room and slam the door shut, and lock it. I really don’t know how many rooms there are, but I guess there are quite a few. It is surprising that I can still remember so much, for my memories go back to the crib. I am not saying my childhood was any more traumatic than anyone else; I just liked to lock up my memories.
Sometimes painful experiences can’t be processed properly, but get stuck in replaying themselves over and over again, leading to problems in life. I guess it is all about interpretation and perception. Our past dictates how we perceive the present in ways not often understood. I have found that insight and resolution can come by going back to those memories and reprocessing them as an adult. It is like giving the child more information leading to greater insight into the situation. The process that helps with this, going back and reliving a traumatic experience is called EMDR. The procedure is deceptively simple, it seems too easy, but it does work, at least it has from own experience. There are many web pages that deal with this kind of therapy; well worth the effort to look into, if one feels stuck and regular therapies don’t help. It is safe, and the results can be fast in coming, though of course personal work is always needed afterwards to live out the new perception of the event gone back to.
Often several sessions or needed, for some, possibly many sessions will be part of the process. For the core event is often a jump start into future events, which have something to do with the target point. I found it amazing how many memories I was able to get back in touch with and how reliving those experiences, allowed me to go back and see the primal point in a different, more mature and objective way. The brain then processes it the way it should have in the first place.
Writing and talking are very good ways of dealing with inner issues, yet there comes a time for many when it seems to stop working, it is then that EMDR seems to work best, or should I say that is when it worked best for me. The mind is amazing, and the journey one is taken on during a session can be a truly wonderful experience, though also painful, for in order to process some kind of reliving the experience is needed. For me the journey would proceed, and then suddenly I would experience a powerful emotional event, which then led to resolution. My facilitator also told me that some people don’t really experience anything, yet the process will still work itself out, all that is needed is for the mind to be allowed to do what must be done. Any kind of control will short circuit the whole process and really make it a waste of time. It is the letting go of control that is important. I have spoken to others who have experienced EMDR therapy and all of them have had the experience of reliving an event that caused trauma. I have yet to talk to anyone who says that they had no experience. So perhaps my facilitator told me that, so that I would not try to create some kind of event, there are no expectations, just let the process work on its own.
I am thankful for the experience of this kind of therapy, for it has helped get unstuck on some serious issues that I have struggled with all my life. Again it is not a magic bullet, I still have to work at it, it is just the emotional bubble is much less, so that I can now work on responding in a more rational level and not be manipulator by unresolved issues from the past.
Now these thoughts are my own, so if you are intererested best to visit one of the many sites on the web, here is one address: http://www.emdr.com/
Avoidance
11.20.08 (7:00 pm) [edit] | |
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Avoidance
yet without it progress cannot be made,
the humility to grasp what is needed
is the only way to healing,
all other paths
lead everywhere
but where one needs to go,
truth is not to be feared,
avoidance,
should be.
Trust
11.20.08 (12:51 pm) [edit]
Trust
a time of beginnings,
of hope
and joy in the sunrise,
there is mercy
enough for everyone
no matter ones state;
despair is useless,
trust never.
empathy
11.19.08 (12:47 pm) [edit] | |
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empathy
failures
and traumas,
can become sources of healing
for others.
empathy,
the power to feel for others ,
shakes
terminal uniqueness
to its roots.
People of sorrow
11.18.08 (11:19 am) [edit] | |
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People of sorrows
I would suppose that as time moves forward, we seem to learn more and more about who we are and the ‘why’ of how we often do things. In the past the vast majority of mankind needed to spend so much time to fight for simple survival that not much energy was left over to deal with some of the deeper issues of our race. In first world countries, many people are more educated and have some time to be able to ponder our inner life. We have philosophers, psychologist, writers of novels and movies, that mostly deal with our struggles, not just for survival, but searches the inner realms to discover that vast domain of past memories, wounds, love and joys, that not only form each as individuals but also as a species. For our prejudices, fears and outright hatreds are passed on from generation to generation leading to great suffering for all.
Those who are sexually abused as children often become abusers themselves. Innocent boy and girls brought up where physical abuse was played often get caught up in the same dynamic passing on the pain and sorrow. It is as if we carry the weight of the unfinished business of our ancestors. Perhaps the whole world an arena where this is played out, seen my billions on our TV screens. We often look to other parts of the world where suffering is lived out for all to see, a stable for the evening news. Yet in the homes of neighbors with their fine lawns and expensive cars, suffering just as intense is lived out on a daily basis. The very poor, the filthy rich and the majority in the middle, often have worlds of inner pain that only alcohol, drugs, sex and perhaps the pursuit of the good things of life can cover up. Yet when alone, by oneself, the pain or some symptom of that will arise. So best to stay active, away from the inner quagmire; one could drown, or so it is feared to be so by many.
We each have our burden to carry that will not go away, it is part of who we are, controls us in ways that we do not understand and if a way to deal with it not found, only deeper chaos will occur; developing slowly over the years, a life that will pass on what was learned from the past. Unless the cycle can be broken and a little light and healing will come into the world, which does happen more often than would be thought possible.
There are many ways to cope. These often evolve into serious addictions that only lead to further problems, not only for the one addicted but also for those who live with them. Who can often be addicts themselves, and yes the children often bearing the brunt of it all, being formed in mommy’s and daddy’s image and likeness.
The world is drowning in violence, physical and sexual abuse, wars, and yes slavery is still alive and strong in much of the world. Girls and boys kidnapped and auctioned off as sex slaves, only to be discarded or killed when they outlive their use. Those who survive, just imagine what kind of burden of pain and shame that they must bear, having to deal with years of abuse, pain and degradation. What becomes of them?
In my own soul I see what I am also capable of, which is not often pretty. Men are built to be warriors, we fight, defend. We can shut down our emotions so we can do what we are built to do. Yet even when fighting is needed men can often go over the edge in time of war, committing deeds that in their ‘normal’ life they would never think of committing. Murders, torture, rape, the list I am sure is longer than that. Yet when these same men come home they are tortured by what they did. I understand, for I could easily do the same thing if I was in their place. For I believe that we are all dangerous.
Yet the very fact that these men can be bothered is a sign of hope. For many seek a way out, to find healing and forgiveness. Many spend years seeking council, studying, praying for healing from their past and in so doing change, stop some of their cycles and also help others in the meantime. Some men seeing the harm they do to their wives and children seek help, not nearly enough, but enough to give hope. Drug addicts get help, then go out to help others find liberation. Women who are in abusive relationship leave and start a new life, again not nearly enough but still it give one hope.
I have my own inner web of pain, anger, rage and sorrow that I am trying to deal with. I came to me yesterday that here I am 60 years old and I don’t think I have ever asked anyone for help, at least not in any serious way. I just did not know how. I always thought that if I studied enough, or prayed enough, things will work out. Well some things did, but I got stuck in others and so now for the first time in my life I have asked for help. I guess I was like an apple that was ready to dropped, I am glad there were those who caught me and are now helping me in ways that I never thought possible.
I think the only way to break the chains of the past is through understanding and then forgiveness, for me it is the only way. So each is on their path, yet none are alone, for amidst all the hells we have to slough through, we are accompanied. Faith does not give simple answers; it just says that we are companioned, upheld by an unseen presence, yet loving, as a Christian I call this presence Jesus the Christ. Yet the Logos is present in all hearts, living, feeling, tenting with us. So for a man of faith there is always hope and the ability to slowly grow in love and compassion not only for myself but for others.
The soul bent down with misery and pain,
a life of struggle unending,
alone it seems
yet that reality is a lie,
for each upheld by a presence unseen,
yes held and loved,
sad there are no easy answers
for our road is rocky
filled with thorns along the way,
yet also love,
companionship,
lightening all of our loads,
for in giving we receive in return
and grace
well it is there always
for no matter how dark the night,
nor the depth of pain,
nothing can separate us from the one who made us,
tents with us,
uplifts us,
and when the dark door of death beckons,
awaits us.
Balance
11.17.08 (7:30 pm) [edit]
Balance
seeking release in ways divine,
often misdirected
such is it inner force,
a lifetime needed to learn balance
in which the fire soothes
but does not burn.
I-Thou
11.17.08 (11:14 am) [edit]
I-Thou
We are God’s Thou
and the Eternal’s is ours,
we are sought by Love
even as we seek it,
our longing and that of the divine
meet as Thou.
The inner thirst
experienced as dryness,
emptiness,
aloneness,
can only be filled
by the I-Thou embrace,
so intimate,
yet the journey hard,
long,
arduous.
Failures,
wounds collected on the journey
only increase the longing
for Thou.
For in mercy
is the lesson learned,
that what pursues us
is the Thou of our souls.
Waiting
11.16.08 (7:46 pm) [edit] | |
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Waiting
my body calm and at rest
I seek the Lord
waiting.
To confess
11.16.08 (11:26 am) [edit]
To confess
To stand perhaps afraid and anxious
before the one with whom the sacrament shared,
to seek transparency to express what is in the heart,
the failures,
wounds
and sins hidden away,
in cellars of shame filled with the past,
perhaps cycles from generations grown old,
long dead but for their legacy of pain,
where light has not shined
only secrets stay enclosed;
locked.
So the day arrives when all is brought to mercies seat,
before one who speaks for Christ,
his voice to heal,
his arms to enclose,
his own humanity ever before him,
a stranger not to the human soul.
To express and name
is set it free
before God’s merciful love,
gentle in its understanding,
shown by the torrent of love and forgiveness
freely bestow,
inexhaustible.
To trust we are called,
fear is useless,
transparency is the sacraments gift,
honesty with self
before one who knows it all,
waiting in our place of sin and deep shame,
to embrace and heal,
encourage
and yes to walk with us on our journey.
We are never alone.
Eternal one
11.15.08 (6:42 pm) [edit] | |
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Eternal one
Moments pass
nothing can be held,
for time passes swiftly
and all that is left
is sand running through our hands.
Yet the heart seeks,
longs for that which is eternal,
manifested as Father
who holds us close
in times of pain,
also of joy,
in loss
and in gain,
We are held
by
the Eternal one
The greatest gift
11.15.08 (10:31 am) [edit] 
The greatest gift
Many times forgiveness is not given for the pain is too much,
a wound received so deep and enduring that it clouds ones life,
the world becoming a place of danger filled with people untrustworthy.
Like a thorn in the foot it causes the sufferer to limp through life,
until it seems to be almost normal, for buried deep the pain sleeps,
yet it’s effects felt by those around them.
Until one day the pain, rage and yes the underlying sorrow are dealt with,
then it is learned that what is needed, what was lacking though no ones fault,
for the right time has to arrive, (the grace to receive), to learn simple understanding and forgiveness.
For beneath the layers there is still love and the desire for union, connection,
conversation, laughter and yes the embrace that says it all.
You are loved and have the ability to also give in return, the flower is not dead,
waiting in seed form to once again trust and reach out to those once feared, yet now
loved. Such is the gift of understanding and forgiveness.
You never know
11.14.08 (11:55 am) [edit]
You never know
Life can be funny, for even though at times things can seem chaotic, absurd, yet if one has the ability to look, to ponder, at times amazement can be the fruit. For small choices are perhaps the most important, the ones we make on an everyday basis. To do this, the right thing and not that, the easier, but not something one would call good; is not easy. So many choices are made, some good and some bad, yet people seem to slowly fall into making one sort over the other. So I guess for those who can make choices, it is important to truly ponder the small things chosen.
Then one day on waking, something happens, where a pleasant or for some a not so pleasant surprise, over what one has become. All events in our lives are important, if only the eyes to be able to see that are developed. We all desire something. For some it is power, or money, or looks, perhaps knowledge, which in the end if not based on something good, lead to a very dark and lonely future. For we tend to gather around us like minded folks. It is as if we all have unconscious radar that draws us to one another. If we have trustworthy people surrounding us then our lives will slowly get richer, if not, well it can get dark and cold, until something is learned and some sort kind of change is taken. I guess it is called conversion.
People often have grandiose ideas about conversation. Something that happens suddenly with great drama, when it fact it can be a process of one small turning after another, for as the saying goes, grace grows with nature. Grace is everywhere, or as St. Theresa would say: "everything is a grace". Everything, the good and well as what is bad. There is great tragedy in life, yet also stories, more common than many assume, where people become truly great loving human beings in spite of their past. No, they are not perfect, for we are all flawed, but perhaps our flaws are also part of our beauty.
Yes I know, many seem to sink under the weight of tragedy in their lives, yet as a Christian I see things differently. For Christ truly dwells with us, for in the Gospel of John, it begins stating, that "the Word was with God, and the Word was God and through that Word all things were created". So Jesus Christ is not just a Jewish rabbi, he is the greatest of mysteries. We Christians so often get caught up in our petty scripture quoting that we can often miss the message of Christ (I include myself in this criticism). Not only the message but we tend to lose focus on how Christ actually treated others, something I think we could all learn from.
When dying Christ forgave those who killed him. So it shows a mercy well beyond the human way of doing things. We have the story of the Prodigal son, yet we often seem to delight in denying the mercy we have freely received to others, often seeming to gloat over the thought of someone in hell. In the last judgment in the Gospel of Matthew Christ seems to judge others on the love in their heart and what they do for others. Yet there are Christians who believe that hell is full of loving caring human beings. As if Christ should have said: "even though you visited me in prison, fed me when hungry, cared for when sick, well too bad: for you did not make the prayer of accepting me as you Lord and savior. So off to hell you go" It is strange, some believe that those who are filled with love for others, going to hell. If that happened, they would begin to minister to those there, making it heaven I think, for God is love.
I find it strange, religion, so much good, yet so much pathological rage directed at those outside. I guess we all have a long way to go. I am just happy that God is not made in our image, but we in his. It would seem that it is love that we are made for, yet we wish to deny it to others. We can be so condescending and cold in our attitudes towards others. Christ the healer, we can be the condemners, perhaps we are more like the Pharisees than we think. Of course there are many exceptions to this, it is just those on the fringe of any group are often become the spokesperson for the group. I suppose the four horsemen are an example. Their strident atheism becomes the voice for atheist all over the country, though many, perhaps the majority does not agree with their tactics are conclusions. They are simplistic when talking about what I believe and what I am, so yes they reduce me and everyone outside their fold to a stereotype. Funny they become the very problem they say they are trying to fix.
Of course this is a common human trait. Every group has their book or books that they can quote from in order to make themselves feel special. Randites quote Ayn Rand, atheists quote Freud, Muslims have the Koran. Angry atheists quote Dawkins with approval. So it is not really religion, it could be anything; it is just hard wired in us I think. Yet Christ said love one another, perhaps that is the only way to break this silly adolescent instinct we have. It does not work anymore, though perhaps it did in the past; it is time to work at laying this kind of thing to the side, though it takes hard work. For I know that I have prejudices, asleep, they wake up when I am under stress, not quite rational, then I feel them. Prejudices are pre-judgments, stereotypical thinking, forced on us when young, it is time to grow up.
Letter to Michael
11.13.08 (11:24 am) [edit] | |
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Letter to Michael (my little brother)
My dear Michael,
I am not sure that this letter is necessary, yet for the last few years (maybe 10) there are times when I feel that I really long to see you, or I miss you, I am not sure, so perhaps writing you will help me to clarify this experience.
I can still remember the day mom told me about you. She was still in bed recuperating, she returned from the hospital I think a couple of days before. I was sitting on the bed, she was lying under a sheet, looking weak, but she was smiling sadly at me. She told me about you, how at her 6th month she was told that a cesarean was needed in order to force your birth. She was told that your chances of survival were small, but if this was not done both of you and mom would die. She did not want to do it, but the sisters at the hospital told her that she had 9 children at home who needed her. They also said that they would do everything in their power to save you.
Well they did, and you struggled for three days but finally died. She seemed peaceful, but on looking back I am sure she was racked with inner pain over you loss. Me, well I did even know mom was pregnant, I guess at 6 months she had not really begun to show.
As we talked I tried to comfort mom; though being 9 years old I am not sure I really understood her loss, or your death for that matter. I never saw you, held you, kissed you, no memories, none at all, so at the time, it seemed to have no effect on me.
Then, I guess when I was in my middle or late forties; I started to have some feelings or emotions about your death. I felt an inner longing for you, a lot of “what if’s”. You know for instances: if you lived you would be about 50 now, so what would you be like, would we get along, your job, wife, kids, a whole slue of questions that show a deep hole in the family at this time; well at least for me, I can’t speak for anyone else.
The pain comes in varying degrees, and then goes goes, it is not violent but the longing seems to grow slowly as I age. I think it will continue to do so. I have talked to you, and at times I think I feel you close, in fact maybe the longing goes both ways? Is that possible? At times I think I envied you, for you did not have to go through life like the rest of us did, but on reflection as I age, I don’t anymore, envy you For life is glorious and you did not have that honor of living, suffering, loving and yes even hating like the rest of us had. Perhaps you grow as we do, experience what we do and grow from that? I know that I feel a connection with my ancestors and I guess you are one of them, aren’t you?
and hopefully one day I will be able to hold you tight and kiss your forehead my beloved little brother.
They whisper
11.12.08 (11:18 am) [edit]
They whisper
I hear their soft whispers as I pray,
leading me on my journey through life,
as if,
or perhaps is,
important to them that I continue.
To face the chains and pain of family;
So much weight born by those who come behind
carrying the burden of things left undone,
cycles of abuse and pain,
hidden shame buried deeply,
addiction learned or inherited,
unfinished business,
keeping healing at bay,
generations kept hostage
unless the cycle broken.
So the wheel turns.
Until,
The time comes when trust is gained,
the inner secrets without scorn
but with love an compassion
brought before God’s loving gaze
with those who become Christ for those who seek refuge,
forgiveness,
healing,
not only for themselves,
also for those who have come before,
ancestors,
waiting for our love
and yes forgiveness,
that as we the living are set free,
so perhaps those of our past
find rest.
Mountains
11.09.08 (12:41 pm) [edit] | |
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Mountains
to see the mountains in the distance, so tall,
so majestic in their beauty,
slightly speckled with snow whitely shining in the
bright sunlight.
I often find mountains oppressive, for it is the sea that I love, however
here they seem to uplift me,
calling me to have the courage to travel my upward pilgrimage,
to not fear, for the sun will aways shine leading the way.
The air so dry,
thinner than I have ever experienced,
drinking lots of water,
perhaps a habit I will keep
when I return to lower
heavier air,
yet as much as I love it,
I miss my home,
soon to return,
yet I must rest here awhile
delving into what ails me.
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I suppose
Life is very hard for everyone and I have found no exceptions we each have our burden to carry, for some it seems unbearable, tragedies abound, common really, yet for each a unique experience, accentuating the loneliness that we each must face on our pilgrimage, heavy burdened, yet we keep on the path, such is human dignity,for we are all seekers, no rest is allowed us, nothing satisfies for long.
It seems that some become bitter, swallowed up in their pain, trapped in endless cycles of agony and despair passed on to others generation after generation, the wounds manifest, causing havoc.
Yet is this all there is?
The resurrection is a joyful belief, yet many don’t understand that the way It was love that gave him the strength, the only thing stronger than death, for he took upon himself all of our sufferings and yes our death.
Whatever we go through, so God experiences, such is love. A loving father carries the burdens of the beloved. Who is the beloved (?), you are, I am and all are pursued by infinite love. So Christ died, tortured to death, just as most of us are in many varied ways, often unknown to ourselves the depth of our self destructive behavior. So Christ, out of love, suffered and died for us and with us, outside of time, his death encompassed all times, all lives, all pain, failures, and the most degrading shame. A mystery that will never be fully understood, such is our joy, to delve ever deeper into this treasure.
So he died, as we all must. Each worn out by our burdens and failures, yet we are loved, for did
not Christ say: "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." So it is, after Christ resurrection, even in his glory his wounds remain, his glory, our glory. So with us and our wounds;
they to will be our glory.
So we are one, and when we pray we become all before the face of the loving Father of lights. We are one, what we do to another we do to Christ, which means we also do to ourselves, for we are one. Together when we pray we embrace all, gather them in a circle of love; for we are one.
Is it true, that all will be well? Something hard to believe or understand, yet we pray and hope, inspired by the Holy Spirit, wounded by love of all, we stagger together into the arms of our
Father who calls us. Sins weighs us down, shame can consume us, often more sinned against
than sinner, yet we sin against others and against God, so to mercy we are all called, to embrace
the gift, the ultimate gift, which is love, compassion, healing, flowing from mercy.
I am not saying I understand, yet in spite of doubts, I embrace this truth that many feel to be foolish, let them, it does not matter, for together we still must travel the same road of ourpilgrimage, and hopefully those who do believe, will understand what it means to pray, to
become all, to become one, to bring all before Christ’s mercy; for it is not up for us to judge, and for that I am grateful.
The couple
11.07.08 (10:31 pm) [edit] | |
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The couple
the food good and company pleasant,
when I saw a couple across the way
setting silence staring forward,
so I watched wondering about them,
why they seemed not to interact,
then she put her head on his shoulder
and he leaned over and pleased his forehead
on her hair
his eyes closed with a gentle smile,
so quiet this exchange
perhaps they needed no words
to distract
from the silence they shared,
in their booth
set apart by their love.
Inner path
10.31.08 (2:32 pm) [edit] | |
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Inner path
To seek the inner way
is not one for the faint of heart;
the dark path of inner knowledge
allowing their faces to surface,
for there be monsters that live in the dark;
neither good nor evil,
they are ugly because they are feared
so they grow unchecked,
unless one is willing to face them,
seeking understanding,
letting go of fear;
in that is freedom,
for grace grows with humility
which is accepting simple truths
allowing the inner light to shine forth.
Energy builds and seeks expression,
if ignored or discounted
it only increases it's desire to be heard,
brought out into the light,
salvation is from love,
it's wounding
in order to heal.
Louder
10.29.08 (4:41 pm) [edit] | |
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Louder
I am not listened to at this meeting,
for I have something to say,
while the others are blathering
their senseless opinions,
my points I consider
so wanting to get my point across
if only the others would shut up,
perhaps if I screamed a little more louder
I could drown out all others
forcing them to finally accept
my humble offering.
Spending time
10.27.08 (4:41 pm) [edit] | |
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Spending time
I am told that simply ‘spending time’, is the best way of showing care in any kind of relationship. For instance, loving parents make sacrifices, sometimes great ones to be with their children. Vacations are a good example, usually undertaken more for the child’s pleasure than for the fulfillment of any needs of the parents. Friendship cannot long survive if time is not spent in deepening the relationship, which yes, can be a form of sacrifice from time to time. If time cannot be made for the loved one, or friend, then something is not what it is said to be. While often forgotten, the sad truth is, time is our most precious commodity, since we only have so much of it, and yes it goes by so rapidly. So how we spend it is important. However once relationships are cemented, taken root, then and only then will long stretches of not spending time not be detrimental to the friendship, or the parent and child bond.
For me this gives me pause, when I think about my own relationship with God. It is not the same as with my loved ones and friends, since God is not seen or felt, at least not in any corporal way. Praying on the run, is not always that difficult, but just being, waiting, sitting in silence can at times be very difficult and I do not always do it very well. I wonder what that says about me. Quality time with God is that what it is all about. People can often be objectified in life and not in the sexual sense alone. We can become functions for one another, pawns on a chess board to be moved around and perhaps moved out of our lives if they become useless. That is what pawns are for aren’t they, fodder to get to something else. Perhaps that is the essence of sin, where the world is looked upon as just being filled with objects for my own will and desire. I guess I can do that with God also. There for comfort, when not needed, put on the back burner. God, becoming just another pawn in the oft dreary comings and goings in life, seeing to manipulate, but like all other manipulation, it does not work.
Perhaps that is what spending time is all about. To truly be with the loved one, or friend; willing to set aside a very precious commodity, our time, to be with them., seeing them not as objects, but as subjects worthy of our love and attention; our care. If that can be done, I would suppose that would also spread as maturity deepens to others as well. Who are not considered friends, or among the loved ones, but being able to see them as subjects anyway. Perceived not as pawns, lifeless ‘things’ to be put here or there based on a whim or desire.
So it is with God if I truly am serious about having a loving relationship with Him. (I wish we had way to describe God, because ‘Him’ and ‘Her’ just don’t cut it, at least for me.) It is painful to realize how little I have grown in this regard. For spending time with God, can at times be the hardest thing I can do. I squirm, fret, get bored, can’t read or concentrate, fall asleep, sigh; well it is easy to get the point. To spend time with the infinite can be a chore, because yes, I objectify God. God the thing, the pawn, there to take away my ‘whatever’, which of course the ‘whatever’ is not. So childish, I wonder if I will ever move beyond such shallowness in this regard; though it no longer surprises me this form of immaturity.
At times I am barely able to take one step forward, yet I persist, why? My only answer to this question is grace. It seems it is the infinite ‘who’ is faithful, true, loving, not treating me as a pawn, just there, picking up the crumbs that I offer and accepting them. It is really hard for me to grasp this reality, yet I still feel pursued and also pulled at the same time. My moods of despondency don’t last long, for I am uplifted by infinite love. As I am, so are all others, for we are each made in God’s image and likeness. This mercy that is shown me, I am called to show to others. How can I possibly judge when I am acutely aware of my own need for mercy and grace, my own shallowness and immaturity.
More often than not, I think judging is a form of scapegoating; to place on those around us, and condemning them, what is really in our selves. It is easy to see this dynamic in others, but really difficult to see it in oneself. Judging and justice is not the same thing. Justice is based on facts, judging is often based on projection plus gossip, a volatile mix. A great deal of pain and suffering is caused in the world by this kind of thing. It seems to be instinctive to our species, which I think only self knowledge on a deep level can stop.I do it automatically at times, hard to stop it, perhaps impossible. In any case, perhaps all we can do is to keep trying. I think it is always about simply not giving up, just one step at a time. Mercy infinite calls us.
found
10.26.08 (6:42 pm) [edit] | |
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found
transfixed
unable to move,
something impossible happened,
loved found
when all hope was lost.
Stuff
10.26.08 (11:29 am) [edit]
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Stuff
When people begin their inner walk they can be very excited about it, glowing, happy, which is a very good thing. However the actual road traveled can be something unexpected, unpleasant, nasty, yet in the end rewarding. In every fairy tale there is danger, the witch, the monster, the wolf, the list is endless. All these point not only to the dangers of the outer world, but also to our inner universe. The paradox is self knowledge can lead to its own species of suffering, but not the kind that can lead to ruin and even death. At least for the most part, there are no guarantees. Inner demons can be strong, and a lifetime is needed in order to deal with them. Each person has their own set of problems to deal with. Addictions are the most glaring; well some of them. Those that make the most trouble for those who have to live with them. However I think most people have addictions that are hidden, or perhaps socially more acceptable, yet in the inner domain, still do a great deal of harm; it is just more hidden.
I think as I get older I am simply getting to be more of who I am inside. So I guess that includes some things that are not always ‘nice’. I think I hate ‘nice’, the plastic smiles that look like they are painted on, with the eyes saying something different. Filters I am told slowly drop away as we age, so who knows I could become a grouch yet. I know that I can get into a mood at work, and I get real picky about things, pointing out this and that and not being able to really stop, or perhaps I don’t want to. I think Jung calls it an
“anima possession”, where men tend to act like inferior women. In other words, it is men who are the ‘bitches’, not the women, we just project that on to them. Now women become ‘little overly rational judges’ when processed by their animus, so I guess they are the real ‘bastards’, kind of funny, glad I have a sense of humor. Also I know that I am over simplifying a tad.
They (I would like to meet them some day, so much is attributed to them) say humility is a simple accepting of truth, and then learning to live with it. Well I guess I have a lot to be humble about, it is the living with it that is the thorn in my side. Well I think I have more than one. For I tend to over think, over analyses, which really has its own can of worms that have to be dealt with. It gets weary and I sometimes wish I had more of a brick wall between me and my own unconscious, but I don’t, just lots of inner images, voices (no I am not crazy), dreams and memories that go way back to the crib. Can’t seem to quiet any of them. So I write, pray, read, in simple terms, try to stay ahead of my own inner pack. Of course if someone gave me the options to actually put up a brick wall in front of my unconscious, I would refuse. Not sure what kind of life it would be for me if that happened. I guess most would admit to that, best to accept who we are, with both the joys and sorrows and the simple ‘pain in the ass’ things that go with simply being human. I do trust the process, though I can get a little ‘anima possessed’ about it at times.
No matter how each person deals with reality, they all can find lots of company with those who are pretty much like they are. We are all unique, but not that unique. For me Jung works, for others it would be some other writer that I perhaps would not even think of reading, or if I did, would not be able to understand on any deep level. So we each have our own way of dealing with the ‘stuff’ that simply happens every day and hopefully able to find mentors, whether in books or in person to help us grow in understanding.
Faith can be bare boned at times, with trust being the only operative ingredient working. Chaos seems to be part of life, though if I had my way I would do away with that. Then again, I feel if that wish came true, perhaps I would disappear, or just become flat, like a lake with no ripples; for struggles seems to be needed by our species. Like the salmon striving to go upstream to breed, so we do the same, often for reasons that are veiled. An inner compass guides me, and I believe others, for again I am not that unique. Or another way; common, everyday, in my uniqueness. The inner compass? Well that I feel is grace; quiet, hidden, yet powerfully at work in all lives. Though, I guess those who suffer from terminal uniqueness (I have been there, and will perhaps revisit that silly place), well that is not good news at all. Life is less tragic if it is known that we all pretty much go through the same things. It can also be a comfort, shit happens to all of us. Who knows, perhaps in the end, it is all good……I kind of believe that. Life goes by fast, just holding on can be the best thing we can do and simply not giving in to despondency or despair. The real work is in the depths, we are God’s work of art.
Inner hunger
10.25.08 (1:42 pm) [edit]
Inner hunger
As I age, my weight goes up. I suppose that is normal, metabolism changes, lessens, I get less active, yet eat the same as when I was younger, so the end product is that my waist line is getting bigger. I guess I am about 40 lbs overweight. In my twenties until my 40’s I was 165 pounds. Over the years since my 40’s my weight seems to jump in increments of four or five pounds at a time.
Of course, there is also my relationship with food that is the main culprit. Some people say we should just eat in order to simply live, not live to eat. I have known some people for whom food is not an item in their lives. In fact they often forget to eat, I envy that actually. Myself, I don’t eat a great deal, it is just what I eat. Peanut butter and honey sandwiches with milk, french fries, yes fatty foods, the kind that seem to ground you, at least for a time.
Childhood memories of food also keep me going back to these tastes, perhaps in an effort to relive some kind of nostalgic memory that never actually was true. Hamburgers and French fries for a child can be one of the ultimate experiences in ‘fun’ food, along of course with a coke. Something delicious, fatty and really not very good for you, oh yes the tons of sugar in coke along with the caffeine Hmmmmmmm good. So yes my own peculiar love of certain kinds of food go way back. Baloney sandwiches with lots of mustard, another killer I guess, but hey, I luv em.
Now I also like foods that are actually good for me, however accept for oatmeal they tend not to be comfort foods. When I am anxious, down, angry, I don’t think about eating a carrot or some other veggie, no it is something fatty, grounding for me. Also I think I simply fear that inner emptiness at times, I feel that I will float away if I don’t get something substantial into me. Well the substantial part works, the grounding is another subject all together.
French fries call out to me when I am out. “Psssst hey Mark, I am here at Wendy’s drive thru, please come and lets party!” Yeah I could sit down and have three large helpings of french fries and still want more. Happy to say that I don’t often indulge that kind of thing, too old and I am trying to keep my weight below a certain level also the number of pills I have to take. I am not growing old gracefully at least in the pill department.
I don’t diet, but try to keep my portions down, so I guess I would be really heavy if I did not do that. I know that there is some compulsion in how I eat and I need to work on that. That is not the same as dieting. I know people that are always on a diet, for years, and yet they still gain weight. I know if I consciously eat, I eat less. Some hunger pangs go away if I just let them set a while, and over the years that has helped, though again I am slowly getting heavier. I think my dad and his brothers leveled off at about 215; perhaps I will do that, though I am quite a way off from that. On my mother’s side, they for the most part tend to be thin. David and Georgia are like that, the rest, well we resemble dear old dad. Craig I think is somewhere in the middle.
So back to the “eat to live”, in other words just eat what you need for the body. Now I don’t know anyone who actually does that. Those who simply don’t like to eat don’t count. There may be some out there who actually live that way, but I would imagine that there could be other areas of their lives where this need for grounding or comfort comes into play. We dine, we celebrate with food, we go to great lengths to make our meals with others beautiful, fancy, with lots of time and money spent doing that. We eat with those we love, with friends, where actual manners don’t always have to be played out. We can relax, have fun, laugh, and reach across the table without someone putting a knife through our hand, just be ourselves. All of this built around the ritual of eating with one another.
Manners are needed, but they were developed to have a universal code of eating, with not only strangers, but with ones enemies. So most people just want to be with friends and loved ones when they get together for a meal, less chance of any getting killed. For instance, in some cultures they do not use knives at meals, wonder why that is? Power lunches are formal affairs, so I would think manners and eating ‘just so’, are very important, but I would think hardly something to look forward to.
I know my own weakness with certain kinds of foods could shorten my life. Somehow a life with only carrots, veggies, and things low in fat don’t seem much of a temptation. I am not strong enough to do without some kind of dependence on something, that in the end is not good for me.
The perfect come back
10.24.08 (7:47 pm) [edit] | |
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perfect come back
yes she replied:
"it takes a lot of work",
stunned for a moment
then I laughed,
what a perfect come back
for a neurotic like me.
Whirl
10.24.08 (2:38 pm) [edit]
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Whirl
It is the ‘whirl’ some get caught up in, the pool that can drag anyone under,
desires for success and recognition, a very hard god to serve. Demanding everything;
ones family, friends, a sacrifice on the altar of having it all, the power a drug,
greed an ever deepening well of hunger, never filled, always empty,
driven more and more to get what ones desires. No one exempt it seems, each can be caught,
imprisoned, for power and greed feed on what is good.
The horizon limited by the demands of the day, failing to see what others do,
that the price paid in the end at such a high cost, for once love lost, is not regained;
in the end perhaps not worth the living, draining, constant sacrifice, the constant search for illusion, the grasping after smoke that cannot deliver what the heart truly seeks.
What is it that the inner soul seeks, in its mad rushing here and there? At times it seems
the answer not so easy, yet few find contentment without those whom they love in life,
often lost in the climb, that they are often told that is what they must do. Success is good, so is money, posterity is not evil. It is what is done to achieve that causes so much anguish. Humanity lost, all become cogs, loved ones added to the mesh, and life shatters like wind shields after an accident, just bits and pieces the aftermath of the tragedy.
Driven harder to succeed, the void of mortality slowly catches up, desperation intense to find or achieve what is not there, for the heart is made for finer things, that yes the poor often fail to see and seek. For hunger for what they are told is needed, makes all one in the mad rush for what cannot fulfill, without that one small quiet desire, hidden, weak, yet in the end the strongest pull, that of simple love.
In grasping we diminish, in giving our souls expand. Not a secret, yet blindness seems to rule the day, self destruction is what is most often sought, seeking to fill the ever deepening wound that power and wealth can not heal. Eat ourselves to an early grave, drink until we can no longer think, and our merrymaking often manic in its desperation to escape the one thing necessary. What we desire most, we seek in places where it can not be found, this is known, but ignored to our ever deepening anguish and pain.
So the day comes with the body is cold and still, naked on the slab, being made pretty by the men in black, their job and occupation, to deny what is there, the horror of death and its loss. One life, how often wasted, the heart broken becoming hard, the soul and its whisperings buried beneath the ‘real’ everyday, in the end a lie.
So on mercy we depend, in the end we know little, yet hope can still take root, for as hard as it is to believe, we are made in the image and likeness, often hidden, of the greatest mystery we will ever encounter. Yes we often fail, but love does not, and what we truly seek will be made manifest, that is our only hope.
The infinite and eternal cannot be understood, yet it does not make it unreal, perhaps it is the only real reality.
the drink
10.23.08 (5:25 pm) [edit]
the drink
thirst,
always within the soul,
hidden often,
yet its dust still chokes,
seeking to drink in what is not true,
so the sands deepen within
until the waters
of love
found.
Mute
10.23.08 (11:37 am) [edit]
Mute
chest tight with suppressed rage that dare not be said,
fist clenched to help restrain the beast howling within,
before the one he loves the most,
knowing that nothing simply can be done,
only the fight with self to keep the lid on Pandora’s box.
Thor seeking expression that simply cannot be,
so face red,
body trembling with effort,
becoming mute is the road taken,
the only one open for men who lack the language to say
or express what lies below the rage and pain,
that he himself has no clue,
only the aching understanding how dangerous he can be
and none must ever be hurt.
So swallowed the anger goes within,
body slowly wearing out with the fight,
whispered prayers seeking to find strength
from the endless wheel of pain and regret.
An inner hell many angry men dwell in,
the cold fire of rage the lion they seek to tame,
alone no one knows the price that is paid, this inner struggle,
they being judged by their failures and not the inner battle
won in loneliness at such a high cost.
Till the day the battle ends,
the body now silent it rest at last,
the inner battle silenced for ever
no one knowing the cost that was paid,
to simply live a simple life
with love left behind.
We each walk a razors edge to simply be decent,
the cost so common often overlooked,
for a generous heart is gotten with a deep price,
the soul’s blood well worth it.
Wondering
10.21.08 (6:57 pm) [edit]
Wondering
Waiting on the gurney under a clean sheet,
exposed,
naked,
vulnerable,
waiting to be transported for his procedure,
alone fearing the worst that can happen
for his body was to be cut deep,
the outcome unsure.
His life on track so many plans,
the months filled with duties and places to go,
a life in the fast lane going round and round,
each rung of the ladder came with a price.
Until the day the doctor looked concerned,
then without warning his life truncated without warning,
so little by little he came to understand,
that yes,
his mortality was something sure,
death no longer something far away,
for it could be his time today.
In the room cold,
lights too bright,
the laugher of those preparing
an affront to what he was facing,
a body that betrayed him
soon to be wounded in order to heal.
He looked at the syringe placed in the tube
knowing soon his mind would go blank,
not knowing if he will ever wake up.
So he closed his eyes waiting for oblivion,
his last question no one heard:
“Lord are you there?”
Color
10.20.08 (6:27 pm) [edit] | |
Color
On wings of silence you draw near,
the roar of my inner chaos drowns you out,
yet your presence sure like the sun overhead,
still illumines my soul wounded deep.
With you color returns to the world,
often cold, for hidden is love buried deep,
barriers of fear and despair keep the darkness close,
the inner void becomes my well known home,
my intimate embrace with nothingness.
Your light unquenchable still resides,
my faith often cold still warms my heart,
for in the deepest valley hope shines,
when faith is rooted deep in the pit.
Who can flee from your unfelt presence
who can hide from your darkened light,
for it blinds and leads both at once
down life’s long oft burdened filled journey.
In despair I make my act of faith,
in doubt I also allow my trust to flower,
for in darkness and light you do not change
no matter what life reflects back to me.
I live in a world of mirrors,
the inner and outer often one and confused,
yet amidst the conflicting images
your lights and reflection are true.
My love weak,
my faith filled with doubt,
yet Lord,
I put my trust in you.
feast of friends
10.19.08 (7:16 pm) [edit] | |
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feast of friends
aroma enticing,
a simple setting,
red wine,
cheese,
waiting to be imbibed,
living art
prepared for the feast of friends.
like a flood
10.18.08 (5:41 pm) [edit] | |
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like a flood
like a flood the people flow,
moving and parting,
ebbing and rising,
parting at cross sections,
unending the show presented,
each a universe contained,
memories,
hopes and fears,
with their own weight of sorrows and pain,
laughter and joy,
hidden behind faces closed to those without,
their smiles often false,
just a mask;
yet a rich life within,
known only to God,
and perhaps not even themselves,
for before the Eternal we are an open book
to ourselves
we are the deepest mystery.
The family
10.18.08 (8:20 am) [edit] | |
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The family
Laughing and talking,
poking fun,
joking about their age,
seeing the glory of the years,
the humor of past memories,
and wisdom accumulated.
They seemed at peace,
in their skin comfortable,
no need to pretend,
loving life and each other.
To embrace what is,
is simply to break free
of societies tyrannical grip.
Their mother,
a healer of her children,
strong,
deeply rooted in reality,
perhaps not knowing
until the day she is taken away
her giftedness to them.
smolder
10.15.08 (8:22 am) [edit] | |
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like an ember it feels
a weak hot flame slowly building
eating away at control;
a lifetime of discipline slowly,
without mercy,
being eaten away,
by the inward hunger for satiation,
until the inner flame becomes a roar,
then it feels like ice,
only pleasure in the acting out,
though a life time of regret often the fruit
Mercy awaits
10.14.08 (5:00 pm) [edit] | |
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Mercy awaits
The darkest pit,
encased in black arctic cold,
with doors closed tight,
the one within trapped.
Cruel are despairs chains,
heavy with their weight,
yet,
mercy awaits,
gentle,
it’s quiet calling patient,
infinite;
we are never alone.
Adrift
10.13.08 (5:18 pm) [edit] | |
Adrift
each road stretching out to no-where,
believing yet not knowing
we have our dance with doubt,
seeking we find,
then we dig ever deeper,
learning how much we simply don't know
nor understand,
leading to a peace
born of faith in what is unseen,
for it is the eternal
the infinite,
that calls,
and pursues us,
our heats seeking
that which hides in the depths,
it's home our hearts,
though often unknown
by those who search without.
In touch
10.12.08 (7:21 pm) [edit] | |
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In touch
uses and then discards,
sucking out what it wants
leaving only the husk.
Love builds up and heals,
in touch with the divinity within each,
giving fully of itself
love and healing in its wake;
Illusion
10.12.08 (11:45 am) [edit]
Illusion
Each the center
thier universe complete,
all thoughts are perfect and right
until others are met,
the differences come to light
and then our problems begin in earnest,
for in fact
none of us or the center.
Just the illusion of.
The quiet
10.11.08 (4:51 pm) [edit] | |
The quiet
Just sitting with a friend
talking,
and teasing,
the way friends do,
silences;
often words not necessary,
with God or friends
the quiet is not a burden
but a blessing.
Blessed
10.11.08 (10:05 am) [edit] | |
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Blessed
Cloudy days are welcome,
low ceiling clouds a comfort,
the gentle sound of rain soothing,
the ground dry
soaks up the bounty,
allowing the cycle,
the seasons,
to continue.
I am blessed,
truly,
for I love rainy days
the cool darkness
more than the bright days of the sun.
Gifts
10.10.08 (8:11 am) [edit] | |
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Gifts
I guess my gifts and also my compulsions are intimately connected, like two sides of a coin, for one to exist, the other also has to also be there. These two sides come into existence, or perhaps a better word, were birthed, from my interaction with past experiences, and sometimes with one really important event, that caused a process to begin that is still flowing to this day. There seems, at least for me, the one happening or experience, from which my clouded interpretations of latter experiences are based on. There are a few that I can pinpoint to, others a little vaguer.
I am a caregiver. I suppose being the 3rd oldest of 11 brothers and sisters has something to do with it. You just get used to caring for others, so it is common in my family, a lot of caregivers in it. Robert the 2nd oldest in his own way is a caregiver. Even when young he was into giving to the community in ways that I would never be attracted to. Now he is a priest in the Episcopal Church, ordained just last year, and seems very happy and competent in his calling. Sissy works with the elderly, Jane is a therapist for those in recovery, John is active in his ministry in helping others, and Judy is very empathic towards the needs of people in her life, especially those in the family. Craig is very generous in giving time and money for others in need, even if it hurts himself along finical lines. So yes care giving is part of our family. Both the giftedness and the underlying compulsion equally part of the equation.
I often take up for others and as I get older, am able to see more often and clearly, when I am going over the top in doing so. I think that points to me trying to protect others from what I have experienced in the past, or interrupted perhaps the better word, and perhaps wrongly. I can be unfair to those in authority over me and am trying to find some ways to either offset that reaction, or to at least tone it down a bit. The compulsive side of care giving can be destructive when it is not freely acted upon, but one feels compelled to do so. A kind of desperation comes into play, a savior complex, if I don’t do this the others world will fall apart and it will be my fault. So yes it is a transference, the bringing up something from the long buried past that is feeding into the present. Compulsions can take the person experiencing them from the present and drag everyone involved into their trying to right some past injustice, hurt, or abuse. Each becomes a character in a play created by the unconscious, to be played over and over again until some insight can be had. The best way for me is to simply catch myself doing it and trying to tone it down. Which of course is easier said than done. For there is some truth in trying to help others, just keep it in the present with boundaries intact. Helping someone is not the same as taking responsibility for their lives and decisions.
The trying to save others from pain and suffering can also put the helper in circumstances that can be deadly in their own personal lives. People can be helped, but none of us can be saved from the work needed to escape the cycle of pain and dejection. We can support each other, but in the end, each must wake up, or if not, become a victim for the rest of their lives. No one can wake up for us, though others can help, but the sinking or swimming is in the end, at least for most, a choice made consciously or unconsciously.
It also takes faith to trust in the process that is our lives. Being a Christian, that would involve the grace of God working in the depths of each person’s life. I can be Christ hands in helping, but the freedom to learn, or not, is left to each of us personally. So helping others in freedom is different than being compelled to do so.
Yours
10.09.08 (3:19 pm) [edit] | |
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Yours
My thoughts are mine,
as my sins as well,
the evil I do belongs to me,
also the despair generated,
an inner hunger wishing to devour.
O Lord,
the light is yours,
also the healing,
the joy as well belongs to you,
the gift of mercy,
your grace freely given,
who can understand it?
Option
10.07.08 (6:16 pm) [edit] | |
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Option
Waiting is almost a way of life,
in traffic,
doctor's offices,
for loved ones arrivial,
everywhere we wait.
For What?
For an ending,
so the flow of life,
our plans,
continue.
Until the next wait.
Perhaps life is a waiting area,
something that simply is,
our only control our attitude
or perhaps understanding,
our depth of perception
the only option.
Infirmary
10.06.08 (7:14 pm) [edit] | |
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The infirmary
We are busier than ever at this time in our little infirmary. There is always something to deal with, some new plan to be formulated in someone's care. Little by little each falls into a place where there helplessness is there for all to see. Yet each embraces it in their unique way and continues on their journey, adapting to each new level as they go.
Worried about Emilio, because of his spinal condition; this is worsening at an alarming rate, though it does not seem to concern him overly much. For when he sits in his wheel chair, or the geriatric one, his tail bone area pressed against the back of the seat. So that small area is starting to get very tender and could move into a sore, which in turn could progress to him being bed ridden for a while, something we are trying to avoid. I talked with him last night, telling him of the problem. He understood, for his mind is still sharp and he can follow what I have to say. So as we chatted I told him that he may need to stay in bed for longer periods, to give the lower back time to heal. Have not quite figured out a time line yet, perhaps getting him up at 11 AM, and then back to bed at 5 PM, might good for him. He likes getting out of bed, so hopefully we can find something to protect him in a better manner soon.
Philip had another ‘dip' yesterday. He gets very weak, unresponsive, and almost seems to be in a coma, though he always, at least so far, pulls out of it. He has a pacemaker, so this could be what is keeping him alive. It does not allow the heart to go below 60 beats a minute, so if the heart slows down it gets a slight shock to keep it going. This can lead to making it hard to finally letting go. I sat with him a bit, for a couple of hours, read and prayed and also called his only living sibling to let him know how his brother is doing. Ray is a very gentle man, a nurse, so it is easy to talk with him about his brother's condition. So now we are again in a waiting mode for dear Philip, the bishop, my nickname for him. One day, the ‘dip' will take him. He has been here the longest, though his present condition only started about 6 years ago. He has been in our infirmary for about 18 years or so. The time goes by so fast; it only seems like a couple of years.
William has his days. Some days he is cheerful, talkative, eats well and likes to watch sports on the common TV. Other days he is combative, sullen, won't eat, yells etc., which is normal and we just adapt. Some days it takes two to clean him, others only one is needed. Not matter what kind of day he is having, he loves ice cream. So one of us feeds him if he needs to be, and at least for a short time he feels a little better. When he gets too loud, which is often caused by too much stimulation, or from sundowners syndrome, he is put by himself for a time which tends to calm him down a bit. We are really great friends, and I guess he could be my favorite. He calls me ‘Markey" when he knows who I am and on other days it is "Jimmy". I guess a good friend, from when he was playing in the jazz band when a young man.
Luke is 97 and revels in that fact. He is getting weaker but stays in a good mood, is gentle and laughs easily. He loves tea and toast and has many friends who love to visit and spoil him. Until a short time ago, he helped out a lot, which was life giving for him. He always got a kick out of being as much as 25 years older than some of those he took care of. Yeah his DNA pool is truly awesome.
Tom is bedridden, but has adapted well. He keeps busy, reads a lot and yes also has lots of friends. Our main concern is his gaining weight, so we may have to get another bed for him. Since he cannot move around at all, he easily gains ever increasing pounds. We try to control his intake but it is really impossible. Even fruit can put pounds on someone who does not burn up any calories thorough activities. To put him on a 1200 calorie diet could be cruel, at least for him. So we try, but it is one of those battles that I am willing to let go of. Like I said, we can get him a bigger bed if needed. Food is a great comfort for most people and I only know a handful were this does not apply. He really does not eat ‘too much'; he just can't burn it off.
Jerome is happy, he reads, uses his electric type writer, listens to music, watches a movie from time to time, and yes he also has friends. He seems very content and is very little trouble. He has a gentle smile and when he laughs his whole body shakes. He loves scripture and can read Latin, Hebrew and Greek. So he keeps himself busy and is happy.
His legs are still strong, so he can really zoom when using his wheelchair.
Clarence is the most active, though far from well. He is on dialysis three times a week, and also goes to therapy the other three. Along with other doctor's visits, he is out quite a bit, but this seems to life giving for him. Most hate going out, he seems to thrive on it.
He is a very talkative man, and I guess I know just about everything about his family history. He can be very gentle with the others up here and I am often impressed in the way he relates to them. He can be very kind and considerate. Some days he can be very fatigued, this mostly happens after dialysis for it can be very demanding. He is also saddened when one of those who belong to his little community at the clinic dies, for he is a very sensitive man, though he likes to hide it.
Victor is a very quite and private person. He likes to stay in his room and seems content to do little. He needs help getting in and out of bed and eats in the common room but never watches TV with the others. He is picky in what he eats, but he does better than most of the others. He is little trouble, but can be demanding at times, yet listens when told of this tendency and tries to work with it. His best quality is that he does have a sense of humor, very dry, and can laugh at himself.
Leo has always been quiet, but now needs to be feed as well as does Philip and William on certain days. He has always been gentle and was an artist when before he came down with dementia at a young age. He can still laugh at a joke, responds when spoken to, but most likely does not know where he is, or really knows those who take care of him. There is one person that he seems to remember. Her name is Salena, a beautiful young woman who loves to visit him. He responds to her and seems to remember who she is, though not by name. She has been a true faithful friend for many years. He does not watch TV, though at times the animal planet station does seem to grab his attention.
So all in all, it is a busy place and though I seem at times close to burn out, I still love working with the men her and also with the crew.
The path
10.05.08 (3:04 pm) [edit]
The path
I have a marked out path
though it is often obscured by ignorance,
habit,
and the simple fear of simply looking within.
I seem to be at times swallowed,
dragged beneath the waves,
for a time actually possibly insane,
for while I am under
my thoughts are on the defensive,
a victim trying to right the wrong,
seeking to set the chaotic outer world in place,
an impossible task
something I slowly have learned over the years
for the chaos is simply me at times.
Life a lava flow it seeks expression,
yet scorched earth is of no use,
best not to say anything for a time
or make plans,
perhaps just write,
find someone in which I can simple vent,
someone who knows me,
understands,
who will not be afraid of the rage,
anger or resentment expressed in such colorful
black and white language,
a tantrum,
roots going way back,
way, way, back.
Until the lave flow trickles to nothing ,
reason returns,
it is like waking up
or perhaps coming to the surface of the water
and taking a deep breathe
and perhaps something learned.
Though of course growth in understanding slow,
anything worthwhile often is.
For actions taken in rage or anger
can have life long effects,
seeds planted that have a life of their own,
for is not my own anger a seed planted from my deep past?
The proud mother
10.04.08 (5:23 pm) [edit] | |
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sitting like a queen in her wheel chair,
the queen of Sheba,
her demeanor calm
though I could tell she was in pain;
her leg swollen.
We were the the only two left
the waiting room empty, soon to close,
so I went over and asked her name,
giving my name first.
She looked at me kindly
smiled,
held out her hand saying:
"my name is Rose how do you do".
about her husband
who died the year before,
her loving son the truck driver,
whom she talks to over her CB radio
keeping him company as he drives across state lines,
making him laugh,
keeping him awake,
a job her husband used to do,
for she used to lay awake at night and listen to them laugh,
joke,
and just carry on.
He will soon be home,
his boss buying him a plane ticket,
so soon they will be together.
Al her son,
and her tender smile deepens
as she remembers this special man
who loves his mother so much.
As I left,
I told her how much I enjoyed meeting her,
what a good mother she certainly was,
to have such a beautiful and loving son,
I will always remember her,
Rose.
I often wait
10.04.08 (8:22 am) [edit] | |
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I often wait
I wonder what is behind the mask I wear,
so forcefully applied that I think it actually real,
hidden beneath my hidden visage
myself unable to comprehend,
fearful at times for the images received
fill my heart with a certain dread.
I know that I am duplicitous
even if not done in spite,
for my face looks in both directions
striving to go just one course;
the middle torn and bleeding
confused at my own insubstantial striving,
afraid of the in-between
that I seek to hide from grace.
In part I know,
the rest I seek to flee,
yet the deeper regions
reside within,
trapped in my own web of inner deceit.
So I often wait yet not in despair,
for I have learned to trust
in the something deeper going on
beyond my thought and striving,
bringing my life to fruition.
The caress
10.02.08 (6:10 pm) [edit] | |
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The night bright with the early morning moon,
the air clean and cool,
soothing for my soul,
silent,
nothing seemed to be stirring,
just peace as if all the world were sleeping.
White the bark of the tree seemed,
illumined by the gentle light,
it’s trunk strong,
limbs reaching up in unison
towards the light above;
flow in stasis,
a very slow dance upward,
all working with accord
the instinctive desire for life.
How I wish my soul was thus,
yet no,
it often seems contradictory to itself,
branches going up toward the light,
some downward,
others in knots,
flow often stilted,
yet the light beckons,
my path calls,
grace caresses,
the mystery of divine love deepens;
so I continue
Small spaces
10.01.08 (8:53 am) [edit] | |
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Small spaces
It is hard to understand looking from the outside, just how little and small life can become for those old and declining, or simply those who have a debilitating illness. Emilio is a man that I have been taking care for about 4 years now. Or should I say ‘we', for there or of course others. Rose the RN, who is very caring, and works very hard to care for those under her charge. Then there is Neda, an LPN, who is also very dedicated to those that she cares for. Bernie, Ann, Rita, Elda, Bernadette, Bilolge, all CNA's. So yes we have quite a team, we need it, for there is a lot to be done. I am sort of in charge, but I try to stay out of the RN's way, for if do not give her my support, she will not be able to fulfill her function fully. She has earned my trust. She is fair in dealing with those who answer to her, but demands their best. So those who need care, whose worlds have shrunk, need a lot of help to be able to live a decent life there. Each is unique and requires a little different kind of treatment. Some have dementia, so we make their decisions for them. When to get up, feeding, baths etc. Others, who have their faculties, have more freedom in some decisions, in others, well we have a schedule to maintain, and so they go along with certain activities that simply need to be done. So each has different needs, emotional, physical and spiritual; we try to deal with all three levels.
So back to Emilio; who over the last month or so, has gotten progressively weaker and in more need of care, more than in the past, when he was a little stronger. He wanted to talk to me about ‘things'. So I went to his room, sat down for a chat. I have a lot of those here it seems; chats. He was anxious about the move we were going to do this week. We are going to move him to a room closer to the Nurses station. Since his fall, his ability to feel in his hands has lessened, as well as in his feet, so he is quite helpless. He can't use the phone any more, so we are placing him in a room that the Nurses and CNA's are near much of the time. It is also near the dinning and TV area. He likes to watch the news and also Turner Classic Movies. A blessing, this channel, no commercials, which can cause some problems for those with dementia, overload at times, for they often involve many scenes one after another.
He just needed reassuring that it would all go smoothly, for he tends to be anxious about ‘little things', but not about the ‘big thing'. So I assured him that it would go well, and would only take a couple of hours to complete the move. We just needed to clean each room, move his stuff in, and it would be over. I then asked him if he was afraid about his getting weaker. He looked at me, shrugged, smiled and said: "no, what can I do". He also said: "I think I will be gone by Christmas". Well we shall see. What I am amazed at is his lack of fear about death, he is totally at peace.
He is a thoughtful man, was a teacher for many years. Loves philosophy, his favorite writer was ‘Blondel', of whom I have read little, but plan on doing so in the future. I have a long reading list, perhaps I will get to it before I die. I am sure I will, for I think it will allow me to understand this very special and lovable man, of whom I have had the honor of accompanying, at least a little on his journey.
He sleeps well, adapts to his world shrinking, and stays in good humor. I can get a little impatient, when I forget that even if his world his smaller than mine, much smaller, it is still his whole world, so little concerns, are really big ones. As the saying goes, "A tempest in a teapot is still a tempest"; something I often need reminding about, and thank God I get it on a regular basis.
It is very humbling to take care of others; for they often manifest great courage and forbearance in dealing with there everyday lives. I just hope that I can learn from them. Since the years are speeding up, and yes add that I will soon be 60, I will perhaps sooner than I want to be, asked to give up some of the independence that I so take for granted. The number of years remaining really doesn't matter, for the rapidity of time is such that it will be experienced as soon, no matter how many days, months and years pass. Maybe I will also be able to take the ‘big thing' in stride, and find the peace that Emilio manifest to those around him.
Called we are
09.30.08 (1:45 pm) [edit] | |
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Called we are
drawn by that which is not seen,
we stumble along our different roads
seeking some surety that what we believe is true,
yet only obscurity is found,
yet we continue
making our acts of faith,
yet knowing that everything we believe may not be,
atheist or believer
we hold hands on our path
our vocation is to seek,
find,
perhaps lose and then embrace again.
Truth is what is sought
though bitterness may rule for a time,
the journey lonely,
yet the light within draws us,
in shades of dark
seeming to hide,
so we journey with this inner compass,
our calling,
giving birth to joy
Accept or fight
09.29.08 (8:39 am) [edit] | |
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Accept or fight
In my experience in working with the elderly, I am often humbled by the way in which they accept diminishment in their lives. I have always thought that as we get older year by year, we are all slowly backed inexorably into a corner. It is simply part of the process we must go through as we age. This process of course is faster for some than for others, and no two people adapt to this in quite the same way. I am not sure that there is a right way to adapt; each seems to have to go down a certain path, often based on habitual ways in dealing with reality. The daily choices we make though out our lives, in how we deal with whatever comes our way. I guess the so called ‘small choices’ are perhaps the most important, for they become habitual, either a virtue or perhaps a vice.
So in my years in working with the elderly, I guess I have pretty much seen just about every variation of this theme. Some fight for their independence, losing the battle over and over again, refusing to understand that there may be other ways in handling the many small crises that they have to go through. Others let go, even if with great inner difficulty, with humor and dignity. So yes some suffer more than others. Some think that those who fight are the stronger ones, those who accept the weaker. Myself, well I tend think each case has to be evaluated as they come along. In fact I am not sure the categories of ‘stronger’, or ‘weaker’, really have in real bearing at all. For like all judgments they come from without, without any real knowledge of the struggle that is going on within.
To accept or to fight that is the question. Some can accept harsh reality, because they have a deep well of inner strength that allows them to learn from whatever ‘outward’ event happens in their life. A life long habit of consciously going with the flow, a sort of dying to the old and accepting the new, even if unpleasant. Others may take a little longer to find that ‘inner strength’. Even if not, perhaps that is simply a part of their journey and learning. Learning to let go may just take a little longer. In the end letting go is really not an option. The corner is just too small, no room for maneuvering, just the letting go.
Some are merely passive, outwardly compliant, yet inside there can be a great deal of anger over what life has dealt out to them. I would suppose, that most in this category are somewhere in the mid-lands of this inner landscape. A bundle of contradictions (?); well yes, we are creative enough to be that much of the time. Fighting I suppose can be a flight from reality, trying to escape what needs to simply be accepted. However fighting is an understandable response in an often confusing situation, and perhaps necessary, even if painful for all involved. It is difficult for them, and painful to watch, as they lose one battle after another, as they slowly age. Every diminishment is fought against, often endangering themselves and causing a great deal of worry for those who are in charge of their care. Yet it is also understood, this process, for the most part by the caregivers. So they are surrounded by those who watch out for them a little more closely.
Like I said, this is ok; we each have our own ways of dealing with life. I would think no matter what strategy used, each has it pluses and minuses. The ‘fighters’ from my limited experience are in the minority. Most of those I have had the privilege taking care of, accept their latter years with grace and dignity. Of course dementia can also happen, it does for many, but even then each is a totally unique experience when it comes to care giving.
Since I believe that our lives have meaning and that there is indeed something that awaits us after this life; I am able to see each stage of life as a necessary process that has equal value. Some stages are easier than others; though I think for most life gets more of an uphill journey when the teen years are entered. Studies seem to indicate that adolescents, is quite probably the most difficult time of life. It was for me, I would never want to go through that stage again.
Loves, caring, being listened to, are things that I think we all desire. When they are missing, no matter what stage of life one is in, things can be pretty bleak. One of the best ways of receiving the above gifts in our lives is to simply give them out. To love others, listen, and to care for those around us, are gifts that I feel we are all called to share. For though we are unique, there are certain things that we respond to, and in giving these gifts to others, we receive them back a hundred fold. The human heart is made for openness. When resentment, anger and fear close it off, then the heart breaks, becomes hard. Perhaps the most important lesson to learn is to not allow this too happen, to fight it with tooth and nail so to speak.
Passivity does not work. Passive people are often overlooked. For the message picked up by others, often wrongly interrupted is: “leave me alone”; and in the end sad to say, they often are left alone. Though in fact they are trapped and will remain there, not understanding that their passivity is the problem or obstacle. Thankfully there are those who see through this and do reach out, often with positive results.
The more love you give, the more you have, sort of like ‘nail soup’; the pot never empties. In giving, fears are overcome or simply bypassed, since we are all made for the giving, more than in the receiving; a neat trick many don’t know about until they try. A certain toughness has to be developed, for love to be freely given; for at times one can be rebuffed, or simply misunderstood. Some do not respond the way often preconceived, yet love is never wasted. It is a seed, we are all planters, we are dropping seeds all the time, some for good, others, sad to say for ill. Yet it is never too late to start loving, giving, reaching out, for in that we truly live out the image we are created in. No matter what stage of life one is in, it is never too late to start. For we are always at the beginning, called and graced, by that which pursues us, seeking our response, the mystery that is the mother of all mysteries.
The eternal is not an object among other objects, but is the inner most, inner part, of our souls; yet everywhere present. Each of us, no matter what one thinks, or feels about themselves, is loved in a manner so intense, that to experience it even for a second would cause us to die of joy. That is why this life can seem so dark. It is a necessary part of our process, our dying and rising, our shedding of what is no longer needed. To simply take one step forward at a time; and yes failure is also part of the process. In that light, even old age, difficult as it is, or will be for those of us who have not yet arrived; is just another important part of our pilgrimage.
Stillness
09.28.08 (2:07 pm) [edit] | |
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Stillness
It is by layers that inner stillness comes,
quiet, then choas,
then it settles in a deeper place,
again upset,
and deeper it goes;
is there a bottom ever reached
or is the decent into deeper silence eternal?